Andy Schlafly

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Andy Schlafly, aka The Assfly, controls CP from home.


   
 
I do teaching writing
 

 
 

—Schlafly, the educator


Paranoid, sexless and failed engineer / politician / lawyer / teacher / human being Andy Schlafly is the creator and absolute monarch of Conservapedia, which is like Wikipedia only more charming since everyone wears their bias on their sleeve. Like every good Republican, Schlafly uses defamation as a weapon of choice against his sworn enemies: liberals, intellectuals and experts.

At Conservapedia, Schlafly vomits all his opinions and insights, offering his version of a perfect world. Obviously, this includes denigrating Black Jesus, opposition to Health Care reform, bigotry, intolerance towards minorities, promotion of creationism, censorship of liberals, homeschooling, hypocrisy towards homosexualism, moar guns, anti-lulz and other conservative characteristics and traits.

In 2007, Schlafly shared the Nobel Prize for Racism with Metapedia founder Anders Lagerström.


Andy B.C.(Before Conservapedia)

Cathy Kosarek looks at her husband with utmost disdain


Family

Andrew "Andy" Schlafly is the scion of Phyllis Schlafly and St. James the Less. He has five siblings: Roger (a godless mathematician), Liza, Ann, Bruce and John, who is a faggot.

Andy's mom is best known as one of the high priestess of the American fundamentalist conservative movement. Prior to that, she had joined the Republican party and ran, unsuccessfully, for a Congressional seat in Illinois in 1952. In 1970 she made a second try at running for a Congressional seat, but lost once again. She is a bitter opponent of women's liberation, despite having benefited from the freedom to obtain law degrees and run for public office. Since she realized that she wouldn't be special anymore if other women started gaining power, this lovely lady is generally given credit for the ERA's eventual failure.

File:Old People - Naked Old Lady.jpg
Old Phyllis in 2008, still horny

Although she was often accused of spreading false and misleading information about what the ERA would entail (just like her son Andy does about everything else), her arguments apparently were effective in persuading many women to vote against it. Later, she founded the Eagle Forum, an organization for conservative women.

Andy united in marriage in 1984 with Cathy Kosarek, but no one cared.

SPAWN

Somehow or other, Andy managed to spawn a second, smaller entity, colloquially known as Andy Junior. Of course he was immediately promoted to sysop on Conservapedia [1], being obviously more deserving than the handful of contributors that have actually devoted hours of effort to the site (on weekends they also like to repair the railings on sinking ships). Andy Jr. is ghey for Fuckabee and thinks Chuck Norris is not OLD MEME [2], proving him as much a moron as his parent, although similar pedophilic tendencies have yet to be seen.

Andy's daughter Phy Schlafly is also a CP sysop. Talk about nepotism.

Persona

   
 
andy schlafly is an idiot
 

 
 

—Google

Andy: opposite of success

Andy has one of the awesomest records of failing in both RL and OL. He first became an engineer, but failed miserably at that. Then he studied law, but failed again. He has since become a "teacher" of homeschooled kids when he wasn't able to get a decent job. He believes that giving his "students" A's just for agreeing with him makes them better educated than kids who go to real schools.

In between, Andy sought the Republican Party nomination for the House of Representatives in the 1992 elections. He amounted only 11% of the votes and just like his mom, he lost the election. It's in the blood.

To consummate a completely failed life, Andy has become a resentful man who simply can't stand the fact that a nigga is the commander-in-chief of the United States military. As a conservapedian, he's spending the last years of his life convincing himself that his laughable project exerts some influence on the public. We can only think of the poor idiot discovering new "insights", writing crappy essays and rewriting the Bible, as he drinks a mug of cocoa that leaves a brown mustache over his upper lip.

Beliefs

ASchlafly 1.jpg

Schlafly is an advocate of Young Earth Creationism, a funny but ultimately demented doctrine claiming that the universe was created out of thin air over 6 days by an invisible space wizard 6000 years ago and that the first two humans where made out of dust and a rib.

He's also a racist, although he tries to look the opposite in public, specially at his blog. On the contrary, his contempt for gheys and his anti-liberal views are his standards.

Whatever his beliefs, Schlafly is determined to pervert and atrophy the minds of young people who enter his realms of obscurity, willful ignorance, and proud American stupidity.

That fucking voice of his

Andy Schlafly has a fucking weird voice. This explains why he keeps most of his ideological confrontations to the net, since when you sound like a diarrhea-gargling muppet having its throat stood on, you automatically lose any argument. Behold.


   
 
Who?
 

 
 

—Richard Dawkins, when told about Schlafly's smear tactics against him

Typical Schlafly Argument

Andy: Bongabill, you're clueless. The 18-45 population of Hollywood certainly can be compared with the 18-45 general population as to incidence of disease. I doubt you've taken half the statistics courses that I have. You have typical liberal style in trying to intimidate. --Aschlafly 14:35, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

User: Mr. Schalfly, actually, I am a professional statistician with both graduate and post-graduate degrees in the subject, and also a 34 year professional career as a statistician working for the official statistics bureau of a major nation. [...] I'm afraid there's absolutely nothing correct here with any of your reasoning, which not only fails Statistics 101, but fails it in the first semester. This article is specious nonsense. --Bongabill 14:59, 4 May 2008 (EDT)

Andy: Bongabill, we don't fall for the unproven claims of credentials here. Wikipedia might be a better home for you. Your claim is absurd that no conclusions can be drawn from comparing disease incidence among Hollywood types to the general population. Tell me, did you work for the tobacco industry also in denying that cigarettes cause cancer? --Aschlafly 15:13, 4 May 2008 (EDT) (sauce)

The Creation

"And from the heavens came Conservapedia..."

By 2006, the idea of a "family-friendly" encyclopedia that could dethrone Wikipedia finally materialized, and thus Conservapedia became a kind of anti-liberal cloaca where Schlafly and his dogs constantly throw in their biased feces. Conservapedia has been trying to increase its amount of entries by plagiarizing loads of articles from almost every online encyclopedia available, only adapting the content for their depraved purposes.

However, at first Schlafly wholly misunderstood how the Internets function, making legal threats to every vandal and even reporting one of them to the FBI. He was ignored, of course, but he didn't learn his lesson: later, he baselessly accused RationalWiki of copyright infringement, just to be pwnt once again.

This time, he did learn his lesson, and after suffering those wounds on his ego, Schlafly and his acolytes are only dedicated to attack every single thing they regard as "liberal" or "deceitful". The result is that Conservapedia has become a blog, and most people that create accounts there are (1) parodists, (2) arguing with sysops to amuse themselves, or (3) preparing a major attack. Evidence of this is the almost lack of edits in their Recent Changes page. Just compare ED's Recent Changes and CP's. However, they're tireless proclaiming "This site is growing rapidly!". You should know, Schlafly, that every lie is another brick in the pathway to hell.

After many months of most (all?) new accounts being vandals, parodists and people laughing out loud, on 1 November 2010 Conservapedia switched from open account creation to registration via e-mail requests for accounts.

Recently, they are back to letting you register after a captcha screen, since the email route denied Andy his admitted pleasure in banning liberals and other vandals.

Typical Conservapedia entry.

The Colbert Report

Andy was recently on the Colbert Report, where frothy diarrhea continued to surge out of his mouth and on to the set of communist faggot, Stephen Colbert. The flow intensified as Andy cocked his head back and laughed, issuing forth the sound of one-thousand industrial strength black person dicks slapping against the foreheads of as many white college girls. What a weird laugh.

Pact with Satan

Some liberals hold that a very embittered Schlafly made a pact with Satan in 2008, following Obama's win. This is a transcription of the diabolical document, allegedly found at his home in New Jersey:

We, the influential Lucifer, the young Satan, Beelzebub, Leviathan, Astaroth and Beck (who raped and murdered a girl in 1990), together with others, have today accepted the covenant pact of Andrew Layton Schlafly, who is ours. And him do we promise the love of women, the flower of virgins, the respect of experts, honors, lusts and powers. He will go whoring three days long; the carousal will be dear to him. He offers us once in the year a seal of blood, under the feet he will trample the holy things of the church and he will ask us many questions; with this pact he will live twenty years happy on the earth of men, and will later join us to sin against God. Bound in hell, in the council of demons.

Lucifer, Beelzebub, Satan, Astaroth, Leviathan, Beck

The seals placed the Devil, the master, and the demons, princes of the lord.

Baalberith, writer.

Fun Facts

Andrew Schlafly Chafely (not John Schlafly)
  • Has a horseshoe testicle (two testicles fused into one).
  • Favorite film is Yentl.
  • His older brother John Schlafly is a homo [3]. Andy himself pretends to hide the fact on Crapedia.[4]
  • Expelled from the "Society of the Divine Word" for unknown reasons.
  • A fan of Cher and Starship.
  • Andy believes God to have promised that he can break open one of the Seven Seals come Judgment Day. The details are yet to be firmed up with the Lamb, but Andy has his fingers crossed for the sixth and fondly imagines himself tearing it wide open with a fearsome cry of "Godspeed!" He has been known to spill his seed during these daydreams, but God assured him that it's OK if he's only fantasizing about smiting, and hasn't touched his pee-pee in a bad way.
  • Andy thinks that it's okay to ignore portions of the Bible if they're too liberal, because clearly they aren't the authentic literal word of God, but rather additions from human editors. [5]

Related articles

External Links


Andy Schlafly
is part of a series on
Christianity
Badass jesus.jpg
Blessed by God [-+]
Beliefs, Events, Traditions and Other Drama [-+]
Pissing Off the Almighty [-+]
Heathens [-+]