Virginia Tech Massacre
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The Great VTECH Massacre was one of the coolest and most epic shootings in American history after Columbine. The game began one morning when Virginia Tech University senior "Blazn Azn" Cho Seung-Hui a.k.a Shoo Tin Yanks - an autistic resident alien from Good Korea - was playing Pokémon. His girlfriend destroyed his Nintendo DS after realizing that he cared more about shiny Pidgeys than her, pissing him off a great deal, seeing as the chances of capturing a shiny Pidgey were less than a 1/1000.
Seeing no other choice, the AZN immediately whipped out a couple of pistols and popped a cap in that bitch's ass. Now consumed by a savage lust for blood, the AZN went around terrorizing the school for two hours, killing 31 more people and wounding 29, making it
the second largest mass murder in US history third largest since a fat boomer shot a bunch of country music fans from his hotel room, and then, once someone finally switched the police on he became An Hero after shouting FYIAD. The incident occurred 4 days before An Hero Day, making it tragic that the AZN couldn't have waited just a little longer.
Perhaps the only positive things to come out of this tragedy (aside from the obvious StarCraft jokes) is that it's the first time in months that the news has broadcast anything other than Don Imus' love of the black wimmins, or shit about Anna Nicole Smith's gaping clown vagina and the gaping chasm between Britney Spears' ears.
It should also be noted that our hero managed to catch up with and bag himself one slippery Jew when he pwn'd a holocaust survivor, teacher Liviu Librescu... And on Holocaust Remembrance Day, no less! The Irony Gods will surely reward young Cho with 72 technical virgins upon his arrival in Heaven.
This guy definitely had no Seoul.
- 1 MOAR GUNZ NAO PLZ!
- 2 Accurate account of events
- 3 Graded Score
- 4 Impending racism
- 5 God hates Virginia
- 6 The killer
- 7 Cho: Playwright. Author. Comedic genius.
- 8 Local terrorist records incident 
- 9 The Real Issue
- 10 Repercussions
- 11 4chan creates drama
- 12 4chan did Virginia Tech?
- 13 LJ Community CAT_MACROS Dramaaaaa
- 14 Cho Seung Hui: NBC's drama llama
- 15 Cho Seung-Hui's VBlog
- 16 Kenneth Eng sends his condolences
- 17 First copycat
- 18 "Cho Seung-Hui - the musical"
- 19 Quotes
- 20 Facebook's greatest quotes
- 21 Facebook memorial dramaz
- 22 Student shows his true emotion in school
- 23 Sequels
- 23.1 VTECH 2: Irony Pwnage
- 23.2 Cho 3: Attacks From Beyond the Grave
- 23.3 CHO 4: Getting Some "Head"
- 23.4 CHO 3 Part II: Attacks from Beyond The Grave Part 2
- 23.5 CHO5: Fort Hood Nightmare Mode The Arkbar Allah Edition
- 23.6 Cho 6: Azns on Ice 3D
- 23.7 CHO
- 23.8 Cho 7: Live to Fight Another Day in 2D and 3D Blu Ray Next Fall
- 23.9 Return of Cho
- 24 VTech Halloween costume
- 25 Extra lulz
- 26 Virginia Tech is racist
- 27 *Chan's interpretations of the event
- 28 See also
- 29 External links
MOAR GUNZ NAO PLZ!
Within minutes of the incident, gun nuts all over the blogosphere began mashing at their keyboards furiously, claiming that "If more people had guns, this would never have happened, because there are mountains of evidence showing that countries with greater gun control have more violent crime." Unfortunately they typed: "Existing gun laws prevented frightened redneck college students from carrying the gunz loaded with armor-piercing bullets that were present from their daddies". "Those cracker boys coulda saved lives! After all, if you can shoot paper you can shoot a crazed, armed azn in a crowded lecture hall. Where's our goddamn gun rights?!"
Anti-gun bloggers, on the other hand, whined, "Gun fetishists who claim that "Guns don't kill people,
exit wounds azns with guns kill people" need to realize that, thanks to their deadly weapon 'rights', Chiang was able to shoot to the top of the "US Gun Massacres" leader board, giving him the high score! ...Once again proving that no matter how good you are, there is always a chink with a better score. Except bloggers are traditionally morons who can't do research - Cho actually only had second place to Andrew Kehoe - 45/32.
Neither group seemed ready to admit that, gun rights aside, someone as street-smart as Cho could easily have gotten a gun on the black market. And if he couldn't have gotten a gun, he would have used knives, bricks, harpoons, arrows or the motherfucking Death Star. Everyone knows these are equally deadly, which is why the U.S. Army is arming soldiers with sticks and yo-yos instead of those big expensive metal guns.
Accurate account of events
A certain azn began his early morning with a loadup of the map cs_vtech. After joining the terrorist squad and buying the duelies, he initiated a ZERG RUSH on the main hostage facility. He knifed the first two victims before realizing that the counter-terrorists were on to his movements. With quick thinking, he realized that he can extend the round by killing all remaining hostages as only a nifty Azn can do. The CT's were overwhelmed by this cunning an hero. In just one round he surmounted a 32:1 kill death ratio not to mention the amount of damage points with the remaining injured. Cries of "IM IN UR BASE, KILLIN UR DOODZ" could be heard across the IRLtubes as finally the admin came in to permaban him from IRL.
After the carnage at Vtech many people questioned why the server admin didn't get HLGuard after the initial killings due to the obvious use of an aimbot. The admin replied with simply, "OH SHI---"
|Kill count:||32/20 (12 Extra kills)|
|Style:||17/20 bonus points for locking people in|
|Total score: 107/100 (A+)|
Apparently, Johnny Law and Officer Friendly almost figured out who the shooter was, but because their force are made up entirely of pussies, they only managed a press briefing which went to the tune of: "it was an Azn, man. Fuck, dude, I dunno", and defensively barking at one intrepid reporter, "look, we can't be expected to tell apart the Kim Dong Ils from the Kim Il Hungs or any of that shit. He was just, fucking... Azn, alrite? Fuck this shit, boys, let's get some burgers."
For the next 24 hours, CNN and Fox News cryptically referred to a mysterious Asian Man in their news reports, using this to draw attention from the fact that they had no clue wtf was actually going on. Critics complained that when a white person shoots up something, they are not referred to as a "white man" in news reports while their identity is pending - well, of course not!! White people shooting each other is old news. But ASIANS?? WTF?
In cities with a large azn population (like Los Angeles and San Francisco), there were widespread riots as whites, Mexicans, blacks and Jews smashed the windows on Asian-owned businesses, allegedly on the warpath for the mysterious inscrutable Azn responsible. However, some argue that the honkies, Jews and niggers involved were just using that excuse as a handy cover story to steal Azn product designs or destroy everything as usual.
As shattered glass rained around her like finely-wrought crystals from the deep indigo night, local resident Annu Furanku, a 14-year old Chinagirl, wrote in her tear-stained journal with immaculate brushstrokes,
"Is discord going to show itself while we are still fighting, is the Azn once again worth less than another? Oh, it is sad, very sad, that once more, for the umpteenth time, the old truth is confirmed: "What one Whitey does is his own responsibility, what one Azn does is thrown back at all Azns."[sauce plz!?!1!]
You bet your yellow ass, you little chinklet. Abandon your violin lessons and pack your work boots; we've got a railroad to finish. DING DING!! All aboard the Yellow Peril Express!
God hates Virginia
The day after the killings occurred, God Hates Fags issued a statement stating that God Hates VTECH, an that every single person shot deserved it, and it was God's rightful judgment. This statement is 100 percent fact, according to impeccable top God Hates Fags official sources.
GHF plans to protest at every single VTECH-related funeral, which should result in some good lulz. Expect video from them within the week. Unfortunately, Fred Phelps was heading a symposium on the health benefits of prison rape, and was unable to coordinate the protests.
Fred Phelps: "It Are Fact - I Know Because of My Learnings"
The killer was apparently a 23 year old sick fuck with Ass Burgers named "Blazn Azn" aka Cho Seung Hui from Good Korea. In his spare time, Cho did family-friendly activities, such as writing plays about women getting raped and tortured, and fantasizing about killing harlots. This could have been because he was either a Christian, a chink, or a massive faggot - though based upon the facts, one could also theorize that he was from 4chan. Ironically, some people believe that this may be true (see further down), but the "massive faggot" theory is equally plausible. Cho left a note in his dormitory, stating, "You made me do this". He was most definitely playing Grand Theft Auto, says genius mastermind Jack Thompson, since video games are the cause of all the world's problems. In response, authorities are considering promoting Mr. Thompson to ruler of the universe for his wise insight. It is though that he is the gudz at Warcraft.
Cho (who is undoubtedly related to that fat lesbian, Margaret Cho) was revealed in one of his plays, "Mr. Brownstone," to be a fanboy of has-been metal band Guns 'N Roses. Mr. Thompson is obviously fa retard; it wasn't GTA that did this to Cho, it was OBVIOUSLY the song "I Used To Love Her (But I Had To Kill Her)". You don't even have to read the lyrics or to even have heard the song to know that song is totally about going on a shooting rampage.
It has been revealed that Cho emigrated to the US as a young boy, dreaming of fronting "the bestest Guns 'N Roses cover band in the world ever, dawg", but he was too much of an asspie to ever get up onstage. Cell phone videos record Cho wailing "Get Into The Ring" during the shooting in a near dead-on imitation of Axl Rose.
Right now, police are trying to determine whether or not Cho did both the dorm shooting and the Norris Hall shooting. Sources say the police's intelligence levels can't stretch beyond 'mentally handicapped', so it could take awhile for them to figure it out. Don't worry guys, you're doing a super job. You'll catch up eventually.
The recent analysis of videotapes left by Cho allow psychiatrists to suspect that he did it for the lulz
Not the killer: There are several failed myspace profiles out now for the lulz. You would have to be a damn n0ob to think these real.
Cho: Playwright. Author. Comedic genius.
Cho had written several lol plays for his English class which have been leaked onto the Internet. They are entitled "Richard McBeef" and "Mr. Brownstone". Yes, that's right. Richard. Fucking. MCBEEF. In both of these plays Cho displays horrendous grammar and punctuation, which is certainly to be expected for a slant, but what is ironic is that Cho was an ENGLISH major. Keep this in mind when you read such wonderful lines as "Why am I so angry at you! Because you murdered my father so you can get into my mother's pant!--" and "I just said that his name sounds like kidney stone of the ass and that's why he is always gruffy and angry. His shit is so thick and so oddly shaped that he can't go and all his shit are piled up in his intestines all the way up to his chest. He probably rips his sphincter to relieve a single gram of turd after two hours of pushing, sweating, teeth clenching, screeming in frustration, and holding breath for a half gram of green mold shit." This masterful, artfully-constructed prose could truly only come from a senior English major.
Cho's fellow students did not agree that Richard McBeef and Mr. Brownstone were the two greatest plays ever created by an autistic Korean English major and said that the plays "were really morbid and grotesque" and "like something out of a nightmare". Remember that these students are referring to a play in which a 13-year-old child accuses his stepfather of pedophilia and tries to choke him with a health bar only to be struck with a "fatal blow" by the father, and a play which describes in graphic detail a certain Mr. Brownstone's bowel irregularity and takes its name from a Guns N' Roses song of the same name; the song's lyrics are later quoted in the play. Truly, these plays are horrifying and can only be the work of a dangerous mind.
Jamal Alblarghouti, member of a terrorist cell, embedded at Virginia Tech as a “I’m from the Middle East, so I’m not used to this sort of thing, but I’ve been in similar situations,” Alblarghouti told MSNBC-TV.
He also told CNN "Woah! Sorry it is very windy out here." Very, very moving news. And brave words, from a brave, brave man.
The Real Issue
The "largest massacre in US history" was committed by a
gook whiteguy! and epic an hero.Come on, white people, are we really going to let some panda fucker take away our national pastime of mindless violence? If you are white and reading this, then get a gun and go to a university/school. You need to kill at least 100 people (over 9000 is recommended). You must not become an hero or be killed by the police. When you get captured, proclaim, "I did it for the lulz." For max points, do everything without the help of your boyfriend, faggot. The only acceptable means of becoming an hero and still being a man is to perform "The Awesome".
The incident has the potential to start something along the lines of World War II, introducing a sudden distrust of everything AZN. Concentration camps will happen all over again (however, Weeaboos and Wapanese will be shipped off as well, so it's not all bad), America will drop its nukes all over creation... you know how it goes.
4chan creates drama
That night, someone on 4chan found pictures of a Chinese kid on LiveJournal who attended Virginia Tech and started spamming links to their journal. However, this turned out to be just profiling on the part of /b/. The link spread like wildfire and hundreds of retards flocked to his journal to attempt to be a part of the dramageddon and ring in, but they were later pwnt when the owner of the journal posted, saying he should have put ad-sense in due to all the unique hits he was getting. Girlvinyl declared in H1 tags that the journal was faux, yet retards still flocked there under the mistaken belief that they were going to be a part of history.
Said journal owner, achieved Internet celebrity simply for being azn. While he isn't the killer, he is the victim of a brilliant prank. So far, the number of hits to his page have increased over nine thousand percent, and his quest to prove his innocence isn't helped by the fact that he has as many guns as the entire army of North Korea.
Some say it's not black person fault for this terrible incident but they cite the fact that Cho was suffering from a severe case of the Monday's.
4chan did Virginia Tech?
Students at the university's online newspaper, planetblacksburg.com, discovered a message on a website that seemed to announce the massacre. News media sources earlier today actually ran this story. However, soon after, it was learned that they had been pranked by Photoshop. It still didn't stop a lot of newspapers, though, that had already gone to press.
LJ Community CAT_MACROS Dramaaaaa
Since people on the Internet are stupid and like to burst into tears and cut themselves to tragedies that happen to strangers on teevee, an emoshit of an LJ user named Elgaladangel shit herself and screamed loudly when someone posted a picture of a kitten with a handgun and the words "OH HAI VIRGINIA TECH" or some shit. Because bitching and screaming on the Internet is easier than doing anything productive IRL, of course.
The original post with the macro is gone, along with two other posts that were deleted since the mod KittyDoom didn't want to put up with goth crybabies soiling themselves on her carpet, but more drama can be seen in a modpost here.
The whiny emoshit, with a publicly accessible journal, has posted her 'victory speeches' on her own LJ here. Commenting is encouraged, but be sure to bring a raincoat and a small canoe, lest you drown in tears and fecal matter.
Cho Seung Hui: NBC's drama llama
It appears that in the time between blasting the first victims, Cho compiled a collection of shamelessly self-promoting pictures, videos, and rants, burned them onto CDs, and sent them to NBC News. However, much like his own epic failure at life, he fucked up the zip code, and so the package didn't get delivered overnight. He mailed it with the name "A. Ishmael", a reference to old media book, Moby Dick, a book often touted by English majors to have been the single most influential book in American literature -- influential, that is, for turning people into queers due to its incessant references to electronic musician Moby and dicks.
NBC News, after getting the package, immediately sunk their slavering news media teeth into it, playing every few hours new contents of Cho's manifesto, showing the thirty or so MySpace-like pictures that he posted of himself posing dramatically like an action hero with various weapons, and essentially fulfilled the killer's dying wish by allowing him the attention he so desperately desired, but could never attain without becoming an hero. In the videos, Cho reads his shitty prose and rails against the rich, Christianity, and generally comes across like a 16 year old girl ranting on Livejournal. Also of note is that he sounds exactly like Napoleon Dynamite, which makes his emo bitching about over 9000 times more lulz-worthy. He also speaks respectfully of fellow failures at life, Harris and Klebold, whom he refers to as martyrs. NBC has taken many of the images of him posing and much like ebaumsworld does, slathered them with watermarks that proudly proclaim that they come from NBC News. Even better, NBC News made certain to interview the clerk on duty at the post office where Cho sent his package, and stated on the air that only one package was sent. No love for CNN, Fox News, CBS, or ABC.
Thus it is proven: NBC is the network of choice for insane mass murderers. lulz omg TEH PENORZZZZZ1
Cho Seung-Hui's VBlog
Kenneth Eng sends his condolences
A first-year law school student at Boalt Hall - UC-Berkeley School of Law has the honor of being the first copycat. Two days after the massacre, he posted on AutoAdmit that he just decided not to do a murder/suicide, because it was sunny and a new episode of Everybody Loves Raymond was on. However, he warned that Thursday's forecast calls for rain.
"Cho Seung-Hui - the musical"
Even though most of the public reactions after the shooting have been negative, there is a movement of emo teenagers which worships the Virginia Tech gunner like a religious martyr. They are currently working on a socially critical production called "Cho Seung-Hui - the Musical" which is based on his last words and his incredibly intellectually challenging plays. Only one song has been released to the public so far. It is named after the inscription in red ink on his arm which read "Ismail Ax". Listen to the MP3 and read the lyrics.
— The Toronto Star.com
Facebook's greatest quotes
Upon discovering this article, much drama was generated on facebook by people pretending to give a shit about Virginia Tech. Simon Feng, crying over the butthurt of ED, decided to make a topic dedicated to BRINGING ED DOWN! By the third post, people already were throwing around hurtful words like 'audacity', and a Computer Science III professional hacker almost shut down the site. EDiots zerged this topic; trolling began immediately. The link was posted on ED's main page and in the Virginia Tech article (not to be confused with Technical virgin), to make sure to bump the topic so it'd always be on top of the group's discussion, thereby creating an endless well of lulzy Internet drama. From this well was drunk some of facebook's greatest Internet quotes, said by people who have no fucking clue how the Internet really works.
Of course, there are plenty of other great quotes from facebook. These are just some from the first few pages. If you come across anything good, or anything at all that mentions the FBI, feel free to post it here to share your lulz with the community.
Facebook memorial dramaz
A makeshift e-memorial was created on facebook shortly after the chink zerg rushed his school, which was subsequently trolled to death by crack ED operatives. Naturally, it was only a matter of time before the Internet Detectives there discovered this article, resulting in a massive flood of Butthurt and Internet tough guy syndrome. The admin of the facebook group has removed the discussion board, and "TAKEN ACTION AND MADE SOME MODIFICATIONS" (from the group's description). DRAMA LLAMA WINS AGAIN LOL
Student shows his true emotion in school
When one student from Schitmont High School learned of the tragic event last Thursday, he could not help but laugh his ass off. To express his feelings, he made a shirt, bearing the words "V-Tech just got pwned lol >.< XD". On the bottom of the shirt was a depiction of the massacre, where at least 100 noobs lay on the ground. Cho victoriously says "I R cooreen lol", and "wheres my GF.". Not shown on the back are the words "This didn't have to happen lol".
This student felt the urge to show his feelings to everyone at school. The following day, this student was reported to have arrived at the school wearing said shirt, allowing for instantaneous self pwnage. The shirt was confiscated, and the student was forced to listen to
10 over 9000 different people ask him "Why did you make this shirt?", to which he replied: "I did it for the lulz.".
Morale of the story: What happens in ED, stays in ED. Or not.
VTECH 2: Irony Pwnage
The first sequel to VTECH was Cho 2: Return of Cho used found footage from when a kid left V-Tech because he was so traumatized by the shootings. He then died in a car crash. Cho's Ghost: 1, Hokies: -33 
Cho 3: Attacks From Beyond the Grave
On August 19th, 2007, the day the memorial to V-tech was supposed to be dedicated, Cho decided to claw his way out of the fiery pits of Hell, and strike once more. Sunday morning, a carbon monoxide leak broke out in a random off-site apartment complex, almost raping over 30+ students. Sadly, so far, no one has been killed in this second wave, and the most that may potentially die are two people, most likely no good, filthy smokers.
It's now being heavily debated whether or not this return was epic failure, or a warning for things to come. Since Cho is asian, it's most likely the latter, since Asians rarely fail at anything; except the Internet.
CHO 4: Getting Some "Head"
In apparent possession of another Azn student; Cho once again came back from the grave for extra lulz. This time as Haiyang Zhu, a graduate student, to claim his 35th victim from the school, which somehow puts him 36-0 for the spree (the 33rd being himself pwned).
This time, he decided to decapitate one of his fellow azns, thus cementing VTech's reputation as the place where azns go to die. According to other students, Zhu and his victim, Yang Xin, were seen at a coffee shop shortly beforehand having a pleasant conversation, undoubtedly in their moon language. This seems to indicate that Zhu was just doing it for the lulz. Either that or he found that it was the only way he could get the victim to suck his nearly non-existant azn pen0r. Regardless, Zhu (aka Cho) pulled out an azn sword mid-conversation and chopped Xin's head off, then held her head in his hand until the cops showed up.
CHO 3 Part II: Attacks from Beyond The Grave Part 2
Last Thursday, Cho once again was called back to life to strike down two more students, bringing the total kill count at 38.
A few months after possessing fellow AZN Zhu Haiyang, Cho transferred his soul,or what ever an azn has, to VTech student David Metzler's AZNmobile and drove the unsuspecting Sophomore and VTech Freshman Heidi Childs to a known make-out spot in Jefferson National Forrest, where he morphed back into human shape and pwned them both in one of the harshest cockblocks eva.
November 5, 2009, it was announced that Cho had now left the Virginia Tech/Blacksburg area and came back to possess Malik Nadal Hasan who graduated from Virginia Tech. He possessed him until he went batshit insane for Allah shot up 13 people and injured many more on
America's The largest military Base in the world in none other than Texas, and Survived after using Last Stand to cap the bitch cop that took him down.
Or simply called Azns on Ice, it was announced that December 8, 2011, Cho's soul found another host, and killed 2 more people, one of them a cop. He has not been found. Current killcount on Campus: 40
Was allegedly a remake of the original 2007 movie where the setting was changed to an Aurora,Colorado movie theater premiering the box office hit Dark Knight Rises 3D resulting in 12 more off campus deaths this time by the visibly possessed Joker. The remake failed to claim more lives than Cho's previous attempt but nonetheless after again using Last Stand to survive only to leave him to get raepd in prisonz.
Cho 7: Live to Fight Another Day in 2D and 3D Blu Ray Next Fall
On December 14th, 2012 Cho returned to his humble beginnings and killed 27 innocents in Connecticut. This by far is now the largest killstreak on COD has ever had. The final toll stands at around 80 but sure to be ever climbing.
Return of Cho
For many years, Cho had been tormented in hell by the many victims he had claimed with him. Satan agreed to allow him to return to the Earth once more in order to claim one more victim as a way to end his pain. In the fall of 2015, Cho returned to campus as white freshman David Eisenhauer and began stalking his next target online. He found a willing 13 year old girl whom he then sacrificed in the name of Baphomet in January 2016. However Cho was arrested before he could escape and is likely to be held in jail for the rest of his life, trapped in the body of a white man.
VTech Halloween costume
Best. Costume. EVAR. Also proof that VTech = Tits. The moar you know.
A female student enrolled at Vtech during the massacre was also a student enrolled at Columbine during the shootings there. She is to be awarded an honorary Ph.D in ducking.
Virginia Tech is racist
The great April 16 memorial at Virginia Tech has a stone for each victim. However, the school clearly shows that it hates ricers by not making a stone for Cho, whom without, no one would have got a stone.
*Chan's interpretations of the event
- Aurora Theatre Shooting
- Binghampton Tet Offensive
- Charles Whitman
- Cho Seung-Hui - The hero.
- Fort Hood
- Jack Thompson
- Mark Essex
- Port Arthur massacre
- Pulse Nightclub Massacre
- Robert Hawkins
- Sandy Hook
- Victim complex
- VTEC Just Kicked In Yo
- V-tech Rampage - The game.
- V-Tech Rampage: The Game
- shellzvt, Ryan Clark college webshots account
- wired.com blogs the drama
- nazi stormfront.org covers the crazy 8znsanity
- Cho Seung-Hui's Plays
- Kotaku covers Jack fucking Thompson rants about VT massacre
- CONFIRMED to be his ex's myspace currently being v& by /b/
- Jews did VTech Massacre
- VTech memorial group cowboydan just happened to notice didn't have an admin. Feel free to frend him and get officer positions.
Virginia Tech Massacre is related to a series on AZNS.
Virginia Tech Massacre is part of a series on Education
[Go To School]
Virginia Tech Massacre is part of a series on ED5 Pollfest Top 16.
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|Featured article April 16, 2007|
|Virginia Tech Massacre||Succeeded by|
|Article of the Nao April 29, 2011|
Internet Tough Guy
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