Warren Jeffs

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Hey! Big Thumbs Up.jpg This article isn't lulz just yet, but its coverage can spark a lollercoaster.
You can help by reverting people who delete shit, and vandalizing their user pages.
See this article on Google? Want to add something? Join us!
Lollercoastersmall.gif

Warren Jeffs, also called Uncle Warren, was a batshit insane cultist who had over 100 wives, mostly children, this drew the attention of the FBI, who hunted him down in a massive manhunt. He is what most pedos can only dream of attaining: an army of Lolis. He was on the run for years, and gave the van a hard time catching him, forcing him to be shown on America's Most wanted. In the end, he was caught and v&, much the irritation of his cult.

Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

Warren Jeffs and his 12 year old loli bride.
Warren Jeffs and his 14 year old loli bride, celebrating a year of statutory raep.

Uncle Warren is the "President and Prophet, Seer and Revelator" of the Fundamental Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS). He also was the "President of the Priesthood" which meant that he was the head of the organization of all adult male church members that were worthy to hold the church's priesthood. He is also the only man in the church that can perform marriages, is responsible for assigning wives and reassigning wives to another man. Uncle Warrens other, most frequently used power is exiling younger males (competition for the old guys) from the church so he can keep the ratio of wives to husbands high.

The FLDS is a Mormon breakaway cult that separated form the mainstream cult back in the 1890's when the ladies put their foot down and stopped all the fun of polygamy (and pedophilia as a byproduct). All FLDS ladies are taught that they are vessels, property of their husband’s kingdom and the Kingdom of God on Earth.

Uncle Warren took over as FLDS leader after the previous leader, his dad, Rulon, died leaving at least 20 wives and 60 kiddies. As soon as his dad dies he said to all of the male members for the church "I won't say much, but I will say this—hands off my father's wives" and then within a week he had married all of the wives (except his mother and the ugliest one). He then went on to continue marrying more ladies including close relatives, underage girls and close relatives who were underage girls. If you are an incestuous pedo FLDS you get extra getting into heaven points if you get the underage and the incest in one.

Arrest

The start of all of the conspiracies to lock Uncle Warren up started with his nephew making up lies and filing a lawsuit saying that his uncle buttseksed him when he was a little kid. His nephew then convinced 2 more of his nephews to come forward and lie that they were buttseksed as kids by their uncle. Warren might be a pedo and a rapist BUT HE IS NOT A FAG!!! Then to top it off a girl that had left the church came forward and said that when she was 14 Uncle Warren forced her to marry her 19 year old first cousin, her cousin raped her and the government decided that this made Warren an accomplice of rape. The government then decided it didn't like the idea of forced illegal marriages of underaged girls and it decided it was time to take some action and try to lock him up.

In 2005, Uncle Warren was put on the party van most wanted fugitive list and was then featured on America's Most Wanted. After the increase of his celebrity status after being on the telly the party van moved him into the top 10 most wanted list.

Uncle Warren was arrested after he was pulled over driving on the Interstate because the license plates on his car were not visible. In the car there were also four computers, 16 cell phones, more than $55,000 in cash and lots disguises including three wigs and 12 pairs of sunglasses because everyone, even Uncle Warren, likes a little bit of role play every now and again.

All the fun of the Trial(s)

Uncle Warren was charged with the arrangement of illegal marriages of underage girls, then Arizona charged him with more stuff like sexual conduct with minors and incest.

His first trial, in Utah lasted less than a month and he was declared guilty only of rape as an accomplice and was sentenced to jail for minimum 10 years. Because the Utah legal system is fucked the conviction was reversed because of incorrect jury instructions.

His second trial, in Arizona where he pleaded not guilty to sex charges a dick head judge dismissed ALL OF THE CHARGES with prejudice (meaning that he cant be retried on these allegations).

His third trial, in Texas was the good one, he was found guilty of sexual and aggravated sexual assault of kiddies. He was sentenced to life in prison plus twenty years and on top of all of this he had to pay a $10,000 fine.

Fun in Jail

In July 2008, Uncle Warren was moved form his Arizona jail to a hospital in Las Vegas for an apparent serious medical problem. His medical problem could not be specified, but apparently it was apparently serious enough to move him 100 miles from the Arizona hospitals to Las Vegas. When Uncle Warren was originally arrested it was in Las Vegas, where he was living with 4 of his wives and 14 of his kids.

Uncle Warren ended up with ulcers on his knees from being in jail, the FLDS says that's from all of the praying. But it is a well known fact that he is on his knees all the time because he is competing in the jail blow job championship and is getting a lot of practice in before the big day.

Uncle Warren wasn't having as much fun in jail as he though he would so he started starving himself for attention, but his doctors and attorneys decided he was fasting for spiritual reasons and it was nothing to be worried about. But in August 2009, it was ordered that Jeffs be force fed so he was fed through a stomach feeding tube. This is because we dont want him starving himself to death and missing out on all the fun to be had in jail - that is real jail not internet jail.