Copypasta/Archive 7

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Archive 7


Okay, I am fucking sick and fucking tired of these fucking threads about rape! RAPE IS NOT FUCKING FUNNY! Joke about anything else you want, /b/...

Joke about cp, joke about loli, joke about murder, joke about drugs, but DON'T FUCKING JOKE ABOUT RAPE! Rape DESTROYS a woman, it STRIPS HER OF HUMANITY! It is disgusting, inhumane, regressive and insane. RAPE IS OFF THE FUCKING TABLE, /b/, NOT EVEN YOU FUCKING VIRGIN ASSHOLES CAN BE SUCH FUCKHOLES THAT YOU JOKE ABOUT A WOMAN'S WOMANHOOD BEING VIOLATED!

And no, I am not some lesbian dyke cunt, I am a woman. I was raped. My virginity taken from me, I can never give it to a man I love. I was raped again and again and again and again and again by a random stranger when I was 15, And between you and me something amazing happened...and now I can talk to animals! Its really cool! But totally a secret. And you know what? Life's never been the same.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

First, you must spread a thick layer of peanut butter onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the peanut butter on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread peanut butter on one side. Spreading peanut butter on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. Next, you must spread a thick layer of jelly onto the white part of a slice of bread. You can only spread the jelly on the white part, and the white part only. You may only spread jelly on one side. Spreading jelly on both sides will provide an inferior sandwich. You cannot spread jelly onto the same slice of bread onto which you have spread peanut butter. Also, you cannot spread peanut butter or jelly onto more than one slice of bread, as this will provide an undesired excess of either ingredient. Additionally, only peanut butter and jelly can be spread onto these slices of bread; no other ingredient will suffice, and no substitute can be used in a sandwich that is to be legitimately recognized as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Likewise, only bread may be the substance upon which the peanut butter and jelly are spread, as anything else does not fit the standards of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich; if the peanut butter and jelly are spread onto a culinary medium that isn’t bread, the meal at hand simply is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once you have accomplished spreading a thin layer of peanut butter onto the white of one side of one slice of bread, and likewise has been accomplished using grape jelly on a separate slice of bread, you must match the slices of bread up to each other, forming a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. In this scenario, the peanut butter-covered face of bread must be facing the jelly-covered face of the second slice of bread so that the peanut butter surface touched the surface of the jelly. The surface of the peanut butter is not allowed to touch a jelly-less substance of bread, resulting in the jelly facing outwards, and likewise applies to the jelly. If a substance is found facing on the outside of the sandwich, the product will not be accepted as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The side with peanut butter and the side with jelly on it must match up and stick together to form one solid sandwich. When the eater picks up the sandwich, he or she must hold both pieces of bread at the same time, or else one slice will fall off, and eating only one slice of bread will not be recognized as the same or even similar to eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Next, you must take a bite of the sandwich. This action will consist of moving the sandwich within such a close proximity of your face that a small “bite” of the sandwich will enter your mouth for you to mash up with your teeth. This bite must be a bite that includes both slices of bread, peanut butter and jelly. Make sure that all obstructions are clear from the mouth and esophagus, not including peanut butter, jelly or bread or any combination of said ingredients. If you have followed all previous steps, this goal will be easily accomplished. Not doing so will create an incorrect and inferior dining experience and thus will not be a peanut and butter sandwich that is being eaten. However, if one successfully gets both peanut butter and jelly in one bite that fits in the mouth and does not result in choking, the dining experience is thus far acceptable. For your complete experience with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich to be considered complete and unobjectionable, you must perform the previously mentioned series of taking bites of the sandwich, chewing them, and swallowing them repeatedly until the entire sandwich has been removed visible existence. These circumstances may only be reached by eating the entire sandwich, and no parts of the sandwich may be thrown away or given to somebody else. This is your sandwich, and your responsibility. For the Dining experience to be completed, the sandwich must be completely digested. In the context of completing the process of consuming a legitimate peanut butter and jelly sandwich, there are no extenuating circumstances. Actions such as vomiting, surgical removal of the sandwich from the body, or placement of the sandwich inside the lungs opposed to the esophagus will not be taken into account, as they do not result in the complete digestion of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The process must come to a close via rectal excrement of feces that have been provided by the digestion of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once the peanut butter and jelly sandwich-fueled feces have exited the rectum, they must remain free from the rectum to be considered conclusive in the process of physically processing a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If the feces re-enters the rectum, the process will be rendered a failure, and must be started again.

You guys are a bunch of sick fags

By: Officer Hutson Officer Hutson of the US Police (California) here. You know what, you think you're so funny with the whole Ashley Disdale shit you guys have going on? Yeah, try talk explaining this stuff to my 8 year old daughter. I know what it's like to be your age. I was there. Smoking pot, getting drunk, and throwing pranks on frats next-door. A real laugh. But one day you are going to wake up in a face full of puke, shit, piss, and seaman like I did and realize that you're just pissing your life away doing what? Nothing.

I came home to my daughter bawling and didn't understand why there were naughty pictures of her role model as well as completely disfigured and rotted corpses slewn across her favorite websites. Are you dicks proud of yourself? Are you? If I was there right now I'd curb-stomp your faces in, but thankfully the government should be doing that for me soon enough with all this net protection stuff they're doing. I just sure hope McCain gets elected so we can try to get more control on this internet.

I really hope this will eat you guys up one day when you finally wake up and realize what life is really about. Until then- Fuck you.

P.S. - I saw the HIV shit you guys were trying to pull. That's how I found you guys. I hope you enjoy the one or two sites it got on. Not even Wikipedia accepted your shit.

Niko the Stalker

I like to stalk people.

Follow them everywhere they go. They get in a cab or car, I'll follow behind them slowly at pace equal to theirs, always 2 cars length behind them. They get a hot dog, I get a hot dog, etc.

While doing this one day I came across a couple. A dark haired man with medium length hair, and this girl who had gorgeous long blond hair.

I followed this couple for miles, from Alderney City to the bright neon lights of Star Junction, they were seemingly happy, joyful, in love with one another. The man cared for his girlfriend, and the girlfriend cared for her boyfriend.

They ate happily together, eating hot dogs, taking in the city. Always staring into each others eyes with deep glee and happiness. I had never seen so much love between two people. I cared for these two as much as they cared for each other. I would do as much as I can to make sure nothing would ever happen too them. After going ahead of them a bit and beating up hobos, walking in traffic ahead of them to make sure if a car were to come I would take it for them, and any other nuisance there could be.

Then it happened. After watching them stare at a giant ad in the Star Junction I realized something. I am alone. No one. Michelle was long gone for something I do not wish to bring up. Kiki dumped me when she found out I had been having intercourse with hookers then bash their heads in with a baseball bat to gain my money back. Carmen never called me again after our first date, mostly due to me pushing her down a set of subway stairs, then stomping her head into the steps. I never tried any other woman due to me thinking it was pointless at this point. I began to feel sad.

I thought to myself, "Why can that man not be me?" "Is he any better than me?" "Why wouldn't she think of dating me? Get some coffee, even at least TALK TOO ME?" I wanted her. I wanted this mysterious blond with the looks of an angel, and the laugh of a child. I wanted to be that man, I wanted to have what he had, to know that joy of having somebody care for your own well being. I was jealous of the man. I wanted that I could not have, that I desired for so much. The longer I watched them, the longer I wanted to become him, at any cost. I then felt remorse. Saddened of what I had become, a lonesome man stalking random pedestrians. But when the thought of this man touching her, kissing her, loving her... the thought of remorse was thrown to the back of my head as if I had never thought it.

I set forth a plan. I will kill him. Take up my new identity as him. And me and the blond will live happily together forever.

John and Sara(This is the name I have given them) hail for a taxi and enter one. This was my chance. My moment of truth was here, I could set forth and become what I craved and desired to be. I got in front of the taxi that the couple was in. I pulled the driver out of the cab and killed him in cold blood. The man stepped out, he was ready to kill me. He lusted for blood, the blood of me. I know what I had to do. I empty my shotgun in his face, the man formerly known as John is dead. He is no more, this chapter of his life has ended and mine starts. I am now who I always wanted too be. I steal the taxi and drive away with his wife/girlfriend in the back.

I had never been so happy in my life! Then...


She screams.

She wants out.

She doesn't want me.

She fears me, hates me, loathes me. She feels everything towards me, but still does not love me.

How could this happen? Why does she not love me? Is there something wrong with me? What could I have done?

I'm thrown into a maelstrom of feelings, mostly guilt, and hatred towards my self. But most of all sadness. She doesn't want me, those words kept ringing in my head.

I knew what I had to do. I drive her while her screaming like a banshee. I reach my destination. The cliff next to Mikhail Faustin's house. If you've ever seen this part of the game there are rocks and old cars that seems from the '50s, and '60s at the bottom.

I rev my engine. She screams even louder. I drive faster, faster, and faster. Her death curling scream gets louder, louder, and louder.

We fly off the edge.

Everything is then silent for a mere second. This second feels like an eternity. I know what I am doing, I feel no regret. I am also for the first time in a long time; happy.

We both plummet to bottom and die instantaneously. They will never know who killed John, or the cab driver Shafeeq. They will never find the body of Sara or Niko Bellic. The ocean mixed with gasoline fueled fire will ruin any traces of either of our pasts or future.

I then revive at a hospital and steal a Blista Compact and go bowling with Roman.

My sister caught my CP

OK so its really late, like 5:45~ and i didn't plan on fapping tonight because i was just going to play some tf2 and record some demos etc, and then go to sleep, and i see this thing about Zach Roloff dying etc so i stay on /b/, and then i see this thread. the borderline CP pic thread that just got 404d.

now, i normally lock my door when i fap, whoever is trying to open my door probably knows what I'm doing but for the sake of decency nobody says anything, just, what are you doing? oh i forgot i locked the door sorry. yea I'm going to bed soon. OK goodnight.

anyways, i have my hands down my pants reading these threads and i start to get a boner. so I get into the fapping mood and pull my dick out and lube it up with some good ol' spit. before long i stop and think holy shit, what am i doing? if i cum right now what am i going to clean it up with? gotta get some toilet paper. so i get up and get some toilet paper from my bathroom. dick is still slightly hard so i get back and f5, start fapping to new pictures.

and then, my little sister from behind me. i forgot to lock my bathroom door. holy shit. my bathroom is connected to my room, and also leads out into a small hallway with another bedroom (my 11y/o sister)

im fapping furiously and looking at borderline CP and my 11 year old sister has caught me. "what are you doing?" has she seen my dick? does she even know what fapping is? go to sleep Sarah its 5am "what are you doing?" again. she comes around and looks, and that's where i fucked up again. i didn't even bother to cover my dick. almost like i wanted her to see it, i wanted her to discover my cock and be curious and a little aroused, but she wasn't. she gasped and almost screamed, and i instantly regretted not pulling my pants up. i told her to go to sleep and she just left the room.

i think i hear my parents talking, but im not sure. im hoping that she just falls asleep and dismisses this as a terrible dream...

what do i do...

My Little Sister

(direct reply to the copypasta above)

dude i wish I had your simple problems.

some years ago I molested my little sister while she was sleeping. some months ago she finally told my parents it was pretty heavy shit but you know what? it sorted itself out.

your parents will talk about it with you but they wont talk to other people about it or mention the issue too often. because its embarrassing for themselves that their son is a loli-lover.

my parents said they will look for a psychiatrist i should go to but to this day nothing happened.

Still i advise you to deny most of it. try to talk your way out of it but only if you know how to lie. if your parents know when your lying don't try but be honest

she was 11/12 years old, i was 15/16. i never knew she noticed anything of it..well obviously she did but she was too paralyzed to do anything against it and too ashamed to tell anyone. it happened about 4-5 times i don't really remember that well

she was sleeping in my room and i knelt beside her mattress and slid my arm under her blanket and teased her slit through her pajama pants

that was the first time.

second time was one year later in the holidays. we were sleeping on the same air mattress, tickling each other till we started to sleep. my hand was resting on her thighs and she only wore an oversize t-shirt. no pants. i started to feel her up, stroked her slit and her legs. i remember that she didn't have pubic hair yet back then. also i penetrated her a little with my finger.

about two years ago we were in my room and for some reason she hopped into my bed and said she wanted to sleep in my bed tonight. together. i didn't mind. we were sleeping with heads on opposite sides when i thought she was asleep i started to feel her up again. she had pants on but they were easily shoved aside. i played with her lips who were by now a lot more fleshy and she already had pubic hair. she was getting wet too and i massaged her clit. i took her hand and placed my raging hard cock in it and rubbed my cock on her thigh.

btw im not making this shit up. im aroused and disgusted by what i did.

however my sister had many problems, i.e. started to cut herself (no she isn't emo) and went to see a psychiatrist. some month ago my parents said the have to talk to me. my sister apparently finally told my parents what she had told her psychiatrist recently. that i molested her for about 4 years when she was seemingly asleep.

we had a long talk but it sorted itself out. however my sister didn't want to talk to me about it. the surprising thing is i never noticed that she did notice what i did to her. she managed to stay friendly towards me because, as she told my parents, i am still her beloved brother no matter what terrible things i have done to her


(Start a thread with the picture bellow, then use the pictures from this .RAR and spam this copypasta Billy Mays Picture Pack)








Yes I'm talking that anime The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya. It fucking sucks. Now it's pretty popular among the anime circles, and yet this poor excuse for an animated feature is the worst thing ever produced by a human being if you except Plan 9 from Outer Space, and I'm being generous.

First you gotta admit you hated the first episode. It made no sense, sucked as shit, wasn't funny, edgy or new. Or original. Animation sucked dead dogs' balls. Characters sucked dead dogs' balls. Voice acting sucked dead dogs' balls. But you managed to make it through the whole pile of steaming poo just to see the ED. Because that's what this anime is about. It's about the ED. Those 1 minute and a half. There's nothing else to it. You went like "OMG ANIMATION LIEK" you freaking retards and now everyone likes it. Yet it's shit. It's complete shit with no redeeming qualities. There's fucking nothing to it. Just the dance at the end. It's a dancing anime. A fucking retarded dancing anime with no story and nothing and no characters it sucks. You shouldn't like it you morons seriously. Just download the ED and loop it on your WMP you cockass faggot asses. DAMN I wish all those threads about HARUHI OMG YEAH would go one and everyone in them die FUCK YOU for polluting my forums HARUHI FUCK YOU.

Shorter version, for trolling Youtube

It made no sense, sucked shit, wasn't funny, edgy or new. Or original. Animation, characters, voice acting sucked shit-slathered cocks in Hell. But you manage to make it through the whole pile of steaming shit just to see the end. Because that's what this anime is about. There's nothing else to it. Just the dance at the end. It's a fucking dancing anime.

Baby Funeral Shenanigans

Hi /b/,

So today I was walking to work when I saw a funeral in progress at Forest Lawn cemetery. Since I was already wearing a suit (required for my job) and I was pretty early for work, I decided to pop in to see what was going on. I walked up the marble path, up to a rather large memorial service (about 250-300 people) for what appeared to be a baby that had died shortly after birth. The family really went all out, the tombstone was massive and the coffin had gold embroidering, really nice. The people looked about what you would expect, all dressed up, mothers were crying, and even a few fathers couldn't hold back their tears.

Well about 15 minutes in, after the opening hymn, people started to filter up to the microphone to express their condolences to the family. The grandfather said some words about how everything is a blessing even if it doesn't seem like it, the brother of the father reassured the family that, if they ever needed anything, that the family was there for them.

Then a man walked up, about in his late 40's, and said "Although I don't really know the family, or the deceased that well, I want to say, I'm sorry for your loss. I too have lost a child." He walked from the mic, over to the families, shook their hand and walked away.

He didn't know the family? So, it seemed ANYONE could say something at the funeral.

I straightened my tie, put on my most sorrowful expression, and walked towards the front. I approached the man holding the microphone and, in my most solemn tone, asked if I might say a few words. The man smiled warmly and handed me the microphone, completely oblivious to what was about to happen.

I turned to face the crowd, all intently looking at me with the most melancholy and tearful eyes you've ever seen. I cleared my throat and said my piece:

"What's the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I DON'T FUCK A SANDWICH BEFORE I EAT IT!"

The crowd was horrified. The sound manager tried to unplug the speakers before I could finish my joke, but to no avail; he didn't react fast enough and couldn't get himself together before the punchline rang through the cemetery.

The crowd went fucking batshit. The reaction started with sheer shock and horror, and ended in a blind rage, with everyone, even some of the WWII veterans and grandmothers in the crowd, trying to tackle me to the ground.

Being that I was a football running back in high school, I was much faster than everyone there. Good thing too, God knows what would have happened if they caught me. Probably have thrown me into the grave with their failure of a living baby. I had to run around for a bit, but I eventually made my way to the western exit. I've never had so many lulz in my entire life.

What did you do today, /b/?

The Worst Joke Ever

October 6, Earth Science class. It seemed to be a normal enough day. As usual, everyone in class was either taking obsessive-compulsive notes or was in a zombie-like daze of boredom. The teacher, off on her random, irreverent tangent, was paying little attention to my row.

The boy next to me turns his head. "Want to hear a joke?"he asked nonchalantly. "Sure." I answered, figuring it would be innocent enough.

Little did I know this joke would change my life forever.

"What did the injured cats say to each other?" "I don't know." I replied, eager to cut to the chase. "Me-owch."

There was a brief moment of silence, in which the sheer shittiness of the joke settled in. No-one in the room could believe a jest that abhorrent could be spawned on our fair earth. It felt as if claws of stupidity were tearing at my mind.

Suddenly, the girl behind me committed suicide on the spot. Full scale riots broke out over the tri-state area, with murders, looting, and rape. Cries of "How could that punchline be so horrible? What god would allow this?" could be heard as people lept from rooftops. The Me-owch riots had begun.

The area had to be carpet-bombed by the Air force in order to quell the riots and make sure no traces of the horrid humor escaped the infected area. The entire state of New York was quarantined, and everything we ever held dear was either bombed or destroyed by the insipid setup and punchline.

A little girl next to me said she believed things couldn't possibly get worse. When her brother heard the joke, he ate their mother, burned down their house and killed himself.

Suddenly, the sounds of a million infants shrieking pierced the air. A hundred armed demon with a thousand unpronounceable names rose from a fissure in the earth. "I have been summoned to your meager plane from the horror of the unspeakable humor. I Gorros*lejldkrakish'urtszar, the aberration who was never meant to be, shall now devour the universe."spoke the horror with it's three-hundred maws.

"Good going." I said to the boy, who had miraculously survived up to this point. "How was I supposed to know the joke would summon a nameless horror from the beginning of time?" "Me-owch?!" I shouted, rage in my voice. "What good did you possibly believe could come of that!"

Gorros*lejldkrakish'urtszar devoured the universe and shat it out as a cosmic dung pile. The end.

The moral of this story is to not use jokes from shitty juvenile jokebooks.

Chanology Callout

1) Self righteous bawwwfags "moralfags" or more correctly: stupid children with no sense of humor.

When the first raid was called against Scientology, we ALL chipped in, one way or another, the Internet Haet Machine manned harpoons and took down ALL the CoS sites.
Those who didn't join in, and just kept on going down the rabbit-hole, they found out how disgusting the Scientology organization really is. Their discoveries led to the first IRL protests, and while they (mostly) didn't DDOS, they still cheered the rest on.

Now there's a bunch of new recruits from other sites, they didn't experience the first days of the action, they didn't feel like they were part of something completely epic and historic and some decide to shoot down the Channers.

Fuck you, I'm a /b/tard and have been for years, lurk the fuck moar.
This movement would never have gone ANYWHERE without the Channers, the Internet Hate Machine started this movement, they were the first kick, the violent angry birth of Chanology.

So, Moralfags or whatever you're called: Why so serious? Get a sense of humor and respect where you come from, a lot of End Bosses of the Internet worked hard to get you here.
Also, try to have some fucking fun at the protests, if I see another one of you reading an 8 page LJ extract or shushing other protesters trying to have fun I'll forcibly penetrate your rectal cavity with a Mudkip cake.

2) Basement dwelling Internet Fail Machine antiprotest faggots:

Go on, give yourself a pat on the back, you started something xbox hueg.
But there you go again, as always, the biggest problem with all of us is we buy into this shit so freely, the steaming pile of memeshit that is the Internet Hate Machine has decided who you are and what you're going to do, just because one person did a fucking photoshop, well done you cockshites. You just lost the game.

Ra/i/dfags are protesting for what's right? BAWWW THEY MAKE US LOOK LIKE GOOD PEOPLE.
Since when has Anonymous cared about what it looks like or appears to others?
That's the FUCKING DEFINITION, no face, no identity, no accountability, final destination.
But you're afraid of all those big bad posts calling you a pussy because you stood up for what you believed in, go eat a bowl of dicks you fucking nonentity.
Grow a pair, if you really care so much about how Anonymous looks then you have been trolled.

Also, if you REALLY DO FEEL like the protests are shit, so what? Why the fuck are you trying to do the CoS' work for them? Go troll the fuck out of them, go do the shit that we won't do.
You won't, because you're pussies and Chanology is bigger than the few of you that GENUINELY think that the protests should stop.
Those who do: Go buy a fucking hot topic tshirt of JTHM, or are you too rhetorically cool to even do that? Just because Chanology grew beyond what was easy for you, sitting in the basement running Longcat flooder, now you think this isn't hardcore enough for you anymore?
Of course not, you're just a typical basement dwelling faggot, raging against a nonexistent machine to feel good about yourself. Check your ego at the door.

3) Fencesitters:


4) Old Guard:

You gave us everything we needed to get to work on this fucking cult, you started it all, you were what got us riled up in the first place, you showed us the way into the rabbit hole, the LMT, Paulette Cooper, WBM, Andreas, Magoo and everyone else, you all guided us to where we are today, even before you actually acknowledged us.
Stop arguing amongst yourselves you fuckwits, OCMB is a clusterfuck because some of you say DESTROY COS and the others say GET RID OF MISCAVIGE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE and the rest say I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS STRESS OSA IS USING MICROWAVE BEAMS ON MY BRAIN.

It's all your fucking EGOS and UNWARRANTED SELF-IMPORTANCE, put them aside and work together, if you did that years ago we wouldn't have so much cleaning up to do today.

5) Whiny /b/tards

Go make some original content, make a photoshop contest, stop trolling each other because it's very, very, very old now.

6) /i/nternet doodle machine:

420channers, Kirt is a faggot and you're his personal army, well fucking done you drugged up "legion" of malleable retards.
He ruined 711chan and now you get your hollow lulz from trying to fuck with your own /b/rothas? You're completely beyond saving, ask yourself "Is this better than trolling the fuck out of Scamology?"

I don't fucking think so.


Anon is fail

08/06/18(Wed)19:32 No.291619 [Reply]

Hey guise! guess wut! The other chans failing is due to the same reason youre failing! tl dr? try to keep up. Now, a big steaming pile of you chonners are leaderless, homeless, angry, and rejected. Hmmm. Do any of you dummies even possess any computer skills? I see fail in here every time I check. "Hey has anyone taken these?" stupid drug questions are ubiquitous. Gb2w/e is omnipresent. anon will not amount to anything, you cant even pull together for a simple task of destroying a cult. Even Maddox could've owned Enkindlers already, if he chose to. Usenet makes you idiots look like, well, not even simple script kiddies. Usenet is the big leagues. why dont you faceless anon sissies graduate now that your penis has shriveled up? Every last one of you weirdos know you only posess any influence in these chons. all of you experience fail IRL perpetually. Oh, wait I forgot. a bunch of 15 yr olds posting pics of mediocre JB from facebook are gonna change the world! Ooooh what a force to be reckoned with. Your Fuhrur Kirt was pwned from another continent away. No one cares about you, not even you. Youve made no impact. Your faceless leaderless digital revolution FAILD. The only ppl who think anon is cool is noofag anon wannabes, no one likes them, no one likes you, and you're used to it. Hmm. nice life you've carved for yourselves. Longcat is an opossum in drag, Chris Hansen is in your ports, killin' all your doods, furfags actually torment you in the rest of the interwebs, and you STILL haven't managed to make a dent in Enkindlers. you better just keep praying you don't piss real 373371575 off. Usenet mutherfuckers will netbusfuck you. Buncha weeaboos, furfags, and Dragonball Z fans. anon = ricers who are too young and/or nerdy to get laid... Pathetic. Please fuckin ban me. If i ever come back here I want to be reminded how awesome you nerds are compared to me... on the internet. Meanwhile, Im gonna record my big titty GF chocking on my 8 1/2 in. of pipe on my cellphone and NOT post it here, because you guys have too much banning to do. enjoy your misery shiteaters :)



So I was out in my yard doing some gardening (it's actually quite relaxing) and I saw this little girl walking down the street in the corner of my eye. But something was wrong with her, she seemed frantic and lost. Her shirt was torn, and her arms were crossed tightly around her chest. I could just tell something was wrong with her. So when she walked by me, I called out to her. "Hey, where are you going in such a hurry?" Trying to sound friendly.

"sorry mister, please just. . "

she cut her sentence short and just went right on walking. I thought "Nah, forget it." But after a few minutes later, I went inside to get my lunch (a sammich from Publix) and I sat down on my porch and ate it. I saw something moving in the bushes across the street, something big was in the bushes. I knew who it was. It was the little girl from before, spying on me. I waved at the bush, and held up my sandwich towards it, implying that I had foodstuffs and that I was friendly. I had no intentions of molesting her, raping her, or killing her, but I just had a feeling she was in some kind of troublesome life-crisis.

After a few more bites (it was almost gone) I held it back up to her, and showed her that I had almost finished it. I hoped she didn't think I was showing off that I had food and she didn't. I just wanted to tell her that I had a bit of sandwich left, and she was welcome to have it. I was still hungry, but I didn't finish the rest of it. I wrapped it up and (along with some chips and the rest of my ice tea) placed it on the steps to my porch. I went inside my screened in porch and sat down on the chair, hidden from view of outsiders. Eventually, I saw a little body creep up, and inspect the wrapped up sandwich. It was her. She began to un-wrap the sandwich, and she took a giant chug from my drink. She got into the sandwich, and gobbled it all down quickly.

"why, hello there." I said, from behind my screened in castle.

She got startled, but didn't run away. She just crouched down on the ground and tried to hide her head. I stood up and opened the door.

"Going somewhere, or are you just here to steal my food?" I had a friendly look on my face so she didn't think I was serious.

"I- I'm sorry if you wanted that. . it was right there. . .just please don't take me back." She seemed less afraid than she did disappointed.

"I'm not going to get you in trouble. You seem a bit roughed up, are you ok?" I wanted to hold her attention for as long as possible for some reason.

"I- I am tired. I just can't go back!"

Uh-oh, generally when a loli says she "cant go back" that means one of two things: Orphanage that she hates or an abusive home.

"Where can't you go back? Are you on the run from someone?"

She hesitated, and looked all around for a moment.

"I can't tell you. . please I came so far, don't make me go back."

"How can I take you back? I don't even know where you came from. Just tell me, are you in trouble?"

"I. . yes. Please don't call the cops, or he'll get mad at me again." I guessed in her case it was the second, terrible.

She was about 7 or 8 years old, maybe less than that. She had long, wavy, blond hair. Her clothes looked slightly dirty and her sleeve was torn. She had on a blue T-shirt and a pair of old jeans.

"Just tell me, what is your name?"

"Juliette" she said, looking down to the ground.

"well, Juliette, where are your parents?"

"I don't have any. . I wish i didn't have any."

I knew that either her father or mother abused her mentally or physically, and the latter was shown on her. "what do you mean, you wish you didn't have any?"

She didn't answer, but I saw she started crying a little. I was going to ask if she wanted a ride home, but I figured that was the last thing she wanted right now.

"Are you still hungry, Juliette?"

"Yes. . a lot."

"Want to come inside and I'll fix you something nice?"

I was afraid she would take this the wrong way, all I wanted was to cheer her up, get her into a good home. I'd call the police (or whoever cares) later, but for now I'd get her something to eat and clean her up.

"well. . OK." she said

"alright, lets go inside."

I checked to make sure no neighbors saw this, some of them may also get the wrong idea. I led her into my kitchen, and looked in the fridge.

"lets see, we don't have much, but I think I can find something for you. Until then, feel free to have a seat wherever you want, use the bathroom, take a nap, Ma Maison votre Maison."

"what's that mean?"

"It's french, 'my house is your house'"

"oh OK. thank you for letting me stay here I'm so tired."

"I'm happy to have you, I need some company around here. By the way, my name is Brian."

I reached out to shake her hand, but she didn't respond. I smiled anyway. So as it stands now, I found stuff to make her a sandwich, but she fell asleep in my bed (she managed to find it). She's been sleeping for over an hour and a half.

I'm currently thinking whom I should call, I work as a secretary (yes, a male secretary) at a local government building, and I know how things work. I'll report her, she'll get taken from me, she'll get tangled up in red tape, and in the end go back home where she'll get beaten by some asshole father. tl;dr I have a loli house-mate.

Part 2

Hey guys! She finally woke up. Well, I had to nudge her a little. I managed to get a few words from her before she felt hungry again, so I got the sandwich out of the fridge and she gobbled it down, along with a glass of milk and some chips. After I broke into my stash of candy (junior mints, the starbursts in the old wrappers and some mini twix bars) and I let her eat as much as she wanted. She seemed content, and began to lighten up. I found it to be a great time to ask her some questions. I started with the simple one: her family situation. At first she was hesitant to say anything, but then she told me everything. She wasn't staying with her real parents, but she was living with her uncle and aunt. Apparently, her uncle was kind of ill-tempered, and would strike her if she got out of line. In this bastard's mind, 'out of line' was pretty much doing everything but sleeping. She didn't say anything about touching in any sexual sense of the word, and that was a relief.

She then told me that her aunt was some kind of party maniac, and was never home. When she was home, she would be mean to Juliette and smoke and drink around her. So the good thing was, Julie wasn't staying with parents, so that makes adoption that much easier. I'm not wholly sure weather I can adopt her from her aunt and uncle, but if I can I will. I asked her if she went to school, and she said she did. . . some times. Most of the time her uncle wouldn't drive her, so she had to walk about three miles to get to school. She didn't like doing this, so she missed lots of days. She said when she was in school she did well, but her grades are slipping because of all the absence. This is all important to me because education comes first where I'm from. She then asked if she could live with me, and I said "Let's hope."

So, she asked about my life. I told her the usual: Living by myself, got dumped a few years ago, pretty much living day to day at my own pace. She admired all the knick-knacks I had at my house, and she took a keen liking to this Chinese statuette of a samurai that was in my room (my room was an Asian themed room, and the rest was just assorted. . . shut the hell up). She also took a liking to me, and that made me feel good. It was still late in the night at this point, but we didn't care. She told me about her parents, and this saddened me. Turns out her parents died in a shooting a few years after she was born (I found out she is officially 9), and she'd lived with her abusive aunt and uncle ever since. I said how horrible that is, to die in a shooting. She said that it was some crime thing but it wasn't aimed at them. Bummer.

I asked her how long the abuse was going on at her new house, and she said it only started a few years ago, when her uncle got fired from his job. That's sick, taking out your imperfections on an innocent child. She didn't really have much trouble opening up to me, and she actually seemed to enjoy talking about how much her life sucked. I guess she thought I would get her aunt and uncle in trouble or something, as I hopped to. I asked her if she has ever told anyone, and surprisingly she said she had. She told one of her friends a while ago that her uncle hits her, but it didn't get past school-yard gossip. Me and her really got along well, even if we have only gotten about thirty minutes of talking time since we met. She just liked the idea of not going back to her old home. I offered to get her out of those old clothes and take a bath/shower and she jumped right on it. I led her up the the bathroom, and turned on the water. I made sure to get it just right so she wouldn't get burned, but not too cold either.

Then, she just stripped right there and got in the tub before it was even filled all the way. She must have not had a good bath in a while, but hey, my tub was gigantic. Even I enjoy it all the time even if I use it every day. I asked her if she needed anything, and showed her were the soaps were, and she seemed to take things up from there. I took up her old clothes and threw them in a hamper, and got one of my sweaters and a pair of shorts for her (just for now). It was my old college sweater, from my junior year. She was in the bath for what seemed like forever, and I started typing this when she was in the bath. When she was ready to come out, I picked her up and wrapped a towel around her, and let her do her own thing. I was in my room making my bed (so it can be messed up again in like an hour when I go to sleep). She came waddling out of the bathroom with my sweater on, and yawned. She was still tired? No problem, I can set her- whoa! She jumped right onto my bed and made herself comfortable. I guess there's no harm in us sleeping in the same bed, I'll sleep on top of the covers and she can sleep under them, right?

So, she's sleeping again. In my bed. Under my sheets. Did I care? Of course not. When I got tired I would decide if there was enough room for me up there, or if I should just sleep on the couch.

tl;dr/recap: Things have gone just as I planned, if not better. She opened right up to me and didn't seem to mind telling me of her troubles. That was good, when it came time to report her old family to the police, we should have no problems. What do you all think? Do I sound too much like a pedo? I don't try to.

Part 3

It's me again, good news from the battlefront. I went to sleep right after my thread died last night (thank you all for the support). I woke up at about nine o'clock, and I made her some breakfast for her. But she never got up. Lazy Julie is still in there sleeping. Around ten she woke up. It's ok, she must need the sleep. She came walking down the stairs, a little confused. But I greeted her with a warm smile and a hello. She was still a little groggy, so she just nodded at me. I made her an egg and English muffin sandwich (having ate her bacon from before) and she just totally inhaled it. I let her go watch TV, and I pondered who I should call. I finally just called non-emergency 911. It wasn't an emergency, after all. The woman on the other end was moody, and all I wanted was to be friendly.

I told them that a little girl was lost, and that I had reason to believe that she came from an abusive home. She seemed to understand, and told me that I should bring her to the suburban precinct. OK, that's doable. So after some Q&A with her, I hung up the phone. I told Juliette that we were going to tell on your aunt and uncle, and it was really important that she told the truth. So after a little bit, I got her old clothes (didn't have anything that fit her) and she changed back into them. We climbed into my tiny little coupe and we drove down there. On the way, I told her to say that I just found her this morning and that I had fed you. She agreed.When we got down there, I held her hand and led her into the police station. I talked to the girl behind the counter about our story, and she didn't instantly take me as a crazy pedo. I told her that there is strong reason to believe that her uncle and aunt were abusive, and that she needs to get out of that house. She understood, and she told me to have a seat right over there. Oh lawd, is that some irony? we waited in the lobby for what seemed like forever. Then finally someone came out to get us.

He filled me in on the rules, and I told him my mind. They would have to take her to a orphanage for now, they would usually make her go home but I managed to convince them that was not a good idea (she helped too). It was towards the end of our meeting that I said that I had it in my mind to adopt her, and he told me that it was up to the orphanage. He said that they would investigate the home, and she had to give them some contact info on her aunt and uncle. It took her some thinking to remember everything they asked for, but she managed to do it. Finally, an agent from the orphanage showed up to take her away. We shared a sad goodbye. I talked to the agent in privet. I said that I and she thought it would be best if I adopt her, that is if her old home is really as bad as she says. He said that it wasn't his department, but he thought that sounded reasonable. ok, good.

Before they took her away, she ran over and gave me a hug. AWWWWWWWWWWWW. She was sad to go, but she trusted us enough to know that we weren't taking her back home. I had to stay there for some more questions about how I saw her, what I did with her, etc. He gave me a background check, and it came up with no bad marks. I was a clean man, fully capable of being trusted. I had nothing to hide of course, so I answered everything no problem. Then he asked me what I thought about her current home. I said that from the looks of it, she wasn't staying with her parents, she hated it there, and her uncle abused her as her mom drank herself to death. He was fine with everything. It was A-OK. I caught the agent as he was taking Juliette away, and he said if I wanted to contact the orphanage I could at any time. He gave me the number and the street address. This guy seemed nice, and he knew I wanted Juliette, and he didn't doubt me for a second.

So I got home at around 11:30, without a loli in tow, and I began to type this up soon after. I know many of you will respond by saying "RIP OFF OF BLINDMUTE LOLI!" "PICS OR IT NEVER HAPPENED" "WHY DIDN'T YOU POOPER HER?" But I really don't care. I know that some of you care about this, so I'm updating you. I think I will call the orphanage soon to ask if they got Juliette checked in yet. I've got a feeling I'll be visiting her every once in a while.

Part 4

Greetings, /b/. It is me again. Today after I went home and started my last thread I felt lonely again. I just liked having someone around the house that I could take care of, and she was now sitting in some orphanage (or foster home or waiting room) waiting for the day we were re-united. So I figured I might as well call the number the guy gave me and see if she was processed yet. It turns out that she was at an orphanage, and they had no idea how the situation with her aunt and uncle was going. I asked if I could come down and visit her, and they said that visiting hours were from 9-7, and that I was welcome to come down. I got some stuff to take with me: the last couple of mini-twix bars, as well as my pillow. I got in my car, and drove down there. The place seemed to be a total dump. It was one of those stereotypical 1940s sinister looking brick walled building. I went in, got searched, and they showed me where Julie's room was. There were ten beds in every room, some of them un-occupied, for all of one gender in one room. She saw me the instant I walked over and ran up to hug me. She asked her what took me so long, and I just laughed. I gave her the twix bars, and she ate one and saved the other for later. The lady that showed me to her room was still there, just to monitor us (She said she was supposed to be on duty in that room, but she wasn't there when I came). We talked for a while and I asked her about her aunt and uncle some more. She seemed a bit less comfortable talking about it with all of the other girls around, so I didn't ask her too much about it. I could visit her for as long as I wanted to, but I didn't plan on staying to 7:00.

I asked her if she wanted to live with me, and I knew the answer before I even asked the question. She got really happy and started asking me "When? When will I live with you, Brian?" She was putting on a pretty large display here, but at least she was happy. I glanced over to the lady watching "the room" and she had a little smile on her face. I found it more weird than anything, because all I did was give this girl a sammich and a bath. . and a good night's sleep. . . and love.I knew that she would say "not my department" when I asked.

"Excuse me, ma'am. . I need to talk to someone about the adoption process." I got up and walked over to her, signaling for Julie to remain seated on the bed.

"Can I adopt her? I mean, if her aunt and uncle get taken away for what they've done."

"What did they do?" She asked. I forgot she didn't even know what the hell I was talking about.

"well, it's kind of a long story, but this girl has been living in an abusive home for over three years. I'm the one that turned her in, and the police say that they're investigating it and all, but I don't know."

The lady gave me the standard "Not my area" speech, then she said

"If the police take away her closes known relatives, and from what you're giving me i bet they will, then she will be put up for adoption. And from there, you just have to prove yourself a worthy host. I can see she already likes you." She was on the bed, playing around with a doll.

"I understand, but I'm just worried that she'll have to go back to her aunt and uncle. . . we don't want that if they're anything like what she said they are." I told her.

"I wouldn't worry about it, they pay the police to do their job, you can trust them to do it." That's what worried me.

"Alright then, I was just asking."

"If you want some good info, you should speak to the police and ask them how far in the case they've come. Who knows? maybe they've caught the two already."

I nodded and said good bye to her, and walked back over to Juliette.

We visited for a while longer, we talked about things like our favorite music, TV shows, etc. She says that she and her parents liked classical music and that it relaxed her. That's great, I'm into the pops myself. She says that she never gets to watch TV at her house, but she does have a CD player with some classical music on it. I almost teared up for whatever reason when she said sometimes she just puts on her headphones, to drown out her uncle's yelling, and curls up to a pillow at night to fall asleep. AWWWWWWWWWWW I asked her what she thought about living at this place. She said

"It stinks" I laughed, and said "Places like this usually do. Have you talked to any of the other girls yet?"

"no. . . I just got here. Nobody wants to talk to me either."

"That's a shame. I'm sure they'd like you if they had the chance to."

She smiled at me. After some more small talk, I looked at the time and decided I better go home. I gave her a goodbye hug and said I'd be back tomorrow to check in on her. The lady showed me back to the lobby and I told her to watch over Juliette, just to show her that I was on to her (As in she was not watching the room but just me).

Then I came home at around seven and started typing this. So, to recap (tl;dr): I visited her we had fun No pictures. . yet.

Part 5

Hey, It's me again (the guy that maybe three people know about)

Well, I'm pissed. I'm a gentle guy, I usually don't get pissed. But you know what happened? They sent her back to the aunt and uncle. I knew it would end like this, but It shocked me nonetheless. It started today when I was on my lunch break. I called the place where she was staying at, and they said that she had checked out. Checked out? That had to mean one thing: The aunt and uncle found her. I asked her if she knew who took Juliette, and she said it was her aunt. Man, things just suck some times. But no, this couldn't be the end. I had planned so much, I even told you guys about her. I can't let her go back to her old and abusive 'home' where she'll get beaten for trying to find a better life. I had to get her back.

I still remembered the contact info on the aunt and uncle, and I found out where they lived by looking up the phone number (it was listed - that surprised me) and I had all I needed to go down there myself and get her back. But you know what? I still had work till 5:00 (it was around 12:30 when I took lunch off). So I had to go five hours thinking about all the horrible things that asshole of an uncle was doing to my poor Juliette. I could hardly work after that, and I accidentally put a phone call on speaker (when I had to patch it through to my boss - yeah, you can shut up about me being a secretary, Nurse-kun is a nurse). So the time came for me to head home, and I just bolted out and got into my car to drive home. When I got there, I called the number of her uncles house. . . nobody picked up. Again I called. . . nobody picked up. I left two messages (saying that I was Juliette's teacher) on the machine before I called it quits. I couldn't just go down there, what would I do? But you know what? I felt like being an asshole right now, so I decided to drive down to the house and just scout it out.

When I got there, it looked like the standard low-class brickwall house on the outskirts of the middle-class suburbs. I didn't want to knock on the door, but I parked in an empty lot across the street, and went up to the house to peek in the windows. I didn't see anybody. . the lights were out. The place looked like the standard "terrible parents trashy dump" kind of place, but I didn't see anyone. I left a note on the door with my number on it (i hoped that Julie saw it before anyone else did) that said -Brian. So after that, I just came home and started thinking weather or not I should call the police. I had no reason to, I saw no abuse take place. In fact, I didn't even see anyone. Maybe it was the wrong place? Maybe they saw me drive up and hid in the other room, thinking I was a child welfare agent? I wished it to be the last one, because if that was true they had to have been hiding from me for a reason. And that reason shot a big flare in the sky that said "ABUSE".

I don't know, maybe I am just a unconsciously pedophilic gardener, and I'm just obsessed with the girl that let lose my fantasies. Nah, I doubt it. So for those who care, that's what happened today.

Part 6

Hey /b/ it's me.

An important thing happened today. I got off of work at five like I usually do. And instead of jumping on /b/ or tending to my garden, I drove to Juliette's house. Again, I parked in an empty lot across the street behind some bushes. I was still wearing my jacket and tie from work. I sneaked up to the house to peek into the windows. There was someone in the house this time: Juliette. My heart rose to new heights when I saw her. She was curled up on a couch (with a pillow) listening to a CD player. I didn't see anyone else in the house, so I knocked on the door. She jumped when she heard the door, but didn't get up. Instead she peeked out the window, first in the wrong direction, then right at me. Her face light up. She tore off the headphones and ran to open the door. "hey there you are. How are things going?" I asked as she gave me a hug. "Are you staying?" She asked, without answering me. "I can't. Is there anyone home?" I asked, looking around. "They're out shopping. . I think. They've been gone for a long time." "I see. Well, they must be due to be back soon. It may not be a good idea for me to be here when they get home. . did you get my note?" She looked at me, puzzled. Oh well, plan A failed. "I guess not. Here, take this." I handed her a card with my number and address on it (i wrote directions on how to get there on the back).

She asked if I was going to take her away, I asked her a serious question. "When you came back, did your uncle hit you again?" I patted her on the shoulder. The expression dropped from her face. Silence. "I need you to answer me. This is for real." She looked up at me, two saddened eyes and said "Y. . . yes. But I didn't do what he told me to! It was my fault." I pat her head gently. "It wasn't your fault, no matter what he said." She tried to smile. I could tell that she was a totally different girl now that that bastard had his hands on her. You all know how it goes, something like talking to someone could change your entire mind about something. And in this girl's case a beating changed her mind. Terrible. She asked again if I was going to come in, and I decided I might as well. The place was not terribly filthy, but it was a dump compared to my place (not to brag). There were beer bottles all over the floor, stains on the carpets, dishes in the sink. It looked like there were burns on the couch (aunt sleeping with cigarettes?) and there even was a hole in the wall.

I only stayed for a little while, but the time we shared was nice. She showed me her room. It was just like I imagined it: tiny bed, a few dolls here and there, and I saw something that caught my eye: A telescope. and it was a nice one. When questioned about the telescope, she gave a an answer that warmed my heart. "My parents were astronomers. We used to look at the sky all the time before. . but now there is a broken piece in it, so I can't use it. It was the only thing that I had that was theirs." I felt like I had to fix this thing, or at least get a new one. No, a new one wouldn't be as special. I had to fix it. "tell you what. I'll take this, and I can get it fixed by tomorrow. deal?" She seemed to like the idea, and said "that would be great!" the sun shined on my insides to see how happy she was. After I told her about everything (I was going to get off my ass and try to get her uncle in trouble) that I had planned, I said my good-bye and dismantled the telescope. Did I tell you that I am an astronomy buff? I recognized her telescope: A high-end Celestron. I broke it down and packed it up in it's bag, making sure to not even put a scratch on it. I told her that she can call me or come over any time she wanted, if she could. I loaded up my car and waved one last time at her. She stood at the window and watched me drive away.

I hope she can find a way to call me when she's feeling lonely or whenever she wants too. But now I have evidence that she has been hit again, straight from the victim's mouth. No, I didn't tear off her clothes and "inspect" her. But I do have a probability that the bastard uncle and aunt will get v&. Hitting a little girl. Man that just disturbs me. So, I've got this broken telescope that I assume has a busted lens. I don't want to let her down, so I'll try my best to get it fixed by tomorrow.

So do you think this makes up for being a cold hearted, 9/11-laughing /b/tard? I hope so.

Part ??? (very early in the morning)

Hey /b/, it is I. Good news and bad news.

This morning before I went to work, I dropped the telescope off at my cousin's shop. He said that it wouldn't take that long, and at the most it will take a couple of days. He didn't go into what was wrong with it, but I had to go to work anyway. Today was a sort of casual day, and I managed to get the temp (sort of my intern) to take my spot so I could get off of work an hour early, and my boss let me. I called my cousin to check up on the telescope, and he had the parts that we needed on the way. Turns out he knows someone who was an expert at fixing telescopes (I'm sure it wasn't his main profession) and he had a replacement part RTG. Now all he had to do was get it fixed, and that should take a few hours. Things were moving along quicker than I expected. If it all went to plan, I would have her telescope ready for her today but that didn't seem to be enough. So, I made a trip to the mall to get her some books and maybe a new classical CD. I went into a Barnes & Noble and looked around for some astronomy books. I saw a few star chart type books, an Astronomy book for kids, and a book about how to use a telescope (also for kids). I got all three, then made my way to the music shop. There was not a wide selection of classical, but I wanted to get her some more of it since I'm sure she had heard her CD over and over a million times. I got a "best of" CD with a few artists on it.

So now I had an assortment of gifts, and time to kill. I took all my stuff home and started to read one of the books. So nothing happens until around six, when my cousin calls and says "Come by in about a half an hour, I'll have it ready by then". I was surprised how quickly he got it done, but I'm not complaining. So thirty minutes later I drove down there, and sure enough he had it fixed. He said that it was still delicate, and that I shouldn't play around with it. I thanked him, and payed him in full (rather than our discount) for the speedy job. Ok, so soon I would case Juliette's house and if nobody was there I would deliver her telescope, CD's, and books. So I loaded my stuff up and drove down there. The telescope was wrapped up in a bag inside it's case. When I pulled up, I heard sound from inside the house. . bad sound. The aunt and uncle were there for once, and they were arguing. I didn't know what to do, I knew I shouldn't just knock on the door, but I didn't want to leave in case Julie was getting abused in there. So I just sat in my car and waited. Every once in a while I saw someone go past the window, flailing his/her arms around and screaming. I felt like busting in the place and taking her out of there, but I still didn't know if she was involved or not. It was starting to get less light (not dark yet, just less light out), and I knew I couldn't stay for ever. And then, the door slammed open, and the uncle stormed out and got in a beat up old car, and then just drove off. As he was pulling out, the aunt came out and started throwing things at the car and yelling more. I ducked down in my car so they didn't see me.

She then fell down on the ground, and it looked like she hit her head on a stone in the yard. Uh-oh. Thinking of an Alibi just in case, I got out of the car and walked over. I looked to see if she was alright, and she had busted her head pretty bad on a stone. It wasn't cracked open, but there was blood. I asked if she was OK, but she was knocked out cold. I couldn't just leave now. I went inside the house to find a phone (to call the police) when I saw her. She was sitting in a corner, her headphones on and with a pillow being held tightly in her arms. Her eyes were clenched shut and I could see that she had been crying. I walked over to her, and as I approached she clenched more. Until I touched her head. She squealed, then looked up to see me. I had a over coat on, un-buttoned. I cast a shadow over her, so I imagine i looked pretty awesome from her perspective. . I digress. When she saw that it was me, she jumped up and grabbed onto me.

"What happened here?" I asked

"They, they are fighting again. . but it was never like this. ." She said, managing to speak with her throat all choked up from crying.

"Shh, don't cry. It's OK, I'm here." I said, running my finger through her hair.

"Please. . . why can't you take me away?" She asked. "I wish it were that easy. Oh, damn. . I need to call the police, you're aunt hit her head on a stone out there and she looks pretty bad."

She sniffed, and showed me to the phone. So after I called, I went out to the yard to see if she was still alive. She was still knocked out, but was breathing. Julie was standing in the doorway, staring at me. I kind of looked like a hitman the way I was dressed, as pointed out by Julie:

"you look like a killer." she said, mood lightened.

"I do?" I laughed a little, despite the situation.

"well, yeah. Like I saw this movie with a killer in it, and he dressed the same way you did. And of course you're standing in front of a body."

I laughed again. **** her, if she wants to get drunk and smoke around a little girl she deserves to be in this situation.

I remembered the gifts, but decided against giving them to her right now. It just wouldn't be as special. The police showed up, and I told them what I saw. Then they asked Julie what she saw, and she told them. Our stores matched like a puzzle, so I was in the clear. They knew that she would be unable to take care of herself alone at the house (she could, but I don't blame her for saying she can't) so they were going to take her to a foster home or whatever. It was her that brought up the idea: she go with me. I explained to them everything I knew of her situation, and she confirmed it all. I said that I had found her on the street last weekend, and that I turned her into the authorities like I should have. After I said that I could watch her, and they made sure that she wanted to, they told me that as long as we knew each other that It was possible. They just had to take her into the station to get her claim (cases without children aren't like that, they just take what they get from the scene) about what happened once again. so they did, and when it was all said and done, I brought up the fact that she was being abused at home, and that they should get the CSS to investigate her case, and they said that would be a good thing to do. So, I took her home and guess what? I offered her if she wanted to order a pizza, and she told me, and I quote "I hate pizza". I lol'd.

So, after that (I ordered Chinese instead) I showed her my gifts. She was so damn happy, it made me feel like my whole life before that point was worthless. It felt so good to see the light in her eye as I handed her the telescope, CD's, and books. She gave me a big hug, and I put in one of her new CD's in my Bose stereo and we listened to it as I showed her the books I got for us. When our food arrived, we ate it as it started to get dark. She seemed tired, so I pulled out the futon in my study so she could lie down. She's up there sleeping right now, and I'm as happy as possible. I'm just damn lucky that the cops didn't be dicks about it. I'll confess, I told them that I took care of her some times (not a total lie if you think about it) to get them to let me take her, but in the end we're all happy. They would contact me later to tell of how everything is going. So, for tl;dr: got loli's telescope fixed, saved loli from an argument, took loli home, gave loli gifts, loli haet pizza, and I'm living the high life.

Hey /b/, it's me again.

Well, first let me say thank you for all the support. I felt good when my thread was revived at the last moment, and got some good discussion in it. Some time before It died, I went to bed. I fell asleep pretty quickly, and it was a nice deep sleep. But this morning, I woke up with someone in my bed. She had crawled into bed with me some time last night. I didn't really mind, but she startled me when I woke up. I patted her head to see if she was going to wake up soon, and she just stayed right-on sleeping. I felt weird that day, I felt like I didn't want to go to work. I hadn't missed a single day so far all year, and I had some vacation time anyway, so I called my boss and said I was sick. He understood, and hoped I got better. Ok, great, I've got the whole day to spend with her (or at least until they collect her). We spent the day reading out astronomy books, listening to the CD I got her, and talking. We had a heart to heart about the situation, and she broke down with emotions. It's weird, but I felt like Leon. I have known this loli for less than a week, and she's throwing herself all over me like I was her father. And no, I'm not a "cleaner".

So the day went pretty normal. No call from any police or CSS or anything. I didn't think much of it, because we were having fun. I learned some more about her parents: She told me that what she remembers of them is foggy, but she does remember them having a lot of books and being into astronomy. They liked classical music, nice food, and they seemed to live a perfect life. It's ironic that these people could be so perfect (in my eyes) and have such close relatives that were total trash. She also said that they would always go out together and eat at fancy restaurants. Then one day they went out to go to the park together, and while they were on their way (they walked) there were some kind of gang members all out in the street. Then she just remembers gunshots and hiding behind a car while her parents got gunned down. She said that the police said that it was an un-intentional shooting, and that the gangs were aiming at each other. But, bullets are nasty things to try to control. I almost started crying right there. Imagine: being a little girl, out with your parents on yet another fun day out, and then their lives are over just like that. I'm surprised she managed to remember all that, she was only 4. But I don't underestimate her. But anyway. . . moving onto a lighter topic.

Since there was no call from any organization, we planned on going out and stargazing tonight. I'm sure her telescope is OK to be taken out of it's case now, and I've got a perfect spot to go where we can see the most stars. Even with all the thoughts of sadness, she managed to be as happy as I've ever seen a person. She was happy to know that act two of her life was over, now we were moving into act three. I, myself felt this to be a turning point in my life. Who knows, maybe I'm just overreacting to this. But at least I know she'll never have to go back to the aunt and uncle after what happened, and I'm willing to fight tooth and nail to get her into a better home. And she seems to like my home a lot, so here is where she is destined to be. So, /b/, tonight at around 12 I'm taking her stargazing. I know it seems late, but from what I've seen she won't even mind staying up till three if she wanted to. If anything eventful happens, I'll update you when we return. But I probably won't. See you later /b/. In b4 newfaggish and total irrelevant bashing

Hello again /b/, nice to see you again.

I'm sure I don't have to talk about the whole Caturday nap, you all know. It's been since Friday that I gave you an update because of it, and since then some big things have been happening. Pretty much I had her all weekend. Then when Monday came around, I didn't know if I should stay with her or go to work. I ended up letting her stay home alone, and it worked out well. She didn't burn the place down or anything. So Tuesday, I got a call from the police. I'll tell you about all that later. But for now: Saturday. Saturday is the day we went out stargazing at night. And I can tell you, it was magic. I wanted to go Friday night, but I had some at home work to do to make up for me staying home Friday. So we went out at around 11:00 Saturday night, and set up the spot up on Grandview Park. We could see the lights of the city shining right across the river, and sounds of the pine trees rustling and the smell of the wind filled the air. We got unpacked, and set up the telescope. I had a boom box, and I played the CD I bought her quietly as we looked around. The sky wasn't perfect for stargazing, but you could see quite a bit. But I really didn't care about the stars. I just cared about looking back down at her beaming smile. She was so damn happy, I don't think anything could ruin it. We found Polaris, a few constellations, and just looked around. I was having a lot of fun too. But this was her night, a chance to feel like her life meant something and to show her that there was still good in the world. She started feeling hungry, so we unpacked our (you guessed it) sammiches from a Deli. She ate hers quickly, and I just enjoyed mine. We started talking some more about her life at school.

She says that when she goes to school, she isn't very popular. She doesn't have many friends, they all think she's crazy. She does well from what I've heard, but she never goes because her damn uncle never would take her in, and there is a long walk to there and back. Poor girl. So we talked for most of the time, wile just looking up at the sky. It was very nice, and there was a feeling that I don't think I've ever felt before. But I won't get all wishy washy on you, I know how you are. So anyway, we went home late at around 1:30 or so, and I crashed in my bed, as did she on her futon. But the next morning, I woke up with a little body in my bed. I didn't mind. For the rest of the weekend, we mostly just sat around and listened to music and read. I showed her some of my favorite bands, including The Coral, New Pornographers, and REM. She seemed to like most of it, but it was hard explaining the name of The New Pornographers to her. She especially liked Sing Me Spanish Techno (by TNP), that was funny, I've always loved that song too. Then Monday came, I left her with my house at her disposal and it's needless to say that she (as well as Sing Me Spanish Techno) was on my mind all day. I came home to find her at my computer. gee, let's hope she didn't find my porno stash, eh? Hehe. I asked her if she's ever used a computer before, and she told me what I assumed. No, she's never even seen one except at school. So I kind of showed her around and things. She took an interest in it and that made me happy. So now she'll either grow up to be an astronomer or a computer-using something. Computer skills are becoming a necessity, after all.

That night, I took her out to a, Italian restaurant. I kind of wanted to teach her some table manners and the like, but we mostly just talked about other things. When we got home, I introduced her to the crazy laugh-thirsty tickle monster! I know, it's corny and may even sound perverted, but come on, she's a kid. Kid like tickles, right? Oh well, she liked it at least. She got her bath as I lie down in bed with my book. She came in just before I was going to go to sleep. I asked her what she needed, and she wanted to lay down with me. "well, you might as well. You seem to end up here in the morning anyway." I showed her the book I was reading, and eventually she fell asleep. As did I. So Monday morning, I got some news. It turns out that the drunk bastard uncle was found crashed into a tree in the ****ing cemetery. He didn't die (damn it) but he had to get treated for trauma/whiplash whatever doctors invent to get your money. The aunt was OK, but needed stitches and things, but would also survive. The officer told me about the rules, and said that they have evidence that the house is not a good place to raise a child, and that she would be sent to the next of kin or a foster home. I mentioned that if she was sent someplace, if I could adopt her. He said, like always, that it wasn't his business. I asked what she was going to do now, and he said that for the time being, I'm the safest and most efficient place for her to be. He said "Make sure she goes to school and brushes her teeth, and you should be fine" That's right, School. Well, she was fully capable of going to school now, it's just that I'm not sure if it would be better to start her off after Christmas or right now, or what. I talked to her about it, and she didn't really mind going, it's just that she hadn't gone in so long.

So that's still undecided. We spent the day walking/jogging around the neighborhood. I also bought her some new clothes. So, that's what's going on with me, /b/. I know it will get saged by a bunch of newfags who don't appreciate what I'm doing for /b/. But hopefully I'll pick a time to post this where several of my 'fans' are on. And by fans I mean people who don't sage because they are dumb nigger kids who can't read. And for all of them tl;dr: **** you, read it yourself

Hey /b/. They still have not taken her, and today something special happened. When I went out to the shopping stores to buy her some new clothes, she said "I love you, Bry." (Bry = Brian) I looked to her and said. "I love you too, Julie. You know that." Then she hit me with a brick: "No, I mean I love you love you." I just had to start laughing. She seemed disappointed "I'm not laughing at you, it's just that that whole idea is funny. I mean, I'm way older than you. I won't even discuss it." So, we dropped it. Until we got home. "About what I said before. I mean it. I never felt this way before." "Of course you haven't, you're only 9 years old, Julie." I was unpacking her new coat and shoes. "But, that doesn't mean I cant be in love." She was eating some cookies and drinking milk while I did all the unpacking. Lazy girl. "Heh, I know what you're saying. But it's not like that. I've been so nice to you, you think you're IN LOVE with me. But, be reasonable here." "I guess. Do you think I was worth it?" I paused and looked at her. "I mean, you didn't have to do this. You could have left me on the street that day." I went over to her and patted her head. "You know, without you, my life wouldn't be half as enjoyable. Of course you are. I'm so glad that I was out there that day, you know." She cheered up a lot when I said that. Then I just had to pull out some sneaky tickles on her, and she laughed and laughed. So everything was still OK. I knew she would approach me like that sooner or later, it was a bit sooner than I expected.

But anyway, I didn't care. Right now I have some music playing, I'm watching some TV on my computer, and she's eating some fried chicken. Nope, she's not black either.

So guys, that's it. And note that I don't intend on turning /b/ into some faggy blog, I'll only tell you about important stuff after this. Seeing as I know it's imminent that I get to keep her and everything, things will gradually get less and less exciting. So, did I do the right thing? I think I did. but after all this is /b/, you're going to say I should have poopered her. tl;dr: Learn to read, faggots.

Hello /b/, it is me again.

Just wanted to fill you guys in on everything: From the looks of it, she'll never leave me. Nobody has called after the first time, nobody stopped by, nothing. But I can't complain. I've enjoyed having her around and I know she enjoys all the things I'm doing for her. I took her out to buy some new clothes, and she really liked shopping for them. And about what happened the other day, when she said she was in love with me. It's the classic case of a girl who was mistreated before, and treated well by a guy, and so naturally her response is to love that guy. Watch Leon, you'll see. And no, I don't drink nothing but milk, and I'm not a cleaner. It's also interesting to note that she has taken an interest in jumping on my computer when I'm away. She never does anything, but I showed her where the music and pictures were. I guess I'll have to teach her how to use a computer now. But there's nothing wrong with teaching them things early, in fact it's better. Especially in a situation like hers where she's more likely to listen to me than anyone else. So anyway, I just wanted to give you guys an idea of what it's like here. In b4 faggots telling me to go to a blog site. tl;dr: learn to read.

Hey /b/. I know you all hate me, because I'm doing you all a favor by sharing my story with you all, and I'm sure you'll all want another Slowpoke combo thread, or a "rate my cawk" thread, or a nice WHEN I WAS. . . But I haven't told you about anything recently, so I might as well make a short update for those of you that care. Juliette has been sick lately. I mean, really sick. I took her into the doctors office, and he just gave us some antibiotics and recommended sleep. I could have told her to sleep. . . It's about 45 degrees right now, and my heater isn't working. I had to get out an old space heater, only to have it start smoking. I knew it did that, but Julie insisted I took it away from her ASAP. So It's pretty cold in my house right now, and that isn't a good thing when you're running a fever. So all of last week and over the weekend we didn't do anything fun, we didn't go out or anything but rather just stayed in inside to fight back the sickness. I'm starting to get worried, I may take her to a hospital to see if she has some kind of illness that's more than just a simple flu. So after this thread gets saged to death by assholes, I'm going to go to sleep with her. I don't mind if I get sick, just as long as she feels safe and comfortable.

Hey it's Romeo-san, back from the dead like the great phoenix. Changes at 4chan? That's pretty irrelevant, but it's been a long time since I've been here. Anyway, Juliette has come over her illness and is the happy girl she once was. I've met a woman whom I'm quite smitten with. I met her in the waiting room of the clinic (on our last visit) when she asked me "is this your daughter?" I didn't know what to tell her, so I just explained it all. She thought it was sweet what I was doing, and we started talking.

Since then, we've gone out to eat and I had her over at my place. No secks yet fellas, but I've got a feeling that I'm in love. That's pretty good, since if we get together there is a better chance that I'm keeping Juliette for ever. So anyway /b/, if anyone cares, I'm still alive. And if you don't care, you can go back to your fake CP threads and the furry bullshit soon, I doubt this thread will go long un-saged. Also, someone IMed me saying that a bunch of people drew Juliette for me. Is this so?

Hello Wikichan, I'm black yall, I'm blacker than black yall, and I'm black yall and I'm black yall, I'm black and I'm back. I've received lots of IM's and Emails saying that I shouldn't quit writing updates, most of which were quite convincing. So I've decided to come back, at least to Wikichan for now. The maybe 4 people on /b/ who like me live in different time zones, and my threads are usually missed by people who care. So anyway, I have a couple big events to update about: Christmas and New Years First of all, Christmas:

Two days before Christmas, me and Julie went out to get a tree. Since I waited so long to even think about getting a tree, there were barely any places in town where I could get one. Me and her decided to call it quits and return home. But then on the way home, she yelled "Look! There's a bunch of trees!", pointing at a roadside stand that had a couple trees left. We pulled up, and I started chatting with the owner of the place while Julie looked for a nice tree. The guy was the biggest Christian I've ever met. Every two words were either "the good lord" or "Jesus" and long strings of words such as "The good lord helped get us these glorious trees!" and such. Juliette was taking her sweet time picking out a tree she liked, and I just wanted to get out of there as this guy was prying into my personal life. "So what church do you attend, sir?" he asked. "I... uhh, whoa look at that Spyder!" I responded, pointing to a Chevrolet SS. "That car sure does look nice. The guy takes good care of it." I said, keeping the subject off religion as much as I could. I only did this because I didn't want to offend the guy and make him refuse to sell us a tree, since he was the last guy in the whole state of Pennsylvania who was selling Christmas Trees. I am a strong Atheist, and I hate it when people like this guy assume everyone is as Christian as Christ. If this guy starts preaching to me, I swear to god th- OOPS CAN'T SAY THAT LOL.

Anyway, Julie finally called out to me that she found a pretty tree, and I just payed for it and left. While I loaded it up on top of my car, I tossed the rope over the top of it to Julie to feed back to me. It hit her right in the face. Do'h! And as me and this little girl struggled to tie a tree to a tiny cat in the freezing wind, this asshole sat in his little tent with a cup of coffee and a space heater. So we finally managed to tie it on, and as we got in the car to leave, the guy came over and said "The lord bless you two on this wonderful Christmas holiday! I'll keep you in my prayers!" with a goody goody face. "Yeah? Well, actually I've never been fond of magic and parlor tricks." I said. I know, I'm no good at coming up with snappy one-liners... ... it made Julie laugh.

So after that, everything went pretty well. Christmas finally came around, and my brother came in from Boston. He didn't know about Juliette until this point. When he showed up at my doorstep with a bottle of champagne and a giftbox: "So uh... who's this little lady?" he asked in a tone that made me laugh. "Her name's Juliette, I kidnapped her." I said, taking the bottle of champagne and walking back into the house. He just stood there, with a look of "ok... wait wut?" on his face. The two met, and he was still a bit freaked over the fact that I had a 'daughter' around. But enough of this, it was time to open gifts. Juliette made me a clay model of my house with two vaguely human shaped blobs out front, one taller than the other. She was proud. In return, I got her a new dress (ultra kawaii desu ne) a new coat (a long, green duster type thing) and a few new books. She was overjoyed. My brother Peter got me "the gold box" that included: The Orange Box, a new hard drive, and a packet of mints. Thank you, Peter. he also brought a card from my sister Clarice. Overall it was a normal, nothing special Christmas. Juliette helped make dinner, and I burnt the rolls ;_;

Now, more currently, Something weird did happen two days after Christmas: Me and Julie went out to do some shopping, and she wore her new dress (super kawaii desu ne~) with ribbons in her hair (uber moe kawaii~~). While we were looking around at some shops, I began to notice some nigra was following us around. He wasn't being very subtle either, walking behind us in plain sight, and whenever we went into a shop he would wait outside at the door. He looked like he was a crack addict, and I began to fear he was going to try to snatch Julie when we left the shops. So I instructed her to keep walking after a bit, as I turned around to confront the guy. As soon as I turned around, he stopped and ran off. Pussy? I think yes. I'm not even tough looking at all. But anyway, I became the big hero of the day, and Julie remains unsnatched.

For New Years eve, me and Julie pretty much did our usual routine, except we watched the ball drop (or slowly lower, either one) at midnight. Shortly before, I explained the whole "kissing at midnight" deal to her. She jokingly referred to it as the "pervert tradition", to that I said "Like it's worse than mistletoe?". And if you're all wondering, yes, she did kiss me at midnight. Then after that, we went back to watching Neon Genesis Evangelion. Speaking of that, she's actually quite a little fan of that show. I can't say I'm not either. I think I'm going to bring her up as a living version of Konata. Anyway, animu aside, things are going pretty well. I've made it a point to get in contact with some kind of authority some time next week. Let's hope it all goes well. But since this all began, it's just been a free ride of fun and unoficiallity. But my chances are pretty good: I've got a good job, a clean criminal record, a nice house in a great neighborhood, a bit of money, and all of her family ties have been severed. I'm the only one she wants to be with. Uh... actually, she'd live with Jake too... but that's irrelevant. So Jake, if you're reading this, I have made my homage to you. I took the image down due to some personal reasons.

Hello everyone, Romeo-san here. Well, I finally got off my lazy ass and called CPS. I can't really say anything happened that I didn't expect, but it still does hurt a little. It all started when several of the people who IM me frequently said that I need to get in gear and make a call. I decided, well, they are right, so I'm going to do it this week. I told Juliette what was going on, and she seemed shocked that I would ever take the risk of losing her again. I told her that this had to happen, and we've had a free ride for long enough. I won't describe everything that happened in full detail, but I will fill you all in. I made the call when I got home from work, while Julie was still at my cousin's shop (where she stays while I'm at work). They pulled up some records, and found that they meant to check up on everything, but it got lost along with many other cases. They pretty much told me that nothing was wrong, but they were going to send in an agent to do an inspection of the place to make sure that I wasn't mistreating her. This was all fine, I bet my place is better than many of the agents' homes. Anyway, they also required her to go into some kind of psychoanalysis to make sure there was no abuse or anything 'naughty' going on.

This was all Friday, and they scheduled this all for today. She's currently being evaluated in their offices, and later today (around 3:00) she'll be done and they'll bring her back to my house, where they will evaluate my living conditions. If all goes well, they'll let me keep her for the trial period, where they will pop in for visits a couple times a week unannounced to see what it's like behind the doors. Then, if they like what they see, they can get the adoption sequence going. So things are going pretty damn good for me. I'll write more once I get her back to my place, and after the agent leaves (obviously). On a side note, the Aunt died a couple days ago, and the uncle is serving life for drug, weapon, and child abuse charges. So the window is wide open, and things look good. When told of their fate, Juliette responded by saying "Really? Awesome!" or something to that effect.

Hello everyone, high spirits for all. Juliette was brought back to my house a little while after the last thread. The agent that came with her was a big, black dude who seemed to find everything either terribly interesting or terribly funny. Juliette jumped out of the car and ran up to my front porch to give me a big hug. The agent came up and introduced himself as Jim. He actually wasn't a bad guy. But, as I expected, he was condescending and noteful about everything I said. I showed him around the house, and he was pretty impressed that I keep such a nice place. He then saw my leaky sink. The faucet on that sink has been bothering me for days, I tighten it, but it just gets leaky again. So now whenever the water is off, it sprays a mist into the air. This was one of his only complaints, other than the fact that she doesn't have a bed. Well, she does. And it's a nice futon. But apparently, children need triple queen sized canopy beds to survive. No matter, it will do. I also said that Bridget is moving in at the end of the month. This made him quite pleased.

He didn't really interview me much, and said that they save that for when I get my adoption interview. So, the future looks pretty good. I'm well on my way to adopting her. I'd like to thank everyone who IM'd me with support/information to help me along the way, and to everyone who didn't sage my threads for being too long. More to come soon.

Hi all. I write this early in the day, as something terrible and a bit disturbing happened. It all started when, this morning, my cousin wasn't at work, and it turns out he had a terrible cold, and couldn't work. So, no big deal, she'll be fine alone for a while, she's done it before. So I take her back home (and begin to run late for work) and provide her with any emergency numbers she could possibly not need. So things were going pretty well, I got to work a bit late, but nothing too bad. Then, I got a call at the front desk. It was Juliette. She was kind of frantic, saying (or yelling) that I needed to get home right away. She said (yelled) that there were ambulances and fire trucks outside, and that it was big trouble. So, naturally I didn't bother to go back to the office to get my coat and ran out the door, telling the secretary that I'd be back. When I got to the house, sure enough, there the whole ES of Pittsburgh was outside the house. I began thinking "oh holy Christ, I'm a ****up" while walking towards the scene. A paramedic held me back when I tried to get into the house, but I said I lived here and I needed to get to my daughter. So after some more ruckus, it was revealed that my neighbor had died of a heart attack. I was still a bit shaken up from the whole "little girl left alone at home screaming for me to come home" deal, but after a while what happened began to sink in. Juliette was freaking the **** out, that's for sure. I don't think she blinked or opened her mouth for about an hour after that...

Anyway, my good friend Peter died. He was a nice guy, actually. And the only reason I didn't let him watch Julie is that he was 56 years old. Apparently, the meals on wheels lady came up to the house as usual and after knocking for five minutes, she barged in to find him lying in the living room. It's a shame, he was the kind of wily old dude that everyone adores. So anyway... I went back in to work and everyone was waiting for me, eyes wide open and ready for bad news. They all knew that it was Julie who called me. They were all worried that something bad had happened, since because of my whole situation I'm the big popular guy on my floor. I guess she called the company front desk for some reason, and she secretary said that she yelled "WHERE IS BRIAN!? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY I NEED TO TALK TO BRY RIGHT NOW!" I told everyone that it was just a misunderstanding, but I still needed to leave work for the day. I actually didn't need to, but I liked the feeling of being home during the day, so here I am.

I'm reading her Les Miserables (full and unabridged) and she's getting pretty into it. I skipped most of it to get to the good part: Cosette. When I think about it, Julie is Cosette, and I am Jean. Although I'm not 55 years old, and I've never been to prison. Her French lessons are coming along well, by the way.

Hey Wikichan. Pretty fun today, regardless of some bad news, more on that later. Peter's funeral was today. I think that it's a bit sudden, and I think it has something to do with his family moving away this week or something. Either way, Julie and I attended her first funeral. To be honest, I was fully expecting some sort of crazy happenings, so it's no surprise that a minor little thing happened. Now, I knew peter like an uncle. I knew that he was a rock solid atheist bastard who got a boner from Darwin. But as soon as I walked up to the steps(!) of the church it was being held at, a pastor started preaching to me before I even walked in the door. He said something like "Lord bless us on this tragic day, and the same to you, little lady!" and tried to reach down and pat Julie's shoulder. I sort of pushed his hand away from her, and gave him a look like 'gtfo n00b' and walked in. There weren't that many people there, just his family and most of my neighborhood. Here's what I had with me: My eulogy, a pamphlet they gave our stating "finding god is easy when you've got nowhere else to go", and a CD I made with one song on it. What song? I'll give you some hints; it was written by a 14 year old. Give up? None other than Suicide Is Painless. Or as some of you know it as, the theme song to MASH. I knew how much Peter loved that show (being a Korea veteran and all) I was going to play it. I figured it would bring everyone to tears. Anyway, we got our seats and I unpacked all of my things. Julie was already fidgeting in her hard wooden seat. Now, many of you may be thinking I'm some ignorant atheist scumbag, but to be honest I don't mind religion. I just hate it when it gets shoved down everyone's throats. And this particular occasion saw much of this. Peter never bought into the whole Christianity thing, and he actually hated it. It kind of made my stomach churn to see all of these Christian themes in a funeral of an Atheist. And if you want to know, I'm going to raise Julie to be whatever she wants. She doesn't even know of my views on religion, so hopefully she'll grow into a free-minded individual and not a sheep. I digress.

It was over an hour later when the actual funeral started. I had read my "finding god is easy when you've got nowhere else to go" pamphlet several times now, as well as procured a strong hatred to Suicide Is Painless having listened to it almost five trillion times. The seats still didn't fill up much, and I could only recognize about ten people. Most of his 'beloved family' were chattering on their cell phones and to each other, and that pissed me right off. Peter wasn't a saint, but he didn't deserve to be ignored like this. A church organ started playing to single all of us to shut up, and everyone did... except for his nieces/nephews with their cell phones. I'll spare you all the ho-hum and proceedings and jump right into my eulogy. I was one out of maybe three people to actually deliver one (the other two were his daughter and one of the neighbors). When I got up to go to the podium, Julie (loudly) said "GOOD LUCK BRY DON'T PEE YOUR PANTS UP THERE". I figured this much, and it was hard to contain my laughter. I manged to get up there without peeing my pants, and I signaled to Julie to behave. I started off simple, and then began to say that Peter wouldn't have wanted all of this religion intruding into his afterlife, but quickly went on to avoid any nasty eyes. I had the CD in the tape player ready to play, with my hand on the remote to control it. I wanted to end mine (the last one) special, so as soon as I said the closing words, I would press play and start the song playing. Things went pretty well, and the opening started. I looked out across all of the mildly sad faces, to see that the song had NO EFFECT ON ANYONE. NOBODY even blinked! It was if they did not pick up on the horrible sadness that should spill upon them! It did kind of bring me to tears, and Julie saw this and started crying as well. But I think we were the only two people in the whole church who gave a shit about Peter. I silently walked back to my seat after the song finished, ashamed and angry.

Then came the open casket ceremony. Oh boy, another chance for Julie to mess it all up. I asked her "Would you like to wait here, or go see him?" "Who?" she asked "Peter.." "DIDN'T HE DIE OF A HEART ATTACK OR SOMETHING?" (facepalm.jpg) She decided to come along, and she took a big, long look at him. I had to shove her forward to keep the line moving. I left a carnation at the casket.

Everything pretty much went on normally from there. I left the funeral pretty angry, and on the way home Julie had to take the blunt of my anger. "What are these peoples' problems?! This man served in Korea, and nobody even cares about him!? You met him, he was a nice guy, wasn't he?" "Hmm...? Oh, sure..." She said.

I was silent the rest of the ride.

I'd also like to take this time to mention that a dear friend of mine (Julie's 'uncle') has found out that his mother has cancer spreading through her body. I'd just like to say that he and her are in my thoughts as I write this, and I hope that many of you readers can keep them in your thoughts/prayers. Thank you.

Good evening, reader your honor! Wikichan will plainly show the prisoner, who now stands before you, was caught red handed showing feelings! Showing feelings of an almost human nature... This will not do. CALL THE CPS! I make such light of such serious subjects. Lots of things have been happening. Erika bashing in her head, my friend and his mom's cancer, Peter dying, his loving daughter chewing me out for 'causing a scene', and 'Jim' trying his hardest to find fault. They made a visit to my place while I was at work. Luckily, I took Julie to my cousin's shop, or CPS would have a hissy about me leaving her home. He left a note on the door for me to give him a call, so I did. He said that he would be over in "ezahctla teh minus" to take a peek inside. He also said that it was a good thing that I had a job.. hah.

When he finally arrived, he brought with him some chick who I assumed to be a girl counselor or psychologist. She introduced herself (or rather Jim introduced her) as Carol. I had Cat Stevens playing inside, and Julie was listening to it and eating some dinner. The moment Carol walked in, she recognized this as "hippy muisc". Oh laaawwdd, she seemed like a bitch. Jim seemed to like it, though. "Thah guy has ah pretteh vouice". Anyway, I turned the music off so we could have a chat. Carol said that she was here to make sure that nothing was happening to Julie while she was in my care, and Jim came by default, being the agent assigned to her case. Carol asked if she could talk to Julie in private, or rather she demanded so. The way she came off, it seemed like it was her life's goal to make the process as difficult and sad for everyone involved. She took Julie by the hand, and nearly dragged her into the kitchen. Me and 'Jim' got to talking, and he said that I had very good chance of adoption, but I would have to get her a proper bed. I tried reasoning with him that she's happy on her futon, but nogo. So I need to go out and buy her a queen sized bed. Hah.

He interviewed me some more, asking the normal stuff. Do you drink? Do you smoke? Have you ever taken any illegal substances? Do you posses pornography? The last one was a bit of a shocker. I managed to answer truthfully 'no'. When asked if it really mattered, he said that he has seen a lot of times where a girl is getting adopted and the father owns pornography in physical form, she gets ahold of it, and the Electra sets in. That reminds me, Julie is showing more and more a bad case of Electra Complex. She's too smart to tell CPS that she has feelings for me, but I can tell that she's got something in her mind. I don't blame her, and these feelings are all normal since 1: I'm not her real father 2: I rescued her from a living hell 3: I've been so good to her 4: I'm the only person she's around most of the time (excepting my cousin). If you were a confused girl, and all this happened to you, you would feel the same way. Something has to be done, however, as I don't plan on perusing a v& just to make her happy. I'm sure that once she gets into the outside world, she'll change her mind about me being 'the only guy for her' and meet other boys her age. Ahh, young love in the Season in the Sun.

Back to the meeting. Things went on for about an hour, then the agents got their things and started to leave. Carol showed me the results of Julie's shake-down... interview and it said what I had known already. I noticed that Julie was crying a little, so I made sure to get them out the door in a hurry to see what was wrong. Once I managed to get some time alone with her, I perused it. I asked her what was wrong, and why she was upset. She sniffled and told me "The lady asked me if you ever hit or touched me..." "Well I never did, so what's the matter?" I asked, patting her head. "Well, she asked me about my bad uncle... and she made me talk about the things he did." With that, she actually started crying.

I gave her a hug and told her to forget all about those times. You see, these agents do not care about the child. They don't care if they make the child reenact what abuse came onto them, they don't care if they make them describe it in full detail. Even if it makes a little girl cry. This would be the first time she's had to remember these times for a while. And there are many things that happened that you all are not aware of. I'm not really comfortable disclosing this here, and I doubt it was any easier for her to keep a cheerful disposition when that bitch Carol was grilling her like that. That's the update for today, I'm off.

And also, I still have my friend in my thoughts, and I hope that you, you total strangers, can find it in your hearts to keep him and her in your thoughts.

In lighter news, I've also found out that another one of my AIM friends has been inspired by my story and has taken up full responsibility of his niece. It makes me feel good that he's been so turned on by my story that he has someone to love now. But if he wants you all to know of his life, let him post.


Hello, hello, hello! Friday was a wonderful day, indeed! The reading of Peter's will has been pushed back to this afternoon. He said that he left me something nice, so I can't wait to find out what it is. Bridget (nor a tarp) moved all of her stuff into my house Friday. And as a bonus, she was nice enough to come with it. Now, so far Julie hasn't tried to rip Bridget's eyes out, but so far they've only been together for a little while. They've spent longer periods of time together than this, and I'm going to have to see how things turn out in the days to come. Let's all hope/pray that Julie doesn't go batshit insane on us.

Bridget brought a mattress, and this will get turned into Julie's new bed. Along with it, she brought her PC, and a laptop. So pretty much I'm swimming in joy right now. Julie can't put down the laptop, and we're thinking of putting her PC in the basement. It's not a very big basement, but there sure as hell isn't anything in there. So now I've gotten my life's goal: a family. I'm so happy I can hardly count. We all stayed up pretty late last night (it being a good Friday and all) so I'm the only one awake. We slept in the same bed together, all cuddled up and warm. I looked into the bedroom a couple minutes ago, and Julie is all snuggled up to Bridget, and vice versa. I've got a feeling everything is gonna be OK.

Making a short update now, because there probably will be another one later today.

Hello again, idiots and morons. I left you all wondering what I would receive in Peter's will. And now I'm here to tell of the reading. I left Julie with Bridget while I went to the reading. His daughter, her husband and their kids showed up. Along with the meals on wheels lady who found him dead and I guess one of his buddies from Korea. I felt a bit out of place here, not knowing anyone here, and also being the only one who cared. Actually, his buddy cared a lot about him. He had all the standard POW*MIA attire on. While we waited for the thing to get underway, me and him talked for a while. The guy actually was pretty cool. He had even more stories than Peter did.

I'll spare you all the story, but he was in Peter's outfit. They served in the same basic camp in Virginia, and shipped out together. They had their run of trials, and formed a big friendship. It turns out that he moved to Virginia after the war, and heard about Peter dying, so he bought a train ticket to get up here ASAP. He wasn't at the funeral for obvious reasons, but if he got here before he would have attended. As he told me more, one of the kids there asked him if he ever shot someone. Ugh...

Eventually, a lawyer came in to start the whole thing. I'll save what I was cut to the end, but his Korea buddy got all of his old army memorabilia. The daughter received the estate (that was entitled to her anyway) and his prized hunting rifle to pass onto her kids. He requested that all the furniture remain in the family, so they got that too. What did I get out of all this? I'll tell you. Peter's most emotionally charged items: the whole series of MASH on DVD. That was it. Obviously it wasn't what I expected, but I started crying. There were some other things there, but I'll spare you all.

So I got home, carrying all the episodes of MASH on DVD, with moist eyes. Needless to say, we're all watching MASH on DVD tonight.

Well hell everyone. You remember that kid, the little girl... J.. Julie, Julie is her name. Well, her last name has changed Sunday. Her name is now Juliette K. Fretton. And if you dumbasses don't understand, I have adopted her fully and 100%. I'll spare all the boring details and say that they summoned Julie, Bridget and I to the office to get our last interviews and have our case tried. Once again, they made sure Julie was happy where she was, and did a background check on Bridget. We were brought forward to the big-man adoption judge and we were deemed "appropriate parents for the minor in question" and badda-bing badda-boom she's ours. My sister just flew in from Stockholm (boy are her arms tired) and she brought Jake (nephew), and dragged Pete (brother not the dead guy) over to have a little fiesta.

When everyone arrived, Julie was very shy. Almost so shy as to make your mind explode due to an overload of cuteness. Jake brought Gaytar Queero and his ****ing Wii over. Little did he know I had a Wii already, along with four Wiimotes. "Oh sweet you got a freakin' Wii!" I let Bridget and Julie talk to everyone for awhile as I did some work on my computer, and talked to some AIM buddies at the same time. Julie eventually came running into my computer area, and hugged me saying that she didn't like all the strangers (AwwWWWww). Soon, however, Bridget dragged us out from our sneaky hole of computer mayhem and hang out with my lame family. I'll introduce you all: My sister - Valarie: She is a sort of globe trekker, having never been in the same country for more than a month. My brother - Pete: He's a pretty cool guy. eh has old wine and doesnt afraid of anything. My nephew - Jake (or Jordan wtf): A typical teenager who plays Guitar Hero and is probably some sort of Internet junkie (YTMND, ED, SA, or 4ch0n).

So anyway, my sister took to Julie like they were a long lost daughter/mother pair. Pete was apathetic of her, and Jake seemed to obsess himself over her. I mean, any time he got a chance he was right next to her. When she was sitting on the couch, he even came up and sat right next to her, and put his damn arm around her. He's 16 years old, and I don't see much of a problem about it, but for some reason it just made me a little flustered. Anyway, I was sure there would be no raep in my house.

He also forced everyone to play Guitar Hero with him. It's like he didn't get the message that nobody gave a shit but him, and he somehow neglected to understand that we were all adults. Well, Julie was far from being an adult, but she still didn't give a shit. He made her play him, and if he didn't make it the hardest ****ing Dragonfarce song in the game, she would have beaten his ass. Being a man who can play a real guitar, I had some problems holding a two foot plastic guitar that weighs as much as my keyboard. So back to the main story, we had a little family reunion. My parents were down in goddamn Florida, but otherwise they'd have visited as well. They've seen a couple photos of me and her, and are dying to meet her. We just visited for the night, Bridget made up a big platter of stuff for us to eat, and I held a toast. It went something like this.

  • fixes a sandwich, then holds it up*

"I'd like to propose a toast to my new daughter Julie, and to John Montagu, because without him, none of this would have happened!"

They stayed the night, and are still here, supposedly leaving later tonight. Things are going good here, and I'm happy to say that I've finally formed a family. It may be made up of an adopted daughter and a girlfriend, but it's a family no less. And for those who are keeping tabs, I've begun to read her Marius.

Hey everyone. Well, I've got some good news. Neighbors have moved into the house next door. Neighbors from China. Actually, they came here from Baltimore, but originally they are from China. I met and talked to them when Julie and I went out for a jog this morning. The dad works down at the water company, and the mom is some kind of cosmetic surgeon. They have at least one son aged 19-21 and in College. Also, they have two young girls, one who looks younger than Julie and one who is right around her age. But I'm not sure if there are any others. They seem like good people, and I'm glad that there are some friends for Julie, especially this close.

I can't wait until I host loli sleepovers. Julie can have fun in her own house, while I get to sit back and bask in my blissful chair of pure joy and fatherhood.


I just learned about the ED article about Mitchell Henderson from this site:

You are all truly sick and depraved to have caused so much suffering and misery for his parents. OK, laugh about the fact that they spelled "an hero" wrong, but phoning up his parents on the day of the funeral?

Have any of you insensitive fucks ever lost anyone close? Do you know what the feeling of a death in a family is like? Oh yes, many will bombard me with shit like "we do not forgive, we do not forget" but might I remind you with regards to the influx of spamming that's been happening on your precious little /b/?

You little faggots don't like that, do you? So in actual fact you're nothing but hypocritical bastards that, given the chance, would run a fucking mile if it wasn't for the fact that you have a computer to hide behind.

UTTER FAGGOTS. Cowards who mock dead children are petty and have nothing to be proud about.

Go and fuck yourselves.


Use this to troll /b/

Omg hai ^___^ Im Kirby-chan and I absolutely luuuv @[email protected] Fourchan <3 and my fav is the anime and yaoi boards!!!!! Okies so anyways, im going to tell you about the BEST day of my life when I met my hot husband sasuke!! <333333333 OMFGZ HE WAS SOOOOO FREAKIN KAWAII IN PERSON!!! Supa kawaii desu!!!!!!!! ^______________________________________^

When I walked onto Tokyo street =^____^=I looked up and saw&SASUKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333!!!!

KONNICHIWA OMGZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ SUPA SUPA SUPA KAWAII SASUKE-SAMA!!!!! I yelled n____n then he turned chibi then un-chibi!!

he looked at me [O.O;;;;;;;;;;;] and then he saw how hot I am *___* he grabbed my hand and winked ~_^ then pulled me behind a pocky shop o_o and started to kiss me!!!!!! [OMG!!! HIS TOUNGE TASTED LIKE RAMEN!!! RLY!! >.> <.< >.< *(^O^)* *(^O^)* *(^O^)*] then I saw some baka fat bitch watching us and I could tell she was undressing him with her eyes!!!!!!! [ -_____________-;;;;; OMG I COULDNT BELIEVE IT EITHER!!! (ò_ó) (ò_ó) (ò_ó)] so I yelled UH UH BAKA NEKO THATS MY MAN WHY DONT YOU GO HOOK UP WITH NAURTO CAUSE SASUKE-SAMA LOVES ME!!! (ò_ó) then sasuke held me close =^____^= and said he would only ever love me!!!!!!!! an guess wat!!!!!! he kissed me again!!!!!!! ** (*O*)/ then we went to his apartment and banged all night long and made 42 babies and they all became ninjas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nyaaaaa!!! (^________<) ^_________________^;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Dutch Jail

I'm posting from prison in the Netherlands. Netherlands is soft as fuck - we are allowed to have internets in prison, single cells, no bumraep. I got 9 months for trying to rob a mail office with a watergun with a traffic cone on my head (i got sued by the receptionist who i hurt with the cone).

Netherlands is win. I might just do it again - it's just like home (sittin' on /b/ all day), but i don't have to work, clean or cook (The food is decent). Only problem is I'm next to some fuckwad's cell who starts making loud comments about "The holy lord" when I'm watching porn with sound on (they don't allow headphones). He got in here for beating a gay up.

Fuck. V& isn't so bad here.

The grimier of Retribution

Long time ago the class "Paladin" was born and it had survived from many unfortunate and horrifying events. Among the paladins the rank of retribution was the most fearsome. The retribution paladin knows not fear they strike in to the heart of their enemy and deal complete destruction. But lately the balances of the paladin order have been Brocken. The supreme power of the retribution has been mocked. The retribution paladin has become the lowest of the lowest rank. this was result of the jealousy and hatred from other ranks and classes. As been one of the few surviving hero class the paladins has been targeted. Not only the order was mocked the creators even further disgraced the order by giving the holy sacred power over to the horde. The end is near unless those ranks of holy and protection realize what is happening.

Disgusting PIGS

I was just linked here from a thread on Gaia, and I must say a few things...

1. You guys are racist, sexist, homophobic PIGS. 2. You are the representation of all that is wrong in this world. 3. DISGUSTING FUCKING PEDOPHILES, SICK BASTARDS. 4. You all need to DIE. 5. STAY OUT OF GAIA.


I Hate Women

I hate women I really do. Clearly society is not how it should be. Women are useless. They can’t do anything without men – the computer you’re using right now, who made that? A fucking man, that’s who. Women just leech off men. This is why I want to rape and kill women, I hate their stupid faces. They behave like animals, drinking and having boyfriends. So I will treat them like animals, I will drag them thought the dirt before I slit their throats. Go ahead, call me a virgin. Call me a faggot. Call me whatever – I know I’m right, and secretly so do you.

Think about it /b/ - in cave man times what purpose would woman serve. They would be begging men for food in exchange for sex and getting raped. Seriously, how has society gone so wrong? Women get paid to become pregnant because they behave like whores, they are paid to create more drug addicts to plague an already overpopulated world. Society is manipulated to ensure a “level playing field” to correct the “pay gap” created by women’s lack of skill and motivation.

Name one job a woman can do better than a man that doesn't involve children. Name one woman who did something of historical significance. In a future Utopian society women will be kept in cages and fed raw meat like the animals they are. When they have their period they will be segregated from the rest of the women and put in a dark hole in the ground. When a woman needs to use the toilet they must use another woman's cupped hands, then use the poo to make a soup.

Then when they eat the soup we will round them up by whipping there chubby thighs and whooping "Shakka zulu! Shakka zulu!" until they are all back in there cages. We then being the sorting. Women will be sorted into different categories -- fat and ugly. The fat ones will be used as transport and a source of food, while the ugly ones will be shaved and coated in a viscous lubricant and forced to fight in an arena. The survivor gets to mate with the other women.

Cute Russian girl email


Hi! I'm a single girl and I'm 26 years old. Please take a look at my pictures and let me know if you like them! I live in Russia and I'm going to come to your country and work over there very soon! I don't know anybody over there and I thought it would be great to meet someone who is open to anything (as I am!). I would be happy to be friends, lovers or create a serious relationship! We will see what happens! I hope you will write me back and I will write more info about myself and send more photos!!!!!!!!!!! I am writing from my friend's email address, so please make sure you do not reply directly to this email. Email me at [email protected] only. if you don't use my personal email address then I won't be able to read your reply and write you back. So it is very important that you get it right. Ok, I guess it is now your turn. Hope to hear from you today. Bye!! btw, i got your email from dating website


Dear /b/, I am a horrible fucking person. Today was my little sisters birthday, it is also my last day as a free man. The cops are on their way right now. As my last act before being put on death row I wish to relinquish this story onto /b/, so I can die knowing at least I gave you sick fucks some lulz. So lets start from the beginning shall we?

It was a fairly normal morning. It was 1:30 when I got out of bed. I walked into the bathroom to take my meds. I'm prone to bouts of rage and sexual frustration. As I tilted my head back to down the capsules I swallowed wrong and vomited into the sink. I cursed the pills then went out to the living room. I was surprised to see balloons and party favors all over. It then occurred to me that it was my 11 year old sister Jessica's birthday. My little sisters probably having a surprise party with all her loli and shota friends after school. I'm 26 and unemployed so I'm usually home all the time. I sat down with a bowl of Fritos and watched some shit on Fuse for a while.

It was around 2:30 when my mother got home. "Micheal, come help me with these bags!" she yelled. I obliged since she'd just bitch me out if I didn't. After everything was inside she dropped the disappointment bomb. "Micheal, I want you to set up this stuff. You'll be running Jess's birthday today." "But mom!" I whined. "No buts," she said "I'm going to go take a nap." She was pretty lazy, even for a pregnant woman. I got in the van and drove up to the school. Jessica was standing outside with a group of 5 of her friends. All the little shits climbed into the van. They were all giggling and making immature noises. "Hey aren't you Jess's gay brother?" one laughed. All the kids giggled. "Haha, yeah fuck you kid" I snapped. "MICHEAL!" Jessica shouted. I just rolled my eyes and continued driving. One girl began singing some shitty pop song. It began to make me unbearably angry. I swerved the van violently. The kids started screaming. One boy jolted forward and slammed his head into the seat. "KYLE HIT HIS HEAD!" one girl cried out "MICHEAL, YOU'RE GOING TO KILL US YOU JERK!" Jessica screamed. I don't know what came over me.

As we got home the kids began crowding around the little plastic party furniture begging for food. "Alright, hold the hell on you brats!" I said angrily. I went and got the cake and set it out on the table. Grabbing my Zippo lighter from my pocket, I lit the candles. I stood back and watched as the brats began shouting for her to make a wish. As she leaned to blow them out, I spotted her pink panties coming out of her jeans. She was tempting me, that little bitch, I know she was. "BLOW IT OUT! BLOW IT OUT!" the shrill monotonous tone rang in my head. I couldn't take it anymore /b/! I ran for my room. As I came back out I had donned my viking helmet and held my battle ax mightily above my head. I was naked. The sight of my hairy genitalia swinging back and forth struck fear into the children. "FOR THOR!!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed to the heavens as I charged for the table. I threw my battle ax, chopping a loli in half. Her torso frailed into the air as my battle ax wedged into a wooden bookshelf. I jumped onto one of the plastic chairs, it broke under my weight. I plunged my fist into the cake and smeared it all over my cock. The soft frosting and crumbly texture made me hard. I took a candle and rammed it down my urethra. The kids were frozen with shock. I lit the candle and pushed as hard as I could. The candle rocketed out of my cock and hit a girl in the eye. The force caused me to shit. The girl screamed wildly as her eye was burned out. Her eye socket looked like the perfect hole for my dick. I jammed my cock into her eyesocket and fucked it. She cried as her head jolted back and forth. The violent jolting snapped her neck killing her instantly. I came.

The Kyle boy started to get up to run away so I grabbed a chair and cracked him in the skull. His face landed flat in my shit and he suffocated. "THE CAKE IS A LIE!" I said flapping my cock about, shaking cum in several directions. A fat little girl was waddling over to the phone to call the police. "ITS PINATA TIME!" I yelled. I grabbed the cake knife, and with my viking prowess, backstabbed the fatty. I slid the knife upwards making a slit in her back. Her fat made it like cutting through cream cheese. I reached in and grasped her spine. With all my strength I tore out her spinal cord. I wanked some little nerdy girl over the head with it. I then set it on the floor and slowly inserted it into my rectum. The ribbed feeling gave me immense pleasure. "MAY THE THUNDER GODS BLESS ME!" I exclaimed grabbing my battle ax out of the woodwork. I cut little Suzie's legs off. This made her more fuckable. Jessica vomited and passed out. I scraped up her vomit and stripped little Suzy. She was too preoccupied to resist. I smeared the barf all over her vagina. I then licked it off. The taste was god-awful. It made me throw up onto her face. She choked to death on my sick.

The commotion made my mother come out. "SWEET TOASTER FUCKING JESUS!" she screamed. I ran up and FALCOOOOOOOOON PAUUUUUUNCHED her in the vagina. My arm slid all the way up to her womb. I tore the fetus out. As I pulled out a bunch of slimy goo watered out. "Hey mom want this fetus?" I asked. She was too busy violently throwing up to answer me. I raised my arm and crushed the baby in my hand. My mother was heaving blood at this point. I took the crushed fetus into the kitchen and slam-dunked it into the blender. "And now its time for cooking with Micheal!" I said like a t.v. chef. Adding an eyeball, the fat loli's liver, and Kyle's scrotum into the blender, I turned it on high. I took a sip of my smoothie. It was the most delicious culinary masterpiece in the world. I took the rest and sliding the spine out from asshole, I gave myself an enema.

My sister began waking up from her concussion. As her eyes opened she awoke to the sight of my hairy asshole pointing in her face. She opened her mouth to scream, now was my time. I launched the smoothie out of my asshole along with watery, bloody shit. Her scream was muffled into a gargle. My sloppy enema shot down her throat. Her eyes were tearing up. The smell was so intense it gave her a bloody nose. I turned around and pointed my hard cock in her face. I positioned it towards her nose. With immense power I fucked her nose at full force! The blood was an awesome lubricant. The pleasure became more intense. I came buckets right up her nose. My cum went straight into her lungs, tarring them up. As she began gasping for air I looked around the bloody smeared, shit stained room. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA!" I said smiling at her tear and enema covered face. She took one last gasp. I gazed happily upon her corpse. The only I regret is that I didn't take my pills today...

7chan Theme Song

A long long time ago
I can still remember how
the Jailbait used to make me smile.

And I knew if we had done well,
Those furfags would have yiffed in hell,
And there'd be no more newfags for awhile...

But Gaia faggots made me shiver,
with every /r/equest I delivered.
Bad news on the front page;
I barely held in my nerd rage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I saw the stickies far and wide,
but someone called the F.B.I.,
the day that 4chan died.


Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site
Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5
Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan
Posting "This'll be the day we get banned,
this'll be the day we get banned."

Now did you write the rules of /b/,
and were we like Fight Club secretly?
It was better then, if you ask me...

Now do you believe in a fucking cat?
Can Raptors save your mortal ass?
And can you teach me how to "GET" reeeal faaast?

Well I know that Tom Green rued the day when we
called his hotline to make him say
"Do a barrel roll!"
Man, I dig those crazy trolls!

I was a lonely teenage hate machine
with a new computer and an old routine,
but I knew someone would intervene
the day that NIGGERTITS died.

And we we posting, "Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site
Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5"
Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan
Posting "This'll be the day we get banned,
this'll be the day we get banned."

And there we were all on the *chan
With Gaston groupies and Desu spam
With no time left to start again.

So come on, post some CP, post some tits,
Post a picture of your 2-inch dick,
Because in the pooper is where they stick.

And as moot posted "No more Grey"
The mods were banning night and day
No /b/rother born to lurk
Could stand that circle jerk!

The flamewars mounted left and right,
From mods who'd gotten too uptight,
I saw Bob Ross laughing in delight,
The day that FAILchan died

And he was singing, "Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site
Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5"
Some good old lulz were made on that aging *chan
Posting "This'll be the day we get banned,
This'll be the day we get banned."


I found a site that didn't lose,
So I asked them for some happy news,
But they just told me to lurk some moar.

I bookmarked this new "7chan"-
Where the mods were cool and they didn't ban,
Just for posting contraband.

And back at '4, the lolis screamed,
The oldfags left and the newfags beamed,
But no anon was jokin'.
The combos all were broken.

And the three mods most requiring hax,
The Ian, the Moot and the holy Snacks-
They drove to Mexico and laughed,
The day that FAILchan died.

And we were posting...

Bye bye, to the NIGGERTITS site,
Where I'd linger with a finger always over F5
Some good old lulz were had on that aging *chan
Posting "This'll be the day we're all banned,
this'll be the day we're all banned."

Thank You /b/ for Great Justice!

I now agree more than ever that /b/ is not your personal army. You cannot just sick /b/ on your enemies but that doesn’t mean that justice won’t come. I’ve been a regular visitor to ED for about a year now, and I recently came to the realization that this was not my first encounter with /b/. I went to an all girls Catholic high school years ago so not surprisingly, this was a great source of drama. I tried my best to avoid it but could do nothing when two of my best friends fought over a certain guy.

This is the downside of an all girls school as many will hop on the first dick they see and many will try to hopping on to the same one. Anyway, the guy my friends were fighting over was the poster boy for LiveJournal emofaggotry complete with a whiny bitchy blog full of shitty emo poetry. The minute I met him he hated me because he must have known I was onto his bullshit. For months he fucked around with both my friends, I got the brunt of this having to mediate between the two. For the year I had to put up with him I got little bits and pieces of justice but none were lulzy enough until some anonymous hero intervened.

One night my friends called me begging me to do what I can for this douche bag because apparently he was threatening to kill himself after someone fucked up his LiveJournal page, the culprit thought to be his ex-girlfriend. I looked on the page and lo and behold, the putrid unforgiving image of tubgirl filled the screen. This being the first time I’d seen this image I was disgusted but some how, satisfied. In fact, tubgirl was an improvement over this page containing emo poetry that would make Simple Plan wince. Unfortunately, the guy was too much of a pussy to go through with the suicide.

I never knew who vandalized his page but it was years before I realized that it must have been /b/. Who else would post tubgirl on an emofag’s LiveJournal page? My point in telling this story is that first of all, do not feel sympathy for /b/’s targets because if they are assholes on the internet, they are probably the same way in real life. And finally, there is no need to sick /b/ on anyone. If they are truly deserving, as long as anonymous roams the intertubes, justice in the form of tubgirl, lemon party, meatspin, or whatever will be done. To the /b/tard who trolled this guy’s page, thank you. You win the internet!

See Also