World War I
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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World War I was the first game of Treyach's World War Trilogy. Produced over 10 years between 1904 and 1914 as an international project by several countries, technological limitations meant the war had to be coded entirely in black and white. This was actually okay back then. The actual game opened in 1914, since it was the only game of its time with an opening cutscene (A revolutionary and radical idea) the entire world was incredibly excited to play.
Although original promotional material for WWI included the tagline "The War to End All Wars", it had severe balancing issues, which upset the players greatly, and caused the staff to close the game permanently with a treaty. WWI has since spawned several spin-offs and a sequel, World War II. A third installment is currently being developed by American, Israeli, Russian, and Iranian game designers, and is planned for release sometime in the early to mid 21st century.
Germany's national pride was tied up in its world class sausage producing industry. Some other European countries were tired of Germany's constant bragging about the quality of its sausages and decided to try to develop better ones. The competition grew fierce, and England in particular was keen to triumph. The Great Depression had led to a large surplus of unemployed people, even though the depression started 11 years after the war ended (See Haxorz), so there was ample raw material for the booming sausage industry, leading to an overwhelming British victory. Ongoing government policies since then have ensured a steady production of unemployed citizens available for sausage production, ensuring the continuity of the British sausage industry.
Besides the sausage fest between Germany and Britain, the war started when an indie band totally faked their own deaths in the fictional empire, Austria-Hungry. This band is known as Franz Ferdinand. OMG GET IT? LIKE FRANZ FERDINAND IS A BAND BUT ALSO AN ARCHDUKE HOW CLEVER!!!
Russia, before some assholes took over, and France decided that they wanted some of that world famous German sausage for themselves. Unlike it's bigger-budget sequel, WWI has failed to inspire fuckloads of FPS games, largely due to a lack of AK47s and limited Japanese and American involvement.
Causes for War
Despite the issues invovling sausage, war didn't actually break out until serbian terrorists decided to kill an Austrian Sausagemaker who had been named heir apparent if The Austro-Hungarian Empire. Although three poorly executed attempts where only not noticed by said sausagemaker because his head was so far up his own ass that he didn't notice that they threw bombs at him. Eventually Gabrillo Princip got tired of his furfag friends and decided to just shoot the fuck, but he only got the balls to do that after the heir apparent drove past the cafe where he was getting a sandwich. After he shot him he tried to eat a cyanide capsule, but the cyanide was stale so he threw up. Can you say fail? After that Austria was a ginormous dick to Serbia and the Europe, a bunch of warmongering nobles in need of a whipping, decided to start blowing each other up. Was it a War? Jews.
Unfortunately for the forces of both sides. The War suffered from severe balancing issues, mostly due to a feedback loop glitch in the Matrix which occured when the French pussies made their first huge trench to stop an awesome German sliding door attack. Which for some fucked up reason actually worked, mostly due to superior British help. The Germans, dumbfucked about what to do, decided to copy the French so they could wait for advice from idiots online about what to do (Except the interwebz wouldn't be invented for decades lol). And since the war had major bonuses for Defense due to new tech aquired from science upgrades, it made attack totally impossible and suicidal, something which the Japanese would not learn about in the sequel, which would really fuck over a lot of players in that faction. This was dubbed "Trench Warfare".
Trench Warfare, also known as Digging a Hole Warfare, was the idea that if you hid in a hole during a battle, you wouldn't get your face torn off by a cannonball or something sweet like that. It seemed like a good idea at the time. However, everyone just died in worse ways because the army leveled up and invented:
- Machine guns.
- Shitty airplanes.
- FUCKING TANKS!
- Artillery shells that explode and spray poison gas on everyone's face.
- Retarded leaders.
- Gas-masks that do nothing, but look cool.
- Blimps (somehow deadly?)
- Razors for the hairy Eurofag women.
- Sonic-Electronic Ball Breakers.
So no matter where you were, you were fucked.
Everyone dug holes anyway and nobody moved at all for at least 100 years. If anyone got out of the hole they got ripped in half by
like, 500 machine guns at once the fucking Death Star. Eventually the people who stayed put started to get sick and die because they were surrounded by corpses and shit and flesh eating rats and poison gas and mud. So again; fucked.
It was the biggest campfest of all time and as a result lead many soldiers to complain on the official forums. After thousands of threads on how unbalanced the defense/attacking was, the developers finally added tanks for the Allies, and introduced a new faction, the Americans, which promplty ended Trench warfare due to the Germans being fucked over. Many players quit because the game just became bullshit and the Allies camped Axis spawns. The Axis finally quit because they were fed up with the game, the developers needed to make more money, so they ended the game, promising a sequel featuring ragdoll physics and improved AI (except for the Jewish faction). They also would fix the balancing issue, giving Germans new tanks, and decided to switch the balance between Att/Def so anyone who made massive attacks would have momentum to totally pwn. Everyone was like "omfg we payed for this gaem.its ours.you can't do this to us.patch 1.6 didn't fix the pathfinding bug!" When asked why they did it,the developers gave a hackneyed response.
WWI's Crappy Sequel
World War II: Now with 25% more Nazis and kick-ass mustache styling.