Bleach is an anime series, with over three hundred and sixty six episodes and counting, with a name that makes no sense. The only reason we have an article is that hordes of angry waps like to argue about the name and draw cartoons of the fourteen-year-old orange-haired girl with giant tits. It is the epitome of self-aggrandizing, masturbatory power-fantasy material, beating the epic Naruto due to the fact that 13 year olds would rather identify with an adolescent boy than some Awesome ninja. Bleach follows a simple but effective 'expanding fetish-focus' formula for luring in the asinine punters, to be found in an increasing amount of animu and mango.
Even the fans don't like it anymore
Bleach has grown so bloated, tired, and unoriginal that even the franchise's hardcore fantards are beginning to awaken to the fact they're wasting precious moments of their ever-so-short short lives watching the exact same story told over and over and over again with different backgrounds and more homoerotic posing.
In terms of anime series with no plot, endless fight scenes, and a fuckwit loyal fanbase finally awakening to the reality of the Matrix, the only thing worse than Bleach is Naruto.
How to make a shit ton of cash
Want to make a shit-ton of cash for yourself? Follow these simple steps and you can make your own variation of Bleach without getting Party Van'd by the Copyright police:
1: THE PUPPET
Begin your shitty series with a protagonist utterly devoid of personality or interesting visual features in a comparatively interesting fantasy setting. He must be male, homophobic, NEVER brown, and between the ages of 13 and 18. Got a good idea for your guy? Fucking scrap it. Your protagonist must be a 'catch-all,' uninteresting enough to allow the average teenage dolt to place himself in his shoes. Don't let him talk too much or express insight: anything that you might deem interesting will alienate or intellectually challenge members of your solid fan base. Stock emotional responses and the blandest 'special power' ('energy blasts', for example) you can think of should ensure that gormless youths can imprint themselves onto your faceless puppet. Do not develop him and ensure his only motivation is 'protecting his friends' or 'being the strongest.' After all, who the fuck can't identify with that? Oh right, this is ED. Don't forget to make him immortal, like other animes do! Who wants to see someone die every chapter?
2: THE SUPPORTING CAST
Introduce a supporting cast of stock characters. Each one consists of ONE stock archetype OR has ONE noticable personality trait or ability. As your fan-base grows it will begin to include individuals who find it difficult to identify with your protagonist. This could even include more intellectual types who demand character depth, but it probably just involves insipid 'anti-conformists' who react against the stock fan base. They now have a moderately more advanced character to fantasize about being - your fetish net has expanded. These supporting characters cannot develop and any change must be an absolutely predictable one so as to ensure that your fans are unsatisfied but not disappointed. However, make sure they get into relationships, so Rule 34 is canon.
3: THE TERTIARY CAST
Feel free to repeat this step as many times as you can. Every time you do this your series' longevity is increased. These next set of characters can have TWO distinct features while conforming to stock character archetypes. The comparative depth will allow for an even greater fanbase - now you are now bound to have a character for every teenager to fantasize over. Introduce these characters as villains, give each one an emotional death scene at the hands of the protagonist/ supporting cast and then, right when the fans are suckered in, resurrect them, reverse their motivations and have them join the supporting cast. From this point on do not advance them in anything but the most predictable way.
4: THE OMG SURPRISE TWIST
Now anyone of intellectual deficiency has at least one character they can pretend to be and the vast majority will have two or three. Now it's time to develop the protagonist in a way that will give the core fans, the dolts who were suckered in from the beginning, a screaming orgasm. Note that some will be alienated, but now you have around 50 shitty characters for them to re-align with so it doesn't matter. The 'twist' isn't actually a surprise at all, just give your character an ability that revolves around the following: darkness, evil, spikes, death, the color red, the color black. Feel free to give your protagonist his first facial expression, the kids will fucking love it.
5: THE FUCKING MULLET
No joke, Bleach's shitbag of an author actually has a secret obsession to get nailed in the ass by a drunken redneck in the deep south. Specifically, by Larry the Cable Guy and Robert E. Lee at the same time. Bleach has developed a habit of making the strongest fucking characters have fucking mullets... obviously not trolling, but just for the lulz. Next thing you'll see, they'll be driving a pick-up truck with Ichigo having a wincest-pedo-threesome with his two kid sisters. Fucking great.
Congratulations, you anti-intellectual cunt, you have lowered the artistic expectations of an entire generation and have a house made out of paper-mache'd cash.
Feel free to read the rest of this article if you havn't got the gist of this yet, but I wouldn't bother if I were you. The only badass thing that happens is that Ichigo dies!
...Yeah it isn't that too interesting either, seeing how he godmods.
...Well, there really isn't one. Rather, the "story" of Bleach is just an endless stream of fights with no point, strung together, with the enemies getting gayer looking with each successive fight to trick you into thinking the story is going somewhere. It's worth noting that less than half of the battles even feature Ichigo or his band of queers. The rest are just about stereotypical-looking retards who no one gives a shit about and who have names that are too fucking long.
The battles themselves are much like the ones in Dragonball Z except a thousand times lamer. Some random character will be running along and some other random dumbass will appear in their path for no reason. It'll then cut to a flashback showing the two of them when they were friends over 9,000 years ago. Back in the present, they'll spend about twenty minutes talking on and on and on about how they're gonna kick some of dat ass before sending their swords into god mode, which transforms said swords into mile-long turds or something. For the next 7 episodes they'll wave their swords around before one of them will reveal that they're ONLY USING TWO PERCENT OF THEIR POWER!!!!!!11!!%. The other will scream at them to stop holding back and they'll continue fighting for 20 more episodes before one of them will sustain a cut to the shoulder and die, only to be shown being revived in the next episode. Somehow, despite being death gods who wield magic swords that turn into demons or some other fucking retarded thing, nobody ever manages to get hit anywhere other than the shoulder.
The First of Many, Many Arcs: "Agent of the Shinigami"
Ichigo Kurosaki is a 15 year old boy who can see dead people. Meanwhile, Rukia the Soul Reaper has been dead for 150 years. The two meet when Ichigo is about to get raped by a Hollow, and Rukia tries to give him some of her powers because she got her arse kicked. But, as she is the rare Asian that can't do math, she divided by zero and Ichigo accidentally all of Rukia's Soul Reaper powers and goes all Super Saiyan on the viewing audience. Some believe the size of his huge sword means he's over-compensating for something. One can only wonder what.
The show makes it pretty clear that Ichigo craves the cock and has no intention of taming the vagina, because he not only has Rukia sleep in his closet every night rather than his bed, and with Orihime the walking chestcicle willing to suck his tiny azn dick, not once does he try tapping any of dat ass. Conclusion? He's gay.
After a while of Ichigo and Rukia anally fucking each other for a while, the Soul Society decides to ban Rukia from IRL forever for her shameful math skills. Ichigo, previously having his arse kicked by the faggot Byakuya, is always in search of a good fight like your typical shounen hero and rushes off to save her, along with all his other BFFs who previously mysteriously gained superpowers. From this point forwards, a shit ton of characters join the cast that includes batshit insane captains, flaming fairies that make Chris Crocker look butch and the only known example of anonymous turning furry. Meanwhile Rukia, who was the stereotypical batshit fighting chick whenever a guy peeks at her panties becomes a complete and total emo. We eventually learn she feels troll's remorse for killing her
BFF married lover after he got raped by a Hollow and she was almost raped. BAWWWWWWWWW, how sad for her. This is about the only thing worth remembering from that.
Eventually, we discover no one gave a shit about Ichigo or Rukia, and all this was an elaborate ruse for
Aizen's Superman's evil deed to use ZA WARUDO, and instead of getting an epic battle, Ichigo goes home after Rukia is saved.
...was a lame ass "filler" arc exclusive to the anime, which apparently wasn't even canon to the main story that no one gave a shit about. Its only purpose was to keep Anime-Bleacheads happy while they phaffed around with the Manga. It's probably the best arc though, 'cause Kubo didn't write it.
Basically the arc is about german human/vampire things with eternal life who hate the Soul society for their creation. One of them decides to take revenge after 1000 years for a genocide led by Soul society. Every single one of them except Koga die, and he ends up fucking the old woman who created them all. The two are never seen again. The end.
Few months have passed and Aizen is almost ready to unleash ZA WARUDO, but needs Orihime's powers of the moon to do it. He creates a bunch of Hollow/Shinigami assbabies called the Arrancar and the 10 most powerful are called the Espada who live in a giant mosque named Las Noches because the author needs to up the battle count to make up for the huge amounts of talking so far. Instead of having to sit through Ichigo and company's fights, you'll get to see every captain, leuitenant his uncle and even his dead grandmother battle, or rather talk for the first 10 minutes of every episode. Orihime becomes even moar useless throughout this arc, the only words she's able to say coherently being "KUROSAKI-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN! KUROSAK-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN! KUROSAK-KUN! KUROSAKI-KUN!" over and over again. Even the biggest fans want to stick a gag to get her to STFU. Then maybe fuck her, if she was real.
The arc introduced four "good" Hollows; A toddler who can't control her gag reflex, who turns into a cum dumpster with massive tits who can deal a can of whooparse, a clown with a Tiki mask, a purple-and-white stick man and an Eel. No joking. The only other memorable character from this arc is Charlotte Coolhorn. In a stark contrast to the name, he is a sparkly tranny that will give you nightmares upon looking at his face. Awkwardly enough, he was the only funny character.
After that arc, Kubo also killed off the "deep", blind, tar baby, by having him turn into a penis and then a cricket before griefing the furry captain and getting cut in half. Kubo also made the only other Golliwog person in the anime have the ability to turn into a pumpkin.
Oh yeah, the only useful thing that happened in this arc was that someone had the balls to actually kill Ichigo. That same character apperently ate someone's hand off screen, kidnapped Orihime, and was a total fucking badass altogether until he had to die an emo death. Jesus Christ, Japan.
Since we just finished a hugeass arc, we gonna give something else to shove down our fan's throats! And guess what that means? WE'RE GONNA HAVE TWO MORE ARCS OF THIS SHIT, AND NO ONE'S GIVING A DAMN!
Yes sir, we're gonna have everything a regular manga has, but WITH FUCKING PSYCHICS, ICHIGO GETTING HIS POWERS BACK, AND MORE SHIT YOU'LL EVER NEED. And guess what again? The characters get new looks! And by new looks, I mean HAIRSTYLES. We even got rid of Orihime's hair clips because she got emotionally scarred despite the fact she said she would never take them off! Instead they're clipped to her collar. Uyru looks twice as gay, and Ichigo doesn't look even the slightest bit different. We also have a new lolicon, too!
As well, while we're doing that, we're gonna show how the villains from the previous arc are doing in hell]]!
This section needs more main characters and descriptions, bitches.
Just like every other TV show in existance, Bleach has characters. These are the main, noteworthy ones which last more than 2 episodes, but look here if you really want detailed information about them all, because there are a fuckton of them. No joking.
The main character of the series who is, funnily enough, a poor excuse to make gingers appear totally significant to society since they cannot achieve the hair curling power of Ganondorf and must head towards that of a young, frail possibly bi-curios teenage boy. Unlike gingers, he has a hoarde of women who want to fuck him, but like Ash, he has the emotional threshold of a brick to even notice.
He starts off as a normal human is indoubtly of the dead after meeting Rukai and attains "Soul reaper" abilities after she School Days his chest. He then spends abput a third of the series sucking at combat, finds himself at death's door multiple times, then finding some new over 9000 ability to break out a can of whoop-ass hollow be gone brand x and winds up turning into one himself that's so powerful he turns into a lizard...I'm fucking serious on that one. The guy turns into a HOLLOW lizard. Your guess is as good as mine...I mean you can look it up. It's...it's a thing.
Ghetto fuck tartlet turned-noble who was involved with the Soul Society when she met Ichigo. As explained in the plot summary, she is the rare Asian that can't do math...really I'm serious here. She divided by zero and chigo accidentally all Rukia's Soul Reaper powers and she becomes useless after that for a good few episodes. She was involved in a conspiracy or some shit, but later finds out she was holding something in her body and the conspiracy led to her being sentenced to death for a fake crime. But she escapes death because, surprise surprise, Ichigo gets her flat-chested ass out of trouble. After a confrontation with the bad guys, the thing being stored in her body is retrieved without harm done to her, simply by reaching into her chest, therefore negating the need for the whole conspiracy and they fuck off with some Hollow Overlords for a while.
After the apparent timeskip that was an attempt to reboot the series and the shit storm that happened last time, instead of looking like the little Disney Princess looking scoundrel that she was that didn't do shit, she's now a lieutenant, looks legal to bang, does more shit than Ichigo and has icecar bankai.
A four-eyed l33t archer who is an expert at handicrafts and makes dresses. he is the last Quincy alive, a race of humans who can manipulate Spirit energy around them and craft bows out of thin air to destroy shit and be fucking badass. But in a stark contrast to Quincies, he's a total fuck up. Not only losing his powers to a man who wants to bang King Tut for a living, but becomes totally useless for a good couple of chapters. But then gets them back through a MASSIVE PLOT TWIST!!!!! involving his ever so loving totally non-pederastic father 'giving' his powers back to him. He's also the mega ultra super genius, more so than Chad, because he can solve simple puzzles that the other idiots can't solve.
A Mexican dude, lovingly named "Chad" to appeal to loving 13 year old boys who can't pronounce his real name. Some how a mega ultra super genius as well as being a meathead, something which you can never hope to achieve. He gains super powers while taking on a Hollow which gives him super strength and durability.
The guy never talks, and even though he's big as hell, let people beat up on him. And yet he rapes Hollows.Wat.
The ginger tits of the anime who had a borderline-incestuous relationship with her dead brother. She is the sole focus of every weeaboo's sick sexual fantasies and the reason for the Leekspin forced meme. She can't fight for shit and gains super powers to fight a Hollow, but apart from that one time she killed something, she heals people for dominations. She has a crush on Ichigo which develops into full-blown insanely jealous girlfriendy-type thing and gets insanely jealous whenever he is within a 10 kilometer distance from Rukia. The one time she admitted she felt something for him, he was asleep. How stupid do you have to be to not realize that someone is asleep?
NEWS FLASH! two years later, she gets even bigger tits that rivals even Rangiku's, and works at an erotic bakery.
"Mr. Hat-and-clogs" was in the Soul Society, but he fucked off and a Blackface took over his post, the same blackface that killed Uryu's grandfather. He is the root cause of Ichigo turning into a Hollow, and Rukia being almost completely human and never recovering her powers after losing them. You wanna know more? Look it up.
Lives with Hat-and-Clogs, obviously doesn't wear the trousers. Also looks like a blacksmith.
Sports a permanent asking for it face, especially to raging pedophiles, but she's been taught karate as the ultimate cock block and can whoop Ichigo's arse with ease. She is the one who uses the Rocket Launcher covered in bandages.
He's so ginger, his hair is literally red. Rapes Ururu constantly and is an annoying faggot.
Formerly a princess, she is another pair of tits for all basement dwelling Otakus to fap to, she is half cast purple haired girl who turns into a male cat when she isn't cock teasing Ichigo senseless in her basement the size of a football field. She fucked off from the Soul Society for some reason, which pissed off her lesbian crush, Suì-Fēng to some degree.
Had a lesbian crush on Yoruicihi when Yoruichi was a princess. Then became the jealous girlfriend when she got noticed. Then Yoruichi fucked off to find some Shaggy Hats-and-Clogs cock and left Sui feeling rejected. After having a typical girl-on-girl fight, they got back to being Master and Apprentice while Soi Fon attempts to have the equivalent to a BDSM relation with her. Failing miserably each time. Hates men and an active Feminazi
Wannabe gangsta dude with an obsession with anything explosive and wild boars.
Brother of Rukia Kuchiki, who masturbates to her because she looks like her sister, which is his dead wife. Barely says anything, and anything he does say is full of unwarranted self importance. His Shikai and Bankai are, wait for it, petals. Pink, flowery petals.
Probably a distant relative of Marluxia
Captain of the 10th squad in the Soul society, who looks like a white-haired little kid who takes himself too seriously. A fag who is every girl weeaboo's wet dream. Is constantly the under aged victim of all yaoi fanart of the series. Females had started backing off when they saw how less shotacon he looked and switched gears towards Yachiru.
The physical manifestation of Orihime if she turned into a whore. She owns the biggest tits in the anime and isn't afraid to flaunt them. She was totally butt-nekkid when Orihime admits she likes Ichigo for the first time, confirming weeaboos' suspicions and providing a scene for all weeaboos to fap furiously to. Toshiro Hitsugaya's lieutenant who consistently smothers him to death with her boobs. Spirit Chris Hanson is currently on the lookout for the gingered haired child predator.
The James of Bleach, but with 30% added faggot.
The infamous Blackface of Bleach, Captain of the 12th squad of the Soul Society. Killed Uryu's grandfather and has hated him ever since. His role is to pretend to be a mad scientist, while being ruthless and sick and twisted as hell. Modifies his body to shit and even stabs himself to turn himself into water.
Bloodthirsty invincible war-dude who whoops everybody's arse. Oh and "Bitches don't know my Zanpaktoh's name". 'Nuff said.
Kenpachi's supposed 'daughter' with a similar asking for it face as Ururu's. Always seen clinging to his shoulder and acting more as Navi.
Pedobear's long lost cousin who, unlike Pedobear, prefers teenagers. He is a Mod Soul, or "Test tube baby", which has the ability of increased leg strength when in a human body, but most of the time possesses a lion toy resembling Pedobear and is frequently abused for being a fucking annoying pervert. Changed into multiple things by Uryu.
Token pervert. Frequently abuses Ichigo and lusts after his daughters, and anything else with tits. Later revealed in an AMAZING PLOT TWIST!!!!!111 that he is a Soul Reaper himself.
Dumb loli who gets nearly raped multiple times. Most of these incidents caused by her father
Can see spiritual things, also almost raped.
- Shikai: When the fight turns sour, the first thing to do would be to give yourself more power level to give yourself an advantage in battle. This turns all Zanpakutos (or swords, for the English people) into an upgraded version of itself. They need to know the name of their sword to do it, as it's a sentient being with real feelings.
- Bankai: The Bleach equivalent of Super Saiyan. The swords can upgrade again to be the final solution to end all battles and 'pwn' your opponents. That it, whenever anyone on this show shuts up long enough to actually fight.
- Hollows: Big ass evil monsters of dead people out to kill everyone and rape them with their tentacles, in that order. They will tell their victims "I EET YOU!!!"
moar liek resurerection.
- Arrancar: Hollow/Soul Reaper assbabies. All the women have gigantic breasts that make Orihime look as flat as Rukia in comparision and the men are either flaming gay or old bastards.
- Visored: Soul Reaper/Hollow arsebabies. Yeah seriously, basically Arrancars but the other way around. They are the total opposite to Arrancars, in that all the women are as flat-chested as Rukia, about as young as the blonde sister of Ichigo, and the boys are about as young as fetuses and twice as stupid.
- Nobody in the main cast dies in this show. If you aren't a bad guy or Ichigo's mother, they'll be beaten to a bloody pulp so badly that they'll cough up blood and lose enough blood to keep a hospital in business for weeks, while being within an inch of their life, but be totally fine by the next episode, except maybe wrapped in bandages.
See also: Soap Opera
Like any big fandom, there are plenty of batshit shippers ready to defend their pairing's honor at a moment's notice. The biggest rivarly (LOLWUT) is that between Ichigo/Rukia and Ichigo/Orihime fans; however, both camps fail to realize that Ichigo is more interested in playing swords than he is in porking his sword into either one of them.
- Asking if sex with Komamura (who is an anthropomorphic Wolf) counts as bestiality.
- Asking what happens if a Soul reaper (who is already dead) dies.
- Asking how souls age, when they're dead.
- Asking how many times Ulquiorra cuts himself a day.
- Asking why every character ends up growing a mullet.
- Informing fans that Ichigo is a nazi since he carries a sword with a Swastika on it. Later when he activates his Fullbring for like two seconds, it is a giant Swastika (the name of his power is even CALLED "Swastika Break"). For those who deny that Ichigo is a Nazi, point out that Tite Kubo loves using Spanish in Bleach. Where did a lot of Nazis run off to after WWII? South America. What is the primary language in South America? Spanish. The parallels go on and on.
- Informing fans that Ichigo nailing Rukia is an act of necrophilia.
- Informing fans that it doesn't matter if Ichigo dies, because he will just come back as a Soul reaper/Arrancar anyway.
- Informing fans that the Arrancar are not Japanese in any way.
- Informing fans that Ichigo turning Hollow is not a declaration of love for Orihime.
- Informing fans that Ichigo has the emotional threshold of a brick to even notice that she wants him.
- Informing fans that Ichigo nailing Orihime will result in moar retarded ginger arsebabies.
- Informing fans that Tousen is actually Ray Charles.
- Informing fans that Tony Stark and Coyote Starrk are secretly the same person between different shots of Tequila.
- Saying anything bad about debbiechan and her comm bleachness (the Bleach Anon meme has many examples of this)
- Arguing over whether sex with Yachiru counts as baby fucking, and if it doesn't, argue that it is necrophilia.
- Saying Naruto or One Piece is better than Bleach.
- Compare Gin Ichimaru to Hazama and say Hazama "is just Gin with dyed hair". For BlazBlue fans, switch 'em around.
Know their threads to troll
Anti-Rukia club: Jam-packed with the most batshit fangirls this side of Harry/Hermione. Their reason to hate Rukia boils down to her being moar manly than Ichigo, and thus totally able to top him in a round of hot yaoi sex. Notice how everyone is raping her in the thread banner.Link to the last one with more lulzy comments
Anti Orihime Club: Run by dykes whose chests are even flatter than Rukia's (like that's even possible, amirite? Some hate Orihime because "she's plotting against Rukia and Ichigo. She's too ditzy to be real though, it's probablly a cover up for her real intentions!" (Actual quote, and right on the front page! You can't make this whackaloon bullshit up!)
The Gay Factor
If any anime can give Naruto a run for it's money in the faggotry department, it's this show. You often don't have to shoop pictures to show how most of the characters would rather suck off cocks than eat pussy (except Chizuru).
- Action: 0 for ripping off Dragon Ball Z, and the fact that Ichigo has no fucking clue when to STFU and fight already. He and every other character on the show will go on and on and on and on about shit no one asked about instead of just kicking ass and being done with it.
- Lulz: 0 Due to ultra-gayness.
- Furry Level: 10/10 for former Anon Komamura and Grimmjaw turning furry.
- Gay Level: OVER 9000! At least 100 of those points are due to Renji's sexual confusion, but other factors include but are not limited to: Shuuhei's gay 69 tattoo, Ichigo's large sword covering up for his small Azn penis, Chizuru the dyke, Byakuya's sword producing FUCKING PANSIES for bankai, everyone having an emo past, and Ichigo having Rukia living in his closet and not once does his think about tapping that ass. AND CHARLOTTE COOLHORN. Not even Matsumoto and Orihime's giant tits can counteract the epic levels of gay in this show.
- Merchandising: ONE MILLION. The show has about 42 shitty opening and ending songs and each character has over 9,000 images songs (9,000 times 9,000...you do the math).They all sound pretty much like every other weeaboo J-Pop song ever, not to mention three movies that continue where the filler arcs leave off to assrape the manga even moar.
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