- Were you looking for Twilight? If so,
Vampires, like Dragons, used to be badass but have been raped in the ass so many times by furfags, Otherkin, and story writers that they are no longer recognizable as the mountains of awesome that they once were.
In Storytown Village, vampires are lithe, seductive, hypnotic creatures of the night who revel in bacchanalian pleasure-seeking and live wild and erotic unlives, who actually used to be cool. In Reality: clumsy, fat, socially inept, sartorially blinded fuck-ups that are so pathetic even the goths won't hang out with them anymore, who were never cool. Vampires are social rejects bent on acquiring AIDS from licking the blood off their 'victims' fingers in an odd, retarded expression of a fetish (which they claim isn't a fetish).
They try their best to mimic their mythological counter-parts; whether by slathering themselves in white make-up, wearing fake-fangs to "feel their Inner Predator" or by actually drinking blood, depending on the level of retardedness of the individual. Either way, they are a great source of epic lulz as their general lack of social skills lend them to be rather oblivious and egotistical.
- 1 Vampire Novels/Films/TV Shows
- 2 The Loli Vampire
- 3 Why People End Up Pretending
- 4 Terminology
- 5 Types
- 6 New World Order
- 7 Law
- 8 Invading the Mainstream
- 9 A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries
- 10 Community
- 11 Not quite as cool as The Number 42
- 12 Medical Testing
- 13 If High School vampires are as they say and just another clique with their own rules
- 14 Pranks/lulz
- 15 Gallery
- 16 See Also
- 17 As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links
Vampire Novels/Films/TV Shows
Vampires were once cool, and got to have books written about them which covered meaningful philosophical topics and weren't written by sexually confused women. Today, there are no good vampire novels. The only half-good vampires novel written in the past 75 years have both been written by men - McLendon's Syndrome, and Let the Right One In. The only thing worse than modern vampire stories written by women is vampire stories written by gay men.
All modern vampire stories are written by hacks as transparent sexual fantasies. All 'good' vampires, even ones from ancient European countries, are inexplicably liberal, and usually vote Democrat. Even if they don't live in America. Which totally makes sense if you're a fucktard liberal hipster with no conservative friends and an inflated sense of self-importance combined with no grasp of history.
The Loli Vampire
It might have been when Animu artists first laid eyes on a young Kirstin Dunst playing Claudia in Interview With A Vampire and Brad Pitt inspiring them with the all too many make out sessions between him and Anne Rice's underaged, female contribution to the lore but for whatever reason the Japanese and pedophiles across the world were hooked by the idea of what externally looks like a sexually agressive child but is in reality a socially acceptable, well experienced, 300 year old adult that is inconveniently trapped, or if you're a fan of this niche, giftwrapped in the body of a child.
One of the more famous recuring themes of this character is with their introduction be it anime, movies, comics or novel. The loli vampire is first shown as an innocent child. The more cliche the better like an oversized lollypop and a babydoll dress or having them playing on the swings at a park. Somewhere a need will arise where an adult character will need to do something that can be construed as sexual, Such as in Dance in the Vampire Bund, the loli vampire runs into the shadows, strips naked and then demands that one of the characters rub a magical sunscreen all over her body so she can survive in the sun. When the person they propositioned becomes embaressed, the loli goes on to tell them they are hundreds of years old and are more sexually experienced then they are.
The Loli Vampire is not as popular as other vampire types because it is too often associated with pedophile fantasy in that they often have an older man that is their protector such as in Let The Right One In along with the heavy handed suggestion that their relationship might also be a sexual one.
It is too much of a niche to attract a more mainstream crowd because the loli vampire character is usually to young for viewers to relate with or envision themselves as. The loli vampire rarely focuses on the power fantasy of vampires as they are often portrayed as being weak. The loli vampire is hardly ever shown as this better of man that hunts him mercilessly but more like a child needing a parent to prepare them their meals. More importantly it is a fetish and really only popular with pedophiles and perverts that are obsessed with the idea of having sex with someone underaged and parading it around for everyone to see.
Why People End Up Pretending
"Real" vampires usually start out as complete social failures that, having somehow missed all of the usual no-ego support groups like heavy metal fandom and comic book reading, end up scrabbling around in the absolute pits of subculture hell for the first group that will accept them.
Lacking confidence in themselves but too wrapped up in teenage pseudo-nihilism (which, oddly enough, can last well into their forties) to seriously consider religion, these losers gravitate toward other emotional crutches that can promise them uniqueness and a purpose in life. Basically, these losers are pretending to be vampires, so they can feel special. (In reality, they are actually retarded jerk-offs.) Vampirism promises these outcasts a reason for never quite fitting in, by giving them unfuckwithable occult powers, so their bullies from high school will totally regret having treated them like shit because these social fuckwits have been given their fantasy by today's feel good media's need to revise history into John Hughes style stories for easy, relatable consumption such as Vlad Tepes Dracul was a beaten down nerd like them who was getting revenge on his bullies by making them ride sharpened, wooden dildos rather then being a leader who was literally stuck between a rock and hard place and used lulzy techniques like impalement as a psychological ploy against his enemies because he had neither the resources or men to defend his lands if they invaded. Unlike the otherkin, the mythical creatures that they're psychotically pretending to be are human-shaped and sexy, full of hot alluring glamor that is so darque that nobody can actually see it.
There follows a minimum of five years of flouncing around in ridiculous clothing (bought at Hot Topic), buying stupid pewter accessories and filling their bedrooms with white lace and imitation silver candelabras until one has become fully vampirique! There is an increased risk of taking up magic during this time. Many "vampires" change their names to things like "Raven Darkemoon," "Matthius BlackThorne," and "Lord Noctem Aeternus", because apparently vampires are not allowed to be called Stephanie, or Brad. Really, who could ever truly be afraid of the dark vampire Brad? Similarly, no one is afraid of someone named Matthius Blackthorne. (More like Fagius BackWhored, amirite?)
A notion which many of these individuals contract is the belief that they are not really humans, but instead some sort of superior being. They use this reasoning to justify their consumption of human blood, thinking of themselves as predators and everyone else as prey. They tend to view "mundanes" (normal sane people) as either merely food, or nigras. So if you see a vampire coming,
get to the back of the bus ridicule them as they walk past you on the way to the back of the bus, pelting them with Twinkies as they go write poetry and Twilight fanfictions, tears welling up in their eyes.
Most "vampires" eventually grow out of it and become standard goths, but the hardcore continue on into their mid-forties. No vampires older than this have ever been seen. Have they truly stopped aging, to spend eternity at the nubile young age of thirty-nine?! Or do they just kill themselves once they hit their mid-life crisis and see how they've pissed away the one chance at youth they were ever going to get? Obviously the latter.
- Awakening occurs when feeling particularly butthurt after not getting a date for the prom, or maybe having your ass handed to you by the football team and deciding to put on your sister's makeup and hiss at strangers.
- House is a show on Fox about a pill popping doctor until FOX was castrated by parent groups and sent the good doctor to rehab because drugs are bad MMMkay, completely ruining the show by destroying what was a brilliant character with a deus ex machina solution because we still feel the need to portray drugs as a dead end decision. Also another word for an individual cult. Think of them as the writers that ruined House and punch them immediatly upon introduction if you ever happen to be so unlucky.
- Vampire Hunter is every basement dweller's worst fear: someone who hunts real vampyres!!1!11 They will usually work themselves into a paranoid frenzy over speculation of whether hunters actually exist.
- Posers and Losers is an all encompassing terms for the vampire community.
- Vampire, a douche
- Vampyre, pretentious douche
- Whampyyre, a cunt
- Donor or Black Swan is someone who the vampire stalks, rapes and steals blood from.
- Blood meth, crack, cocaine, etc
- Prana, Chi, Energy, Cum, Your life force which they suck out to make you one of them.
- Mundane, a sane person
- Cattle or Food, The cock that they crave.
- Sire is one who has converted someone to vampirism, because using twelfth-century terminology and spelling makes everything real. (See also: Magick)
- Strigoi is the typical Romanian middle-aged faggoth who pretends to be a vampire to get laid by high-school rejects. All these douches have to do is google up a couple of phrases in Romanian, put on a black trench coat and they're set. Vlad Strigoii is the name of a song by Ostrogoth, the most homoerotic gothic band out there, and a bunch of authentic vampires out there have adopted the alias, thinking it to be the REAL name of the REAL Dracula. Strigoii (noun 'Strigoi' with definitive article 'i', both forms can be used in singular and in plural) is supposed to be the conglomerate of all Romanian vampires and their descendants. Whilst
realsane Romanians don't give a shit about Strigoi, view them as the equivalent of ghosts, not vampires, angsty American faggoths masturbate daily to the idea of feeding them.
- Vampire Council is the goth equivalents of David Koresh, but with herpes. Meetings are held at Denny's at 2 in the morning while drinking "only coffee, black" and making long angry stares at the wait staff.
- Vampire Elder is one who has reached the age of thirty-seven and the only REAL POWER is that they're the only one in the group who can legally buy wine coolers. Said people are never, ever employed and try to convince their impressionable fifteen-year-old "initiates" that sex with them would create a higher spiritual bond and advance their dark powers.
- OVC Online Vampire Community
- Menstrual fluid, Delicious.
- Sanguinarius. A Semenarius who is doing it wrong.
Regardless of type, vampires generally tend to regard themselves as above "normal humans". Keep this in mind when dealing with them, as they think that you are merely a mortal monkey and that they are your god. Side note: It is safe to qualify each different type into a larger encompassing specie, known as FAGGOT
- Sanguine vampires drink blood and call themselves "Sanguine" because it sounds French and therefore is more likely to attract Lestat, WHO IS A REAL PERSON AND NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY FICTIONAL. (Sanguine really means "cheerfully optimistic, hopeful, or confident".) They're easy to spot because they're always the ones drinking Clamato juice.
- Psychic vampires are too wussy to actually drink blood, they insist that they're still vampires because they suck the souls out of people. This has the advantage of allowing them to participate in a fuck-up culture without the associated risks of infection, or doing something really gross. Also allows them to dodge unpleasant questions like So how come I can still see your reflection in a mirror? or We're driving over a bridge. I thought you vampires couldn't cross running water? The claim that they drain the psychic energy of anyone around them by some mystic process is also a convenient way to explain to themselves why they are rejected socially, rather than accepting that their social skills need work and putting in the effort to change for the better, like a pinnacle of society!!
- Blackulas Can a black person be a vampire? The answer is yes if they're willing to role play that they were once a slave and belonged to a rich, white vampiric plantation owner. Really no differant than modern life except for the word vampire in it. Most tiny dicked blacks will gladly accept their once having been a slave because, unlike their white compatriots, they don't have to run around dressed like a dandy from the French Revolution and get to dress like a pimp from the 1970's so long as there is the inclusion of a cape but once again, PIMP FROM THE 1970'S.
- Aura vampires are like psychic vampires but even more full of bullshit.
- Arithmomania vampires Vampires who Obsessive-compulsively count things.
- Dio Brando, the only cool vampire. Also see Za Warudo and WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
- Dracula, What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets!
- Twihard, Either batshit insane fangirls or guys who wanted to have sex with said fangirls
For more important vampire information: 
New World Order
... Has no one told these freaks that TrueBlood isn't real?
Many vampires have learned to keep their mouth shut about their psychosis, especially if they have children. Fortunately, there are some who just don't, and they are exposed for the disease riddled psychopaths that they are.
Having your brood taken away is a commonplace thing for people in the vampire community. The likeliness is increased with every post made to a web forum, every book published and every National Geographic special one appears in.
While most of the sick fucks like to claim that Vampirism is a non-violent subculture, one has to question how non-violent people really are when they claim to desire slashing people open and drinking from their wounds.
Here are some notable crimes caused by people claiming vampirism and/or affiliation with the subculture:
- Johnathon Sharkey is in jail for threatening Dubya.
- Rudy Guede is a rare vampire blackula.
- Thomas Owen kills his parents and drinks his fathers blood.
- Old vampire dude bites and whips loli asspie.
- Kristian Allen Carl rapes a loli.
- Matthew Hardman, sanguinary schizophrenic, killed an old woman to get immortality and undead hotties.
- Some kid (Anonymous for his protection) killed his brother   for lulz and blood.
- Vampire lesbians? For added lulz, writer is batshit insane too and says women who kill people and drink their blood merely "break the mould of expected female behaviour". No, really.
- Moar vampire lesbians. Jessica Stasinowsky and Valerie Parashumti bludgeoned their loli roommate to death and allegedly drank her blood.
- Vampire lesbian in the 1990s.
- So many vampire lesbians. (In Jamaica, "vampire" has meant "lesbian" for at least thirty years---points for perceptiveness, Trenchtown!)
- Alan Menzies claimed that Akasha was going to give him immortality if he killed his best friend.
- Scott Bower and friends drank each others blood and harassed a vicar.
- The late Shane Chartres-Abbott raped a woman, drank her blood and bit her tongue off. Thankfully he was offed by a nigra.
- Manuela Ruda and her hubbie Daniel murdered an old guy and drank his blood. Kinky Germans.
Invading the Mainstream
Whether by appearences on Tyra Banks or through interviews with ABC News and The Washington Post, vampires are trying to get a foot hold in modern culture. Since by vampire I really mean schizophrenic 16 year old girls, this will likely lead to lulz and internet drama instead of blood sucking and hot vampire sex.
Don Henrie has declaired himself the leader of forcing the vampire subculture into the mainstream. He has appeared on many daytime talkshows to be ridiculed by their hosts and many documentaries that air on halloween to reinforce the stereotype that people who drink blood are escaped mental patients with poor wardrobe choices.
An episode of South Park that aired on November 19th totally raped the vampire community in the ass by stating the truth that all self-proclaimed vampires are just moronic wannabe goths who need to grow the hell up. Some "vampires" are trying to laugh it off. Douchebags like Michelle Belanger didn't understand that the show creators were being serious when the characters said that people who pretend to be vampires are retarded. Some are trying to find an alternative explanation to the episode, trying to prove that the show creators are really on their side or are somehow awestruck by vampires.
A Question that has Plagued Vampirekind for Centuries
It is theorized that they have been in existence for at least 100 years and started as an off-shoot of the Goth subculture. While the vampire community originally focused on simply making themselves look like romantic representations of child-eating zombies, things quickly shifted and got taken to a level of lulz that is typical of alienated teens and occult practitioners.
Psi-vamps: Serious fucking business
Not quite as cool as The Number 42
Though doctors and medical professionals are aware of these haematophiliacs and self-proclaimed psychic vampires, few studies have been conducted on the subject. This has resulted in the phenomena being brushed aside and being dubbed ludicrous.
This is because those supposedly afflicted with this faggotry know that they are batshit insane. They know that there is no doctor worth their degree that won't see past their bullshit, so of course they don't submit themselves for analysis. Most claim that their reasons are because of concern for their privacy, but this is obviously a lie as most of the people claiming to be approached are making their lively-hood off of duping people by regaling them with fanciful stories about their condition.
Those that have submitted to physical testing, such as Don Henrie, have only proven to the world that the culture and individuals involved are fake and only playing a part to cope with the desolate waste land that is their lives. Also on an unlulzy note, vampires are technically real. There is a disease called Porphyria where the symptoms are pale skin, receding gum line, overstimulation of hair follicles (werewolves), and a need for regular blood transfusions due to the disease affecting red blood cells. The whole garlic thing is that chemicals in garlic make the symptoms worse.
The Psychiatric Phenomena
If Renfield's syndrome is mentioned in their presence, most vampires like to counter-troll by insisting that since it isn't in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it is not a real condition, thus they aren't crazy. In the same breath they will tell you that they refuse to admit their behavior to any medical professional because they know they will be locked up. They will turn that around into them being persecuted by the hyoomans.
If High School vampires are as they say and just another clique with their own rules
Then why do they get upset when other students start a clique of Vampire Hunters and snap these little fags with a bullwhip on the ass every time they see their quarry?
Aren't they only playing by the rules of these so called vampire's own game or are we, as PC dictates, forever forced to play the role as the cattle in their fantasy because they can only get along in society when they are not expected to obey their own rules.
Vampires and Asspies.
- Anne Rice
- Rosario + vampire it has vampires
- David Gerard
- Don Henrie
- House Kheperu
- Jonathon the Impaler - can't spell
- Legacy of Kain
- Matt Crimmins
- Michelle Belanger
- Mitchell Rasansky
- Pink Spider
- Todd Hoyt
- Emo - Vampire spawnlings
- Temple of the Vampire
- Vampire Freaks
- What is a man?
As if That Wasn't Enough: External Links
- The Vampire Website Pretty much trolls itself.
- Vampire Forums Doesn't even know what 4Chan is.
- The Vampire Church Has a Comment feature, Troll at will.
- The Vampire Realm of Darkness
- Bitefight Moar liek buttfight amirite?
- Sanguinarius: The Vampire Support Page
- Drink Deeply and Dream
- SphynxCat's Real Vampires Support Page it should be noted that the admin of this particular site actually added this link herself-- presumably for the lulz. She is also one of the few featured to not call the WHAAAAAAAmbulance.
- Fuck Vampire Culture
- Traditional vampire folksong
- How to Become a Vampire
- Don Henrie
- Darkness Embraced
- House Kheperu
- House Eclipse
- Petition to stop Todd Hoyt
- Vampire Revolution They believe in hunters, chat is members-only though.
- The most accurate source yet about real vampires
- Enabling In the Vampire Community, despite being written by a self-professed "vampire", this article is fairly sane and points out everything that makes the community lulzy.
- Smoke & Mirrors. Deep and dark discussions, mostly about making drinks out of steaks. Made slightly famous by SomethingAwful
- FOX NEWS SAYS VAMPIRES ARE REAL SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
is part of a series on
|Featured article October 31, 2005|
|Featured article December 1, 2005|
|Featured article March 19, 2010|