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Party Van

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Cock and pussy are begging to be gobbled and chewed up. However, there is a cock-pussy gang who refuses to munch down on genital meat, because it's against their religion and their Holy Leader Jesus Edgar Hoover will throw a high-heeled shoe at them. That would be the highly Mormonic gang of thugs known as the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Also known as The Authorities, The Feds, or the Fucking Bunch of Idiots(it's true!), the Party Van is SERIOUS BUSINESS, designed to help corporations throw you in jail for sharing ones and zeroes—despite sharing being the basis of our human society. Having purged all the Commies and nonconformists from Amerika, now they're after you.

lies

THIS WEBPAGE OF THE INTERNETS IS BEING OBSERVED BY THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION UNDER AUTHORITY OF THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FOR VIOLATION OF FEDERAL LULZ MANDATES AS DEFINED BY THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT.

AS A VISITOR, YOU MAY BE REQUIRED TO PARTICIPATE IN AN EXTENSIVE BACKGROUND TEST. YOUR DISTINCTIVE FINGERPRINTS, SCARS, FORDYCE'S SPOTS, HAIR COLOR, HAIR TYPE, DATE AND TIME OF BIRTH, HEIGHT, WEIGHT, GENDER, ETHNIC BACKGROUND, FAT DISTRIBUTION, OCULAR SURFACE, BLOOD TYPE, BLOOD PRESSURE, CHROMOSOME COUNT, INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT, SAT SCORE, EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT, EPIDERMAL TENSILE STRENGTH, NEURAL IMPULSE QUADRATURE MODULATION FREQUENCY, MOLAR MASS, PENIS/CLITORIS GIRTH, CLOCK SPEED, NEGRO-HORMONE LEVEL, MIDICHLORIAN COUNT, OT LEVELS, THETAN DETECTION, SPERM COUNT, GREY MATTER VOLUME, CARPAL DERMAL TISSUE CONDUCTIVITY, HEAT OF VAPORIZATION, FIRST IONIZATION ENERGY, SALIVARY VISCOSITY, STOOL CONSISTENCY, SPECIFIC HEAT, RESONANCE STRUCTURE, CRYSTALLINE PACKING STRUCTURE, ANAL DIAMETER, BRUCE TREADMILL TEST SCORES, BODY MASS INDEX, BODY-FAT PERCENTAGE, PERSONALITY TYPE, VO2 MAX, LETHAL DOSES FOR VARIOUS CHEMICALS, ACOUSTIC ABSORPTION CHARACTERISTICS, OTHER BIOMETRIC DATA, SEXUAL ORIENTATION, FAVORITE COLOR, AND STDS MAY BE DOCUMENTED AND STORED INDEFINITELY AT AN UNSPECIFIED LOCATION WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT AND/OR KNOWLEDGE. THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATIONS MAY, CONDITIONAL TO ITS FAIL AND AIDS AGREEMENT, RELEASE RECORDS DISPLAYING YOUR NAME TO INDIVIDUALS PETITIONING IT UNDER THE FREEDOM OF INFORMATION ACT OF 1996.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION. YOUR PARTICIPATION ENSURES THE DEMOCRATIC FREEDOM OF AMERICA.

Contents

WTF is all this

OUR FEARLESS LEADER

You can thank Old Man Hoover for making this "agency" back in the 1920s. At the height of the paranoia over Prohibition (thank you Harry Anslinger, you cunt!), ol' Jerk Edgar was having a holy shit-cow over communists in his America-stew. He was a repressed dick-polisher and Friend'o'White-Jesus at a time when "communications" meant a ten-cent telegram. In some ways the Booreau hasn't grown out of its crude-assed childhood. They still use jackboot-monkeyboy techniques and homoerotic subtext uniforms/equipment to "Get Their Mane" and suck it off.

Mind, the Pussy Van does not roll without "emeniez of the State" to go after and then wave in front of a compliant press as "terrible monsters". All the butthurtyness of AnonOps, LulzSec, GNAA, Lizard Squad, etc are the result of their own paranoia as well as the many fucked-up and badly formed cases the DOJ, Bureau, NSA and other alphabet soup assembled against h4x0rs. Ask your mom, Ryan Cleary or weev for shit examples. Being a bunch of emotionally submature l00bz, 1334 hex0rs are always pissed that someone came after them for "a bit of harmless fun". Only the really stupid ones get caught, because the Fedz are even dumber. They are always 10-20 years behind in technology compared to a scabby teenage girl with the latest iphone. They won't move a ballsack unless JAEZUS tells them it's okay to do it. The Bureau is fulla Morons, Hoooover lieked them because they were clean, quiet and compliant. They would cheerfully destroy whoever J. Anus hated that week.

Agents of the Boooreau always get their man/thing, and doesn't never fuck up, evar. They are honest and upright citizens all the time. They go undercover occasionally and make complete fools of themselves. And if you ever have to deal with an Agent of the Boooreau, and you want to ruin his day, ask him about Ted Gunderson. Or Gary Aldrich. Go ahead.


   
 
With a guy like Ted there to buck up your credibility, you ain’t got much to begin with! The best way to describe Gunderson is that he was like “Jethro Bodine” pretending to be a “double-naught spy” on The Beverly Hillbillies. At one point during his career he oversaw 700 plus officers of the FBI’s Southern California bureau, and yet frankly, he’s one of the stupidest people I’ve ever met. Whenever someone asks me how he got in such a position, I tell them, “He was big and he was pushy.” (I’d run into him a few more times over the years, including when I interviewed him about Satanic cults for another spot on the show. He was a comic foil for me twice in the series).
 

 
 

—--The Bureau's Finest

OL Expressions of Gratitude

Or maybe it is...
  • Heaneyland!
    • "I SAY FUCK THE FBI/RIAA/MPAA AND THE REST OF THE FUCKING BASTARDS GO SCREW YOURSELVES YOU FUCKING BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  • Ubersite
    • "Forget the fact that I've lived in Canada my entire fucking life, a country who poses absolutely no threat to you whatsoever, and whose navy is less threatening than the fucking Love Boat. Forget the fact that I've been to the States a million fucking times before. Forget the fact that I've never even seen a fucking gun in my life, let alone know how to operate a bomb. With my luck I would probably blow my dick off and still manage to live. And the worse part is, one of the FBI guys was cross-eyed. The bitch was fucking cross-eyed with a giant mole on his forehead. I was scared shitless and trying not to laugh all at the same time. So in short, fuck the FBI." Long story short, whiny Canadian bitches about a completely different country he knows nothing about. Whiny Americunt bitches about a country he couldn't point to on a map. Whiny Canadian continues to bitch cause it's what he and his countrymen(see: pussies) Whiny Can'tnadian pissed off cause his country continues to yield no significance to anything relevant on the world's stage. Nor has his country contributed anything since John Candy.
  • Meet the Biotch Who Does The Bureau's Tech Dorkery
    • "Firms that feared being tagged as tools of a privacy-invading government became less willing to assist in surveillance “because it was perceived as not a good business model to be seen as cooperating with the government,” Hess said. It used to be, she said, that companies meeting a legal requirement to provide “technical assistance” generally would try to comply with wiretap orders. “Now all of a sudden we get hung up on the question of what, exactly, does that mean I have to provide to you?” she said. In recent months, the FBI’s conversations with companies have become more productive, she said, “but it’s not to the level we were pre-Snowden.”"
  • John Lennon's FBI file
    • "John Lennon's sizable FBI file begins in the midst of his 1972 deportation battle with INS. While Lennon argued in court that the motive behind the deportation was political, the Bureau worked to secure a narcotics charge that would get him out of the country before the Republican National Convention that year. "

The Copypasta

In Soviet Russia...you go to Party Van.
In China, you're fucked.

When trolling as a delicious Loli, when the guy asks for a pic, cam, etc, send him this.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violations of U.S. law. Reference no. 2334453436. Your IP address has been entered into our suspect database and may be sent to CPS(Child Protection Services) and local law enforcement agencies. Please wait while memory ref. code 90637895 is entered into the database.

After you send this pasta, the conversation should go like this:

colin says: u see ma cock?
Jew says: The Federal Bureau of Investigation has logged a record of this chat along with the IP addresses of the participants due to potential violations of U.S. law. Reference no. 8429l271. Your IP address has been entered into our suspect database and may be sent to CPS(Child Protection Services) and local law enforcement agencies. Please wait while memory ref. code 90637895 is entered into the database.
colin has stopped viewing webcam with you.
Jew says: Please wait while we process your IP address.
Jew says: Location found.
colin says: oh fuck



Pasta 2.0

Fill in the blanks and paste this where relevant;

This is an automated message sent by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We are to inform you that you are now on a watchlist, and that you are to be monitored 24/7 as of now. Your actions have concerned us, and we are in suspicion that you are a potential risk to society and anyone around you. Due to the fact that you often search up various topics on the internet that concern ___ and ___, you are now labeled as a potential _____. Here are the various things you have searched up in the past months. If you have not searched up any of these topics, please contact a representative of the Federal Bureau of Investigation at once to fix this major error by calling (310) 477-6565.

Gallery

FBI Gallery About missing Pics

Other Sites Pwned By FBI

Takedown Notice OMG

Feds are known for their backdoors. They see buttholes everywhere.

Apparently the Fuckwitted Bastards Institute doesn't like the idea of freedom of the press. On December the 8th, 2010, during the middle of Operation Payback, ED was just doing its usual: documenting the raid, nothing particularly illegal, when they received a cease-and-desist notice from the aforementioned Feds to remove the page. See, some wise members of the Anons had decided to post dox on the various people to attack over the previous few weeks, and the FBI had finally managed to take notice. For some reason, they seemed to think that Sheneequa and Co. were responsible, not the people who edited the article. Another odd thing was that they never offered to compromise by removing the offending text and just document events as they unfolded.

The FBI threatened to prosecute ED otherwise, and as such they testicularlessly removed the article. At least until this shit blows over, and a legal one without the dox can be put up. For some reason, they think this is the worst ED has been used for. All of this is because the FBI is very unilateral and repressed-faggoty. Hopefully Anons will think a bit better next time before they attack the websites of their own country's government. Still, it raises important questions when a country that has laws explicitly enshrining free speech protects those rights of the people less than countries that don't.

So basically, we can't put that page back up yet. And don't try it either, Anons.

See also

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External links


Party Van is part of a series on
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