Video Game Journalism

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Artist depiction of video game journalists in 30 years

Video game journalism is a profession populated with people who have no other marketable talent except playing video games, and a flimsy grasp of the English language. Though most of them are college dropouts; who were far too burnt out from a steady diet of weed, cheetos, and mountain dew to actually make something of themselves; a few actually hold degrees, however they're English degrees and therefore useless. They look at the hard-hitting, tireless efforts of real journalists and think to themselves, "Fuck that shit, how much free stuff can I milk from Microsoft?". This is the main reason any 20 something failure gets into game journalism, but they will constantly try to assure you they have just as much integrity as actual journalists.

Calling it journalism is almost an insult to the actual profession, as they're just as much journalists as the dirty hobo on a street corner screaming about how the lizard people are illegally tracking our teeth is a political activist. The only difference is that the hobo isn't lying to you for profit, he's just crazy.

Contents

How to join their ranks

Video game journalist Jim Sterling meets two of these extra criteria, and is thus internet famous.

Becoming a video game journalist is easy. All it requires is a narcissistic personality, absence of any form of integrity, and an ego so fragile that it makes wet toilet paper look like steel. These character traits are vital if you are to be successful. The narcissism gives you the unwavering confidence to dismiss, ban, and insult anyone who criticizes your work, the lack of integrity allows you money, free stuff, and blowjobs from game creators in exchange for positive press, and the fragile ego equips you with an unlimited reserve of butthurt to rally your zombified fans to defensive positions when someone inevitably calls you out on your bullshit.

Although not required, here are a few things which may give you a leg up over your competition.

  • Being a Social Justice Warrior (This will give you the best chance at success due to your hyper sensitivity converting into delicious clicks)
  • Having a British accent.
  • Being an attractive woman.
  • Dressing like a hipster
  • Being a fat, neck-bearded man-child.

Tools of the Trade

No matter the route you take, however, there's going to be lots of Mountain Dew involved.

If you feel you meet the above personality requirements, then the next step is acquiring the tools of the video game journalist. There are many paths of entry into this hollow shell of a profession, all of which require almost zero effort on your part.

YouTube

Experts refer to it as the PewDiePie method

Do you have a cheap camera and tripod? Do you have neither of those, but do have a crappy headset which picks up every external sound in the room; video editing software that was either free or you got off the Pirate Bay; and video capture software you barely understand how to work? Congratulations, you have everything needed to start your own series of YouTube videos! Your series should consist of 90% let's play videos where you talk nonstop, and overreact to everything that happens in game like someone just suddenly shoved a thick dick up your ass; you'll get extra followers if you fill it with nonstop YOLO references, and speak in a really annoying fake voice. Don't forget to replace all game audio with music from your favorite band, and then bitch about how unfair YouTube's content ID system is when your video gets deleted.

Although this journalist is not filming in front of a blank wall, he has compensated for it by inviting a woman with revealing cleavage to draw the attention of his virgin audience.

The other 10% of your videos should consist of re-posted, low quality game trailers you ripped from IGN, and you ranting incoherently about whatever topic has gamers butthurt that week; the incoherent ranting videos are where your available equipment comes into play.

If you have a camera then you need to make sure that every episode is filmed in a poorly lit area, in front of a wall with nothing on it, and in a room which has the acoustic echo of the Batcave; for extra quality make sure you have a noisy pet nearby. You'll need to sit as far away from the camera as possible so that you're properly framed against the vacant wall behind you, and your viewers can hear the extra noise your camera's built-in microphone picks up when they raise the volume to hear what you're saying. For best results speak as softly as you can, so all that can be heard is the creaking of your desk chair and the rumble of your air conditioner.

This level of filth should be your general goal.

Your attire for these videos is also very important. Prior to hitting record, be sure you're wearing the filthiest piece of clothing your own, and refrain from any kind of hygiene no less than 3 days before your expected recording date. Dressing your set is just as important as your attire, be sure to litter the surrounding area with old pizza boxes and empty energy drink cans; do not place anything on the wall behind you. The goal here is to connect with your viewers, who will be watching your videos from a pile of their own filth as well.

This is exactly how Zero Punctuation's Yahtzee became internet famous.
Your editing software should never look more complicated than this

In the absence of a camera you'll need to use only audio, and whatever you can lazily slap together in Windows Movie Maker. For the duration of your video you can either fill the visual void with stolen game footage from someone else on YouTube, pictures from DeviantART without asking the artist for permission, or simply say fuck it and throw up your best MS Paint drawings. The point here is to distract your viewer with enough content you had no hand in creating, so that the illusion is given that you know what you're talking about. You'll also need to have a 30 second intro which uses your favorite copyrighted music, and underlay your speech with music you ripped from a game's soundtrack.

The point here is to make sure your views can't see anything unless they manually turn your annotations off.

Once uploaded to YouTube, don't forget to fill a video's frame with annotations reminding people to like and subscribe, as well as links to your other terrible videos. You'll also need to patrol the comments under your videos for anyone smart enough to offer dissenting opinions; these people need to be dealt with using swift deletion of their comments, or flagging them for spam. Don't forget to make multiple sockpuppet account to boost your morale, and backup everything you say. If all else fails you can just turn off the comments, and avoid any negative feedback; a good excuse is to tell people you're protesting Google+, and then direct them to a sub-reddit where you wield the banhammer.


Places to be employed

See also


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Featured article July 10 and 11, 2015
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