Ultimate Guitar

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Typical UG user

Ultimate-Guitar.com is a shit site where all the guitarfags of the world have the chance to ape out at each other over who is better. The site's primary function is to host user submitted "Guitar Tablature", which helps retards who can't read music play their favorite new shitfest they heard on the radio. However, the main draw to the site is a Forum known as "The Pit", named for being the Internet equivalent to the sweaty gay orgy that metal and punk fans refer to as a mosh pit. Common to all users is a hatred for Guitar Hero (WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST PLAY A REAL GUITAR?), and a love of either crappy acoustic songs or wanky metal with the ability to play neither in public. UltimateGuitar is based in Russia and became the number one guitar tab site after mxTabs.net was raped by the Music Publishers Association of America. After consuming mxTabs, the MPA threatened UG, to which UG laughed, shit on the MPAs pride, all while promoting communism.

The Pit

The average Pit user
Is this not proof enough? UG is a malignant tumor choc full of the cancer that is killing /b/
Carmel(UG moderator) indeed spreading fabrications
Oh lordy....

The Pit is the sphincter of Ultimate Guitar and is one of most obvious attempts to be another ebaumsworld or Something Awful or 4chan, even though they'll vehemently deny it, while simultaneously talking shit about these sites, not realizing that all of the old memes they sit and gurgle about all day actually originated on /b/. In The Pit, newfags desperately struggle to gain recognition by licking the assholes of any mod in sight. Although a standard internet forum, the language in The Pit has degraded into the same moronic squawking and memeing that can be found in other places around the web, albeit much, much more watered down and full of fail. The few members who have been on the site for longer than a week take the opportunity to break as many rules as possible before laughing at n00bs who attempt to do the same thing and get banned. UG even has pathetic attempts at 'raids', where a member will find a video of a shitty guitar player (which is ironic, because the entire forum consists of shitty guitar players), and repeat to tell them how horrible they are, all while spamming "UG FTW!" Somehow, even though it is against the rules to do this on UG, the mods are lazy and do nothing about it. They'll lay down the law only a couple of times a month, normally just to set an example to the other members who will ignore it anyways. Some mods also take their job too seriously and ban the fuck out of anyone for the smallest reason. This is completely okay though because the user broke the no spamming rule and posted something irrelevant. An example of common board discussion is as follows:


   
 
You know the butt raping was the main driving force behind our tight and firm connection
 

 
 

—theguitarist

It is also worth mentioning, that any time a meme is spotted on UG, it can safely be considered old meme, and thus, no longer funny. Prime examples of old memes spotted en masse on UG include, but are not limited to, LOL WUT, Shoop Da Whoop, and, regrettably, Caturday.

Night Of The Nod

Last Thursday, a .gif was made from some shitty-ass video some Pit Monkey posted of him and his friends playing beer pong. The gif itself is a simple two second loop of the threadstater nodding with a small, yet powerful, grin plastered on his face. It is most commonly reffered to as Nod Cap or Noddin' Cap because of the baseball cap he is wearing. Within hours of the creation of this .gif, many users were posting it in every thread and many users made it their avatar. In a supreme display of faggotry, some faggots decided to quote pyramid the .gif, causing all of the shitty computers accessing the site to blow their fucking brains out due to the strain on their graphics cards from 1994. The storm passed as quickly as it came, save for a few who decided they would keep it as their avatar for the lulz. If anyone posts the nod now, most ignore it, but a few butthurt individuals will bawwww about it incessantly until the thread dies, locks, or someone gets warned by the mods. Stupid shit that no one will remember. zgr0826 should feel bad for adding it here.

Other Parts of the Site

Guitar Gear & Accessories

A forum that can be potentially good, but is rife with idiots and trolls A fucking cult where people jerk off to their analog gear and rape anyone who asks about anything digital or modeling. A used Peavey 5150 is the answer to any "Which amp?" thread, even when the threadstarter doesn't play a genre the amp is suited for. They do like fuzz, though. Start a thread about fuzz and you'll get replies almost immediately, seeing as the only people in the forum besides metalheads are indie kids who use copious amounts of fuzz to cover up the fact that they couldn't play if their life depended on it.

Tabs

All of the tabs on this site are wrong, since it's all user generated content. Even if they managed to get the notes right, decent fingering technique is rarely observed. While it is possible to learn songs using these, you will waste more time wading through the 14 different versions of every song and patch-working them together then you would if you just listened to the song 3 times through and figured it out for your damn self. This issue will never be resolved as the only contributers to sites like this are horribly vapid teenagers or other layabout basement dwellers who never learned to read or play music properly.

These are the Russian party animals responsible for the site


Bass

This empty part of the forum is where you will see fat, annoying basement dwellers like "thefitz" (DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS! He left) bitch and cry about every aspect of music and life. If you want an answer to a question about bass, your out of luck because your thread will get closed faster than you can say "omfg jako pastorius sux balz geddy lee ftw and dean roxx!"


The Cancer Killing UG

Although many users are quite unaware of this, cancer is eating away at UG (mainly the pit) and can be seen in various ways, including:

  • Mods abusing their power
  • *Reported*
  • I Cum Blood
  • Mods abusing their power by creating threads about shit that nobody cares about while drunk
  • Kensai
  • Vauxite and his "bitchin' trainz"
  • Mods abusing their power
  • Searchbar jokes
  • Mods abusing their power
  • cool story bro
  • Yuropoors
  • The Nod
  • Mods abusing their power
  • RIP Dime
  • 09'ers 10'ers 11'ers
  • The Pear: Sometime last thursday, many users started posting the 'lol wut' pear to an extreme degree. Though funny, the mods decided to get butthurt about it and ban anyone on sight for using it. Not written in the rules, yet still bannable within seconds. Now in the rules under the spam subsection, but up to mod discretion.


Notable Users

Fassa Albrecht

Fassa Albrecht, the most beautiful user on UG.

On August 03, 2007, an ugly stupid bitch named Fassa Albrecht joined the forums, and to this day she's highly regarded as a troll. But really she's just generally thick. In the past, she confused and stressed the living shit out of the mods and other regulars on the forum by referencing Canadian prog band Rush in every post she made.

She then produced over 9000 threads, which many of them became fair debates on topics that might, just might provoke some interest, unlike all her other threads which she used as a blog and made everyone rage harder over time. She was permabanned on the 27th of May 2010, a momentous occasion for every UG'er, and will be celebrated for many years to come DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS! She reared her ugly head a few days later, crushing the hopes and dreams of every UG'er. DISREGARD THAT, I WAS SUCKING COCKS AGAIN!. On Christmas Day of 2010, a miracle happened: Fassa was permabanned for real.

UPDATE: Fassa is apparently transgendered. Who wudda thought?

Coreysmonster

This German is the UG equivalent of Marmite. Hated by many, he often posts "stupid" threads that make people think. This is clearly beyond most pit members, and usually ends up with them choosing the "Purple spunky hippo" in his polls and then bitching about his threads. If you are one of these retards, please kindly fuck off to 4chan and/or become an hero. Recently got his most desired wish by becoming a Column Cleaner, the UG Team's equivalent of an intern, making official what everyone already knew: he's Carmel's bitch. As of last Thursday he is no longer a Colon Cleaner, claiming to have "quit" due to being too busy.

Kensai

This yuropoor is the most popular user on UG, and there isn't a single thread where he doesn't post. He is regarded as the most sexy member in the entire site, because of one photoshopped picture and being from Sweden. Every user must lick his ass to be accepted by the Ultimate Guitar group, or else they become banned. On December 15th 2011 he strangled a 4 year old boy with a skipping rope which he then framed on another 10 year old boy. The 4 year old had told him that he was a gay nancy boy for skipping with a pink tassled rope and this drove Kensai into what he calls ' the infamous Sweed-Rage' where as in reality he grew slightly annoyed and killed him with his girly skipping rope and, with the help of the more manly 10 year old, he dragged the body into a nearby wood


Riffofthebeast

Megatroll, only lasted a few months before he felt the wrath of the banhammer. One of the dumbest UG'ers ever, I'm too tired to write anymore about this asshole

TheReverend724

Another unfunny Amerifag who thinks he's married to Asuka Langley Soryu. Also tends to yell "NGE!" at anyone who enters the Anime Thread. Has recently taken a liking to the shitty One Piece ripoff Fairy Tail, and generally yells "FAIRY TAIL!" either in addition to or in place of (!) "NGE!" He now thinks he's a hip-hop producer because he makes shitty beats in GarageBand. He's genuinely surprised that this doesn't get him laid. Usually seen sucking the cock of his gay lover, Holy Katana.

Holy Katana

Yet another unfunny Amerifat who won't ever shut the fuck up about how he's bisexual and socialist. Fat, ginger, feminist, socialist scum, liberal faggot, and extremely smug, he's usually seen being a narcissistic prick or attempting (unsuccessfully) to get his fat ass laid. Like most pissdrinkers of his ilk, he enjoys mocking people to massage his very tiny ego, often accusing them of the very things he's guilty of. For easy trolling, make fun of the fact that he's never been kissed, something he's developed an unhealthy fixation upon.

AvengedFoghat

Another whiny emo fucktard who should get his pussy ass over to /a/ and/or an hero, like he tells everybody he's going to do. Which is funny, considering he believes himself to be the next Deadmau5, and will post his shitty house music whenever he feels his cock hasn't been stroked enough. He also considers himself to be pansexual, but he really just wants Aikawa's dick in his ass. He also can be considered legitimately insane, since he has been in a mental hospital over 9000 times, and will BAWWW about it every day.

JacobTheMe

This fuckface showed up around 09'. He is probably the biggest cry baby hipster faggot on the forum. Every post is a complete exaggeration about how "miserable" his life is. Don't be trolled though, he is a giant narcissist. The guy even made a group dedicated to himself, entitled the "JacobTheMe Fanclub". Who the fuck does that? This fucking loser.

However he does occasionally get drunk and call other UG'ers to sing them karaoke renditions of famous pop songs. A favorite occurrence amongst many of the forum's members.

metabolicmaggot (The greatest troll that ever lived)

Sometime around last thursday, user metabolicmaggot was sent to Diamond Ranch Academy (DRA) for 10 months where buttsecks, rape, beatings, and serious business occurred. He claims that he was sent for no reason whatsoever and that his parents were very strict with him. After graduating DRA, metabolicmaggot (moar like metabolicfaggot amirite?) said that he forgave his parents for sending him to such a horrible place and that he had learned discipline and self respect there. At first, pit users thought he was trolling until metabolicfaggot posted a picture of his diploma of him successfully graduating. This left over 9000 pit monkeys enraged at how places such as DRA could get away with taking kids and beating them. But then as if that wasn't enough, at least 100 days later metabolicfaggot created a new thread saying that he might be getting sent back for another 2 months. A shit storm instantly occurred with users telling him to book it and go to another city or country instead of going back to that hell hole DRA. Users had set up groups to raise awareness of the evil DRA, offered donations, and even wrote songs for the kid. He would post every one or two days telling users about how his life on the lamb was going and how he didn't have much money and that he was starting to eat out of dumpsters. He had finally set up a mailing address after receiving enough support and was asking for at least 5 dollars in donations. Thats when the troll was detected. Carmel had closed the thread with this last note attached to it: "Do NOT send money to people you "know" off the internet. Oh and just in case anyone was wondering, he's been posting from the same location throughout this thread." Yep, turns out he was in the same place the entire time.

The work of some epic trolling
MetabolicMaggot while on his so called 'journey for freedom'

After users had found out this was the work of some epic trolling and a scam to get money, this is what they had to say:

   
 
I knew it!!
 

 
 

—some user

   
 
fuck that guy, I know a guy who has been to programs like that, twice, and its not a fucking joke or something that anyone should take advantage of to solicit money over the internet.
 

 
 

—obvious butthurt user who got trolled

   
 
that was an amazing troll. He really needs some kind of award...
 

 
 

—some user

   
 
This isn't brilliant, it's illegal and stupid.

What kind of fucking people are you to condone someone doing this? You're fucking worthless sacks of shit.
 


 
 

—another obvious butthurt user

   
 
seriously, anyone who sent him money is a fucking idiot and deserve having their money lost
 

 
 

—some user

Union Jake

Long ago, their lived a user titled Union Jake. Said user decided to create a thread in the pit titled "I feel dirty,should i?". Turns out Union Jake had a union jack off party with 3 other room mates after being disappointed with watching The Prestige. After making this thread, epic lulz ensued at Union Jake's expense, until Carmel_l decided to close the thread for quote on quote "spamming". Said thread can be found here.

Original UG Memes and Faggotry

Even Xzibit is disgusted by the carrot top faggotry
Faster Tom!! Runn!

Believe it or not, The Pit has actually created their own little memes, which consist of saying "I Cum Blood" whenever a thread concerning music is involved and "Faster Tom Runn!!" when a user is in deep shit. Other memes include Herman Ri, tits on a whale, dimebuckers in a tele, gameboy soundcard in a pickup, "it's a stereo amp...", whammy without a whammy bar, crushing overdrive, searchbar jokes, "k koo", a douche bag with carrot top hair playing bass, circle jerk jake and ITS SHRED TIME! More faggotry is sure to come..

Zagioh

Zagioh himself

Every now and then, someone on UG will find a video on Youtube that is so full of fail that they will post a new thread about it. Well, that's where 'Zagioh' comes in. In the video, some 10 year old retard goes on about his yugioh collection and how he could beat anyone he wants to. At least 100 UG'rs then commented on the video with saying 'UG FTW' and telling him that their pokemon cards could beat his shitty deck, and epic lulz ensued. A few hours later, Zagioh decided to get butthurt and remove the video, but someone had saved it before it was removed, and it can be seen here.


See Also

External Links

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