Xbox One

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Peoples average reaction after seeing Microsofts E3 conference.

The Xbox One (also known as a television, and Xbox 180) is a children's computer created by Microsoft to better serve those lacking the ability to operate a real computer.


Xbox One Is Done.jpg
Fun is strictly verboten.

Contents

Why PS4 is a better buy

PlayStation has, since 2000, taken the tact of simply adding 1 to the name of the previous console they released, and calling it a day. For this, among many, many other things, PlayStations have been mercilessly mocked. Microsoft apparently got jealous of all the attention Sony was receiving, because they stole the naming scheme wholesale. Still, the originality of the name is in keeping with the utter lack of any innovation the console shows. Other reasons include:

  • When you see an Xbox One, it takes One look at it to realize it's a piece of shit.
  • When you see an Xbox One, you turn 1° and walk over it, smashing it to pieces with your steel toe-cap boots.
  • It was named Xbox One because of the number of sales it will have.
  • You will take One step forward, then 360 steps back.

The controller and consoles have big, colored buttons to help special gamers use it easily, and can even be operated by voice or flailing, if buttons prove too confusing. It sports the most cutting edge technology 2005 has to offer, and is an achievement of design unrivaled by all but the best preschool finger paintings. Upon opening the prototype, it was found to contain the same prowess and features that moved many, including Steve Jobs. Microsoft claims that these ideals were essential in the console's development. In addition, it features an extensive database of voice-recognition software technologies, such as the newly-patented Fart Noise Reduction, which will only work if your anus is pointed directly at the Kinect's camera lens. It was co-developed with researchers in Best Korea, who have called it the "Freest and most flexible piece of technology ever conceived". Perhaps one of its most prominent features is that it comes equipped with a Mountain Dew liquid-cooling system, extremely convenient for most hardcore gamers. Microsoft has yet to specify if the cooled-Mountain Dew is potable. The system has been widely criticized by the NSA, who persist on having mandatory fingerprint and eye retina scanners installed and utilized on the device before being able to power it on, in the interests of "privacy and freedom".

Features

Xbox One Play Television.jpg
Enjoy ur fbi backdoors,faggot
Microsoft conspiracy to force you to scream to continue watching people shoot each other.

Market research must be a strange and confusing process for Microsoft, because they looked at plunging television viewership, and decided that people really wanted to watch TV on their Xbox. They implemented a split screen so you can Skype while still watching Family Guy, and added the ability to watch TV live from a set top box. Perhaps most shocking of all, Xbox has innovated the ability to switch between different media. Now you can watch a movie, and actually switch to a video game! This unprecedented breakthrough fits right alongside the lack of backwards compatibility, mandatory hard drive install, and the required use of Microsoft's surveillance equipment at all times.

The Xbox One Live network is to be entirely separate from the 360 network, which means all games, DLC, and prawn purchased on the 360 network will have to be purchased all over again, which heavily hints at a Semitic influence on the design process. The Microsoft butchers responsible for this soon to be aborted aberration of nature have bragged about the Xbox One's ability to detect the number of people watching a movie on the Xbox One, and charge an additional fee if too many people are watching.

Kinect 2.0

The second iteration of the Kinect picks up right where the last one left off. It is still a transparent tool of Microsoft to spy on its customers, but now can monitor you in stunning 1080p resolution. Unlike its predecessor, it is now required to play the Xbox, and cannot be turned off. Perhaps worst of all, it is now capable of reading your heart rate, so now the company you can'ttrust to do anything right will be collecting and storing medical information about everyone who uses the Xbox One.

Soon after the reveal, news broke that Microsoft had filed patents that protected the concept of interactive commercials. Now, to prevent Burger King from waving its flame-grilled beef in your face, you will have to scream its name, or even worse, put pickle on the beef until it's satisfied you will remember it. Included in these patent filings was protection for achievements for watching television, so that everyone will know you watched all 30 seasons of the Simpsons to earn your “Suicide Watch” achievement.

Reveal

The real winner of the Xbox reveal.
For months leading up to May 20th, Xbox fanboys eagerly awaited the unveiling of the next watered down console they would rabidly defend on the internet, and occasionally even play. They seem to have expected that, having made the Xbox 360 the best selling video game console of all time, they would receive a bigger, better version of the 360. The fans had even named this mythical console, calling it the “720” in their wild speculation and fever dreams. What was revealed to them on the 20th was 0.138% of what they were expecting. What was revealed that day was the Xbox One.

The Microsoft demographers clearly took a hard look at the people using their product, and saw that the only people who did were douchebag sports fans who watch Family Guy and play Call of Duty. They clearly took this information to heart, and designed their reveal accordingly. By all accounts, this assessment is entirely accurate, but the approach is equivalent to revealing a town built for black people by emphasizing the abundance of watermelon and fried chicken available, and the presence of a Cadillac dealership. The journalists at the reveal looked on in stunned silence, and the paid clappers clapped away as the horror show played on. By the time the travesty had ended, Sony stock had shot up, and sales of the WiiU had doubled in the UK. The Wii U's sales have since jumped 875%.


To sum up the revelation
"We'll start over"
No Internets? Use your old 360 you worthless console peasant Spend $40 and upgrade your PC to be twice as fast as an Xbox One while simultaneously joining the master race

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E3 2013

Going into E3, Microsoft was haemorrhaging supporters. Their Orwellian creation had completely alienated the gaming pirate masturbator segment of their market, and barring the marketing peons buzzing about the chans, was reviled by the whole of the internet. Their reveal was universally acknowledged a catastrophe, so here was a chance for Microsoft to humbly limp onto the stage, backpedal from the aggressively voyeuristic casual gamer appeal, and announce a reasonably priced console before they bled out entirely. Nope. They bounded up in front of E3, and with waxy grins bragged about the exclusive games on the Xbox One, while saying absolutely nothing about the shitstorm they had caused with their atrocious DRM, connectivity, and surveillance features.

   
 
I don’t think,… I mean we’re really not going to change anything we've done with Xbox One. We’re very happy…
 

 
 

—Microsoft rep Major Nelson, quite pleased with their console.

   
 
As soon as it was announced there was running up and down the aisles, “woohoo!”.
 

 
 

—Sony developer Scott Rohde, ecstatic over Microsoft's console.

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But it all came down to the price. How much would a deluded Xbox fan have to pay for the privilege of having their every move watched? Five hundred fucking dollars, shit tons more than either of it's competition. At that price, no one would ever use the XBOne, for any reason. Not content with fleecing 12-year-olds for their hard-saved lunch money, Micro$haft also made the hardware in the Xbox 359 Steps Back weaker than the PS4's hardware and the PS4 costs 100 dollars less.

As it turns out, that includes Microsoft. At E3, Microsoft demoed several games on the XBOne, but when they inevitably crashed, a curious thing happened - they crashed to a Windows 7 desktop. When Microsoft staff opened the locked cabinet under the demo screen, it was an overpowered HP PC staring out into the glaring lights, complete with a high end Nvidia GPU, and an XBOne nowhere in sight. So not only did Microsoft not use their own fucking console to demo it's games, they didn't even trust their current operating system (the operating system the XBOne's OS is based on) to run the XBOne's games.

After the infamous console reveal, WiiU sales doubled. After the levels of fail displayed by Microsoft at E3, not only did preorders of the PS4 sell out, but they sold so many more that Amazon had to create a second page, identical to the first, to handle the volume of traffic the PS4 was generating. The XBOne is still available. At this point, the smartest thing Microsoft could do is buy all the Sony stock they can and stay the course.

No surprise here.
The aftermath
Someone didn't have Wifi...

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"Give us back our DRM"

Not being ones to under the fallacies behind having DRM on home console instead of something such as Steam. Xbox One fans rejoiced when a change.org petition was made to return the precious features they previously wanted removed in the first place, aquiring over 9000 (literally) signatures of the 20,000 needed in just two days.

Any Sony fanboy with a braincell immediately started to show their support for Microsoft by signing/commenting on the petition,

   
 
I love restrictions. I want always online DRM. I want the game rental business to become obsolete. I don't want to let my friends borrow games, because fuck them. All I care about is my god damn new age console that'll blow everything else out of the water! Fuck the PS4 and fuck those Sony guys for catering to fans who care about their gaming experience. Fuck PC, that shit is stupid. Steam? Fuck that shit. They never have sales or anything. It's not as affordable as buying my games from the XBL marketplace. I love Microsoft and their business practices will be the best forever. Fuck yes. <3 Xbox.
 

 
 

—-Phukfaic McGee

   
 
ill sign to help ps4 so we have no stupid people on the same console as me
 

 
 

—John from Sonyville

   
 
Please sign this petition. Support retards!
 

 
 

   
 
Just signed... This one is for you Sony <3!
 

 
 

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DRM

When first announced, the Xbox One came so stocked with DRM, it made even the Chinese more than a little nervous. Owners would be required to check in once every day on the internet, or else have their console bricked. If you somehow got friends and wanted to play your Xbox One games on their Xbox One, you would have been forced to pay a small fee, the MSRP of the new game, to do so. When these requirements were announced, gamers felt that they were being robbed of their ability to (illegally) trade, sell, or loan their games to whoever the fuck they wanted. Microsoft, doing what it does best, gave zero fucks and chugged ever closer to the edge of the cliff.

   
 
We have a product for people who can't access the Internet, it's called "Xbox 360"
 

 
 

—Microsoft's Don Mattick, just coming out and saying it.

After getting spanked at their reveal by the Internet, and brutally gang raped, prison style, by Sony and the Internet during E3, Microsoft finally got the message that people like pretending they own video games. So Benevolent Overlord Microsoft saw fit to allow it's customers to play offline whenever the fuck they wanted, and to let you trade games with all your teenage girl friends. This is seen as a good first step in making the Xbox One a viable purchase, the last step being making the Xbox One out of cocaine.

Games

Xbox One Borrowed Game.png

The next in the Call of Duty line of games was announced, prophetically named Ghosts, as no living soul will be buying it. It is built on the same engine, with the same shit look to it, so the only conclusion is that the story and gameplay will be revolutionary and change gaming forever. Ghosts was given a prime position in the Xbox reveal event, and the only thing they had to say was that they put a dog in it, based on scans of a OMG RAEL SCAN OF SEAL DOG!!! The developer interviewed said that you are supposed to care about the dog, which means it dies at the end. Also mentioned are a handful of sports games that look and play exactly the same as they did in 2010, except with a higher number on the box.

A new Halo title was expected, but Microsoft, bent on self destruction, instead announced they were making a live action TV show based on Halo. Steven Spielberg, known for directing a good movie in the 1990s, has signed to produce the series, which is pretty much all that needs to be known in order to write the show off entirely.

Summary

In summary, Microsoft has discovered some obscure loophole in their charter which will allow them to profit enormously from the failure of the Xbox One, Producers style, and is doing it's damnest to fail to sell even one console.


The General Sentiment Regarding The Xbox 1 About missing Pics

See Also


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Xbox One is part of a series on

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