Imagine that it’s after midnight. You are lying on your couch surfing through all 500 of your channels looking for something to watch. You managed to find a channel in which a movie just started and you go check your cable guide to see which movie it was. Then you forgot which channel it was. You put down your cable guide to check which channel it was and your remote suddenly disappeared and your TV guide did the same as well. You are stuck watching this movie until it ends.
When you finished watching it, you feel something funny. You feel as if you were raped in the eyes, you have this feeling of discontent and regret. You regret wasting that much electricity watching about one to two and a half hours and you hate looking forward to paying the electricity bill knowing that it will include the billings for the power that was wasted on that movie. Which movie was that? It was probably an Uwe Boll movie.
What is this... creature?
Haha, just kidding, Uwe is actually really fucking horrible. Allow us to reveal (or re-educate you about) who this man is and why he is seen as an utter menace to both horror and gamer fans alike. Uwe Boll, having a mysterious pronunciation of name, is known to have a single dream. That dream would be to make amazing and critically acclaimed movie adaptations of beloved video games so he can be loved among his fellow horror and video game nerds. Unfortunately in Boll's case, that dream is impossible to achieve and far from his reach.
Indeed, Boll has been panned constantly for the poor efforts put within the movie yet he would always – and we mean ALWAYS, imply that he is the greatest director. Of course, this is just Boll boasting his vast amount of unwarranted self-importance and, boy-howdy, does that piss off horror and gamer fanboys. Yet, despite repeating mistakes that people have criticized in his past movies, he still concludes that he is an absolute genius.
Uwe's Movie Career
One of the mighty highlights of Uwe’s life is his movie career. In Uwe’s world, the one word that would best describe his movies is “perfect”. The reason for that is Uwe Boll has a massive amount of USI. The reality is that Uwe is completely incompetent when it comes to making a watchable movie. Almost every aspect of his movies are criticized, including the actors, music, plot, scenery and whatnot.
It has also been rumored that Boll has been following the footsteps of the typical greedy Jew. Those footsteps would be to steal precious jewgolds, in this case, from the government, and use it to make something horrendous for all humankind. Uwe, along with some other people, have exploited a loophole found within the German tax law in which the Government would give them back 50% of the money they invested in the movie.
—Uwe Boll, from the commentary of the movie Alone in the Dark.
Behold only a couple of samples of his wonderful movie plots.
- Alone in the Dark
- The only thing you really need to know about Alone in the Dark is that Uwe Boll fired the original script writer because there wasn't enough car chases and explosions.
- Matt is haunted by the memory of a woman that he hit with his car years ago which alters his sense of reality. In the present, Matt and his girlfriend, Dawn, go away for the weekend. After going out to find Dawn, Matt gets attacked by her family and is found guilty of murdering the girl that he killed years ago. As punishment, he gets hunted down by the family in the forest. That’s pretty much it. Yeah…
- House of the Dead
- IT ALL STARTED WHEN WE WENT TO AN ISLAND TO GO TO A RAVE; however, the stupid idiots soon realize upon arriving that the island was taken over by zombies. The teens would have to take refuge within a house in order to survive the night. They used stock footage from the video game which makes the film even more piss-poor than it already is. However, if you watch it with someone with epilepsy, lulz are guaranteed.
- In Eighteenth century Romania, an otherkin, Rayne, sets out to find her mother’s rapist who happens to be the king of vampires.
- Bloodrayne 2
- After one hundred years, Rayne finds herself in the town of Deliverance where a group of — get this — vampire cowboys lead by Billy the fucking Kid have emerged. Rayne has to stop Billy from slaughtering the townspeople and raping children in order to show the west has truly won.
- Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
- Same shit, only with the Nazis in some fuck-all town in the middle of Poland.
How the Raging Boll takes on his enemies
—Boll, to the Ain’t it cool news guy
Like an adult baby, Uwe cries when anyone criticizes his acts of kindness. Because he was tired of his shitty movies getting negative reviews, he decided to take action. By mid-2006, Uwe Boll has challenged those who called his movies a steaming pile of crap to ten rounds of boxing. Now, it should be noted that besides being a horrible director, Boll is a semi-professional boxer.
<video type="youtube" id="B3M_wGfYewo" width="200" height="200" desc="Now, witness how Lowtax was beaten up like a red-headed stepchild." frame="true" position="right"/> One taker, which made this event hyped up, was Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka from Something Awful. Lowtax has claimed that Boll offered to pay him for writing the script for Alone in the Dark. Of course, Lowtax knows that a majority, if not all, movies based on video games will inevitably suck. Not even his magical scriptwriting and nerd skills would make this a good movie.
<video type="youtube" id="D1w4ZW72k98" width="200" height="200" desc="Uwe beats up a Michael Bay sex doll." frame="true" position="left"/>
Uwe’s mass shit-talking over YouTube has attracted the attention of Michael Bay, a much more popular and talented movie director known for having a number of awesome EXPLOSIONS!!!!! within his movie career. Bay was none too pleased with Uwe’s raging on video, and even replied to this bullshit on a forum.
Uwe, as expected, was angered at Bay for not worshiping the God he truly he is and responded very maturely. Because of that one post, Uwe has advised Bay to start training and get ready for a boxing match. Remember: Uwe is not to be messed with.
The internet began to take its own part within this shitfest. The butternets soon got tired of Uwe Boll trying to control and bitch at any forms of criticisms of his movies. As a response, video game nerds gathered together and formed a petition to stop Uwe Boll from raping yet another game franchise. Their goal was to reach up to one million in order to show Boll that nobody — nobody — wants to watch a movie made by him.
After the anti-Boll petition reached over 100,000 signatures, Boll made yet another video on YouTube. He stated that only jealous people are repeatedly signing the petition because he is the true competition in the movie business. He has also called out Michael Bay and Jew and commentated on a movie saying that every single thing is wrong. In other words, he believes that only those who are truly superior can criticize him. Oh the irony...
What they say about the Uwe!
Uwe Boll Retires
Due to Germany changing their laws which no longer provides movie producers with half their money back for making a film in Germany, Uwe Boll is facing hard times and nobody wants to hire him to make a film. Blizzard Entertainment rejected Uwe's proposal to make a World of Warcraft movie.
—Paul Sams, Guy from Blizzard.
Since Uwe can't make a film which scores higher than 3.6 on iMDB, he resorted to Kickstarter to fund his next film, Rampage 3.
However, he was only able to raise $35,000 through crowd sourcing.
The result? Uwe retires.
Galerie von Uwe Boll
- The correct pronounciation for his name is YOU BAAAALLL
- All three of his latest films are in the bottom 100 films on IMDB .
- Seanbaby has challenged Uwe Boll to a fight, but the filmmaker pussied out of his agreement.
- Uwe Boll blew three famous film critics to get his films into theaters.
- The first two film critics were not Gene Shalit.
- Rumor has it that Uwe Boll plans on making a film version of Legacy of Kain. This may be a first for Uwe, as there is nothing he can do to this franchise that could fail any harder than what DeviantART members have already done.
- Anal sex creates autistic children
- Anal sex with said autistic children creates Uwe Bolls
- Every time Uwe speaks, 14 children die in Africa, and 26 become orphans due to AIDS
- Admiration of Boll has led to the English coining the adjective "Bollocks"
- Boll once swallowed a live goldfish for €200.
- His movies are all time favourites of Kim Jong Il.
- Something Awful
- Michael Bay
- Rubeus Eden
- Rotten Tomatoes
- US Copyright Group
- ButLova - The inflation fetish version of Uwe Boll. NSFW: His drawings are god-awful!
- Postal 2 - Has nothing to do with Uwe, but has the same name as the movie he failed to fund on Kickstarter
- His website
- Lowtax’s account
- More waaaaaaaahmbulance
- His IMDB Have something to say about Uwe?
- Petition to stop making films
- Uwe Boll Must Be Stopped!!!
- TNE Wiki article focusing on the Boll-Lowtax boxing match
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