University of Phoenix

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No, you am not.
Very prestigious.

University of Phoenix is a fictional online university brought to you by the innovative minds serving the failure community with inventions such as ITT Tech, Kaplan University, and The Jew Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Who Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Providing convenient online courses to basement-dwellers in combination with a wide variety of useless academic degrees, University of Phoenix has established a reputation as a reliable paper mill for keyboard warriors that already have an associate of arts degree in their inventories, are unable to leave their parents' homes to attend a mockery of a campus, or looking to pad the résumé to cheat their way into gainful employment. When they do finish it, their final diploma is equivalent to Ron Paul's nomination.


Tuition at University of Phoenix is relative to the ass-rape commonly associated with ITT Tech and Kaplan University. The costs are considerably higher, in both monetary value, the tolls inflicted upon the credit score of the student, and the eventual death of the human soul as a direct result of matriculating to University of Phoenix. The main deviation from the structure used by both aforementioned schools is that the students likely attended one or the other as an undergraduate, and are fully aware of the consequences as a result of their experience.

Payment plans are generally available to the potential students. The initial shock of using both legal tender and loans that accrue interest as opposed to Warcraft gold and Second Life property deeds usually dissipates within months, but contingencies are in place for those that are unable to make the adjustment. Anal rape and Toledo Burritos are now common costs.


Assuming suckers students have survived the MMORPG-like lower levels of the pyramid scheme known as online education, students are granted access to the second series of levels in a calculated effort to deceive the suckers students into believing that their e-penises will grow with every useless degree which is bought and paid for with the help of greedy loansharks.

Courses available for download and third grade-level printed workbooks include:

Advanced Courses

The more industrious students (demonstrated with level 60+ characters in both World of Warcraft and Star Wars: Battlefront II) are quickly promoted past the second series of levels and granted the rank of OTIII graduate student. Massive increases in unwarranted self-importance and douchebaggery are considered perks of these promotions, along with the neckbeards.

Courses available for download and construction paper and crayon kits include;

Special Education Courses

The high number of retards combined with the inherent laziness of the rest of the student body, treading water in regards to online education is to be expected. Students are given the opportunity to achieve the degrees they should have added to their inventories and HotBars while inhabiting the lower levels of the online education MMORPG as lame undergraduates.

Courses available for download and stone tablet and chisel kits include;


Awaiting names and signatures.

After years of finger-painting and the online college equivalent of macaroni art, students are declared educated and sent into the world in order to infect new hosts and metastasize the University of Phoenix brand of ignorance and incompetence in the workplace. This is closely-related to wealthy ignorance and incompetence in the workplace, but with less access to political office and the upper echelon of corporate America; failing at this too. And if you take out even moar student loans, you may just be able to afford a P-p-p-powerbook!


If you actually live anywhere near Phoenix, Arizona, don't bother with this place. Go to ASU in Tempe. Even Ned Flanders of "The Simpsons" knows how easy it is to get into ASU - after dying and seeing a bunch of sinners in heaven, he said, "Looks like heaven's easier to get into than Arizona State." Also, ASU doesn't take 100% of your student loan just to cover tuition and books, leaving you with plenty of money for other essential educational items, all at ultra-low interest rates from Uncle Sam. Remember: If you can't get a real degree from ASU, you can always get a job at University of Phoenix - but if you attend, even they won't want to hire you.

University of Phoenix is raped by Black Jesus

Last Thursday, after a passionate session of buttsex with Dick Cheney spent thinking about dead Iraqis, W decided to give his homeboys another government giveaway- he relaxed the rules for for-profit colleges taking students on government financial aid. This led to the University of Phoenix making over 9000 dollars every year, and their stock subsequently went through the roof.

When Black Jesus was elected, he issued an edict against all capitalism in the land of America. This led to much wailing and gnashing of teeth among fat, bald white men, such as the founder of the University of Phoenix. The rules about government financial aid were un-relaxed, and suddenly, this fake school could no longer make the Jew goldz at Uncle Sam's expense.

As of press time, the experts are still waiting to hear from the Video Professor guy.

More Than Brains ad campaign

In 2016, the university released a commercial of some chick singing about how she fucked up her life by ending up with three kids, a mortgage and "two bullets to the chest", and telling you "a degree is a degree, you're going to want someone like me, but only if you have a brain", to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain" appropriately enough. New media propaganda outlets lauded this half sung/half spoken, single note commercial as wry and super catchy, while calling the University's detractors "haters". Under this theory, the shitlords at the New York Times would qualify as haters because they call the school a diploma mill... One that cost some suckers one billion dollars, and one whose business model relies on ripping off their customers, and releasing poorly trained nurses aides and phlebotomists onto society at large.

So my kids don’t have to forage / Got two jobs to pay a mortgage

And I’ve also got a brain.
Life’s short, talk is cheap / I’ll be working while you sleep
Still don’t think I’ve got a brain?
You can try, I’ll do it faster / I was born a multitasker
I was raised against the grain.
Took two bullets in the chest / Got three kids, I never rest
And I’ve also got a brain.
You think a resume’s enough / Will step up when things get tough
Don’t you want that kind of brain?
A degree is a degree / You’re gonna want someone like me
But only if you have a brain.


—For the music, just press one key on a piano over and over, for the voice effect, simply pick up a 2 pack a day Newport habit

Because the way to pay off that mortgage is to incur further debt in in pursuit of a useless degree from a diploma mill. Because the way to find good nurses and phlebotomists is to advertise to people who watch quality entertainment like Maury and Jerry Springer. Next time your lab tech misses your vein, thank University of Phoenix.

Known "students" with University of Phoenix

See Also

External Links