Walmart Employee Suicide

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Walmart quickly locks down the area to cleanse it of Jew blood
Weapon of choice for Walmart Martyrs

James Swink was a Walmart employee that became an hero and martyr for Walmart after receiving numerous prank calls. James worked the in the sporting goods department of an unknown Walmart in Lewisville, TX. His last words were:

   
 
YOU THINK THIS IS FUCKING FUNNY? I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO FUCKING LAUGH ABOUT
 

 
 

—James Swink, seconds before he became an hero

At which point he dropped his phone and shot himself using a pistol from the store.

Reasons For James' Suicide

James was clearly butthurt that someone convinced him to become another An Hero faggot. James was working at Walmart for two weeks and had been receiving a lot of prank calls. His girlfriend broke up with him for being an emo homo because of the prank calls. Prior to James death, these prank phone calls agitated his manager in turn making him angry with him.

The Story

Several members of a legendary Partyvan Prank Machine decided to give a friendly call to their neighborhood Walmart Supercenter. Posing as the Walmart Regional Weapons Safety Expert in Dallas the prank caller informed James (in sporting goods) that he needs to check for a faulty firing pin in a Colt 45. James was then directed to examine the inside of the barrel with his eyeball, which causes him to become very suspicious. Suspecting foul play, James then retorts with whines and faggotry such as "Are you another fucking prank caller?" After the would-be-CEO calms James' fears, he is greeted with a tempered fit in which the employee explains that he's lost his girlfriend, his manager is bitching at him and the source of his frustration is the prank calls. Two of the other individuals on the line with the caller then began to express interest in James' views on homosexuality. James became upset and proceeds to bitch maor, then drops his phone. The call was then dropped due to Zombocom attaining peak lulz and requiring more time to plan the next stages of his plan.

Twenty minutes later another call was placed to the Walmart. This time the manager, Rick Astley, answers. The prankers then began asking him for the "downsyndrome homo from before". The manager at first refused to comment on the employee and then reveals that James had just offed himself with the very Colt 45 that he was examining for faulty firing. Rick also proclaims that he was indeed Jame's girlfriend, and that they were no strangers to love.

   
 
We're no strangers to love
 

 
 

—Rick Astley on his relationship with James

Shortly after Jame's death was announced, he was said to be an hero and Walmart martyr®.While it could have ended there, in order to legitimize the story further members anon64, Mattheas, and SoS took a trip to a local Walmart and began taking pictures, but what everyone fails to realize is that Zombocom was the only one to take pictures and subsequently handed them over.


Aftermath

After three hours of calling the Walmart, waiting for pictures of the crime scene, and a quick trip to IHOP it was eventually revealed by Mattheas that the entire thing was a troll. This way done so that Andy (the fag who thought his IP address was at risk since he aided in the suicide of the Wal-mart employee) could stop freaking out and get to sleep. This may have been one of the top ten trolls in all of history. Fellow members of Anon threatened dox against the conspirators if it was troll, but the end result was Zombocom giving Mattheas a higher oper status in the prank IRC channel, even though Zombocom did everything in the prank. Anon64 was given nothing, because Zombocom did everything in the prank.


Trolls Involved

  • Mattheas: Pranker
  • core: persuaded members of authenticity and helped develop story
  • anon64: played as James, the Walmart Employee
  • SoS: played as Rick, the Walmart Manager

Inconsistencies

  • Wal-Mart hasn't offered handguns for sale in years.
  • Wal-mart doesn't carry Colt .45's, only Colt .35's
  • A key was retrieved without Wal-mart Manager supervision (because they're fucking experts on everything weaponry and locks)
  • The number which the prankers called was said to be a divisional number but was actually a cell number out of Dallas, TX
  • The "crime scene tape" was actually "caution tape" for floors being shined
  • The "crime scene" was actually the toy section, not the sporting goods section where the guns are.
  • Zombocom actually lives on the West Coast, but the likes of which Zombocom trolls surpasses that of any other troll in the history of trolls. He could have easily been in Texas that night, and had this troll planned for weeks.

See Also


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