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Thou shalt have no other gods before me!
Valve Corporation
Meanwhile at valve software.gif
Founded 1996
Founder(s) Gabe Newell and Mike Harrington

Valve Corporation (commonly refereed to as Valve) is an American aggregation of life-sucking parasites brought together under the appearance of a company, a popular video game developer, known for their lack of morals and inexhaustible apathy towards their own community. The company's CEO is an infamous gluttonous abomination, that hates the games his own corporation promotes. His infamy rose from a constant habit of deceiving and disappointing the company's fanbase by vowing false promises while at the same time mocking it nonchalantly, using his nonsensical two-bit prestige, as an excuse for late releases. The only reason the company survived the last decade is because of their digital dictatorship system, Steam.

Their most famous releases are stolen mods developed for other games, since embezzling fruitful concepts on a bullshit pretence is easier than making a game from scratch. Valve's all-time strategy was to locate and convince the original creator(s) of the mods, to sell their soul, work and talent in exchange for false promises and esteem. Since the main goal of the company always was to make money and worship its CEO, the ghoulish husks that work at Valve turned their attention on the gullible mind controlled fans, who are always sitting ducks, ripe for harvest and constantly at their disposal. Still believing that their company cares about them, their followers gladly accept any discomfort from Valve. At one point in time, the firm discovered the free-to-play deceit model, that Jews implemented in MMORPG games. Since the only activity that Gabe Newell ever conducted, besides eating his own development crew, was playing does festering feces. The games that got sucked into the make believe free-to-play agenda, were ultimately turned into a source of steady income, since nerds love buying pixels to decorate their alter-egos.

At this rate I'm starting to think Valve is actually just fucking with us.


—Valve fanboy finally realizing the obvious.

Valve's totalitarian regime

Valve is watching!

Everyone knows Valve is the good guy. No one in their right mind could call Valve evil.


—Yes, because when something needs to say its not evil, its definitely not evil.

Over the years, Valve Corporation managed to engulf itself in a thick layer of hazy ambiguity in order to mask its wrongdoings and numerous economical and social exploitations of its customer base, taking baby-steps in order to hide their schemes from the perception of an ordinary person.

Over-analyzing their company policies, marketing strategies, secretive sale figures, regional price inequality, apathetic and limited customer support, digital dictatorship platform, digital rights management, zombified customer base, soulless personnel or their tyrant of a ruler, you can quickly notice a repeatable pattern that pops up in your head every time you reevaluate the research. Valve is by all means the epitome of greed, deceit and evil. Their schemes managed to brainwash and control their target audience over the years without opposition and successfully build an enduring indelible tumor. Just like a parasite finding a new host, the gullible simpletons that swallowed their lies got sucked into their corporate machine. Like a plague, Valve is indeed a shadow that consumed the feeble minded with swiftness and ease, a thing that would make even the most accomplished of the Jews to shiver in respect.

To this day and age, you could compare it to a religion, since in the modern age the next logical step in the creation of a cult is this one. What does Valve and religion have in common? A centralized seat of power, leader(s), mindless drones following and worshiping it, a steady income based on the aforementioned mindless drones, influence in the real world, influence in history, apologists that blindly defend it, fanatic preachers, unwarranted media praise, total control and power over their followers, it's based on lies, deceit and secrecy etc.

Some argue, that Valve isn't evil because its behaving like an efficient corporation. With that logic Nazism wasn't evil because it was behaving like an efficient ideology. Over the years Valve managed to slowly build a monopoly over the digital distribution of video games and maybe in the future, even software. Using processes like Greenlight and Early Access, they are not only controlling indie game developers but also unfinished games. With these two systems, Valve is no longer required to vouch for the quality of products, they just lay back and collect the market share while ignoring everything else. Also indie developers are now forced to either accept Steam as their lord and savior or risk swimming against the current. Valve has the power to remove, reject and blacklist your services if you dare to oppose them in any shape or form, in some cases they will do so just because they feel like it, making it nearly impossible to make a living without Steam. They also force you to sign a non-disclosure agreement in case you want to spill the beans on their sale figures. It's not only indie game developers that want to escape the clutches of Steam, triple A game developers and publishers like Ubisoft and EA tried to build and popularize their own digital distribution platforms, refusing to list their upcoming releases on Steam. In the end, all of their releases later appeared on the platform, proving yet again, that all roads lead to Steam.

Valve controls even the products you already own. By their own policy, you are not buying their products, you're renting them. You would think by paying for a product, you should legally own it. Well guess what? Though luck. You don't own it and you can't share it. Besides, Steam is at its core, a game registration system, a system to verify if you bought a legitimate copy of a product. This without disregarding forced automatic updates that would be handled through the developers website, where you could decide when to download and install a patch. Even after the registration of the product was concluded, the Steam client must always be running in order to use your product, even if the product doesn't require an internet connection. This system forces people to completely rely on Steam. There's also regional price inequality, where products cost more in Europe and Australia for no apparent reason. After people started buying products and gifting them to themselves or to each other, Valve decided to region-lock products, thus preventing people from different continents to exchange products. So there's a system that controls your property, forces upon you unwanted things and is always watching you. Ring any bells? If they can apply this kind of control over its users what would stop them to create new policies like a subscription based model for their products? Also what will happen with your products if the company goes bankrupt? What happens with your products if you or Valve have connection problems, there is a bug in the system or the system gets hacked? Ah that's right, an apology letter from its CEO.

The company has the power to cancel your account or any other services at any time. If your account is cancelled for whatever reason, you will get no refunds for any of the owned products. In the case that you disagree with their Terms and Conditions, your only line of defense is to promptly fuck off and lose all access to your products. Steam does not only run your products, it also has the power to regularly scan your machine's hardware and software. Then Valve sells this data, which apparently has market value, without paying you a cent. They do not say what data is being gathered and you don't know what personal data of yours ends up on their servers.

Does anyone remember mods? The free license software that is for everyone? If someones makes the mistake of publishing their mods on Steam, on the Steam forums, cloud-service or in-game communication platform, they lose all their rights to the mod and the software becomes property of Valve. In other words, Valve has the right to use, reproduce, modify, create derivative works from, distribute, transmit, broadcast, and otherwise communicate, and publicly display your mod, without the obligation to pay or even mention that you're the original creator. Basically stealing mods, something they have done from the start. The newly added feature to Steam allows mod developers to charge money, ask for donations or continuing making their mod(s) free. This without taking in consideration the future outrageous prices developers will ask for their creations, people trying to sell somebody else's content, mod piracy that wouldn't have existed otherwise and the horrendous future copyright issues that will emerge from this new clusterfuck. Assuming that mod creators want to opt-out from this gimmick and remove their paid content from Steam, they will be surprised when Valve won't do that unless legally compelled to do so, in other words mod creators can't dictate what happens with their own creations once their concept gets sucked into the corporate womb. The idea of a donation option is commendable, but monetizing something that was previously free, where more than half of the money will end up in Valve's pocket is beyond greedy and malevolent, but who's surprised?

Ultimately you're willingly taking part in a system that controls and watches you, and if anything goes wrong, you have zero rights. Valve and Steam are not hated because they reap the rewards of their original innovation, they are hated for their tyrannical ways of subduing software developers, consumers and the market. In the end, the brainwashed imbeciles that worship the company will always find an excuse for Valve's tainted immorality that's infected with cupidity and egoism, concealed under the fabrication that the corporation is actually doing all these things for our benefit and for the greater good. Which only a complete moron would believe.

Valve is the cancer killing PC gaming, I never thought they would stoop this low, lower than EA and Ubisoft combined.


—Concerned citizen speaking the truth.


The above statements can be verified by reading the Steam subscriber agreement and the Valve privacy policy.

Into the bowels of the machine

Valve's management team.

Diving deep into the bowels of the corporate machine, we discover that Valve is running like any other big corporation, on the misery and horror of their employees, but on a completely different level. If you think their greed stops at their front doors, think again. Valve, like many other companies, adopted an open plan architectural design for their buildings in order to increase the productivity and interactions of their workers but in reality they just wanted to minimize the construction cost of individual offices. If it's not a completely open space, it's a small crowded cabal room, where people are crammed in together like sardines, the only difference here is that no one will try to gas them. These areas do not only force their hirelings in a constant state of stress and discomfort, but ironically it also greatly reduces their job performance and interpersonal collaborations, like many psychological studies show. On the other hand, does Valve give a shit? Not really. Because of these factors, the employees that should work in a team actually develop secretive competitive hostility against one other in order to climb the stack rank ladders, so these collaborative relationships lose all of their fucking meaning.

Just like panopticon prisons, the main purpose of these office spaces is to easily control and scrutinize the poor suckers that happen to work there, who slowly lose their marbles and eventually develop paranoia. They rob the employee of the most basic needs like privacy, calmness, satisfaction, composure, motivation and much more. Most of the time workers are troubled by other distractions, constantly interrupted and annoyed, they can't have private conversations and most of the time the cabal rooms are polluted with excessive blabber where everyone is trying to cover the other person. Their desks are squeezed in so tightly that you could confuse the rooms with furniture waste dumps. Workers are susceptible to bad lighting and irregular temperatures that they can't adjust. They are always exposed to one another, risking a high chance of animosity and diseases. Besides these and many more other negative aspects of open office slave pens, employees are subject to the circle-jerking that is present in the lifeless management structure. This minority of overseers formed and led an inquisition against the commoners who are deemed unworthy to work at Valve, some labeled as "trouble makers" for trying to make a difference, which is unacceptable at Valve. You don't want someone to spark a hint of hope in the hearts of your peons. In truth the reason for these persecutions is fear. Fear that their tight management circle my get contaminated with new blood, something that the soulless husk that work there loath with all their essence, or better yet, lack thereof.

After a while I realized Valve's "Cabal rooms" resembled panopticon prisons.


—Former Valve employee, Rich Geldreich

Valve's cabal rooms.

Source (game engine)

The Source engine in a nutshell.

Source is the third reason why Valve is a well known pig den, besides Steam and Gabe Newell's quad chins. It was released in 2004 with Counter-Strike Sauce and Half-Life 2. From that point in time, all future Valve releases were based on the engine. Over the years, Source was updated repeatedly without any significant improvements, besides a HDR support or certain game performances.

The Source engine, incredible overrated, always feels like the same mundane heap of manure, horribly sluggish and awful to control. The Source SDK, the software development kit compiled by Valve is the buggiest dev kit you could find. Besides the fact that it's always outdated and dilapidated, it's difficult to use, even by the standards of the most proficient of the neckbeards. The only exception is when an actual game developer team sits at it for several years with millions of dollars as backup money. The engine is atrocious for modding, ironically that should have been its forte. Unlike the mods that spawned from Half-Life 1, a big percentage of the released Half-Life 2 mods are complete garbage.

Source is a very outdated engine, since for example, graphical speaking, a new game from Valve on "Ultra High" settings looks like Crysis on low settings. However, the only good thing about the engine is that very few game developers intend to use it.

Personally, speaking as someone who has worked on multiple Source SDK mods since 2005, I would stay as far away from Source as possible. It simply feels as if they do not care about their free tools anymore.


— Valve not caring about anything? Preposterous!


But the gameplay needs to be more fair and balanced.
  • Half-Life and its addons - The game that started it all. Based on a mute autistic scientist that got his degree on the internet, who miserably fails in a secret research facility to press a button, and goes berserk with his trusty crowbar, murdering numerous aliens and human beings in a series of underground bunkers, before killing a huge alien space baby. Spawned a shit-ton of mods that all have died and vanished by now.
  • Half-Life 2 + Episode 1 & 2 - You wake up 20 years later, where another bunch of aliens have took over your planet. Now you have to kill everything again, but this time with crappy guns, while being forced to listen to scripted sequences, which will bore you to death.
  • Half-Life 3 (Episode 3) - They used to laugh at Duke Nukem Forever, but atleast that one came out in the end. This will never come out, atleast not with the current way Valve is being run.
  • Counter-Strike - The first popular Half-Life mod that was bought up by Valve, which gets revamped every now and then with a new sequel, because the kiddies just can't get enough of using wallhacks and aimbots. Cheaters are the number one income source of this game, srsly.
  • Day of Defeat - Another mod that was bought up by Valve. Unlike CS however, they first stripped everything good the mod had off it, then the proceeded to dumb it down, add horrible sound effects, horrible maps, horrible visuals, Britbongs and other useless things like a pitbull mascot. People still played that shit. Then Volvo decided that Day of Defeat could be used for testing HDR graphic settings. They created DoD: Source, then forgot to patch several guns, maps, weapons and more content and left it to rot and die. In the end it was nothing more than a fancy graphics demo.
  • Dota 2 - A remake of DotA, where everything is pretty, you start a game, get owned and told to kill yourself by your teammates while getting lynched by a moronic report system.
  • DotA Underlords - Auto Chess, the cancer that plays itself, copied by Valve. It originated from the DotA 2 mod of the same name. Every single company is now trying to copy & paste their own version of Auto Chess. The only thing you do in this game is to collect heroes / cards, stack them, let them fight and see who wins. It was made for people that are even too fucking stupid to play any A.S.S.F.A.G.G.O.T.S. (aka MOBA) games. Imagine the irony, DotA spawned from WarCraft III and ruined the future of real-time strategy games forever and now it's the MOBA's turn to get fucked.
  • Left 4 Dead - Four player survival-horror zombie game starring Epic Beard Man, a hater, a 16-year old girl, and a nigger.
  • Left 4 Dead 2 - A sequel nobody asked for, that stars Uncle Phil, Nicholas Cage, a ugly, unfunny negress and a redneck.
  • Gunman Chronicles - Space cowboys n' stuff. A retail mod that Valve gives absolutely no shit about and won't bring to Steam, ever.
  • Ricochet - I'd rather have ass cancer than to start this up again.
  • Portal - The game with the cake and the murderous AI. Praised by people who hate videogames.
  • Portal 2 - The sequel with the stupid, poshfag British ball that never shuts up and betrays you 1/4 through the game.
  • Team Fortress Classic - The game nobody liked or played, because there were better mods, until TF2 arrived.
  • Team Fortress 2 - A hat-simulator played by 12 year old faggots.
  • Alien Swarm - A combination of a 10 year-old tournyfag game no one has heard of, and Left 4 Dead except you kill aliens.
  • Artifact - Valve's point of no return. A really shitty Hearthstone rip-off that's so bad, so absolutely unwanted, unneeded and hated that it does not even have its own article. Half-Life 3 died for this... probably ... I mean it was never alive in the first place.

Progress on Half-Life 3

Meanwhile at Valve...
Pretty much.

See Also

  • Gabe Newell - The only person capable of holding that gigantic mess of a company together. Even Valve employees agree.
  • Steam - The only reason Valve hasn't gone bankrupt.
  • Steam Users' Forums - Where free speech is banned.
  • Source Filmmaker - A free animation tool that Valve made so their fanboys can make TF2 porn.
  • EA - The cancer of gaming. Literally.
  • Activision - The jews of gaming.
  • PC Gaming - It's dead, Jim.
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