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The War of Northern Aggression
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Also referred to as "The Great Unpleasantness", the War of Northern Aggression occurred at least 100 years ago between the North and South of the United States. Many, many people died, and they did so for one reason (contrary to common knowledge): E-points. It is a great source of drama for many people in the South who still can't believe they lost, and gets great lulz from historians who debate endlessly about the causes of the war and the minutiæ of the battles and battlefields of the war.
Some people are into a form of cosplay where they dress up like soldiers and "re-enact" the war. They're not quite as bad as furries, but it's still pretty disturbing.
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The Players
The war had a number of important figures on both sides.
The North
- Abraham Lincoln was the President. He was so divisive that, upon election, half the country jumped ship. Many conservatives wished the same after re-electing George W. Bush, but to no avail. Lincoln was best known, however, for his enormous shits. These large fecal presents were called "Lincoln Logs" by his detractors, and, today, 13-year-old boys play with them. Lincoln is also known for his famous battleform, Abraham Kingkong. In addition to being a hero to yankees, Lincoln was also a visonary to see that niggers could never be equal to whites and should therefore be sent back to Africa. In spite of his foresight he missed the fact that the Union would have been better without the White Southerners altogether.
- Ulysses S. Grant won a spelling bee in third grade after correctly spelling his name. In celebration, he went on a bender with some hookers and blow, and dropped out. Lincoln, impressed by this ability to party hard, made him the general of the Union army following the South's departure.
- George McClellan was another Union groupie. He sucked many a cock to get to his position as a general in the Union army.
- William Tecumseh Sherman was a batshit ginger who burned Atlanta and started the first Freaknick. Sherman was responsible for singlehandedly spreading ruin throughout much of the South, a fact which most Southerners are still really fucking bitter about.
- George Meade was the pussy bitch general at Gettysburg. By winning Gettysburg by sitting on his ass atop some gay hill, he proceeded to get his shit ruined by a weak Robert E. Lee while Lee was retreating across the stream of piss called the Potomac. Eventually he became the subordinate of Grant, who used him solely for BDSM adventures during the overland campaign.
- Denzel Washington was the result of affirmative action and the deepest ass pounding Abraham Lincoln ever received. Unfortunately, monkeys can't use guns and he was an utter failure as a soldier so his good friend, Michael Jordan, suggested that he act in gay pornos. A year later, Spike Lee's Malcolm X was released. Noone knows the whereabouts of copies of Malcolm I through Malcolm IX.
- John Brown was a wannabe IRL /i/nsurgent who tried to troll the south by leading a nigras uprising which would close the pool permanently. He failed epicly and was pwnd by the man. He then became an hero.
The South
- Jefferson Davis is the hero of the Confederacy. Born to a rich and beautiful family, he grew up with all of life's luxuries and at least 20% of the South's slaves. Upon seceding from the United States, the South elected him the President of the Confederate States of America. This caused a lot of drama with his homosexual college buddy, Lincoln, and honest Abe responded by driving his ship into Sumter's Fort.
- Robert E. Lee was the Confederate general. He was colorblind, so he ended up calling many white people racist names. He enjoyed poetry and sending thousands of people to die for a noble cause.
- Stonewall Jackson was a batshit Christian fundamentalist who earned his nickname through his ability to stay hard whether or not he was in battle or engaged in multiple rounds of buttsecks. Later, faggots would admire this ability, so they named some bar where they staged a gay rally or some shit after him. Got pwned by his own troops.
- Slaves were a favorite of the South. Slaves loved working for their kind Southern masters, and were rewarded with food rations. One day, the North said, "No more slavery," and the black folk who were the slaves said, "fuck that" and went to war with their benevolent owners. Barack Obama's ancestors were awarded the Medal of Honor for shooting Abraham Lincoln and then skull fucking him.
Why the war was fought
Rich fuckers in the south were butthurt because the north wasn't going to let them keep slaves. It really is that simple. Sure there are other theories, but they only seem credible if you ignore the declarations of secession written by the actual confederate states for the purpose of explaining why they wanted to secede.
To keep the working people of the south from noticing that slavery means that an average laborer has to accept near-slave wages because he cannot compete any other way with free labor, the rich fuckers invented racism - which involves nice white christian women telling each other that without slavery they'd all be butt-raped by niggers with huge penises.
How the War Turned Out
The South got pwned. After Lee made the boneheaded move of challenging Meade to a game of Stratego at the Board Game Fair of Gettysburg 1864, he was forced to give up his entire army or face buggery by Mark Twain. Upon seeing the size of Twain's penis, he immediately waved the white flag in surrender.
The South, however, got the last laugh, when John Wilkes Booth went to the theater and, after making sweet, homosexual love to the entire cast of "Rent: Richmond, Virginia," shot Lincoln in the head. Booth later died, but not before being given ops in #FuX0rTheNorth. Historians unanimously agree that Booth did it for the lulz.
With Lincoln's death, the Southern slaveholders were pardoned, slaves had no where to go except Detroit, and so they came crawling back. But it was all good, because now they were whipped less, and called "sharecroppers" instead of "slaves".
Although failing at war, the south turned out to be great at politics. With a combination of bribery and jingoism, they completely defeated the north in the late 20th century, installing a succession of southern rich fuckers as president of the union. With recent supreme court decisions making bribery into protected free speech, their victory is complete. Unfortunately, their dependance on the Southern Baptist Church to govern means that the USA is now allied with Israel.
See also
| Featured article January 11, 2006 | ||
| Preceded by Canadia | The War of Northern Aggression | Succeeded by Self-diagnosed |
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399BC: First recorded troll-banning |


