Yaminoeyes

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HOND Spanking by Yaminoeyes.jpg
However much she is asking for it, she is definite DO NOT WANT material. Note the armpit hair and manly face. Wait, is this Chris Kattan?

At first glance, Yaminoeyes looks like yet another ordinary tartlet with as much talent as a 6 year old learning how to draw circles. However, this lolcow has quite the story to be told. The case in a nutshell: 24 year old batshit ugly cunt of an otaku girl who lives with her parents, went to an art school, self published a book, and believes she'll make of herself a great artist by raping Final Fantasy and Disney fandoms.

How it started

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It all started with a thread on Something Awful. On February 13, 2008, a topic titled "How my best friend became a Professional Author and a Great Artist", initiated a lollercaust of 30 pages before it was closed.

"I met Jenny in the sophomore year of high school. We were both lonely, odd little geeks and we became best friends quickly; for the next three years we did everything together. Mostly embarrassing geeky things--we ran a Geocities anime fansite, hung out at the mall dressed like bargain-basement vampires, wrote Harry Potter slashfic--but we were kids, you know? We had tons of fun at the time and we really bonded.

After high school, I went to college in Seattle and she and her family moved to California. We still kept in touch by Livejournal and email and were still as close as we could be. But very gradually I started to notice something was... strange. I'd write her emails about "my classes are hard, I met this cool guy at a party, work was weird yesterday," and she'd write back about "these are some anime characters I think have sex with each other." She never wrote anything about what she was actually doing in California. (...)"

The goon continues the story, explaining how she went to visit Jenny (Yaminoeyes), and was welcomed into a house that smelled of cat urine by a psychotic delusional bitch who didn't bathe for a week, would only talk about anime, fanfictions, and how Sephiroth would get some buttsecks in her next fanfic.

On the last day of the visit, her friend talked to her about the future, and how sooner or later, every otaku needs to get their own job and earn some money, unless they're expecting mom and dad to pay for the Internet and Final Fantasy toys for the rest of their lives. But Jenny already knew what she was going to do:

Soon, drama erupted between the two once great friends, to the point where Jenny dropped this message on her ex-friend's LJ:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue
your shit can kiss my ass
So it's come to pass
That I don't want to see you

We're not done here.


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Being Fucking Creepy

At 24-years-old, she and her boyfriend of 22 are currently pursuing a polyamorous relationship with a 17-year-old high school girl over the internet, who they apparently call "the Ferret", complete with creepy pictures of the girl crawling across the floor dressed up as a catgirl. But it's OKAY, guys, don't worry! The boyfriend, Alex, has carefully checked with any and all statutory-friendly authorities he can find, including, but not limited to:

A cat he found wandering around on the street, the girl's parents, who evidently are hoping he'll take their furry burden away from them, and some guy pretending to be a cop, likely named Billy Joe.

This will end in tears.

Amazing Art

Few tartlets go to college and become more than just Naruto fanartists or Sonic recolorists. Especially art schools. Often expensive, the price to pay for good education and a good career in Graphic Arts is generally higher than their PayPal balance. Therefore, we should expect Jenny's art to be of supreme quality, right?

After all, she's in school, with her parents paying 30,000 dollars per year, so she can become a talented animu artist!

The Book

This is Tortuga?
I think so.

Her art sucks. Maybe she can make up for this fact by writing novels, achieving the same fame as the author of Harry Potter. After all, she does have her own self published novel for sale, right here. She paid $500 for it to get published. Her writing is described on Amazon as "figurative language which is like someone threw up after eating imagery soup." Here are some of the quotes found in the book:

  • "The sea was upset like a stomach. The sky was moving like bowels. The ship was in between."
  • "Whereas his partners' hair resembled pressed velvet of the blackest make, his hair resembled fire and kindling having copulated and born his mane of unruly tresses, tied, but not controlled with old string."
  • "My name is Erik Sainteté-Obscurité, this is my fiancée, Lucreta Chiaroscuro."
  • "And what does the man who stitched together with old, putrid string do to save a poor, helpless little slattern--?" Rufus's speech was cut short by Ellena's elbow hitting his gut and breaking a rib. "Slattern this!" she yelled, apparently bored with his rantings.
  • "It lied! My mother lied! Where in the nine hells can it be?" he heard Seifirote scream as he ascended the stairs. "Lies! Lies! All lies!"
  • "Skye's hair grew in natural spikes, even when washed and brushed. Three days of a high fever made it resemble a mess left by a dog that had vomited up a pile of wicker."
  • "I have never known a man who'd rather kiss my lips... at least not those on my face. Though they never truly touched."
  • "Above the mass of moving boneless limbs was half of what could have once seemed partly human. Its mouth had no lips and was filled with threes sets of teeth shaped like needles. More tendrils, also writhing, were braided down the back of its head. The tendrils writhed over withered breasts, not long enough to cover the nipples, which resembled hungry maws of remoras."
  • "The man who had gone beyond death had given the key to his life to the woman who refused to be held down and was now bound to rock and chain, and mermaid stained lips touched those of a siren."
  • "She was also laughing with a screech like a peacock in heat. The image of the haughty bird dressed in beautiful plumage, but with the brains of it’s turkey cousin fitted the woman. Another image entered Cloud’s mind, this one far more appealing: the woman sharing the fate of the peacock, to be roasted over a large fire, dripping juicy fat."

A+ work, would read it again.

How does such genius start, you ask? Well, let's just say from very, very, very humble roots. Fanfiction to be exact. Yes, it seems Mermaid's Song and Siren's Kiss (wtf ever) started as just another Final Fantasy VII fanfiction--of the same name, just with a few names switched around and a cut down on her poorly conceived verbose. The fanfiction of this name can found in it's entirety here. Note: Go to "Me, if you care" and then "Fanfiction." You'll see it immediately.

The book itself had one person who really liked it on Amazon (and the comment on that review simply says "is this review a joke?"), while 3 others gave reviews similar to this one:

"It's a global search & replace of an existing Final Fantasy 7 fanfic that the author wrote. What possessed her to try to publish a thinly-veiled fanfiction is beyond me, but I'm going to guess it's something like being a lazy, arrogant rich kid. Just a guess, mind you. So, beyond the fact that the story is a complete waste of time for everyone involved and the author should be ashamed that she ever tried to get it published, let's move on to the actual bulk of the story.

As I said, this is a global search and replace. That's why we've got such characters as "Gamba Dumey", aka "Gamba Dumey Wallace", who's referred to in every instance by his full name(although he drops the Wallace, perhaps because he doesn't want to be too formal). There's also "Seifirote", whose name is, according to the character index in the beginning, "meaningless"(oh if that doesn't sum up this book), and who's totally NOT a cheap thinly veiled pirate-flavored ripoff of Sephiroth. Who else in this cast of merry characters? Diana, who's certainly not Tifa. Especially not some Bizarro-Tifa who's a cheap slut reminding us with Every. Single. Line. That she gets paid to have sex with people.

So, dear gentle reader, if you'd rather read this bad fanfiction without having to pay the author money for her piss-poor search & replace job, go here and enjoy. http://ironmouse.za.org/darkness/Me/Fanfics/FFVII/Pirates/Index.htm

And please, for the love of all that's good, go buy a real book. I can even suggest a couple."

Ironically, a few years later someone had the exact same idea and made a ton of money off it.

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[...and then there was a gay orgy.It was a dark and stormy night...]

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Featured article August 3, 2009
Preceded by
Defcon
Yaminoeyes Succeeded by
The Real Chris Chan‎