Watch Dogs

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Ubisoft, the EA of 2014.

Watch_Dogs, also known as Haxors on Steroids and the Breivik Simulator, is Jewbisoft's latest masterpiece. Watch Dogs sets the world in the hipster wet dream of Chicago, where an epic Orwellian surveillance program known as ctOS controls the city. You play as Aiden Pearce, a pretty cool guy who took Computer Science III. Aiden hacks everything, beats black people (who make up 90% of the gangsters in the game) with a baton, and cleanses Jews, Arabs, Christians, and Scientologists in Chicago for his everyone's own good while being a good brother and sending his sister's family offshore for prostitution. The game began development in 2009, when the graphics were far better than the shit we eventually got, like the broken physics that make GTA V look good (but in reality, both are the same boring shit).


You play some loner named Aiden Pearce, who is a hacker and vigilante, basically fulfilling the ideal lifestyle of a keyboard warrior, all because his niece gets killed. In the ancient year of 2003, it is revealed that some jackoff named Raymond Kennedy caused the Northeast blackout, thus pissing off any basement-dweller looking to get their rocks off that night. As a result, ctOS is developed which connects everyone together and allows groups such as DedSec (real subtle there guys) to hack away freely and find out personal details such as *gasp*, surviving 9/11 or being descended from slavetraders, all the way to more serious offences such as writing MLP fanfiction or buying hentai. It should be noted that Aiden is a complete and utter pussy, just like anyone who plays this game as he is not able to get into fights due to a lack of combat programming and the most edgy thing he does is shutting off some guy's pacemaker. There really is not that much else to say about this game's story, as Act V literally has just one mission. Seriously.


*tips fedora*

As a 1337 haxOr who has mastered the arts of hacking and vigilantism, you must QTE your way out of car chases whenever the game tells you to. To survive in the scum hole of Chicago, you must hack ATMs and bank accounts to ensure you are richer than everyone, even though money is as useless as a used condom in every free roam game. Remember to watch out for other predators, and to do so, you must check their profiles every so often just so you can judge their worth. Oh, and did we mention that you hack everything with an Android? Fucking hipster. You also unlock over 34 useless guns after doing boring side missions. But hey, you get to see other people's houses! They might be playing Russian roulette with a prostitute, complaining about their hentai figurines as a fedora-wearing CEO, or talking to their fake waifu, all while you hack into their bank accounts and steal even more money.

OH WAIT! What about this game's hype point--the mini game where you become a spider tank after taking some futuristic dope from a black person? Well, too fucking bad, because there are only three rounds, and you only unlock another shitty looking trench coat. (Aiden has no clothes other than different-colored trench coats. Seriously.) OH, but there is a different trench coat that made you look like a pedophile just because it includes fedora in the costume. It's also DLC only. pfft.

Awesome shit you get to hack

Since the people in charge of ctOS are a bunch of fucking retards who made everything hackable from steam pipes to your computer full of pornography, you can hack the Gibson pretty much anything in the city, including:

  • street blockers
  • CCTV cameras
  • webcams in people's houses
  • bank accounts
  • ATM
  • steam pipes, somehow
  • grenades, again somehow
  • an old man's pacemaker
  • your mom's cell phone

This game spent 5 years in development. Think about that for a second. About missing Pics
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Despite the name of the game, there are no watches nor dogs. There are, however, a bunch of fictional script kiddies to interact with:

Aiden Pearce, cleansing the scum of Chicago for great justice.

Aiden Pearce - He is a vigilante and a pretty cool guy, who is not afraid of killing gangsters and beating them up with a baton. He is also Irish, making him an ideal terrorist.

Nicole Pearce - Aiden's naive sister who is not as cool as her brother. She lost her daughter, Lena Pearce, after sending her to play with her totally-not-a-criminal-mass-murder-hacker uncle, where she died in a car crash. Jewbisoft wants you to actually care about this.

Jackson Pearce - Another proud member of the Pearce family, who does nothing but run away, forcing his uncle to kill even more people. He also plays games on an iPad.

Jordi Chin - A gook criminal and Aiden's BFF whose job is to make people disappear. He has no plot connection so don't mind him.

Clara Lille - A French Canadian bitch who looks like she came from Paris. Other than being a plot device who's responsible for Lena's death, she is useless. Ridiculously overpowered to appease the SJWs and has a fetish for spiders.

T-Bone (Raymond Kennedy) - Another terrorist who you get to play as after you pay for the overpriced DLC. A pretty cool guy who blacked out the American northeast in 2003 and stopped every virgin from watching porn.

Delford "Iraq" Wade - A proud nigger veteran who is also a true gangsta who blackmails everyone inside his shitty looking fortress. He also does cocaine.

Dermot "Lucky" Quinn - Oldfag gangsta who owned all the bitches until he let Iraq be in charge and fucked up everything. He later has a genius idea where he thinks he is invincible behind some bulletproof glass, but since the glass is not hackproof, he gets pwned by Aiden, who hacks his pacemaker.

Damien Brenks - A crippled hacker Jew and Aiden's other BFF who becomes God after he fucks the city to oblivion with ctOS.

JB "Defalt" Marcowicz - Some script kiddie Deadmau5 wannabe that screwed over both DedSec and Aiden Pearce. He later goes too far and was raped by Aiden's baton.

DedSec - Useless hacker group that did nothing but being useless through out the game, preaching 1984 Orwellian message throughout the city. Just like real life.

G1gg1L3s - The final boss of the boring hipster shit QR code collectable mission. You gets to troll him in the end, yeaaaa.





As the usual for Ubisoft, many different shills were paid to "voice" their "opinion" on this shitfest. Unsurprisingly, they gave it undeservingly high scores with very brief reviews so they could spend their hard earned money on hookers and blow as quickly as they could. Luckily, the Internet does not tolerate this type of shit and were quick to respond, as Metacritic users rated the game much lower, and rarely find the "critic" review useful. You can create further lulz by doing the same at these links. Go on, do it faggot!


Graphics Downgrade

Prepare your anuses, kiddies!
Fuck it.

On July 30th 2013, Ubisoft uploaded another trailer of the game. This time around, to put it simply, something wasn't right. Because the next-gen consoles had a lot less power than what Ubisoft and many other developers had anticipated, some cutting down had to be done. They believed the YouTube crowd would still be oohing and aahing over the original trailer released two years before to notice any difference. They were wrong. The video's comment section soon became a battle ground between wannabe-employees of Ubisoft and enraged gamers. Many lulz were had, but it took until June 2014 before an answer was finally found. Surprise, surprise, Ubisoft DID in fact downgrade the graphics. Upon hearing this news, most defenders went running back into their mancaves, while a select few stayed and claimed the unused graphics were actually a "hidden feature" to appeal to the hacking aspect of the game, in the same way Josef Fritzl's sex dungeon was a hidden feature designed to appeal to the police.
How to fix the graphics

  • download this. Install it.
  • Go to windows/system32 and delete AUTHZ.DLL. It is a file Ubisoft put there for people not hacking their shitty game. Pretty ironic, isn't it?
  • You then need to uninstall Watch_Dogs.
  • Reboot computer
  • Reinstall Watch_Dogs
  • ????
  • Profit

Release Date

Watch Dogs is part of an ever growing list of games that should not have boasted their release date too early, in case it got delayed. Unfortunately, as an effect of the average frog-eater's finite wisdom, they completely ignored the previous warnings and in a moment of egotism, flexed their proverbial muscles in the direction of Rockstar with an advertisement for the game, shown to the right. The only thing they forgot is that you're supposed to actually have a game finished well before the date you announce to release it. When this started to become unfeasible, the date was removed in order to let them have the remaining 9 days of the month to try and smuggle more clop porn into the game before releasing it. In the end, Ubisoft pulled the campaign altogether when they finally realized the game would not be out by November. 7 months later, on May 27th 2014, nearly 9 months after GTA V, Watch Dogs came out on every system it was planned for except Wii U, because fuck those guys. As of mid-July, the Wii U version STILL has no sign of coming out any time soon. Nintendo fanboys are currently considering losing their iPods because their console has no games.

The Cancer

Among the many disappointments of this game, it appears the dev team spent most of their development time on the Internet, looking for cancer which they could reference. As a result, the game is bombarded with shit noone cares about. It is almost a certainty that at least some of the developers are autistic, as no-one else would go through tons of shit to model a pony keychain.

Watch Dogs is the first game in the world to be infected with actual ponyfaggotry. About missing Pics
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The Chemo

You are not entirely powerless though.

Eugenics Simulator 2014

The Relapse


However, after killing tons of undesirables it slowly dawns upon you that no matter how many you kill, there will still be millions more due to the fact that it's a game, and you are killing people based solely on what a random code says about them, making you sadder than the people who wrote these statuses. Also, for a brief time, the above video was taken down due to some Feminazi bitch named Patricia Hernandez, who should be well-known to gamers at this point for being the same Feminazi bitch who drew GTA fans into a frenzy after giving GTA V a 9 instead of a 10 due to its depictions of women. As can be expected from such a shithole of a site, users almost unanimously sided against the person causing the lulz, just like the time they Archive today-ico.png shat all over Cr1tikal due to a glitch caused by a similar game, Sleeping Dogs.


This game sucks on the same level as Duke Nukem Forever. Overhyped, tons of preview, unnecessary features, lies, delayed time after time and doesn't bring anything new to the table. The only difference between this game and Duke Nukem Forever is that the latter actually lets you throw your shit.

See also

External Links

Archive today-ico.png Lulz ensue

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