Wii (pronounced WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY in Japanese, also known as the Piss) is the name of Nintendo's newest console with a MSRP of at Least 100 dollars. The idea was born by Japanophiles who thought the phrase "Wii will change everything" was the funniest thing ever. Nintendo claims the "ii" is an image of gamers playing together... which is complete crap as gamers have no friends with whom to play. The Wii fan base consists mainly of either soccer moms and 5-year-old girls who think that sports games+motion capture will finally (and falsely) motivate them to exercise, or whiny 12 year olds whose parents can't afford a decent gaming console, Nintendo knew that they had to somehow steal this "project Natal" (Kinect) idea that Microsoft was inventing, but they couldn't figure out how to build such a device for the GameCube, so what they instead built was a motion controller, and a slimmer version of the gamecube which was renamed to "Wii."
This console is total shit. Don't buy it.
With the Wii's cutting edge waggle technology, you can expect nothing but the most boring, retarded, new, and more than anything, boring games ever made in the history of the universe. Have you ever played chess before? Fuck no, you haven't played chess until you've played Wii Chess! Unlike regular old more boring chess where you move non-animated chess pieces across a boring wooden board using your fucking monkey hands, Wii Chess allows you to manipulate virtual chess pieces using cutting edge motion-sensor technology, allowing you to proudly shout "check mate!" at your opponent over the interwebs like any civilized 21st century no-life gamer.
Expect nothing but the innovative mini-games in console gaming history, Token from ideas of old GameCube games. Aimed at "casual gamers" (read: Your mom and kindergarteners.) The majority of future titles available will have the same Boring ass gameplay Which is similar to, what we see through the Nintendo 64-Wii that can be run through in less than an hour. You can bet your blue overalls that Mario will continue to defecate on any sport imaginable, like Tennis, Soccer, Baseball, Basketball, Golf, or Curling. Even Link, from The Legend of Zeldur is being thrown into the mix, with his boring game, Link's Crossbow Training, which will be exactly like the minigame in Ocarina of Time, only with more innovation, as it will use patented Wii sensor control technology (aka light gun) that has yet to be used in any arcade game from the 90s. Even Resident Evil: Umbrella Chronicles will feature the amazing minigame rail-shooter technology.
Also, since everyone knows gamers aren't lard asses that sit on their butts all day long<---(Noo, The Wii Sport is to help with the, Growth of obese Americans. So since they know the obese people, in America, usually are targeted at Gaming and, all types of it.) , Nintendo created the Wii Fit. This is a game where you get to tear your muscles and trip over your own feet on a crappy board that Nintendo made like the Tachikoma units from Ghost in the Shell - with far less firepower and more of that annoying 5-year-old girl's voice, which is guaranteed to drive you to self-trepane with a power drill JUST to wipe it out of your brain. Unlike the real thing, however, the Wii Balance Board cannot lick Daddy's lollipop and you can't hit it when it throws a tantrum in public, thus resulting in a -1,000,000 deduction from its already low score of complete FAIL.
Like the iFag, the Weee has an assortment of crapplications to make you gayer.
- Check Mii Out: A dumping ground to show off your crappy Miis.
- Everybody Votes Channel: Participate in pointless polls for absolutely no reason.
- NintenDOH! Channel: Get free newsletters on ALL THE BAD GAMES!!
- Weeh Shop Channel: Xbox Live Arcade for kindergarteners. Sells old games for teh parents
- Yootoob: The only channel that's NSFW, unless the only videos you watch are everyone's favorite possessed fruit.
- Internets: OMG I CUN LOOK AT pr0n on a 90-inch HDTV!!! LOL OMGWTFBBQ!!!!111
The Wii uses a wireless controller with an analog stick attachment called the Nunchuck. Xbox and PlayStation fanboys are jealous because the shape vaguely resembles a dildo which they would like to shove up their asses. The Wiimote/Nunchuck combination will revolutionize the gaming industry by giving the user new and innovative ways to play the next Mario, Metroid, and Kirby games, which are surprisingly similar to versions released fifteen years ago. The controller is considered perfect for the average Nintendo average fanboy like Whiny 12-year-olds, adults who could be possibly still living with their mothers, Black rich guys, Sport-moms and, 14-year-olds who could be possibly victims of bullying and, who is already used to grabbing a thin rod and shaking it for hours on end.
Overall, you are going to look like the biggest queer in the world when you play any Wii game with the motion controller, as evidenced here. Only a total idiot thinks this is better than the old way of playing games. Luckily, Nintendo could foresee that a majority of their games that didn't involve firing projectiles would probably be better off without da innovashun, and you can still plug in your superior Gamecube controller and put the Wii's motion sensors in the back of the closet along with your Power Glove. Red Steel is also a prime example of why Japan should NEVER be allowed to make another first-person shooter; seriously, stick to your cookie-cutter same-plot-every-time RPGs Japan. (Editor's Note: It should be noted that Red Steel was developed by UbiSoft Paris. Fucking French.)
The Wii U (somewhat resembles a way to describe something being yucky or nasty) is Nintendos new eighth generation console (or is it a controller, or is it a i-Pad, or is it a phone, or is it a handheld device?) you can use while sitting on the toilet playing Lego City Undercover (which is totally not a GTA clone), another re-released Zelda game and yet another New Super Mario Bros. game that looks exactly like its predecessor.
But what does the Wii U offer you? It has:
- Shitty battery
- Bad framerates
- Uncomfortable controller
- Shitty looks
- About 10 users (Who plays Wii anyways?)
Shitty = City
City = Engrish
Japanese = Engrish
Coincidence? I think NOT
Ironically, the legions of Nintendrones defending the Wii's honor and pointing out that it's become the best selling console of this generation is exactly the demographic that Nintendo is abandoning. At a London showcase of Nintendo's "Mind, Body and Console" press conference, Nintendo's UK head of marketing, Dawn Paine, expressed that the Wii was targeting more than "solitary anti-social teenagers," which is a nice way of describing fat, lonely, basement-dwelling gaymers. Calling your devoted fan base a bunch of sad and pathetic losers? Clearly, nothing but good can come from this statement.
—Edge Magazine, December 2007
E3 2008 further solidified the Casual Gamers as Nintendo's target audience. Promising that Nintendo would be "maximizing all of our key franchises," for the holiday season to appease "core gamers," rumors were afloat for a new Zelda game, a Kid Icarus remake, or something awesome and completely unexpected, exactly like how the Wii was kept secret up until E3 2006, when it stole the show. Something awesome was clearly going to happen, after all, Reggie Fils-Aime did say "there's gonna be a big game for the holiday that the gamers will want." The hype machine wound up flying too close to the sun and came crashing down in the most boring way imaginable. Reggie believes Animal Crossing is now totally hardcore, along with Wii Music which lets you button mash to play music without needing to pay attention to rhythm or even get a score, a new Raving Rabbids mini game collection, and Wii Sports 2 which lets you play Frisbee with a virtual dog, bound to be entertaining for hours on end. Wii users this holiday season will be celebrating when they find these must have titles under the Christmas tree next to their Play-Doh and Easy-Bake Ovens.
HAY GAIZ, FREE ONLINE PLAY! LOL JK!
Back in August of 2006, Reggie Fils-Aime, the lying faggot also known as the president and chief operating officer of Nintendo of America, made it publicly known that there would be no subscription or any kind of payment to play the Wii online. Consumers would be able to enjoy free Wi-Fi (pronounced "whiffy") right out of the box, without being bothered by any failtastic monthly payments like Ecks Bawks Live.
—Reggie Fils-Aime, SPOUTING HIS LIES
At the 2008 Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, Nintendo introduced a much newer, more INNOVASHUN-ed form of online play known as "pay-to-play," which will force Wii owners to subscribe on a game-by-game basis for certain video games. Games with free online will still have the blue seal on the box reading "Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection" but games which Nintendo hopes will actually turn a profit will be adorned with a red seal which reads "Pay and Play". Ironically, this now means the Playstation 3 is the only current-generation console to offer
no-strings-attached, completely free online play, HAHAHA DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS which balances out its exorbitant price, and the general fact that the PS3 online service simply sucks, so you pick. This only proves that Nintendo would like you to think their company is run like a mom and pop store, when in truth, they're clever, scheming bastards who release shit hardware with INNAVASHUN and sell millions to morons.
Though the Wii's "innovation" is anything but groundbreaking, that still doesn't stop uncreative companies from basically making the exact same fucking thing with a different name. Fanboys claim it's the greatest contribution to motion controls ever created.
Hold Your Wee For a Wii
If you're wondering just how dumb the Wii fanbase is, look no further than 28 year old Jennifer Strange of Sacramento, California. Jennifer was so dumb she accidentally killed herself with water intoxication from a few cups of water. yep, all for a radio contest. Yes, she managed to poison herself with an overdose of ordinary drinking water. In early January 2007, Radio station KDND 107.9 held a contest where people had to drink massive amounts of water, and whoever held it in the longest won a Nintendo Wii. My, the urine jokes never get old with the kiddies, do they? To speed the contest along, contestants had to consume more water after a specified amount of time. Why would this woman subject her bladder to such torture? For her three (now motherless) children, of course! The children will most likely be spending eternity rotting in hell for making their own mother kill herself because of their own selfish desires.
To add lulz to the fire, it turns out she didn't even win the contest. We here at ED would like to congratulate the winner, Lucy Davidson, on their shiny new Nintendo Wii.
Nintendo played around with a myriad of potential names for the console, before finally settling on "Wii". A partial list of these working titles follows:
- Nintendo RC
- Nintendo Lulz
- Nintendo Rev
- Wii Penis The first ever official launch game titled golf tennis for the wii
- Nintendo 180 (Scrapped when it was revealed that the new XBox had a number twice as big after its name)
- Powerglove revisited
- Wii farts
- Wang, after the head of the controller design team.
- Wii: New Era of Revolution, abbreviated to WiiNER.
- Physical Nintendo Entertainment System, or PNES
- Vagina The name Wii was used instead for lack of puns
- Wiikike The only known jewish lesbo wii kite game
- Wiiwii The size your dick gets after playing the wii
- Wheeeeee (way too gay for even the Nintendo market.)
- Wii begone the selectable daily choice menu
- Wii hard on the avatar making menu
- Nintendo Wiid (Named after what Nintendo was on when making the Wii)
Head of Nintendo, Shigeru Miyamoto had this to say about his decision in the final naming of the console:
Half Baked Console is HALF-FUCKIN-BAKED BOIIIII
- Women in drinking contest died for a wii
- Smash My Wii.com
- Wiihaveaproblem.com. A taste of the carnage reported from victims of the Wii's IRL damage mode.
- Nintendo sucks rap by a disabled.
- Every WiiBoy's wet dream.
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