Where's Waldo?

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Where's Waldo was the series of books your mom gave you to keep you busy while she whored herself out for two dollar drinks and lines of coke in the hopes of momentarily forgetting the eternal shame you represented to her.

The Books

Waldo IRL

On each page are ten thousand people engaged in some pointless bullshit, and somewhere inside the crowds hides Waldo, well-equipped for any crisis requiring a snorkel and a pair of binoculars. This is a terrible idea for a book, and ranks between alphabetizing and room-cleaning in entertainment value for children. No sane child ever found Waldo in all of the pictures, and the ones who did should immediately report their parents to the authorities for neglect. At some point, it got too easy to find Waldo, and so a wizard, a dog, some chick, and bizarro Waldo all started hanging around regular Waldo, making the task of turning the page all the more difficult. As the series entered old age, Waldo began losing shoes, canes, and other shit, and left it to the reader to find them for him. Lazy cunt.

The Truth

Not even Homer can find him.

Where's Waldo is a childhood edition of a Turing Tarpit, designed to be difficult and to occupy the time of children. This convenience costs money, and as a vacation to Thailand will drive home, children should be cheap and disposable. The same function as a Waldo book can be accomplished by hammering nails into a tree stump and telling the child to pry them all out or you'll put them up for adoption. Bright children can be kept at bay with screws. Just so long as the little shit is kept busy until a manufacturing job with lax standards of hire and cash payments can be located. Try Foxconn's guest worker program.

Where in the World Wide Web is Waldo?

The chans, being a tremendous collection of children and manchildren, start an average of 37 nostalgia threads a day. Dropping a Where's Waldo picture with Waldo shooped out will occupy the feeble minded for some minutes, allowing for an elevated discourse of the finer things. Where's Waldo shocker images are also a good, if overused, way to piss off the uninitiated btard. IRL, journeying to your local library or bookstore and circling Waldo with Sharpie will assure the children won't strain themselves looking. Adding pages of dutch coprophilia porn will ensure no child will put the book down unscarred.

An disturbing large number of Waldo tattoos are shown off on the internet. The only logic for getting such an awful tattoo is a half-assed joke as obvious as it is nauseating. Tattoo artists are to a man transient diseased drug addicts, and are uniformly incapable of inking something so simple as a children's book character. But then again, anyone seeking to have someone searching their person for a children's book character are clearly pedophiles, and deserve to be branded with horrible art forever to set them apart from society at large.

Waldo Video Games

What was and is a terrible idea for a book is an even worse idea for a video game. The design strategy consists of recreating the scenes from the book to be scrolled section by section and slapping a timer on each level and then calling it a day. Jerky controls and resolution issues are not optional. Bethesda tried it in 1991, and you can see for yourself how well it worked. Waldo changes colors on harder levels and one level is played in total blackout. Ubisoft tried it again in 2009 and succeeded only in learning exactly what Bethesda did before them. The 2009 version has about 2 hours of gameplay, and at $15.00, it's right up there with heroin in terms of price per hour.


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External Links

Where's Waldo?
is part of a series on
[Fuck reading. Just use Sparknotes.See Also]