William Tecumseh Sherman

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While sitting for this photograph, Sherman killed six other people in the room.
A ginger nobody fucked with.

Life ruining tactics are nothing new on the internet, where, on an almost daily basis, some noob, white knight, or camwhore has his or her collective ass handed to them in the form of dox dropping, black faxes, and party vans. This sort of trickery, because of its commonplace nature, is often overlooked or even demoted to “business as usual” by the internet’s many users. It is because of this very reduction in importance that the past should be reviewed and analyzed more closely. By appraising the past actions of other noted historical trolls, the average dramacrat can become a great dramacrat… and the great dramacrats can become legendary.

A tank was named after him

The concepts and acts that accompany life ruining tactics can be boiled down and personified by one person: William Tecumseh Sherman, who not only practiced such tactics, but was a proficient expert in the notion and application of “country ruining tactics” to the point of being characterized as the Devil himself. Still vilified to this day in the deep South, Sherman showed the slave owning rebel states, and the world, who was boss by basically deleting fucking everything that had to do with the Confederacy. Indeed, William Tecumseh Sherman is held up by many Anons as the spiritual forefather of Anonymous, for his hatred of everything and his way of taking KILL IT WITH FIRE to the next level.

Description and Attitudes

Bad hair day.

William Tecumseh Sherman, sporting a close cropped head of fire red hair, was a short, but energetic ne'er do well who hated just about everything. He wore his clothes unkempt, he rarely shaved, and tended to give his superior officers backtalk that bordered on treason. He hated slavery while also hating abolitionists. He didn't own slaves, but he also didn't have an opinion about slaves themselves. This striking combination of lethargy towards the problems of his times and the general malaise he had towards the establishment is more akin to the ambivalence displayed by today's angsty teen youths, than to anybody of his current times. The only major difference was that Sherman wasn't a basement dwelling pussy too fat to crawl up the stairs. Also, Sherman would come to find early in his career, that he really, really liked to fight...and that he was good at it.

Early Life

Sherman was born someplace at some time which nobody really cares about because all the interesting stuff happened much later when he was in Tennessee, Alabama, and Georgia. He attended military school and was an excellent student even though he was hated by his teachers because he was always in trouble for fucking around when he should have been studying. After graduation, he went west and killed a hell of a lot of American Indians in a lot of interesting and bloody ways. It was through these actions that Sherman found out he was pretty good at fighting and even better at the ancient and honorable skill of “sucker punching” (fucking people up when they aren't looking).

Sadly, he ended his time within the military and made his way further west where he founded Sacramento during the 1850s gold rush. Having a rich and influential family, there was no shortage of jobs or work. He ran a bank that went under and pretty much sucked at everything he did, which included teaching, and land speculation. So he went back to the military and what he knew best: fucking up shit.

The Civil War years

Some hippy faggot put this on a shirt...BUSH LIED PEOPLE DIED!
Sherman: still good for a jab at southerners.
How a REAL man impresses girls: BURN SHIT DOWN! Also, LOL treason.
 
 
You people of the South don't know what you are doing…Besides, where are your men and appliances of war to contend against them? The North can make a steam engine, locomotive, or railway car; hardly a yard of cloth or pair of shoes can you make. You are rushing into war with one of the most powerful, ingeniously mechanical, and determined people on Earth—right at your doors. You are bound to fail.
 

 

—Sherman addresses the whole mess just prior to the Civil War.

Sherman’s second stint with the army is where he really proved that he was a badass. He was first appointed as a colonel to a non-existent volunteer corps of men which he raised and trained. He then attempted to kick some secessionist’s asses at the Battle of Bull Run, but a massive defeat was suffered and over 9,000 Union soldiers were killed and/or wounded. Despite this loss, his ass kissing earned him a battlefield promotion because he had impressed Abe Lincoln…who would later learn to hate Sherman despite his accomplishments.

Looney Tunes

After Bull Run, Sherman was put in charge of Kentucky, where he not only had to deal with confederate troops, but he also had to deal with Cincinnati newspapers calling him crazy on various occasions. These accusations, coupled with the fact that Sherman really was crazy, led him to leave his command for a time and seek help from his family. During his time in Kentucky, Sherman would begin his long career of working with Ulysses S. Grant.

Ulysses S. Grant

   
 
Tis better to troll in Hell than to be a noob in Heaven
 

 
 

—Sherman’s attitude towards working with Grant.

After Sherman was assigned to work with Grant, both men’s fortunes would become akin to a roller coaster ride. They suffered many defeats and shared in many victories, but they still could not catch a break in the press.


   
 
[The] army was being ruined in mud-turtle expeditions, under the leadership of a drunkard [Grant], whose confidential adviser [Sherman] was a lunatic.
 

 
 

—Union newspaper just before Grant and Sherman smashed Tennessee.

Sometime after destroying the Confederate armies in Memphis and Chattanooga, the Union press began to take the stance that Grant was known to be a raging alcoholic and was reprimanded for his dalliance with alcohol on a few occasions while Sherman had succumbed to a nervous breakdown. Both men were to be maligned in the press as much as possible. Sarcastically, the media of the day even went so far as to ask, in mock seriousness, “what could be a better duo to put in charge of the entire western theater of the American Civil War?

In reality, nobody thought it was a good idea, but for some reason, these two men became a force to reckon with when they took to a battlefield together. Perhaps the combination of weakness, insecurity, imperfection, self-doubt, and inebriated bravado melded together to form some sort of “super general.” Or perhaps it was because Lincoln couldn’t find anybody else. Whatever the case may be, Grant’s politicking and Sherman’s blind rage pooled into a destructive assrape that had the southern states of Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, and Alabama reeling for almost 100 years after the fact.

OM NOM NOM Georgia

Railroads: PWND
Atlanta: PWND
Just before he nuked Atlanta.
   
 
You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will. War is cruelty, and you cannot refine it; and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out.
 

 
 

—Sherman telling Georgia what he has in store for them.

After fucking up Tennessee, Sherman set his greedy eyes on the state of Georgia. While in that state, he would perfect what is commonly called “total war” which is the nice way of saying, “burn the shit out of everything, rape, pillage, plunder, and basically murder anything that looks at you funny.” This scheme was quite successful. So successful in fact, that after he got done burning Atlanta to the ground (it was an accident lol right?) he decided to apply it to all of the Georgia countryside up to and including the port of Savannah. Again, this way of fighting proved to be the best way to take on the Confederates. By breaking their railroads, warehouses, shipping, and eventually their very souls, Sherman was able to erase the South’s ability to wage a meaningful war. On December 22, 1864, in an act of total lulz, Sherman gave the city of Savannah to Lincoln as a christmas present

How to make South Carolina your Bitch

South Carolina was the first state to pull out of the Union, thus causing the whole war to begin with. Sherman had a special place in his heart for the state, wanting to savor the rape for as long as possible before nuking the whole place. He was so hot for Columbia, he marched through swamps at a rate of no less than ten miles a day just to get there in time to burn the town and anything surrounding it to the ground. Witnesses of the carnage swear that no two stones were standing together within the whole swath of ruin that Sherman cut through the countryside. As Sherman marched out of South Carolina, he took the two cannons that had fired the first shots at the start of the war, trophies of his epic pwning of the whole state.

Post Civil War

Sitting Bull: Renamed Shitting Bull after he realized how fucked he was.

When Robert E. Lee surrendered to Ulysses S. Grant after the Battle of Appomattox Court House, Sherman was put in charge of every state and territory west of Missouri. This huge land mass was to be subjugated in much the same way the South was, by the use of hard warfare on the drunken red savages that were illegally squatting on American soil despite the constant warnings from the United States government. Sherman, now an old expert on this sort of permanent cockslapping, immediately told his troops to begin shooting as many buffalo as they could see, depriving the Indians a valuable source of food, clothing, and trade goods.

Here are some of his more notable quotes about the whole affair:

   
 
The railroads are the most important element now in progress to facilitate the military interests of our Frontier. We are not going to let a few thieving, ragged Indians check and stop the progress of the railroads.
 

 
 

—Sherman hated Indians more than he hated Confederates, even though he was named after one.

   
 
We must act with vindictive earnestness against the Sioux, even to their extermination, men, women and children.
 

 
 

—Small Pox is too good for them!

   
 
hostile savages like Sitting Bull and his band of outlaw Sioux ... must feel the superior power of the Government. During an assault, the soldiers can not pause to distinguish between male and female, or even discriminate as to age.
 

 
 

—Careful Willie, that sort of talk might earn you a court martial!

It was because of this sort of attitude that Sherman, despite not wanting the job, was promoted by his old pal and new President of the United States Ulysses S. Grant, to the rank of "Supreme Commander of the American Armed Forces."

Accomplishments

He was so kickass, they named a TREE after him.

Sherman is affectionately known as the "father of the modern general" by his many fans. These fans include such notable people as the entire Wehrmacht and also several other notable strategic geniuses over the years. Because of his invention of hard war, modern armies can now excel at such wartime favorites as:

  • Scorched earth
  • War crimes
  • Turning battle - a way in which an attacking general can make his army appear to be in several places at once by quickly maneuvering his troops. An idea used to create blitzkrieg a few decades later.
  • Getting rid of a bunch of slaves before they could attack his rear.
  • Targeting civilians because it's funny.
  • Was credited as the first person to utter the famous saying "War is Hell," which has been quoted by several politicians, celebrities, and comic book characters since.
  • Invented the tactics and attitude that are exhibited by Anons everywhere.
  • Using dirty women to vaginally disease the enemy.

Sherman was also asked, on several occasions, to run for the office of President of the United States. The notion appalled him and he was credited with offering this as a response:


   
 
If drafted, I will not run; if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve
 

 
 

—Sherman telling the Republicans to fuck off.

Attitude towards slavery

During Sherman’s march through both Georgia and South Carolina he managed (by burning down plantations) to free approximately 40,000 slaves. While many historians think of this as a good thing, citing the fact that Sherman did not own slaves himself or approve of slavery, the real case was that Sherman didn’t want the Confederates to force the slaves to fight against Union troops as they had in battles past. He was not prejudicial nor was he helpful to the slaves he did free, he simply didn’t care enough to have an opinion either way. He just wanted to continue to destroy southern cities and rout southern troops.

Despite his callous nature, many slaves followed Sherman’s army out of gratitude and hero worship. This began causing problems with his logistics and supply lines and prompted Sherman to dispatch one of his generals to lead the freed slaves away from his armies and further into the south. There, the slaves were told to live on lands that Sherman had conquered and to stay out of the way. Some historians believe this is the basis for the “40 acres and a mule” reparation that many slaves were granted, but Sherman never said anything on the subject, he was just happy he wasn’t being followed around by a bunch of darkie beggars anymore.

Spiritual Forefather of Anonymous

As mentioned in the introduction to this article, many Anons hold up Sherman as the Spiritual Forefather of Anonymous. The reasons are quite simple. Sherman single handedly invented the class of tactics that Anonymous uses daily: the methods of total war. Before Sherman, armies were essentially expected to play nice: only shoot soldiers, never pillage, don't fuck up the nearby town because a fort is next to it. Sherman, being a total badass, saw these rules for the faggotry they were, and decided to take his doombringing to the next level. Sherman saw war for what it truly was: a horrible, unforgiving monster that touched everything around it, with no discrimination. Without Sherman, these tactics would have never become commonplace, and Anons would not be using them to bring war against Anonymous' enemies. Simply put, without Sherman, Anonymous would be limited to a bunch of hippies holding signs outside of a building, singing songs about how to make peace, not war. Fuck that shit!

However, it should be noted that Sherman is a forefather, not a founder. Anonymous has no founder nor leader. Sherman simply personified the traits of Anonymous, and laid out the tools Anons would use for their own purposes.

Death

Sherman died in 1891, but still wished to bitchslap the Confederates just one last time, which he did: During his funeral, Confederate General Joseph E. Johnston, who was the primary resistance to Sherman during his march through Georgia, did not have a hat while he was attending to his duties as pallbearer for Sherman's coffin. When offered a hat by a friend, Johnston uttered this now-famous quote of irony: "If I were in Sherman's place, and he were standing in mine, he would not put on his hat." Johnston died from pneumonia a month later, catching it from the cold air he neglected to protect himself from during Sherman's funeral. Someplace in Hell, there is a redheaded bastard laughing his ass off.

Achievement earned: From Beyond The Grave (Pwn someone after death.)

External Links

See Also

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