Zoom angel

From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Just ignore the watermark, this really is Zoom angel!

Zoom_angel is the name of an unfortunate attention whore who frequents the message boards of an internet dating site called NZDating. She seems to be either some regressive breed of emo or a wannabe goth, as she gives her location as "in my coffin waiting for nightfall."

Her lovingly crafted yet mind-numbingly retarded profile states: "yiasou ti kanis ego Kala im a 18 year old tall attractive uni student," which loosely translates to "I am an obese Russian truck driver with girly pictures on my profile, hur hur!"

Her activities on NZD were typified by hysterical emo-esque rants at others, claims she is a model, and tales of her binge-drinking and having her shitty stereo confiscated by the police.

It came to light that the shitty fake photos she used on her profile were of a porn star named Yolanda. The porn star also has a video clip linked to the main site which shows Yolanda having a shower in her underwear. She appears to be wearing a maxipad in her panties while showering.

Zoom_angel has recently uploaded a swag of new pictures to her profile following the discovery of her fraudulent activities. Doubtless these will soon be outed by the horny male populace of NZDating as they continue their neverending search for good smut on teh Internets.

Some more tasty morsels

OH NOES! The hat makes him so fearsome!

The more internets-savvy people of NZDating (all three of them) quickly attempted to out the shit-licking attention whore for what she was, claiming that her profile pictures were false. As even a complete noob would know, this is tricky business on the net.

She was asked to prove her identity by meeting up with one of the more vocal male members of the site to prove that she was not in fact just another hideous interweb gutter slug; of course she refused, but after much pressure from the other message board dwellers, she agreed to the meeting., so long as she could bring along her two German shepherds and a rough'n'tough biker from some half-assed pussy tricycle appreciation club (Satan's Slaves). Presumably this was for her 'protection'. Unsurprisingly, the meeting never happened, though she posted many pictures of the obscenely fat biker pussy, claiming she knew him. Unfortunately, the poor job of photoshopping the NZ flag and Wellington colours on the hat rather let the illusion down.

His picture was found on the gang's site. Rumours suggest that she did in fact know the gang... intimately, after they stretched her on the back of a burnt out Dodge and reamed every orifice vigorously for several hours. This was the only way they would let her post pictures on the net.

Zoom, or Marika as her dateless, horribly malformed sycophants wanting to get into her imaginary pants know her, claims to have come from Greece, Liverpool and numerous other locations in Europe. She is currently in New Zealand, Wellington, living with her white trash mother, sucking the life out of the poor old hag.

Suicide Threats

Like any good attention whore, Zoom, or Marika, or Helana (apparently her name IRL) has recently 'attempted' suicide, which causes her to generate massive amounts of FAIL,complete with an e-note designed to garner e-guilt. After her pornstar pictures were outed on a thread and she was yet again made the laughing stock of the site, Zoom used one of her coterie of patsies to send a suicide note to the thread starter:

 
 
that silly teen girl did try and kill herself last night

yes it is attention but she only ashley simpson's age
and she confused not wanting to die!
shes in hosp
 


 

Oh the angst! Woe! Death follows on gossamer wings, hiding in my nightshade angst while wolves howl from my gaping ass! Apparently the thread author's only regret is that Zoom obviously did not attempt to kill herself, as she was posting away again the very next day like the shit-whore that she is.

Are you jealous yet?

If not, just read from Zoom herself just what an average evening entails:


   
 
i have a big bottle of rum some pot and two sexy bi chick one 16 the other 17.
 

 
 

 
 
and in a lovely home be it mums and 25 guys phone numbers to choose from also be it most are out of town but there are a couple of yummy ones from welly shit yeah i love being a loser its awesome beat being a winner like you alco sciatica
 

 

Golly darn cripes! Sounds like fun huh? Just think of the number of interesting diseases one could collect in just one evening! You could be the envy of all your emaciated crack-whore 'friends'! In fact, you probably wouldn't even remember a thing -- only the lingering agony in your anus and the burning yoghurt you pee the next day would give you any inkling of the fantastic merriment from the previous evening!

Typical zoom_angel quotes

   
 
ferking idoit


 


 
 

   
 
i'll set my two huge german shepherds on you


 


 
 

   
 
yeah whatevar loser im going to make out with my hot girlfriend you loser


 


 
 

   
 
i was once put on the block by a gang of bikers and loved every sweaty second of it OH GOD YES


 


 
 

   
 
i also like some of the writers from the twentieth century like Anne Rice Steven King Aleister Crowley and Aldous Huxley. im not thick at all and consider myself intelligent


 


 
 

   
 
[Lie
 

 
 

—" I once won a smart contest

Recent Incarnations

Like any good NZDating junkie, zoom had re-invented herself many times over INCLUDING a new fictional "sister"!! Now, as well as being able to tease the hordes of seriously deluded males who believe being nice to a fake chick will help get into their pants, she can now use the "younger single sister" to double the fun!! Imaginary 3-somes are now on the menu!

It is widely accepted that the porn star "Belladonna" (she with the huge gap in her teeth and accommodation bung-hole) wants her name back.

It seems that zoom has learnt to steal pictures that aren't so obviously from porn sites and now is jacking some poor girl's blog. The "headless" nude shots though continue to impress with at least 5 different, identifiable bodies being downloaded onto her profile.

See Also

Portal icon whores.gif

Zoom angel is part of a series on

Whores

Visit the Whores Portal for complete coverage.