Xenogears

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The first FDA approved game for insomnia.
Nazis? In MY Chinatown?
The perfect storm of mass murder and scientific racism.

Xenogears is a Scientology recruitment pitch for the FailStation that was released by Square in 1998 - only a short time before they secksed Enix Interactive's CEOs and stockholders to become Square Penis. Its combat system was supposed to be innovative and refreshing - so they only made you ride giant BattleMechs half the time, and mash every possible button on the damn controller the other half in order to fire off a deathblow. You spend 60% of the game in cut-scenes and most of Disk 2 is just battles, which makes Xenogears less like a pwn RPG and more like a cheesy strategy game such as "Shining Force."

This is either because the developers were too lazy to really fill the story out or their supply of shiny jewgolds from Square - instead of going toward improving the game to where more than 10 people would want to play it - took the same route as Hurricane Katrina aid money: Church's Chicken, Saints tickets and Crown Royal.

So, to compensate for blowing their wad too early, Square released a money sink that was way too long called "Xenosaga." They tried passing it off as a game only remotely connected to Xenogears, kind of like that long-lost brother who - 20 years after you last spoke to him, and just after you win the lottery - conveniently shows up on your door step asking for enough $$$ to buy a rock of crack.

The music in Xenogears, while composed by the same Jap that made the music for the Chrono Trigger games, sounds like the bleating of a homeless junkie with diarrhea. Officially the most cheaply synthesized cuntbatter to ever grace a video game - even falling in behind the PC version of FF7, which required a special soundcard to not be horrible - it will result in a listener's brain superheating, to melt out through their ears inside of 10 seconds. Thanks for the memories, Mr. Mitsuda . . . rot in hell kkpl0x.

Gamers with 70 > IQ will rant and rave about Mitsuda's "melodic instinct and his emotionally sensitivity", screaming that the soundtrack is "fantastic" and the MOST AWESOMEST thing they've ever heard! As the Xenogears "Creid" was heavily influenced by Irish folk songs, the same guys that would say this likely break Rolling Rock bottles over each other's heads in lieu of shaking hands.

That, and we all know a mick's advice isn't worth a pint of rotten mung, amirite?

After trying to convince people that Xenoqueers is TEH BESTEST VIDYA GAEM there ever was, and sobering up, they all go back to soulboning their favorite XG characters in retarded LiveJournal pages and MUCK postings that look like they were written by spider monkeys on crack.

This, from the country that contributed heavily to the development of the English language. God help us.

Anti-Christian leftards got their panties in a wad because there were too many references to lambs (without Shari Lewis), boy-raping Catholic priests, and the Tower of Babel, which was basically God's idea of a huge-ass pile of Jenga blocks. Christians got their panties in a wad because the game developers were double-teamed up their dick holes by Frederick Nietszche and Richard Dawkins. This almost resulted in the 'Murkan government giving this game the passport banhammer. See Neon Genesis Evangelion and Xenosaga for the same kind of shit where everyone is named after people in the bible, then is called "deep".

The only players that were happy with it were goths; only because while they were tripping their balls off on crystal meth they had hallucinations of Miang slurping on their shafts. Once their highs were gone, however, they realized the wet feeling of spit was actually piss all over their Batman underoos and went to change.

And in an attempt to milk their cash cow even further, Square released a book entitled "Xenogears: Perfect Works" which has a whole bunch of faggy art and minute details of the Xenogears story that no one gives a rat's ass about.

(ZOMG IT'S BEING SOLD ON AMAZON FOR MORE THAN 200 BUCKS?!? For that price, plz to give piktchures of Elly and Kelvena 69'ing each other, kthx.)

DANGER: The Xenoqueers development team has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that Japs are infinitely moar racist - as if they didn't need their obsession with blood types to make that clear already - than your average Americunt, owing to their bending over for Hitler's Fuhrerschnitzel during WW2. Most of the following paragraphs contain gratuitous Nazi references and all sorts of words that sound like they were ripped out of a bad Jodie Foster movie such as "Contact"; "Wave Existence"; "Lambs." To that end, we take no responsibility for any lulz/anti-lulz reactions that might result, blowing up your HDD or causing your eyes to melt into a gooey mass.

Consider yourselves warned.

Characters

  • Fei Fong Wong/Long Dong: An Azn who was subjected to torture and medical experiments by his psycho bitch mother Karen when he was 5 years old. Like the tough kid that he was brought up to be, he didn't WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY about it or anything, but instead developed multiple personalities. Then, he killed his mother which made him even more screwed up than he originally was - from that point on, he's nuttier than FF7's Cloud. His only merit is that he's man enough to fight bare-handed, even punched a fucking dinosaur AND actually fucked his girlfriend (unlike that pussy Squall.) He getsfrozen in carbonite late in the game.
  • Citan Uzuki: Weeaboo with glasses who joins Fei in the first five minutes of the game. He is an officer in Solaris' SUPER SEKRIT Guardian Angels club, and as such, is hell bent on keeping the subway systems of Etrenank safe for little old ladies. Stole Fei's katana; since he's one of the most useless characters in the game, it must be that he's planning to utilize it to commit seppuku. At one point, he fed Fei and Elly Soylent Green but didn't tell them what it's made of until he showed them the factory, for the lulz.

His first name in Japanese is Shitan, pronounced "Shit-On."

  • Elhaym Van Houten / Elly: (I don't know if this was intended for laughs but the character who is most associated with a Nazi style world has a name that translates to Lord/God/God Mother of the Skin in German. Appropriate for a character who is obsessed about her darker then average skin because she lives in an Aryan colony) Fire crotch and Nazi bitch - srsly, she's part of the Hitler Youth (despite failing the requirements for pure genetics - is she, isn't she the daughter of her Jew maid) - that loses control of her BattleMech in the first 15 minutes of the game, crashing in the forest near Fei's village. From then on, she won't leave him alone and develops an attraction to him. This isn't surprising, since she's just as crazy as he is, what with anger management problems . . . a raging identity crisis . . . and an addiction to crack.

She has hawt purple eyes; seriously conflicting loyalties between Fei and these four sluts who - by raising their fists in a Nazi salute - call Captain Planet to beat the crap out of stuff. And she's totally not a relative of Milhouse either but, for the lulz she does have the same last name as one of Charlie Manson's more infamous family members, Leslie Van Houten. Suggest either scenarios to her, and she'll rip your carotid artery out for use as a douche nozzle.

See the resemblance?
  • Rico Banderas: BLATANT FCKING rip-off of Blanka from Street Fighter that spends his time beating the crap out of people who live in the AIDS infested slums of Kislev. Unfortunately, he has no rolling attack or electricity so he fails. He's supposed to be a prince or some crap but his dad shouted "DAMN NIGGA" upon seeing his horrible mutant face at birth, and disowned him. In so doing, the King ensured that no harem of sluts would ever do his son's bidding; there would be no golden crapper constructed for his use; worst yet, he'd have to wait in line at Wal-Mart.
  • Bartholomew (Bart) Fatima: The obligatory flamboyant butt-pirate who is trying too hard to look like Tom Cruise from Valkyrie and has a huge cave, an eye-patch, and a ship named for some tree in Norse legend. The real king of Aveh, but who gives a rat's ass anyway since its a country full of camel jockeys.

His weapon is a whip. With this, he . . . uh . . . whips things into submission, like . .

  • Billy Lee Black: His name is pronounced in Japanese as "Biri Ri Bukkake", which leaves no mystery as to where the white color of his hair came from. He works for the "Ethos", a group of sex-starved Catholic priests that maintain orphanages. They do so for the sole purpose of luring homeless kids in, feeding them Communion wafers, and letting the kids play with Billy's gun.

The waifs either get their brains blown out, or Billy gets his blown out. Either way, it is win and Margie gets to clean a bodily fluid off the floor.

His BattleMech is named "Renmazuo" which means "child molester" in English.

  • Maria Balthasar: Whiny five year old kid that lives on a UFO. She rides a HUEG BattleMech possessed by her worm-food Commie father Nikolai. Its basically the metal equivalent of Msjackie69: an ugly beast that has a hope in Hell of moving without the aid of a forklift, but its scary and easily able to crush kittens. After the first five minutes of having her in your party, you'll wish Mister Rogers would rape her; skullfuck her; draw and quarter her; piss on her remains, and have the whole thing on videotape so guro lovers can promptly handsecks themselves over it.
  • Chu-Chu: OMGZ0R TEH POKEYMANS.
FAP FAP FAP
  • Emeralda Kasim: Freaky little brat with green hair and a nanovagina filled with centipedes. You can make her an adult by . . . well . . . making her a woman. She will get all hot and horny for you, scream that she wants you to hold her, then emit a high-pitched squee - turning into the kid from that old movie "Firestarter." Instead of burning your Johnson off, this ages her by 10 years.

Some speculate that her last name makes her a Muslim. Since she can't speak the white man's language worth crap, and can change her shape at will - thereby being able to turn herself into a boxcutter or C4 if she wanted - that's probably true. However, her talents would best be put toward achieving the title of "Kinkiest and most dangerous tentacle rapist to ever exist."

Others

  • Id: Warning: FAGGOT LEVEL OVER 9000. Imagine Carl Jung, Boy George, Marilyn Manson and Carrot Top creating a mantrain with each other. Then imagine every emo within 1,000 miles of them flocking to the site of the unholy union. They slit their wrists, bathe the four in blood. Then, through Cthulhu's demonic power, the four become a red-haired dickspit with hepatitis.

Give the man-love bastard child a BattleMech, wash it thoroughly in the emo blood, tack on a big pair of Day-Glo wings and... voila!

  • Hammer: Useless and unimportant faggot that got mutated into a big rat. You meet him in the same slum where you find Rico, giving men hand jobs for cash. Unlike his namesake, he has no kewl silk pants.
Schizo dad's attempt @ a Guy Fawkes mask. Just so you can tell he's hardcore.
  • Wiseman: Fei's father; AMAZING at soloing the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine.

Spends half of his time as Khan (which means he just might be related to that dude from Star Trek who spends his time commandeering starships and blowing stuff up), a pussy in white who wants to put Fei in his hugbox, and the other half of his time as Grahf - an emo dipstick in black that wants to give the universe's wrist a cut down the road.

Between him and Karen its hard to tell what side of the family Fei got his major malfunction from.

  • The Elements: Elly's lesbian commando dance troupe. Composed of two ganguro girls, a Troll doll named Seraphita, and the desperate-for-work MegaMaid from "Spaceballs." They ride in BattleMechs with bad ass sounding names like "Bladegash" and "Marinebasher." Unfortunately for many sex-deprived basement dwellers, the player never gets to see any of their tits.
  • Ramsus: Solaris officer whose only purpose in life is to commit yaoi twincest with Fei; like FF7's Cloud Strife in that he's another tough and battle-hardened Soldier in need of an industrial strength hugbox. He spends half the game wangsting about his lot in life as genetic miscreation. Will he end up like Full Metal Jacket's Private Pyle and massage his chin with a bullet after the pain of always being picked last for Bravo Company's dodgeball games becomes too much to bear? Or will he go the Rambo route and just kill everything? No one knows except the Elements, and they're not telling.
  • Cain: The Fuhrer of Solaris, who like Darth Vader lives behind a mask and a suit. Unlike Hitler, he's too much of a pushover and nice guy so he gets offed by the head bad guy Krelian (Xenoqueers' version of Sephiroth) near the end of the game.
  • Krelian: Certifiably insane and does all these crazy experiments to create mutated Mudkips, kind of like Joseph Mengele. According to the game, even though he tried to kill everyone he was the best guy alive - therefore engaging in moral relativism and echoing the sentiments of Will Smith when he said Hitler could come to his house for a BBQ and six pack any time.

There's also a goth bitch with purple hair in the game, but no one cares about her. She dies anyway because Ramsus gives her a Hawaiian Dicking with his katana.
SIEG HEIL MEIN DEUS

Story

Short version

Fei almost kills everyone in his dump of a village, and almost kills Elly in the process. Elly almost kills Fei when she finds out. Bart almost kills Fei, Elly almost kills everyone, a group of old geezers almost die but become part of an intarwebs disco ball. Elly's father almost kills Fei. Ramsus almost kills Elly. Elly almost kills everyone again. Cain kills Fei AND Elly, but they come back to life twice so he really almost killed them, but the story is so disjointed you see it in reverse. Miang almost kills an entire country, Ramsus almost kills Miang, Krelian not-almost-kills the disco ball, and Grahf almost kills Fei.

Basically, if Pulp Fiction were an AIDS-ridden male whore addicted to heroin, Xenogears would be the fifth drop of its bloody cumshot - which can never finish.

Long version

Dickless Wonder Boy divides his village by zero and nearly reduces Elly to a carcass of smoldering diarrhea in the process. After Fei broke his dick with a Fleshlight five years ago - resulting in its pointing hard to the left ever since - the old guy told him to stay away from any and all machines. Fei, being a dumbass, didn't listen. Good going, jizz wipe.

After finding Elly, and persuading her to not make you be dead and stuff, you'll find that the game progresses through a fight in the Thunderdome to reclaim a country of camel jockeys from its dictatorial ruler, and the flying failhovel known as Kislev, where Rico make surprise man sexy-time with anyone in his cell block unlucky enough to drop the soap.

Then - after Bart rolls 3d6 + 10 to successfully ACCIDENTALLY YOUR GOLIATH - comes a trip to an oil rig captained by the offspring of Wicket the Ewok and SapphyDracases.

Religion, an opiate for the masses? NO WAI!

Solaris, which can only be accessed after you force it to decloak, is kind of like a cross between the international space station and Detroit. The only difference is, instead of running on the Energizer Bunny's lithium battery or auto manufacturing, it requires a steady diet of cremated Jew. Its official language, of course, is Moonspeak. So, our resident she-wolf of the SS (who has held jobs ranging from two dollar cockslut to concentration camp guard) is now to be employed in another capacity: Closed captioning system for the mentally impaired.

What would you ever do without her?

After a bunch of QQ'ing, soap opera garbage, and a nice long breath of Zyklon B, Elly's parents die. You killed them because you're a nut job.

bai bai. GGNORE.

The financially castrated second disk features such crazy stuff as a building that transforms into a SUPER TURBO ULTRA INFINITY LEVEL POWAR BattleMech, and Solaris' crowning military achievement of . . . a giant rolling scrotum with cactus spikes?!? Of extra special note is a giant collection of AIDSflesh made of sick zombies and puke, which seems to exist for the sole purpose of proving dildo digesters liek Alex Jones right about the Red Cross implanting us all with microchips.

Your Battlemechs all evolve into new ones - well, except for Emeralda's, since she fails.

Fei is revived by an Admiral Ackbar look-alike named Taura; upon stepping out of the bacta tank does he thank the fish for saving his life? NO. He ogles Elly's naked body and (prophetically) dreams of raping her senseless. What an ungrateful son of a bitch.

The game ends with a LSD trip worthy of Timothy Leary, snake-on-man beastiality, and Elly pegging Krelian to death.

Fun fact about Krelian: His character is actually a reference to an old novel called "Childhood's End."

Religious Faggotry and Pseudo Intellectual Drama

When this game was first introduced in America a lot of butt hurt quickly followed with Christians starting letter writing campaigns and phoning their local governments and Muslims blowing up buildings and killing 3 year-olds on pre-school playgrounds because they felt that the world would become corrupted and end because the slant eyes portrayed God, suggested God might be an ancient computer that fell from the sky and created everything. Many of them, the ones that knew how to write and could use a computer, headed straight to message boards for the game and caused 13 year old Nietszche quoting, pseudo intellectial, Emo fucktarded atheists to have aneurysms and cry while they quoted over and over that this is proof that religions are the stoopid and were owned before they even started because they missed the parts where the game preaches against the tyrannical hold that religions want to choke people with and this behavior from them makes the game's point. The irony of this is that the religious faggots could easily be shut up by telling them that this was only "A" god and not "THE" GOD because the whole intro shows people existing long before this computer, machine thing landed and started getting to work creating the world. Unfortunatly, Pseudo Intellectuals rarely, if ever can follow a plot long enough to come to any conclusion and were never able to arrive at this conclusions because it was never spoon fed to them.

Fanfics

The Xenogears fanfiction community is composed of - in order of prevalence - the batshit insane and their many personalities, 13 year old Fei/Elly shippers, and hippie cockwanks who think they're cool because they write about metaphysical garbage. Much like the Final Fantasy 7 community, it is a thriving cesspool of barf - containing everything from Fei x Bart yaoi to Chu Chu beastiality. There are a few funny ones, like Dinner with Shitan but most of it is either tl;dr or - like the following - an open invitation to gouge your eyes out with a serrated spoon.

 
 
Beware: I enjoy Sigurd/Bart brotherslash. Currently none of these have it, but it will happen.
 

 

—Tekenduis, making his own end-of-the-world prophecy.

 
 
Maybe it was the scars that made Billy stay. Not that Bart wasn't enough to keep him there, or Sigurd, moon-colored hair pressed to Bart's shoulder, one eye closed in the dark. So maybe it was the scars. Or maybe it was Sigurd's hands on them, long fingers tracing the delicate webwork down Bart's back. Maybe it was the sounds they were making, soft and muted over the hum of the Ygg's engine. Maybe it was the motion in the shadows between them, Bart's body jerking and relaxing, sinking down into Sigurd's lap, the way his toes spread and curled as he started to move.
 

 

—Creole, valiantly rising to the task and bringing about doomsday. SWEET BABY JESUS WHYYYY?!

 
 
However, once in a while I get these strong urges to insanity, (possibly caused by a destructive alternative personality that I don't know about), one of them produced "It's my body" This particular insanity however is not of my own volition. Most Xenogears fans we have spoken to hate Chu Chu, Sundel, JuneMermaid, Mist and I are no exception.

If you've been visiting the Xenogears: God and Mind messageboard recently, you'll know that Sundel, Mist and JuneMermaid have all decided that it would serve the annoying pink fluffball right if it came to a very sticky end. And so Mist, very kindly volunteered yours truly to write an account of said sticky end.
 


 

—Dark, reminding us all that they just don't charge as much for Prozac as they used to.

And the piece de resistance from Soemele, Botched Resurrection. This rhapsody of vomitude is somewhat more disturbing than "Agony in Pink", but nowhere near the level of "Raping Little Suzy."

 
 
You can’t die yet!” he screamed, grabbing her hair to pull her face from the pile of shit and blood. “I think I finally got it right this time!” When he pulled back on Miang’s hair, her scalp pulled away from glinting white skull with a squeal of tearing skin As the skin peeled away, he saw a jagged hole in the bloody bone, pushed in by the impact of her head against the wall. Between the plates of broken bone atop her skull he saw the faintest pulse of pink. He crawled back on top of her cooling body, and as he did so he could faintly feel her rasping breathing as life slowly left her. After pushing her bloody red and purple scalp up, between her legs, through her torn-open vagina and into her ruptured uterus, he prodded at the opening in her skull with his fingers and was gratified as it gave way, opening a path to the mucus soaked jelly meats of her mind. Before the thought was even completed he was there, forcing his shit-covered cock through the hole, raping apart whatever had survived the torture. As he thrust into her brain, chunks of gray matter overflowed and dripped down around his prick. He grabbed her face with both hands, using her nose and mouth and eyes as handles with which to fuck her mind away. He sawed her head back and forth, fingers digging into her purple eyes and crushing them in her skull, tearing more teeth from her ruptured jaw. Her ears began to flop loosely to the sides, no longer attached to her skull by scalp, and as he mercilessly tore her head back and forth her vertebrae began to rupture. He pulled his prick from her brain and, with a savage scream, twisted her head completely around until she was facing him.
 

 

—Someone is going to fap to this. I just know it.

Now excuse me while I go puke up my lungs, kplzthx.

Perfect Works

tl; dr. available here for anyone who understands Moonspeak.

Videos

Lulzy Power Rangers/Voltron rip off (those Jewtube fags took the first link down):

Gallery of Xenofail

Links

Xenogears: God and Mind
Bunch of remixed Xenoqueers music.
MIDI music that sounds almost exactly like the original.
Botched Resurrection.
ZOMG RAMSUS HAVING AN ORGY WITH THE ELEMENTS?

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