Typing with one hand

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Typing with one hand is a genetic adaptation that human beings have made in response to the presence of the Internets in their environment. Anytime there is internet access available, one can be certain that porn will be viewed. Everyone defines porn a different way, of course. Someone might get a huge boner over cum shots, or anal sluts. Others might have to peruse photographs of elderly ladies wearing swim caps and flower-print swimsuits. Still yet, some get aroused watching videos of women crushing kittens under their heels. Absurdly enough, some even find videos of missionary position sex in dim or dark lighting to be most satisfying sexually. You sick fucks. Whatever the case may be, when people start getting aroused at the computer, they face the choice of having to pick between taking care of business and continuing to type, scroll and click around on the screen. This exciting adaptation allows mankind to continue exploring the world wide web with one hand while shooting their own web, so to speak, with the other.

Tom spends all his time on Myspace with his millions of friends. Now he can fap at the same time.


The oldest trick in the book is to fap with the dominant or preferred hand that you typically use to jerk off. Don't try to be slick and type with ease with your good hand, it'll ruin your fap. Nobody's watching you, at least not willingly, so type slow and sloppy with your crap hand that you don't use for anything else.

Make use of the scroll wheel on your mouse. The constant clicking of your mouse to scroll down is fucking obnoxious, even if it doesn't affect your fap.

Find a porn search engine, like this [one]. This will help by narrowing down the time it takes to search for things, because actively thinking makes your mind drift away from the business of waxing your carrot.

Do it while sitting in your basement. If your computer is in another room, you better relocate it tonight. Use Firefox so you have multiple tabs open, so you can shuffle to some innocent looking page like the Yahoo front page in embarrassment if someone walks in. As for how you'll explain having your stiffie in your hand... well, you're on your own.

Other Causes and Uses

All research was organized and presented by Ceiling Cat.

Typing with one hand sometimes occurs for reasons other than masturbation. Hundreds of strictly controlled experiments and research were conducted on the matter in the name of science. 4chan's /b/ board has valiantly trudged through thousands of hours of amateur footage to collect data on the matter. Interestingly, the results reflected neo-conservative white American views, which was convenient for those reporting and collecting the research, who were all members of said social group. However, that is shit nobody cares about, because cheekily subtle digs at social stratification are boring.


In this group, typing with one hand is nearly always indicative of wanking while typing. Even if the other hand is broken or the other arm is absent. Or even if you're a limbless torso man lying in a patch of poison ivy, with only a Windows 3.1-equipped computer in front of you. The wank-dependent gender always finds a way. The research is rock solid on this front.


The other hand is on /b/

Typing with one hand is seldom indicative of masturbation; rather, it commonly occurs when one is attempting to find the best angle for a camwhore boob shot, a fat girl angle shot, or rocking a cradle and preparing sammiches like a bitch ought to be.

For Jews

Typing with one hand indicates planning to destroy America with the other. If a Jew has to type, they will always type with one hand; using two hands is an additional fee. Sometimes Jews have an indentured servant type for them entirely so they can rub their hands together diabolically. But in most cases a Jew doesn't need two hands, for they can use the almighty kike nose to type with (literally hunt and peck style).

For Niggers

Typing with one hand either indicates eating chikins or is done mistakenly by the hand clutching the keyboard of the computer they just stole. It is possible for a male black person to also type with one hand if they're fapping, but nobody wants to comfortably imagine that happening. Perhaps it's for the best that 300 million potential welfare babies end up in a Kleenex, however.

Doing It Wrong

  • Anytime you view porn online, get aroused, then fap afterward.
  • Having someone else's hand type one-handed for you as you fap.
  • Typing with both hands while someone else jerks you off.
  • Typing with one hand while the other hand lays idly in your lap, unoccupied.
  • Being a detached hand with a mind of it's own that is typing of it's own free will, like Thing in the Addams family.
  • Doing it while looking at anything involving furries.

Also See

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Typing with one hand is part of a series on


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Typing with one hand is part of a series on Dying Alone

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