Wario is one SERIOUSLY fucked up badass motherfucker. He was created by some random Nintendo employee (in all probability their janitor) who was seemingly forced to draw a picture of Mario from memory. He's apparently 10 feet tall. Either that or he was modeled after Danny DeVito and... wait, what the fuck am I talking about? All you need to know is that Wario loves to fuck shit up! His personality is one of a portly Italo-Jew, made evident by the fact that he has an unhealthy addiction to gold coins and garlic. Wario is even more popular in America than his do-gooding brother. Why? Because Americans can relate to the fact that he is extremely obese, has no friends and derives lulz from his ability to fart.
- 1 Where the hell did Wario come from!?
- 2 Wario and Mario: Family Matters
- 3 Wario's Woods
- 4 Wario and Bomberman
- 5 The Chronicles of Wario Land
- 6 This . . . is . . . WARIO WORLD!!!
- 7 WarioWare Inc.: Mega PROFIT!!!
- 8 Wario's Mircrogame Gallery
- 9 Wario's crew
- 10 Super Smash Bros. BAAAAAAAAAAWW!!!
- 11 Gallery
- 12 Wario: Master of Cosplay
- 13 See Also
- 14 External Links
Where the hell did Wario come from!?
Wario, unlike the Roman-Catholicly raised Mario, was born before his parents were ever married. Consequently he was always destined to become a fat bastard. At first, Wario's parents made efforts to abort him, but Wario ate the doctor. His parents left him in the woods for wolves to eat but instead the wolves took it upon themselves to raise him as one of their own. A few years later, when Wario was all grown up, he ate the wolves.
Wario and Mario: Family Matters
Wario has been trolling Mario ever since Mario was born. Wario went all eminent domain over Mario's castle in order to make profit and to add insult to injury, he threw a bucket on top of Mario's head and forced him to blindy navigate through a maze. He did it for lulz.
Wario's position in Mario's family is often debated although some argue that he fits quite neatly into the "creepy-uncle that you're not supposed to be left alone with" niche.
Wario and Bomberman
The Chronicles of Wario Land
In the land of Wario there was a man named Wario who liked to steal gold a lot. One day, he encountered some female pirate bitch named Syrup who also liked to steal gold a lot. Anyway, to sum things up, Wario raped Captain Syrup and stole all her gold. He does this all over again in Wario Land 2. Wario Land 3 is just like its predecessors, only this time Wario rapes some demonic clown named Rudy the Clown who looks like something Stephen King pulled out of his ass. In Wario Land 4, Wario runs over a cat with his car and wages war on Egypt. Later, he discovers the cat was actually a princess all along! ON NOES!!!111!!! A SPOILER!!!111!!!111!!!ONEONEONE.
Wario Land 5 SHAKE IT!
In this game Wario not only sets out to steal gold like every single other Wario Land game, but he also has a new ability to shake the fuck out of his enemies. By penetrating the enemies ass with his cock and pumping them at the speed of light garlic falls out of their nose. At the end you an allegedly save a princess, but Wario will just shake her too. This game is well known for the fact that the main quest is easier than your mom, and the missions that show just how much Nintendo cares about its HARDCORE fans.
Wario totally fucks everything up in this game. Basically he smashes a whole lotta shit with his fists, grabs a whole lotta coins, smashes moar shit, then grabs coins again. Intellectuals who have studied the subliminal messages of this game claim that there are some symbolic sexual connotations involved with all this smashing and grabbing. Some argue that this would have been the best game evar, if not for the simple fact that the length of time it took to win was just TOO DAMN SHORT!!!
WarioWare Inc.: Mega PROFIT!!!
Wario was having touble pleasing the ladies in bed, so he invented WarioWare, Inc.: Mega Microgame$ in order to get his groove on. The sexual subliminal context is painfully obvious in the subtitles of his games: Twisted, Touched!, Party Games, and Smooth Moves. In order to gather all the support he required to make this shit, Wario phoned various "friends" he had, including Jimmy T., Mona, and Ashley.
Here was Wario's plan:
- Call my "friends."
- Invent fart jokes.
- Steal a Gameboy.
- Break the Gameboy.
- Eat Cake.
- Eat Garlic.
- Use profit on a spandex suit so that he can sneak out into the night and steal unsuspecting lolis, which everyone knows is the ultimate profit.
Wario's Mircrogame Gallery
Pop the cherry.
. . . Wario couldn't care less. Why? Because the bitch is fucking poor as dirt. She needs to work shifts at some pizzeria straight out of the 1950s, she performs in a rock band (obviously playing on the every-teenage-girl-wants-to-be-a-rockstar stereotype), and cheer-leads--All just to pay for room and board. Oh, and the reason for her manner of dressing is because that she also pulls shifts as a whore during Happy Hour at the Mona Pizza (which, although it is named after her, belongs to some dog named Joe).
- Jimmy T.
- Wario's wigger friend who is forced to dance at a local strip club to pay off his debt to the mafia with the rest of his family. He has a faggot clone who likes to take it up the ass from both cats and dogs. Rumor has it, he and Wario are gay for each other--but then again, they're gay for everybody.
- Dribble and Spitz
- Two retarded cab drivers who can never remember the golden rule of cabbing; Gas, Grass, or Ass. To make up for their incompetence they spend most of their time buttfucking each other as compensation. Despite his name, Dribble knows next to nothing about basketball--which is a shame because if he were human, he'd be black.
- Dr. Crygor
- The fucking crazy ass scientist who jumps into a washing machine with an apple and comes out as a faggot. After completing an invention he does the tango with himself because he has no friend, which would be fine if he didn't keep shaking his ass in your face. He's famous for breaking quality Nintendo equipment and remaking it into shit nobody cares about.
- Penny Crygor
- Dr. Crygor's genius daughter or something. She kicked his ass in a nerd off. She is raped daily by Dr. Crygor.
- 9-Volt & 18-Volt
- 9-Volt is a video gaming basement dweller who has a massive hard on for Nintendo. Hes always tries to skip school because at school he always gets the shit kicked out of him for being a god dammed nerd. 18-Volt is a retard. When together, which is all the time, they enjoy nothing more than fapping to video game characters and slapping each other around with their cocks.
- A goth loli (technically not a loli since she's fifteen, still looks like a loli though) who thinks she can do magic when all she can do is make a fucking flower grow in her garden, which will come in handy when shes older and has nothing to do in the kitchen. Ashley fanboys constantly shit themselves over the fact that Ashely's song was remixed in Brawl to have a jazzy tune and are outraged that they can only fap to her loli voice in Japanese. Ashley has a sidekick named Red, a red devil whom Ashley is constantly fisting in the ass throughout any of her screen time.
- Kat and Ana
- Two ninja lolis straight out of Naruto. During their adventures they make a hawk, dog, and monkey their sex slaves. If you put their names together you get "Katana". Get it? Because they're ninjas, hahahahahahahahahaha good one Nintendo, GO SUCK A DICK!
- A karaoke sexbot made by Dr. Crygor to be the wife he will never have by cleaning his house. Mike travels into space every weekend to cheat on Crygor with mutant space bunnies who have nigger dicks.
- An alien with the shittiest ship in the galaxy called "The Oinker". His staff is made up of mutant space bunnies with nigger dicks, but since they're always having steamy hot sex with Mike Orbulon has to pilot his ship all by himself. Needless to say Orbulon is part Asian and always winds up crashing said ship. His greatest feat was when he destroyed a Go-Bot that Wario had stolen from Starscream.
- Young Cricket
- A young Chink learning the ways of buttsex from his mentor Master Mantis. He is attracted to dumplings that smell like farts.
- These little yellow creatures are the Jews of Warioware. It's your job to see to it that they all die by getting eaten by a dolphin, stepped on, or killed in a fire. 9-Volt is said to own one of these creatures. It tends to hide out in its owner's rectum, causing him to squirm constantly in sexual pleasure, hence the Fronk's alternate name, 'Shag.'
Super Smash Bros. BAAAAAAAAAAWW!!!
Wario trolled his way into Super Smash Bros. Brawl and eventually became a playable character. His standard costume design is eerily similar to that of some black person from the ghetto, but he does have the ability to cross-dress into a woman's outfit, depending on the player's preference. He gives Solid Snake the eebie-jeebies.
One of Wario's special moves is the ability to pull a motorcycle out of his ass and ride it. However, like all bikes, Wario's bike is prone to Nigga theft. In order to avoid bike theft, Wario must eat his bike! No, I am not shitting you!
Wario also has the ability to turn into a super-hero after he gets high on garlic. As Wario-Man, he puts on a silky skin-tight costume that makes him look like your Mom. Note: Niggas can't steal his bike when Wario becomes Wario-Man.
Through rigorous sphincter training and coordination, Wario has mastered the ability to charge his farts until they have obtained a power level of over 9000. However, if Wario farts in the wrong place at the wrong time, he is prone to becoming an hero.
Wario: Master of Cosplay
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|Featured article June 14 & July 15, 2012|