Valve

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Valve Corporation
Meanwhile at valve software.gif
Founded 1996
Founder(s) Gabe Newell and Mike Harrington
Website www.valvesoftware.com

Valve Corporation (commonly refereed to as Valve) is an American aggregation of life-sucking parasites brought together under the appearance of a company, a popular video game developer, known for their lack of morals and inexhaustible apathy towards their own community. The company's CEO is an infamous gluttonous abomination, that hates the games his own corporation promotes. His infamy rose from a constant habit of deceiving and disappointing the company's fanbase by vowing false promises while at the same time mocking it nonchalantly, using his nonsensical two-bit prestige, as an excuse for late releases. The only reason the company survived the last decade is because of their digital dictatorship system, Steam.

Their most famous releases are stolen mods, developed for other games, since embezzling fruitful concepts on a bullshit pretence is easier than making a game from scratch. Valve's all-time strategy was to locate and convince the original creator(s) of the mods, to sell their soul, work and talent in exchange for false promises and esteem. Since the main goal of the company always was to make money and worship it's CEO, the ghoulish husks that work at Valve turned their attention on the gullible mind controlled fans, who were always sitting ducks, ripe for harvest and constantly at their disposal. Still believing that their company cares about them, their followers gladly accepted any discomfort from Valve. At one point in time, the firm discovered the free-to-play deceit model, that Jews implemented in MMORPG games. Since the only activity that Gabe Newell ever conducted, besides eating his own development crew, was playing does festering feces. The games that got sucked into the make believe free-to-play agenda, were ultimately turned into a source of steady income, since nerds love buying pixels to decorate their alter-egos.

Contents

Source (game engine)

The Source engine in a nutshell.

Source is the third reason why Valve is a well known pig den, besides Steam and Gabe Newell's quad chins. It was released in 2004 with Counter-Strike Sauce and Half-Life 2. From that point in time, all future Valve releases were based on the engine. Over the years, Source was updated repeatedly without any significant improvements, besides a HDR support or certain game performances.

The source engine always feels like the same mundane heap of manure, horribly sluggish and awful to control. The only exception is when an actual game developer team sits at it for several years with millions of dollars as backup money. The engine is atrocious for modding, ironically that should have been its forte. Unlike the mods that spawned from Half-Life 1, a big percentage of the released Half-Life 2 mods are complete garbage.

Source is a very outdated engine, since for example, graphical speaking, a new game from Valve on "Ultra High" settings looks like Crysis on low settings. However, the only good thing about the engine is that very few game developers intend to use it.

Games

  • Half-Life - The game that started it all based on a mute autistic scientist that got his degree on the internet, who miserably fails in a secret research facility to press a button, and goes berserk with his trusty crowbar, murdering numerous aliens and human beings in a series of underground bunkers, before killing a huge alien space baby.
  • Counter-Strike - An old first-person shooter game where a team of counter-terrorists must defuse a bomb, or rescue hostages while fighting terrorists. Everyone who plays this is retarded.
  • Dota 2 - A remake of DotA, where everything is pretty, you start a game, get owned and told to kill yourself by your teammates while getting lynched by a moronic report system.
  • Half-Life 2 - You wake up 20 years later, where another bunch of aliens have took over your planet. Now you have to kill everything, again.
  • Left 4 Dead - Four player survival-horror zombie game starring Epic Beard Man, a hater, a 16-year old girl, and a nigger. Sequel stars Uncle Phil, Nicholas Cage, a negress and a redneck.
  • Portal - The game with the cake and the murderous AI.
  • Portal 2 - The sequel with the stupid, poshfag British ball that never shuts up and betrays you at the end.
  • Team Fortress 2 - A hat-simulator played by 12 year old faggots.

Progress on Half-Life 2: Episode 3

Pretty much.
Meanwhile at Valve...

Previous Video  |  Next Video

That is all they've managed to do in 4 years. Now just wait 400 more, and they'll be done with the main menu.

See Also

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