From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The Commonwealth of Virginia is one of the most progressive states in the entire United States of America! Our long, illustrious history has given our state lots of time to grow and advance from the founding fathers creating the first cities of our nation, to the wonderful place it is today!
Not too long ago (by European standards) a bunch of rich white guys decided they weren't rich enough. When those crazy Spaniards discovered the Aztecs and their amazing city of gold, they thought that all of the "New World" would be just like the city of gold. That is, dripping with fucking gold and half naked, easy women.
So, all these rich white guys come over to the new world expecting to grab some gold, nail some bitches and go home only to find what every person who visits Virginia already knows: there is nothing here.
But do these guys give up? Hell no! Instead they decide to build a city in the middle of a fucking swamp, thinking that the gold has to be around here somewhere. They then were shocked all to hell when diseases borne by bad water and mosquitoes killed half the population within the first year. Almost everyone else died when winter came as the retards brought trade goods instead of seed crops and could not grow any food.
Later on, the Dutch come over with an awesome trade good: niggers! Well, rich people hate working more than they hate niggers, so they bought up a ton of niggers and put them to work. Their longstanding codes of conduct stand the test of time and are worth the read even today. With no work to do, the rich white guys did what any of us would have done: they started fucking. This would have been fine and dandy if it weren't for two problems...
- They would only fuck "fine, upstanding white Christians"
- There weren't many white people around....
When the civil war hit, this got even worse as many men and women died, further limiting the gene pool. Cousins started fucking each other with nobody else to screw, leading to the common Virginian we see today. On the bright side, all those freed slaves gave rise to the most popular southern pastime: lynching niggers!
Seeing how inbred and racist Virginia was made about half the state kind of embarrassed. I mean, they could be fucking their sisters instead of their cousins and burning the niggers after they lynched them, you know! So, back in 1862, West Virginia split away from Virginia, leading to the state you see today!
In 1914, the people of Lynchburg decided that they had had enough of the niggers and retards plaguing their state, and so decided to hold a big party, and all the "feeble-minded" people of Virginia were invited! For over 50 years, Lynchburg was the epicenter of the eugenics movement in America, sterilizing 8,300 niggers and downies over the course of its operation. Even while Uncle Addy was throwing a party of his own in Germany, the brave Virginians continued their tireless crusade against the untermenschen. This went on until 1972, when the ACLU complained enough that Virginia was forced to remove all traces of the colony and pay reparations to the sterilization victims.
In 2009, a Welsh band that nobody gives two shits about released their hit album "Journal for Plague Lovers", in which they have a song about the Lynchburg colony, creatively titled "Virginia State Epileptic Colony".
Don't even bother listening to it. It's just as shitty as you think.
State Song: Carry Me Back to Old Virginny
The song, "Carry Me Back to Old Virginny" was written in the 1800's by a minstrel playing on his banjo. In an amazing show of how far the state had come, this song was adopted as the official state song of Virginia by the General Assembly in 1940.
Carry me back to old Virginny.
There's where the cotton and corn and taters grow.
There's where the birds warble sweet in the spring-time.
There's where this old darkie's heart am long'd to go.
There's where I labored so hard for old Massa,
Day after day in the field of yellow corn;
No place on earth do I love more sincerely
Than old Virginny, the state where I was born.
Massa and Missis have long since gone before me,
Soon we will meet on that bright and golden shore.
There we'll be happy and free from all sorrow,
There's where we'll meet and we'll never part no more.
Virginia itself, with no niggers to slave in the fields (they all went to the coast) now relies on tourism for money so it now tries to milk it's ethnic heritage for all it can. This usually involves telling poor fools from other states that important things happened out here and trying to shovel them all into tourist traps along the coast.
With the rest of the world changing and Virginia staying the same, shit was bound to go bad sooner or later.
On April 16, 2007, VTech student Cho Seung-Hui shot and killed 31 of his fellow students before self-pwning. The police could not initially identify who Cho was, because he shot his own face off. The offical stance of VTech is that they do not know why Cho did this or that he was clinically insane. The truth is that he just got fed up.
Cho sat there and quietly took it like a good gook for years, taking therapy and telling himself that it would all be better when he went to college as college kids are educated, unlike those rednecks! Then he got to college and found the same cracker-ass rednecks were there along with thousands more of their hillbilly cousins from the surrounding area.
Of the students killed, only three were by accident: they were non-asshole out of state students who got in the line of fire. Afterward Cho shot himself because he knew what Southern Justice looked like.
About a year later, another guy, also non white gets to VTech, is harassed by the same rednecks who didn't learn their lesson the first time, and proceeds to shoot up the entire cafeteria, including staff. Sadly, VTech tried to cover this one up in order to make the school look "safe". As part of the coverup, Virginia has identified us as terrorists. (See page 45.)
The next generation isn't any better! In 2009 a group of high school students in Virginia were arrested and pwned by the FBI on heroin charges. Also, chances are, the rednecks still haven't learned anything....
If we wanted to hear about those, we'd ask someone with an IQ higher than their shoe size.
The Virginia of today has two regions: northern Virginia (noVa), and real Virginia.
NoVa is a vibrant melting pot of yuppie conservative voters who will all die clutching their cellphones in the next harsh winter. The people of NoVA are so afraid of snow that the smallest flake will drive them into a panic, buying everything at the local Harris Teeter only to die in a forty-car pileup as they speed home while talking on their cell phones.
The majority of these residents think that are geniuses, but in the end all sound like Dubya with a lisp. Anywhere else could call the residents of NoVa fucking morons. Unfortunately, this is Virginia where people seem to think mixing booze, mullets and farm equipment is a good idea. These pathetic examples of humanity are actually considered "smart" for Virginians. If you ever wondered why your politicians are so stupid, now you know.
- Washington DC
In real Virginia there are no towns, only rings of houses built around garbage dumps. Yeehaw! Virginia: come for the incest and stay for the pig-fucking! The twin centers of public life are the local church and the grocery store. At the church, residents learn about the hellish fate awaiting all of the heretic homosexuals and Democrats. At the grocery store, typically a Bloom's, shoppers and clerks operate at the flow rate of molasses.
The only breaks in the white trash parade are the military bases and the shitholes that surround them. The only differences between military shitholes and non-military shitholes are a bunch of tourist traps created by rednecks wanting to make a quick buck from the military bases and the poor souls unfortunate enough to be stationed there. Ignore any hype that the residents of these areas may tell you: it's all a lie made to part you from your money.
The rest of Virginia....
- Hampton Roads
PETA(banned for furryness), NATO Headquartered in Norfolk
- Michael Vick from Newport News
- Pat Robertson from Virginia Beach
- Chris-chan from Ruckersville
- Cho Seung Hui
- Gorgeous George
- Kevin Havens
- PaganDeathKnight from Roanoke.
- Jacob Sartorius
- Line Trap
- Nidal Malik Hasan
- Pinkiepony from Virginia Beach
- this guy