X is not your personal army

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An example of a fail personal army request: "zomg my gf cheated on me with this guy, he is an abuser! go get him internets!"
"No, I'm much more subtle with my destruction of her life. I don't destroy it face-to-face with her. Instead I hire you guys."

In this shiny new era of Web 2.0, it seems almost as if any random faggot has the power to create a powerful social movement. And the seedier parts of the internet have shown an ability to inflict great pain on whoever they deem worthy. Naturally, you think, someone with as much cunning and charisma as you should certainly be able to sway the opinion of these masses, and get them to do your bidding. Right?

Wrong. The Internet is not your personal army.

Throughout time, numerous dipshits have attempted to unite the anonymous hordes in battle. They tried to start raids against their ex-girlfriends, their teachers, their co-workers, their dogs, et cetera - and nobody cared! Why? Simple - they failed to realize that the Internet was not their personal army.

"But this is different," you may say. "This girl really IS a bitch! And she cheated on me with her own cousin! And she sets kittens on fire! And she lied on her tax forms!!1" The fact of the matter is that no one gives a shit. (Maybe about Dusty, but that is a different story.) The Internet doesn't order hundreds of pizzas and thousands of boxes to someone's doorstep out of some sense of justice - frequently the victims of such harassment are gigantic assholes to begin with, but there is a far more important factor that determines the likelihood of a raid actually happening -

Would it be lulzy?

When Hal Turner was taken off the air, everyone laughed. When Alex Wuori ran crying to Fox News, everyone laughed. But why did they laugh? Certainly, these people were idiots. But the difference between Subeta and that little five-person shitpot IRC channel you hate so much is the amount of people who care about it. Subeta was a throbbing tumor in the Internet's colon. It irritated a lot of people. So, natch, a lot of people were amused by its ruination. Whereas your ex-girlfriend doesn't irritate a lot of people - just you. Nobody on the Internet knows who the fuck she is. Nobody on the Internet cares. Why the hell would any self-respecting e-warrior put any effort into fucking with someone when you are the only person who will ever notice or care?

Answer: he won't.

Plain and simple - people raid websites, invade forums, make prank phone calls and order pizzas to people's houses at 3:00 AM because it's funny. Not because they're a part of some super secret internet hacker gang, not because they're the Sacred Protectors of Internet Justice, not because their dark tortured souls cry for the blood of innocents. It's that simple, guys!

So what can I do? You have three options:

a. Swallow it like a loser you are.

b. Man up and deal with the situation face to face (not likely, see a.).

c. Use tor, iMacros and other software solutions to perform a raid of your own (but you are a dumb fatass).

d. Kill yourself. The most likely option, so read more.

Hall of Fail

  • Alex Wuori - "Hey guise I don't like this girl! Raid her for me!" When this was ignored, he proceeded to shit up everything /i/-related for a while. Destroyed shortly thereafter by Anonymous.
  • Ernest Peters - "Hey guise I don't like my English teacher! Raid her for me!" Quickly backfired, resulting in third-degree ruination both publicly and privately.
  • Shane Brown - "Hey guise I got trolled by this girl! Raid her for me!" While the girl in question was clearly a grade-A internet superhero, Shane had repeatedly shown himself to be a butthurt little bitch. Guess who it was more fun to fuck with?
  • Paul Fetch - "Come with me, my YouTube minions! Together we shall defeat Anonymous!" For some reason, his "army" never showed up. But Anonymous sure as hell did.

See Also

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X is not your personal army
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People of Web 2.0

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