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From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Shamwow guy has had an interesting life. It seems to alternate between fail and epic win, repeated ad infinitum, as sure as the sun rises and falls. His story will make you cry, gnash your teeth, shit bricks, every little thing you could possibly feel expressed at once. But above all, it's all for the lulz.
Shamwow is perhaps the greatest invention ever. We know this because the product is from Germany, which obviously generates nothing other than the most worthy products. Actually, to be honest, no one really cares about Shamwow. It's only popular because of a certain video featuring a dude with a headset who can't stop talking and who is trying too hard to become the next Billy Mays. Like his predecessor, if he tries hard enough, he may one day face the great Mays in an epic battle royal. Only then will we know the true winrar of crap infomercials. But this fight will only happen in the bowels of Hell. When Billy Mays died "Incidentially" because somehow his skull ran into a piece of luggage repeatedly, Vince innocently replied in one interview, before his extended trip out of the country, about how "It sure is a shame Billy had to use his favorite suitcase to kill himself"
—Israel-born Vince Schlomi expressing his love for gas chambers
Airing on television in the spring of 2008 across most of Americunt, this 2 minute-long infomercial of fail is narrated / acted / fapped to by a Bronx-accented guy named Vince, who looks and sounds strikingly similar to Scout from Team Fortress 2. He's your average, everyday cool, hip young guy with a faux hawk. Armed with a headset
(for reasons which we do not know) to hide the fact that he had a stroke, his goal in life is to sell you some Shamwow. What does it do? Watch carefully:
—Vince, on not getting what you paid for.
On March 27th, 2009, Vince Schlomi was arrested for beating the shit out of a hooker (Sasha Harris) who couldn't absorb more
guido Jew man juice than the Shamwow. For $1000, Vince was given the opportunity to make out with a hooker, have half of his tongue bitten off and then caves in the face of some AIDS infested slut. So all in all it's the most action he ever has or ever will get. What the fuck Vince was doing paying a street hooker $1,000 for straight sex in a bear market economy is another discussion entirely.
—German engineering, as told by Vince
Grammatically correct version:
Hi, it's Vince with Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time you use this towel! It's like a chamois! It's like a towel! It's like a sponge. A regular towel doesn't work wet - this works wet or dry. This is for the house, the car, the boat, the RV! Shamwow holds twenty times its weight in liquid. Look at this! It just does the work! Why do you want to work twice as hard? It doesn't drip, doesn't make a mess. You wring it out, wash it in the washing machine. It is made in Germany, you know the Germans always make good stuff. You can cut it in half, use one as a bath mat, drain your dishes with the other one, use one as a towel. Olympic divers, they use it as a towel. Look at that! Completely dry! Put a wet sweater, roll it up, it dries your sweaters. Here's some cola, wine, coffee and pet stains. Not only is the damage going to be on top - there's your mildew. That is going to smell! See that? The most absorbing. We're going to do this in real time! Look at this! Put it on the spill, turn it over! Without even putting any pressure, fifty percent of the cola right there. You follow me, camera guy? The other fifty percent, the color starts to come up. No other towel's going to do that! It acts like a vacuum! And look at this - virtually dry on the bottom! See what I'm telling you? Shamwow! You'll be saying wow every time!
How to Do a Shamwow Commercial
- Get a Bronx / Long Island accent.
- Apply gel.
- Purchase Madonna headset mic.
- "It was made in Germany". Repeat x3.
- Say "Look at this!" and "Ya follow me, camera guy?" a lot.
- You can also make political audio parodies using Offer's shtick. Here's an example: http://eipnetworks.com/scamwow.mp3
PRO TIP: Find a blue screen and a black table for a boring setting
—E-mail spam from ShamWow
My name is Vince, and I dry every single one of you. All of you are messy, sloppy, people who spend every second of their day spilling Cola, Wine, Coffee, Cola. You are German, and everyone knows the Germans make good stuff. Are you following me, camera guy?
Don't be a stranger. Just spill with your best shot. Shamwow is pretty much perfect. I wrote and directed my own movie, and I starred in it. What do you use as a jizz mop? Both Olympic divers and I use it as a towel. I can pick up almost anything with my Shamwow (Towel just wiped me up; Shit was SO cash). Shamwow can be tossed in the washing machine. Thanks for listening.
Pic Related: It's me and my Shamwow
A thorough and grueling investigation was carried out by the faithful members of Encyclopedia Dramatica to determine the effectiveness of Shamwow. The results? Shamwow sucks. For one, the product does pick up liquids, but not nearly as much as it claims (none of this twenty times bullshit). Essentially, one could use a towel and get about the same results. It is a bit more absorbent (though not as absorbent as Bounty or Brawny), but still, apply a little more pressure with a towel and you have yourself a homemade fucking Shamwow. Also, it comes with no instructions, so they don't tell you that wiping the Shamwow on a dirty shower wall will leave permanent streaks (of course if you use Shamwow to clean a mildewed shower stall, you're an idiot. CLR it).
THIS JUST IN: Wrong, You have to dampen it first, look below:
Link embedding disabled for some reason, so just click here, ya lazy bastard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IcfVrJ1H42s
In addition to being less "wow" and more "meh", the Shammeh online site has been reported of stealing people's credit card information and charging various hidden fees. Once they overcharge you, the company sends you a "gift" of more Shamwows than what you ordered as a sort of compensation. In short, you will never see your money again. Sounds more like Scamwow, amirite?
Just another case of buyer beware. YOU BUY!! YOU BUY!!'
Items missing from the package
- Open your package of Shamwow.
- Don't apply any pressure to the liquid to get up 50% of it.
- Pound the shit out of Shamwow onto the liquid to get the rest of it.
- Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead! Shamwow apply directly to the forehead!
- If you cut Shamwow once, you have two towels! Cut those towels, and you've got four! FOUR! You could have a million towels! A MILLION!
- Always wear rubber gloves when using Shamwow.
- Do not use Shamwow as a sanitary napkin.
- Shamwow has been known to cause migraines and AIDS.
- Keep out of reach from children.
- Do not taunt Shamwow.
- HI BILLY MAYS HERE!
Vince, the Shamwow guy, is actually a real person. His name is Vince Offer Shlomi (moar liek blow-me amirite?), a D-level actor trying to make it to the big time riding on Shamwow's backside. Born in Israel, His first "big break" occurred with his hit movie cleverly titled The Underground Comedy Movie. The flick depicts many nigras, fags, defecation, and is basically one big kettle of fail ready to boil over with horrid acting and overly-retarded gags, this film's only lulzy achievement is making Vince look even more like the tf2 Scout. Actually, the movie isn't that bad - it has its moments if you like to offend. But the flick was almost the financial ruin of him - lawsuits sprung up when Vince claimed the Farley Brothers stole scenes from his own shitastic film. Offer then again sued someone, this time Anna Nicole Smith, saying she breached her contract by refusing to appear on the film ftw. It all evened out.
Offer went into the sales racket soon after and began selling kitchen utensils. He auditioned for the part of the Shamwow guy after hearing about its amazing absorbency and was hired on soon after. His acting has generated both good and bad reviews. Slate.com's Seth Stevenson believes he is the son Billy Mays should have had, stating "hectoring tone... makes us feel like idiots for even entertaining the notion of not buying a Shamwow." Obviously, Stevenson is a sheep.
He looks 25 on TV, but he's actually nearly 50. See lulzy pics.
Vince Offer versus $cientology
It would seem our boy Vince would have little to do with the Scifags we've come to know and despise. But in 2004, Vince, an ex-$cientologist, sued the cult for attempting to kill off his acting career. A Scifag from 1982 until the late nineties, Vince was a mediocre member who dreamed of playing Dutch Oven with Xenu. When he began filming for his movie in 1997, the cult got wind of his offensive film and tried to sabotage it by blackballing him from some of his co-workers, who happened to be Scifags themselves, fearing it would tarnish the "pious" image of their cult. The co-workers illegally took scenes from the movie and attempted to make it look like he was trying to harm $cientology. In a court in which no evidence was provided and was run in part by a fourteen year old, Scifags found Offer guilty on all 23 accounts and labeled him as a "Type B Criminal". They kicked Vince out of their little butthurt club and Vince had to go it alone. They also apparently tried to kill him, but Vince dodged. Offer left for good once he began to understand how destructive and goatse the cult and L RON are. In the end, $cientology left him penniless and alone. But all was not lost. Once Vince saw the light, Scifags just couldn't keep him down. In 2002, he began his kitchen utensil enterprise. Once he had enough money, he used his funds to carry a successful DVD release of his movie, netting him lots of green bills. He now uses most of his money to sue or get out factual information against the $cientologists. So whenever you see a Shamwow commercial, salute the television screen and say "God speed, sweet prince." He's on our side.
Fans of Vince
— Comment by Lindsay on some shitty review site — July 19th, 2008
—Dave Navarro, perpetually shirtless Jane's Addiction guitar player
— Vince, on his latest project, the Slap-Chop
Just when it seemed like the intrepid Billy Mays wannabe that is Vince had vanished from the advertising scene, he swept back onto the internets like a retarded, overly hair-gelled dodo bird, advertising yet another wonderful product that YOU JUST CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT. The resulting video is even lulzier than the first, in which Vince vows to "make America thin again" and make everyone's life exciting. Little does he know that his audience has always been slappin their troubles away. ( Slapchop: A kitchen device for chopping nuts and other foods no one likes and make them more enjoyable. The side effects include hand aches and muttiple cuts along the fore arm as if you were in a phase of emo life. Other names include The cutting thing, Piece of SHIT, CockChop, And BlackCop. )
Hi its Vince with Slap Chop! You’re gonna be in a great mood all day cause you’re gonna be slappin your troubles with the Slap Chop. Now look here’s a potato. One slap you got big chunks for stews, two slaps home fries in a second. And now look at this when you add a mushroom you more you do it the finer it gets you don’t have to switch any blades. Now, you love salad, you hate making it. You know you hate making salads that’s why you don’t have any salad in your diet. Now watch this one slap, salad! Now I love Pizza to but once in a while get the veggies in, at least throw it on top of the pizza. You’re gonna change your eating habits. Soup, Coleslaw, stuff we want, 5 seconds. 4 or 5 seconds, its done.This thing this tuna looks boring. Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life. Add this tuna putting it in like this now you’re going to have a nice, tuna, salad. Look at this you’re gonna have an exciting life now. Look here’s a hard boiled egg. One chop, you add the pickle, you add the green onion. And what you can do is mix things together add the ham and you’re gonna love this. You don’t have time to make breakfast, breakfast to go. You’re gonna love my nuts. Watch this almonds, walnuts. Comes with a cover so you can do everything in the cover. Alright or you can do it on the board, whatever you like. So easy, one finger, if I can do it with one finger you guys can do it with your whole hand. Kids can do it. You know what they charge at the ice cream store? A dollar for toppings at the ice cream store. Add a couple cookies if you want. So you can make it for 10 cents. Stop throwing your money away. You know not only nuts what about fruit? Put a mango, look at that isn’t that beautiful on your ice cream. The reason you’re gonna slap away everyday is cause its so easy to clean. One. Two, and pops open like that like a butterfly to clean. Now these other ones you see at the stores. Bacteria gets on the food, all the stores have this. You can’t clean it! You can’t open this up its worthless! Forget about it. Now take the Slap Chop, put it back together, and you get the garlic. Now here’s the garlic, with the skin. There you go de-skins the garlic. You’re gonna eat more garlic. The onions with the skin, alright this is making you cry making me cry. Alright life’s hard enough as it is. You don’t wanna cry anymore. Put the Slap Chop right there, the skins at the bottom. And look at this you want a little bit of onions, you don’t wanna drag out the food processor. The skin, comes right off! You see that? Alright now you put a tomato in there. Add your cilantro, your hot peppers right there. You hit it like this. Guys we’re gonna make America skinny again. One slap at a time!
Now here’s the deal when you buy the Slap Chop we’re gonna give you the Graty for cheese. White cheese yellow cheese in the container. Comes with a twister, watch this tacos, frettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini. Look at that comes with two blades. Bang it. Cheese comes right out. Fine and course, Parmesan. Comes with a cover, stays sealed. Put it in the fridge, take it out when you need it. Pass it around the table. You’re gonna love this thing. The Slap Chop sells for Nineteen Ninety-Five. But if you call now, within the next twenty minutes (you know we can’t do this all day). You’re gonna get the Graty absolutely free. So that’s two for Nineteen Ninety-Five. The Slap Chop with the Graty, here’s how to order!
—Vince, on the only reason America is fat
—Vince, going too far
—Vince, displaying his thought process
—Vince, identifying fruit
—Vince, hating fatties
Slappin' your troubles away
After Vince's release from jail, he decided to slap another product in everyone's faces known as the "Schticky". Even though it looks amazing, it's just another friggen lint roller, for shame...
— Vince, referring to his bitching in prison.
A CHALLENGER APPEARS (NVM VINCE WINS WITH TECHNICAL K.O)
HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S ON NOW MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!
Jawsome Shamwow Songs
NOTICE HOW THEY HAD TO PUT THEMSELVES TOGETHER TO EVEN EQUAL HALF OF MY AWESOME BITCHIN' MANLINESS. RHETT, LINK, WATCH AND DREAM AS I PENIS DOCK WITH A GRIZZLY BEAR THAT I SKINNED WITH MY OWN TEETH. HERE'S SOME BLOOD, GUTS, MUCUS, BLOOD, SOME BEAR STAINS RIGHT THERE, NOT ONLY IS THERE DAMAGE ON TOP BUT THERE'S ITS ENTRAILS. THAT IS GONNA SMELL, SEE THAT? WE'RE GONNA DO THIS IN REAL TIME, WITHOUT EVEN PUTTING ON ANY PRESSURE THE BEAR COWERS BEFORE MY ABSORBENT ROLL. YOU FOLLOWING ME, CAMERA GUY? HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS
The New King of the Pitchmen
With Billy Mays gone, Vince plans to take his spot on Pitchmen. Here's the video proof
- Video has been removed.
After getting off the hook from beating women (a victimless crime anyway), Vince's career was believed to be absolutely shit. However, Eminem decided that his bitch beating was exactly what he needed for his new album. He hired Vince to make a parody of his own shit commercials for his new album, Recovery. This can be seen as a possible career recovery for Vince as well.
Here are some videos displaying the likeness of Vince and the Scout from Team Fortress 2:
|Shamwow Gallery||About missing Pics|
|Gallery of Vince's Whore||About missing Pics|
- Billy Mays
- Extreme Advertising
- Cillit Bang
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad -currently Shamwow's biggest customer after Vince promised him Shamwow's German technology was the best way to wipe Israel off the map.
- Only known interview with Vince
- Shamwow's site
- A review of some guy who doesn't know how to use printscreen properly
- brb, suing $cientology
- Vince's $cifag competition grades
- Moar $cifag bullshit
- Offer's illustrious movie career
- Pics of the whore after being sham-POWED!
- Moar pics of the hooker
- A challenger appears
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