Copypasta/Archive 8

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Archive 8

YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD

There recently was a thread about awful room-mates, along with pictures. I have my own experience.

Housing complex. The units are basically small cottages, made for two room-mates, with a common area and attached kitchen, a small storage closet in the common area containing water pipes leading to Suite A's bathroom. The two private areas of the suite contained a private bedroom, a sliding glass patio door, and a private bathroom. Sounds idyllic.

My roomie, Jed, liked to throw parties. He liked tarantulas, too, and kept six.

For the sake of saving my effort in recounting this story, here is a basic rundown of the chaos:

This run-through of incidents is going to be kind of terse, because I'm working off of a check list I made a while ago.

During our stay together, my roomie:

He brought his motorcycle into our common room because he was "afraid it would be stolen." This was fine, but then he started it and let it idle for 15 minutes without opening any windows, causing all of our stuff to smell like motor exhaust.

After his girlfriend left him, he went berserk in his private bathroom with a sledgehammer or a geologist's hammer and smashed all of his bathroom fixtures. I'm not sure of this but I believe that just before she left him she fucked some guy with pubic lice in my bed during a party.

His toilet was inoperative at this point, so he used mine for a time, until I refused him access. Later I would find out that he shat in garbage bags and kept them in the common room closet for weeks. More on this later.

He set fire to our carpet with alcohol during a party. He pissed in the fridge. He shat in the fridge. He shat in the crisper drawer. He shat on the oven top, and instead of cleaning it up, turned on the burner, reasoning that carbon is easier to clean than feces.

He left a dead cat he found somewhere in our oven for a week and forgot about it. I discovered it later.

He owned 6 tarantulas, and would let one run around free-range. He assured me he had "tamed it". I assured him he was a stupid shithead.

He never showered.

He sold drugs from his room. He smoked pot with his friends in the common area. He spilled bong water on two of my text books. He and his friends did cocaine off of the television set in the common area.

He had a party to which he invited too many people, and they spilled into my room. Strangers had sex in my room at that party. In my bed. One of them had pubic lice. Someone took a dump in my closet. Someone left a used condom in my slipper. I discovered all of these things after it was too late.

Morning after said party, my mother knocked on the front door, and a stranger from that party answered and immediately threw up on her legs.

Crackheads would regularly come by our apartment at all hours of the night trying to buy drugs because of his illicit activities. Whenever I answered the door and indicated that there was no crack to be had, they would sometimes get, desperate, belligerent and violent, and refuse to leave.

He put food products containing milk, meat and cheese on the heating unit and turned it on for three hours to see what would happen. I could've told him what would happen if he asked me.

He got angry at some video game he and his friends were playing in the common area, so he busted into my room while I was sleeping, and punched me in the face and stomach.

A few days later he put a tarantula in my bedsheets while I was sleeping. Thankfully I wasn't bitten, but I was freaked out and still sometimes jump out of bed in the middle of the night for no reason and attack my sheets.

He shat in a lot of our fixtures. He would put his shit in baggies and leave them in strange places. I was thankful for when he used a baggie. A few words of advice for potential room-mates: A light fixture is not a toilet. A heating vent is not a toilet. The sink is not a toilet. The oven is not a toilet. That is all.

I was fucked at this point. He refused to clean or take care of all of the messes listed above, so I ended up cleaning them, but keeping an hourly log and catalog of what work I did and worked out a bill, which I sent to him. I was tired of cleaning feces out of our refrigerator, finding turds in our crisper drawer, shit on the stovetop, vomit on the carpet, vomit in our potted plants, vomit on the grille of our television set, urine on the carpet, urine on the kitchen floor seeping behind the refrigerator, dead animals in our oven and freezer units, and bags of feces hidden in our light fixtures.

Have you ever had to move your refrigerator out of its little nook to get behind it to clean urine mixed with whatever the fuck lurks behind a refrigerator in the first place?

After sending him the cleaning bill and getting a refusal of payment, I took some of his stuff, dumped it in a storage unit across town, and held it until he paid me back. He stole some of my stuff in retaliation, but I called the cops and repossessed my belongings. He was unable to articulate to the cops that I had some of his shit in this exchange, so I ended up basically getting my shit back while he had to be put in their car to cool off.

Upon retrospect, I think maybe he became mentally ill after losing his girlfriend, and not being able to part with his feces was part of his illness. This is purely speculative.

He wasn't poor. He was from a wealthy family. They don't come into the picture, though.

This is where the sealing begins. Put a datemark right here, because this is where shit gets crazy.

I had had enough. I bought a minifridge, a plug-in stovetop, two padlocked footlockers, a wooden bar, duct tape, a remote-control car, and an external padlock. My private area had two entrances...Here, I best sum up my little fortress in this post I made in another thread:

Actually, upon reflection, I really want to share how I kept my room-mate out of my private area. It was dubbed the "Home Alone" security system.

I had two potential entrances to my private area, a sliding glass patio door and a regular door to the common area. I secured the common door with a padlock on the outside which was really just for show. The inside was barricaded. At the bottom I had a rolled up towel, and I sealed the rest of it with tape to avoid smell or other chemical assaults from the common area. I packed against the door with my king-sized bed, which was in turn secured from being dislodged by a bookshelf full of weights and books. Even if he got through the padlock, he would not have been able to open the door without busting it in two. The top half of the door was unsecured; I was worried he might break the door and gain access, so when I seized his stuff I had it put in public storage across town.

Now the sliding glass door is where the home alone shit comes in. It had a lock, but it was nonfunctional and only accessible from the inside. So in order to secure the door while I was away, I got a remote controlled car, attached it to a string which was secured by a fisheye screw at the top of the door, and tied to a security bar which would drop into the tread of the sliding door, preventing it from being opened.

So when I came home, I would whip out my little remote control, make the RC car run off and lift the bar, then gain access to the apartment. To prevent this system from being discovered, I papered the inside of the sliding door with butcher paper, and I ran a wire outside of the door in an obvious manner, so that the roomie would think that this wire somehow, if tugged correctly, would undo the lock. To my knowledge, all of his attempts to get inside my apartment were by messing with this wire, which was attached to the handle of an antique coffee grinder and a paint can. If you tugged it, you'd get a weird uneven resistance as the handle crank turned and the paint can danced, which added to the illusion that this wire was some secret way of ingress.

I heard this account from the neighbors, because it occurred while I was away, but apparently he had lost his front door key, had some kind of intestinal problem, and had to take a shit really bad. All of the neighbors he knew he had already hit up for toilet access and been refused by this point. So he's swearing like crazy and yanking at this wire, and bashing against the door in a frenzied desperation when the neighbors call the cops, reporting a B&E. When the cops show up he's taking a shit in the bushes just outside my window. I fucking hate him so much.

I think he went crazy and lost all his friends at some point, because around the time I barricaded, I stopped hearing parties. In fact, I stopped hearing anything from the common area of the apartment, except for the occasional formless moans and thumping. I don't know precisely what went on in there, because I mentally washed my hands of the whole area. I did, however, start smelling odors. I taped up my door. I know it wasn't smart to do things like this, but I was just fucking sick of dealing with his shit. I didn't call the landlord or anything, despite the fact that I knew he was destroying things over there. After cleaning so much of his shit up, I just wanted the universal ass of justice to see what a wreck the place would become without my presence.

Forgive me for being a little spotty in my descriptions after this point. What I do know of what transpired over there I can only reconstruct from forensic evidence, what precisely was destroyed, what common friends have told me in their accounts, and two forays over into the waste zone over the next two months. I essentially didn't even see the front door of our apartment during this time.

For those of you wondering why I didn't call the landlord. I was kind of in denial. I just figured that whatever happened over there was Jed's business. I think I was on a sublease under him at the time, so I wasn't too worried about damage to the apartment. I withheld rent from him during this time too. His family was paying rent for the whole unit, and I would reimburse him directly. I deducted cleaning costs and other things from the rent I paid him. I think he was too embarrassed or crazy to call me on it, or have his lawyer financial guru daddy get me busted.

Quick fact: His father was on the cover of Forbes magazine like 8 years ago.

Have you ever had something go wrong, and, knowing it was someone else's responsibility, just didn't intervene out of sheer curiosity about how it fucking bad it would get? I didn't turn him in for that reason too. I just...wanted to see how bad it would get. I was stupid, mad, curious, and really didn't have any responsibility for damage to the unit, knowing his family would cover the costs.

Edit: So, basically, I didn't kick his ass for two reasons: A) I am always law abiding to a fault, and B) The setup I made was really very convenient for me, and made it so I never even had any contact with the guy. It was basically rent-free... I paid $50 a month in rent after all of the deductions for unsanitary conditions and ouster from the common area I made (and documented... and got to keep after the courts got done looking at it...), and I was exiting and entering from an opposite end of the house. Basically, I only really knew what Jed was up to during this period from forensic evidence in the apartment and the accounts of friends, neighbors, and the police.

From my perspective, imagine this: You are strapped for cash. Someone offers you a studio apartment, with minifridge and bathroom for $50 a month, and after you move out, you're given a few thousand dollars just for living there. The only catch is that there's a closet you can't open, and you have to tape around the edges, and the lock to get in is a remote controlled car rig. Sounds like a good deal to me. Jed couldn't make much noise to bother me after I confiscated his music equipment. All of the people talking about going ape shit sound like the nutballs to me. I'm very easy going, and I came out of this ahead. I'll get to the renumeration later.

Also it was very satisfying to have this asshole's shit in a locker across town and know that he desperately wanted to fuck with my shit but couldn't, and couldn't prove I ganked his stuff. He would flip the fuck out in rage from this. I think that might have contributed to his degeneration into madness.

I kind of messed up the timeline for this stuff, so here's a quick runthrough before I continue the story.

TIME A: Tons of parties, vomit, shit, piss, etc. being cleaned up by me, tarantula, punching, etc. I start withholding rent at this point, and am subtracting $200 a month from the rent for cleaning costs.

TIME B: His girlfriend leaves him. His friends stop hanging out with him. He smashes his bathroom. He uses mine for a time, is denied access, uses neighbor's for a time, is denied access, and is angry at me for refusing him access to my bathroom. I fixed his faucets so they wouldn't leak all over the place and sent him a bill. He gets really pouty and angry and does the famous shit on the stovetop. He does experiments with various places to piss and poop, eventually settling on leaving it in baggies around the house. When I tell him this is unacceptable, he responds with a demand to use my bathroom, which I refuse. Around this time, while cleaning the stove top, I find the cat in the oven. It has a collar on it so I put it in a box and return it to the owners, not explaining where I found it, and advising them not to look in the box. I don't know how that turned out, and I didn't give them my name. I hope it got hit by a car and wasn't killed by Jed.

TIME C: Jed starts trying to get at me by playing his subwoofer really loud at odd hours, and demanding to use the bathroom. I get back at him by packing away all of his stuff, (including the audio equipment) and storing it in a friend's storage unit across town. I think that he started to really go truly crazy at this point. I come home finding him taking things out of my room and putting them into his truck. I restrain him and call the police. By this point he is beyond all rationality and is completely flipping out, so he is put in the copcar for a while and the officer helps me unload my things from his truck. For some bizarre reason the officer does not arrest him, but after "talking to him" lets him go. I think my calm temperament made the officer not realize he was violent and that is why I was restraining him. (My motto in life: "So it goes.")

TIME D: I dub this time the sealing. I really don't mind cleaning up poop and shit, I used to be assistant manager of an apartment complex, but it is taking too much time to clean. I buy a range-top, and seal things off after writing a surrender letter to Jed, declaring that he has evicted me from the common area. Shortly after I come up with my Home Alone security system, withhold rent except for a nominal $50 a month, and go on with life as if I did not have a crazy room-mate sealed away in the other end of the apartment. Time left on lease at this point: 2 months.

Edit: Time D is when he shits in the bushes and is arrested for the night.

TIME E: The black time. I am not sure what exactly went on in the apartment during these two or three weeks. This is around the time finals are going on, so I really don't care. Water starts leaking from the wall, so I re-enter the common area to see what is up. This description really deserves its own post, and will clog the time-line up, so I'll elaborate later. I fix the water leak, which he had been covering up with newspapers, and promptly exit. Once he finds out I was in his area he flips out and makes a lot of noise over there, but I do not investigate.

Remainder: There is one further, final re-entry by myself, with a flashlight. I couldn't get in with my key because the door was messed up, and his sliding door was blocked with a mattress, so I kicked down the door and entered. After a quick walk-through I call the fire department, the landlord, the police, and an ambulance. This is full of drama and will be detailed in its own post.

I'm very preoccupied with work and school at this point. Since my point of entry on the house is opposite from the front door, the only real contact I have with Jed at this point is what I can hear from him through the walls, and whatever odor seeps under the door past my homeland security setup. This is pretty tolerable as a condition, definitely worth the $50 a month I was paying for it, but I was starting to get worried. I was worried about Jed's tarantulas getting into the ventilation system, so I sealed that off with plastic wrap and duct tape. Then I started worrying about fire. Jed liked to play with heating elements and flames, and he was an alcoholic, so I was worried that with the sealed off vent I wouldn't know if the house were on fire. At around 3pm, I was studying, when I noticed that my feet were getting wet. Upon inspection, the carpet next to the wall was wet. I went around to the front of the house and found that the door was ajar. I went back to my apartment and picked up a plumber's wrench and a flashlight to see what was wrong.

I'm not exactly the best at descriptions, as you can probably tell from the poor quality of writing in this thread, but here's the best I can do. I'll try to portray these things from my perspective at the time, and not reveal what they eventually turned out to be.

I unlocked the front door of the apartment and pushed it open, after confirming that Jed's truck was gone. The lights in the place were out and the shades were drawn. The light shone inside and revealed that there were strange particulates hanging in the air. Not quite smoke. I would almost say that the odor was so thick in the apartment that it could be seen with the naked eye. Upon reflection, I imagine that what I was seeing was mold spores.

As the arc of light from the bright outside swept across the room, a few things were revealed in sequence: First off, the common area was absolutely covered in free student newspapers. There were obviously things underneath because the newspapers bulged, and I could even identify an easy chair covered in newspapers in the corner. The kitchen was crammed with garbage. I could identify two large bulky garbage bags in the corner of the common room. Investigating them further, I discovered that they were covered in some kind of glistening brown muck. The whole place smelled absolutely rank. I swept my light across the place a few times, just to make sure Jed wasn't there lying in wait with a knife or something, and I proceeded into the apartment, leaving the door open. I took some vic's vaporub from my pocket and daubed just under my nose. The garbage bags had been hastily pulled out of the common room closet, the one which contains pipes leading to Jed's bathroom. I shined a light into the closet and a rat or mouse or something ran very quickly under the newspapers in the common room. I looked and saw that there were several dents in a pipe in the common closet, and it was otherwise soaked. Finding no immediate source for the water, I proceeded into the hallway area towards Jed's room.

I was a little uneasy, because the whole place was filled with debris. The common furniture that came with the apartment was lodged in the strangest places. Like the hallway to Jed's room had the common couch in it, upturned. I climbed over that after making sure Jed wasn't under it. I was a little more nervous because my egress had been essentially blocked by this couch, and walked past the debris. It looked like he was salvaging equipment and building materials from local construction yards. I could identify in the hallway, piping materials, a toilet lid, cinder blocks, scrap wood, and a box of pilfered nails. Jed's large sledge hammer (or geologists hammer, I don't know which) was lodged in the door of his room. I pushed it open and the damn thing fell out, giving me a fright. Anyway, I proceeded into his room, which was strangely clean. There was nothing in there, but the floor was absolutely soaked. I realized what happened; he realized there was water everywhere and threw all of his shit outside of the room into the hallway, and leaned his mattress against the sliding door (where it remained, to my knowledge, for like two weeks. I have no idea where he was sleeping.). The leak was coming from his bathroom, so I went in with my wrench ready to clock the fuck out of my crazy room mate if he should jump out at me.

I saw the familiar smashed bathroom fixtures, and I was very thankful for the vic's vaporub, but the stench stung my eyes still. There was a bathtub covered in newspapers. I prodded it with my wrench and the newspapers gave way, like they were on top of jello or something soft and organic. I prodded it harder and what I can only describe as fecal fluid seeped from the sides of the newspaper. I think he was taking shits in the bathtub and covering it with newspapers, like some kind of foul lasagna. The leak was coming from under his sink, which he had dislodged through some violence. I could see the remains of a cinder block on the pipe, so I think he might have been hitting the pipe with a cinder block. I turned off the water to the sink, stopping the leak, and decided that it would be best if I left before he returned.

On my way out, I climbed into the kitchen area and opened the fridge, just out of curiosity. There was a ball-like, organic mass in the middle, with tendrils of mold growing out of it. It was roughly the size of a human head with a large dent in it. Not desiring to get toxic mold in my nostrils, I closed the fridge and surveyed the common closet again. The walls of the closet were covered in a black shiny material which glistened. Upon closer inspection, it was mold. I didn't know that mold looked like that. I prodded the newspapers a little bit, but remembering the rat, and not wanting to get bitten, I left the apartment, closing the door behind me.

I got a towel and did my best to dry out the carpet. I left my sliding glass door open to help air the place out. I printed out a notice to Jed that I had entered and fixed his sink, and placed it under the door. I later heard Jed come home, and he obviously discovered I had been in there, because he started freaking out, swearing, and throwing things around. I heard the couch in the hallway get rammed into my door. He threw a tantrum for another five minutes, and then I heard the front of the apartment door slam. I heard him approach my sliding glass door, swearing, and I can only imagine that after seeing it open, he decided not to come any further. Like I said, the guy was afraid of me. He left in his truck a few minutes later, to return in ten minutes. I heard strange moaning and stumbling around in the apartment after that. I think he was moving furniture or something. I heard breaking glass a few times, but after that, silence.

Now, the kidnapping.

Let's get this over with.

So as I said, I am a pretty easy going person and I could tolerate this situation pretty endlessly. But as I hinted earlier, Jed eventually made this situation unlivable. Here's how it goes down:

I've long been using a cellphone since Jed pretty much has control of our apartment phone, and whenever anyone calls he'll answer with crazytalk. To my knowledge, he still has access to the store room in Longs Drugs, from which he has been stealing crates full of random stuff.

Anyway, lately, Jed was more active than usual. I hear a lot of heavy stuff getting dragged around, and crashing, and lots of moaning, hollering, and other psychotic outbursts.

One evening I hear Jed making a hell of a lot of noise, then silence. Then I hear the front door slam, and his truck goes off. A while later, he comes back, I hear more slamming into things, and a bunch of really high pitched loud vocalizations, kind of like whales mating.

I get a call on my cellphone. This is basically how it goes. ring, pickup Jed: SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSATAN! Me: Hi Jed. You're nuts. Jed: I HAVE SARAH (Jed's ex girlfriend) Me: Really. Jed: LISTEN. I immediately hear a high pitched shrieking from the other end of the apartment, and banging and stumbling around. Sarah is a water polo champ. I think if he somehow got her into the apartment, he would have to hit her in the head with his big geologists hammer, because there's no way he would be able to wrestle her inside conscious. At any rate, I bet at the time that he hadn't grabbed Sarah, and the high pitched screaming was really that crazy motherfucker. I've been getting all kinds of crazy phone calls from Jed lately, so I call bluff: Me: That sounds like you Jed. Jed: COME AND SEE. Me: I need to study. Bye Jed. *click*

This is a very normal response from me, because by this point Jed has been calling me and saying all kinds of crazy shit. Basically, if I can hear him through the wall, I completely disregard anything he might say on the phone. He's called me once and begged for help because he's stranded on the Nascar race track in the middle of a race and I can clearly hear him through the wall. So I have a very trained automated response to Jed's calls: "Hi Jed. You're crazy. That's nice. I need to study. Bye Jed."

At this point, I smell smoke. This is very disconcerting, because as I said earlier, I have been living in fear of the whole place going up in flames. I stand up from my desk, and at that very moment, the power goes out, and I hear Jed laughing like crazy through the wall. I hear what sounds like something banging against the pipes in his bathroom, and some other, deeper noises, which I haven't heard before. The noises have a sort of deep bass resonance, like a big drum, as if a bull or some other large creature were banging around over there. Jed's a small guy, and I didn't think him capable of moving shit around heavy enough to make that kind of noise with that degree of frequency. Since I smelled smoke and the power was out, I grab my gigantic wrench, smear some vic's on my nose, put on my leather jacket, put on a motorcycle helmet I confiscated from Jed, and prepare myself for battle, maglight in hand.

I am really psyched up at this point. I know a lot of you will be saying that I was stupid for operating like this, but I reasoned with myself that I had better go over there just in case he HAD captured some poor girl and was, I dunno, by the noise of it, bludgeoning her to death with a tuba. I headed around to Jed's car and looked inside. I saw he had rope and there was blood inside the cabin. I tried the door, it was locked. I smashed the window with a wrench and went inside the cabin. Behind the seat was some bloody rags. Ohhhh shit. At this point I decide I had better get the fuck in there and stop whatever he was up to. I felt really guilty at this point for letting it get this far. I decided that if I were to go in there and die, I would've earned it for letting him get that crazy for that long.

I trucked it over to the door, set my wrench on the ground, and fumbled for my keys. I unlocked the door but it wouldn't give. The door was moist. I didn't quite understand that. I pushed and pushed but it hardly moved an inch. So I started stomping at the door as hard as I could. Eventually I heard something slide and shift and collapse on the other side of the door, and I gave it another kick. My foot actually made a hole and went through the door, and I fell over. I started freaking out because I was worried Jed would stab my boot or something, so I struggled and hurt my ankle. I also broke my foot from the kicking. Eventually I calmed and got my foot out of the door, and bodychecked the door. It came flying off the hinges, and came completely to pieces.

Ok, so I bashed the door in, and I went flying into the apartment, head first into a wall that is right in front of the doorway. The couch had been barricaded against the door, and my kicking caused it to tip over. It was still partially blocking the door. I immediately started struggling wildly once I was on the floor, flailing my wrench and maglight everywhere in case something was about to jump on me. I immediately exited the apartment, grabbed a metal patio chair, and hurled it into the blackened apartment in case anyone was in there. The motorcycle helmet was making it really hard to hear any kind of ambush, and it was covered in grease and filth from the couch, so I ditched it, and proceeded inside. It was night time out so I didn't get the benefit of a good light source from outside, and my maglight had grease on it. I saw a glow coming from the corner. I tried to smell if there was smoke coming from a particular direction, but the Vic's vaporub made it difficult. I swung my light around the room and found it full of trash like it was before. There was no way I could ascertain whether Jed was hiding under something. I did note that some of the newspapers were covered in what looked like splotches of blood. From my forensics training I could gather from the splotches that whatever shed them was moving at a high rate of speed through the apartment.

I bounded over the couch into the apartment, landing on my broken foot, and falling on my face, in a lot of pain. I remembered the tarantulas and freaked out again, scrambling to my feet and stumbling over towards the source of light. I discovered that Jed had stolen a large floodlight from Longs drugs, which was in the corner, smoldering the carpet. I grabbed that and quickly shone it all over the place. Suddenly I saw that there was a guy about 6 feet tall wearing a beige suit about two feet away from me, so I flipped the fuck out and tackled it. It turned out to be a cardboard stand-up of Captain Kirk Jed got somehow. I picked up my wrench again and limped onward.

The apartment was completely silent by this point. All I could hear was some kind of dull tubal thumping from inside the place, that same dull bass noise I heard earlier. Remembering my crack training at counterstrike, instead of going further in, I limped over to the kitchen area and flung shit around to make sure that nobody was hiding under the newspapers. I could see that he had gotten a lot more crap since the last time I was here. There were mason jars of urine in the kitchen, along with gallon jugs of the stuff. There were a lot of things he had obviously stolen from longs drugs. There was a crate of sour patch kids all over the place. On one wall was a poster of Homer Simpson naked drinking beer, and a bunch of knives had been stabbed into it. I was too angered and pumped up to be frightened. I opened the refrigerator and stomped the shelves apart while I was at it, just to be sure he wasn't hiding in there.

I had a huge floodlight but it couldn't illuminate everything all the time, especially with the dank murk of mold spores and the smoke, so I ended up trying to shine it everywhere at once as I proceeded. The common closet was closed, so I kicked that in and swung my wrench into the dark area within. I hit something soft so I kept pounding at it, but it wasn't human. It was a trash bag full of something soft and yielding. I gave it a kick and moved on.

I ripped the doorway off of the hall closet and swung my wrench inside, but I only hit a few canned goods in there.

I could hear high pitched shrieks coming from the interior of his room. His hallway was pretty fucking well blocked with shit, so I started grabbing things and chucking them into the common room. He had a gigantic stuffed Pluto doll, about as big as a gorilla, which I chucked. Among the other things I hurled was a futon I recognized as salvaged from the end of our block, some patio furniture, a bag full of McDonald's playpen balls, and something which was big, black, disgusting, soft, covered in grout, which I cannot, even to this day, identify.

I crawled through the remaining debris with the wrench in front of me.

This is embarrassing, but I forgot to mention. As I was hurling stuff, I had my wrench in my hand still, and so I hit myself in the face with it. It required some stitches, and, since I had hit the trashbag full of feces with the wrench, it got infected.

So to tally it up, we have one broken foot, one twisted ankle, one gouged and splintered shin, and one bleedingassed face.

So anyway, I am crawling through the hole I've made in the blockaded hallway. I finally realize why he has been making so much noise. The fucker has made some kind of evil fortress. If my room is the fortress of light, his is the fortress of evil. And feces.

I crawl through the hole and pop out in his room. My strategy when playing doom 3, when I knew something bad was about to happen in a room I dropped into, was to run around like crazy in the dark and fling grenades. Well, instead of doing the slick commando thing and dropping into a crouch and assessing the situation, I popped out of that hallway barricade with my wrench and flashlight, and ran like crazy into the pitch black room, swinging around at anything and everything. I connected with some stuff but nothing human. My foot failed me and I fell over and crawled like mad to a corner. I dove for my flashlight, picked it up, and assessed the room.

This place was full of fucking hostess products. The guy must have stolen at least two crates worth of the damn things. They were still in their wrapping. Twinkies, hostess cupcakes, all kinds of stuff. There was nobody in the room, but there was blood all over the place. I could hear that strange bass resonance from inside the bathroom. There was actually a light coming from there, it was rosy red, coming from a crack in the bathroom door.

...the very air in Jed's room was absolutely thick with mold and smoke, which I couldn't smell from the vix, but it still stung my eyes anyway. He had smeared all kinds of crazy gibberish on the walls with what looked like red lipstick, and the walls themselves were absolutely covered in growth. The barricades in the hallway must've been there for a while, because they essentially kept a lot of moisture in the air in Jed's back section.

Also, I forgot to mention this as well, but as I was running like a sissy through Jed's room, I knocked into his mattress which he had leaned against the side door a few weeks prior (my estimate). The mattress was completely soaked and very heavy, and the instant it hit me I thought I had fallen into an insidious trap or something, so I further injured myself by trying to struggle out from underneath it. Jed was making these freaky noises the moment I burst into his room, but the echo chamber effect of the bathroom and ventilation system, and the strange nature of the noises, made it difficult to determine where the hell they were coming from.

The carpets in his room were really rank. The previous water leak had made them dank with mold, and I can only imagine what the high fecal content of the air did. It was difficult to breathe, and nearly impossible to see, which really added to my panic. It was almost like I had been buried alive. The scrawling on the wall, though I didn't really get to see them in much detail because I was far more concerned with other things at the time, were just...creepy. The vibrations made me think for a second or two that he had tunneled under the apartment and I'd have to go into some kind of underground basement he'd made.

Edit: Scrawling on the wall from what I saw consisted of nonsense Latin words, tons of triangles within triangles within triangles trailing all over the place, and a few goatsatan faces made of triangles.

I got to my feet and regained my composure. I stomped over the hostess cupcakes and other misc crap he had lying on the ground. I would limp every time I remembered I had a hurt foot, but really, by this time, I didn't give a fuck about the pain. I heard the shrieking from inside the bathroom, like some kind of high pitched wailing, and the strange bass resonance. I kicked open the bathroom door and screamed at the top of my lungs, "YOU FUCKING SHITHEAD!!"

I wasn't in the right mind to come up with awesome catch phrases, so let's pretend I screamed something bannable like, "The juice is loose!"

I stomped into the bathroom and was immediately PHYSICALLY STRUCK by the most powerful odor I have ever, ever encountered. My nose was pretty vixed up, but somehow, my eyeballs felt like they could smell the odor. I swung my wrench before I really looked to see what was going on and totaled what was left of the sink. In the corner of the bath tub I saw Jed writhing around with a golden metallic object in the **** lasagna. He was freaking out and screaming. The other thing I noticed was the fire. In the remains of the toilet tank was a bunch of flaming papers, right next to a can of paint thinner. I figured that Jeb threw in the thinner thinking it would burst into flames, but he neglected to uncap the thing. So I grabbed the can of paint thinner and in one swift motion clocked Jeb in the head with it. He started freaking out even more, and at this point I could see that the object he was writhing with in the tub was a saxophone. He seemed to be bleeding all over his head but it was hard to tell because of the shit smeared everywhere, coming out onto the floor. The lightbulb was covered in either nail polish or blood.

I backed out of the room and grabbed a jug of urine, and threw it at the fire. Remembering I should probably uncap the jug before using it to extinguish flames, I grabbed another one and actually poured it out. By this time Jeb was trying to get out of the bath tub, so I stomped at him with my boot, closed the bathroom door, and jammed the fuck out of there after one final check for any hostages in the bedroom.

Then I got the fuck out of there, rammed the exterior door with a patio table, and called the cops, the fire department, an ambulance, and, after getting back into my place and looking up the number, the landlord.

There. Done.

Oh, and aftermath, there was some court action for back rent, but all said and done they couldn't prove I was withholding rent because I paid Jed with cash on the barrel head, and I ended up actually getting paid money to stay there in the long run. I still have Jed's things to this day and to my knowledge he is in a nutbarn or something.

Just to clarify, the shriek noises were his psychotic wailing, not the sax, which was full of shit and inoperable. The strange bass noises was his movements in the damn lasagna tub, amplified by the fact that it is a gigantic shitty cheap plastic tub and next to my wall.

There were never tarantulas actually running around in the apartment. They were all in their cages and quite dead by the time the showdown occurred. I wish I had known that, because I might not have been so berserk frenzied at the time of re-entry.

The cleaning costs were somewhere around twenty five thousand dollars. I know I scored around 8 thousand dollars after it was all said and done. I don't know what the police said, and his parents refused to speak to me except through lawyers.

I know they called some special unit or something with moonsuits to extract Jeb from his shithole, but I didn't stick around much after that before going to the hospital. I drove myself.

Oh haha, I forgot one silly little detail.

The cops were about to go into the apartment, and I told them, "Be careful. He has tons of tarantulas and they're probably all over the place in there."

After that they gave each other a look and decided to wait for the moonsuit crew.

That couch is a whole other story too. We had two couches, one was a common couch and one was this crazy couch my roomie had bought at a garage sale. The crazy couch was made of black fur, and was gigantic. It was the one blocking the door, and had shit growing all over it. I don't know how, but somehow mold is all greasy when it gets wiped on stuff. I'm not sure where the other couch was at the second re-entry. I can't remember if it was blocking the hallway or what.

SHIT GIRL

(Note: Copied post by post, wordfilter faggotry intact)

Sup /b/

So there was this girl in high school that I had an obsessive crush on. Her name was Sara and she was perfect. We shared a few classes such as physics and German and a few others. At this point in time, I had just turned 17 and she was 15, although we were still in the same year or grade. She was a short skinny girl with blonde hair put into a high pony tail and had a fringe of a few long hairs that hung down the sides of her face which she was always blowing out of the way. My god why don't girls my age these days have hair cuts like that? I never see those schoolgirl hairstyles anymore. She had a skinny teen body that wasn't too curvy yet, petite breasts that could easily fit into a hand, and the most perfect small rounded ass, and very pale white skin. The school uniform for the girls consisted of dark green school pants and green jumper which was generally unflattering, but on her these pants always seemed to be too tight, showing off the perfect roundness. Like her breasts, her ass was the perfect handful size. I'd had a crush on Sara for a long time now, and with my current social standing at school and lack of self esteem, i didn't even consider expressing my interest in her. She was one of the girls in the nerdy group I guess, quiet and hard working. But still way out of my league. Until one day...

Now let me reiterate how incredibly awesome Sara's ass was. Our school had a lot of stairs, and I always found myself walking behind her, my face level with her ass, only a few centimeters away. I was an assman through and through. But she was also an incredibly nice, quiet and friendly girl, not like a lot of the other girls that were so stuck up, thought they were god's gift to men, obsessed with being as cool as possible. Sometimes I'd sit next to Sara in class, and we would get along fine. She was also one of those girls that you just knew had never done anything sexual. That kind of thing probably never even crossed her mind. But then one day, I had a German class with her. This German class was an elective, so there were only a few people in the class. In fact, there were 3 of us in this class. Me, Sara and another girl. And then there was our teacher, Ms. Janosec or something. Horrid lady. And due to the tiny class size, our class was put in a small windowless room at the end of the corridor in the ass end of the school. So there was a fair distance between us and other classes.

So me and Sara turned up to class, Ms. Janosec waiting for us. She was a grumpy bitch, and wasn't even German. She was of some Eastern European Untermensch descent. The third girl didn't turn up to class, which was an incredible stroke of luck for me as I would find out. So as we sat next to each other at the desk, the teacher started the so called class with "Well seeing Alix isn't here, we won't be doing any new material, so David and Sara, I want you over 9,000 to work on your assignments. Becoz zEY ARE JEW IN ONE VEEK!!" I groaned a little. I had barely started the damn thing. And to be honest, I can not even remember now what the assignment was about. "While you guys do that, I'm going to go photocopy some things. I will be a while, so no mucking around." She tapped on the table in front of me, as if to point out my own textbooks to me, as if I didn't know they were there. Sara perked up and asked "How long will you be?" "Oh I don't know half an hour." Sara looked at me, with a kind of odd look on her face. Her face was heavenly. Although she was 15 years old, her face made her look even younger. It was perfectly symmetrical dominated by large blue eyes which were able to change color from a soft grayish blue to a penetrating vivid blue eyes able to shoot lazers. It was as if they had been photoshopped or something.

But her large eyes also helped to make her look younger. And she had subtle light freckles on her cheeks, completing the whole school girl look. But at the time, her odd look was a combination of "Why is the teacher not going to leave teach us?" "Hey no teacher, we don't have to do any work." and "I'm stuck with YOU?" It was a complicated facial gesture but i was somehow able to interpret it. She then tried to brush her fringe from her face with her hand, for it to just fall back into place again. Then with a sudden annoyed but cute look, she blew the hair, kinda like Lola Bunny does in Space Jam. (No idea how i thought up of that example.) Again she was unsuccesful, and turned back to her schoolwork while the teacher collected her books and belongings, all of them, and left the room. As she shut the door, I noticed that the door had a lock on it, and at the same time i noticed the teacher took all of her things. Was she going to come back at all? I pulled my chair in to sit closer to the desk, which was actually a cover for me pulling my chair slightly closer to Sara. "Well, that was weird." I said. "Yeah.." I felt a little awkward at that point. A few seconds of awkward silence was broken by Sara. "Hey, what grammar do I use for this sentence?" She pointed to work, and I leaned in closer to see. I actually had to lean in a lot closer, because what she was pointing at wasn't right in front of her, but to the side.

So I leaned over and had a look, and showed her what to do. My face was actually very close to hers, and i was getting rather excited. And I could smell her. Girls at that age generally didn't wear much perfume, except for maybe the try hard sluts. But Sara just smelt very natural, and she had a wonderful smell, like a pleasant sweaty smell with a tinge of vanilla. When i fixed her problem she turned her face to mine quite suddenly. "Hey thanks!" she said with unexpected enthusiasm, her eyes bright. It was at that point that I realized my face was maybe 2 inches from hers. Nervously I stuttered, "Uh..th..That's okay." She giggled a little. She must've thought I was an idiot! So I turned back to my own work. But after a while we started talking. As nervous as she made me because I thought she was the most beautiful thing to ever grace the earth, she also seemed to be able to make me relax and feel comfortable just by talking to me. We stopped doing any constructive work, and talked about the upcoming student exchange. "I'd love to go to Germany." She said "But I don't think my parents can afford it." "That sucks!" I replied. "I'm going, my parents are paying for the tickets, and I'm using my savings for spending money." And so on the conversation continued. I made sure I stayed sitting very close to her. I was probably invading her personal space, but she didn't seem to mind. After a few minutes we were giggling and laughing, and Sara was sprawling on the table, or waving her arms about. We were getting a bit silly. And then she knocked a text book off the table. The strangest thing happened next.

Is this story moving along too slow? Too bad. Lol. The class wasn't canceled, cos it was an elective. For some reason, our school kept those classes going.

She leant over to the side and bent down to pick up the book. And as she did, her ass in the tight school pants pointed at me, as she fumbled around with the book. I couldn't help but stare. Amazing. I'm sorry, but from all the porn and JB I've seen, never seen an ass like that. With her age, her hips hadn't fully developed into the adult shape. Now not that I'm a pedo, but for some reason, this seemed to make her even more attractive. Usually at this point in the story, the story teller would usually say "and then I went hard as a rock." or "And then i popped 20 boners!" But in this situation, I was hard as a rock from the moment I was in the same room with her. Being within 5 meters of her was usually enough to get me standing at attention. So I was staring at her wonderful posterior when she farted.

What the fuck. She just farted. Pretty much in my face. What? Girls don't fart. Girl's never do that! Or so I thought at the time. I often wondered if they even shat, or if girls even had all those annoying bodily functions that us poor guys had. Although I knew that of course they do the same things we do. But they hide it so well. So the 15 year old girl of my dreams had just farted in my face. I even felt it. What the fuck. She sat up very suddenly. "Oh My God!" She said, her hand over her mouth in genuine apologetic shock. "Oh my god! I am so sorry!" She was white with horror. Then the smell hit me. In her shock, while saying "Oh my god a lot, she flopped her hand on the top of my head while apologizing profusely. I was just stunned. And the smell! Actually, it wasn't that bad. No it didn't smell like roses. It smelt like a fart. But not like those face stabbing eye watering weapons of mass destruction that guys try to plant on each other and beer and pizza nights for fun. It was just mild. "Um it's okay! I don't mind!" i said to her, trying to calm her down. I really didn't mind. I was actually turned on by it. At that moment, that particular fact hit me and freaked me out. Turned on by it? That's not normal! Trying to gather my thoughts, I put a hand on her shoulder and reassured her "Hey it's okay, don't stress out. I don't mind." Looking back at me she replied "Really?"

Continue?

I replied, "Yeah, it's fine. If I had to be farted on by someone, I would prefer it were you." Wait. Stop. What did I just say? In my nervousness and freaking out, I'd gone and said something stupid. Her face changed. "Um, what do you mean by that?" She looked at me, her eyes a little gray. I don't think she felt guilty anymore and wasn't laughing either. "Um.." I stammered, noticing my hand still on her shoulder, lifting it off gently. "Well I mean..If anyone was to..uh..well...I like you Sara."

A look of shock, and perhaps terror and disgust as well crossed her face. "What, you like me? Like..." She made some erroneous gesture with her hands. I felt like I had jumped into my own grave. Had no idea what to say. "Yeah, i like you. I think you're beautiful." My life was over. "That's so sweet!" My god I hate it when girls say that!

She giggled at me. But i think she saw the crushed look on my face. I looked down at my desk. It was over. "Hey! Hey it's okay." She said. She suddenly moved her chair really close to me and nudged or bumped her body into me playfully, as if to knock me out of my out of my reverie. She giggled at me some more and said "I like you too." But as soon as she said it, she seemed to go through the same embarrassed emotions i did. She too looked away and down at her desk. She was still very close, our bodies still touching. I reached out and gently turned her chin to face me and I looked into her eyes. At that point she looked incredibly innocent, and I could tell now that she no idea what she was doing either. In the years I'd known Sara, I knew that she had never had a boyfriend. She seemed like one of those girls that had no interest at all in boyfriends, or romance, or sex or anything. I leant over to kiss her. She retreated a little, but I was still able to give a soft little peck on the lips. It seemed that seeing her innocence and inexperience gave me a little more confidence, though my mind was racing. Her lips were incredible soft and almost trembling.

Moving back a little I looked into her eyes. She looked a little upset and scared, but didn't say anything. She didn't get up and leave, or move away, or tell me to stop or slap me. So i gently touched the side of her neck with my hand, and leant in again. Had no idea what i was doing, improvising as I went. I tilted my head a little, and kissed again. This time she didn't retreat, and the kiss lasted a little longer. As we slowly moved away, i felt her breathe on my lips. This time she moved in, grabbing the side of my neck with one had, the other on my shoulder, and she pressed her lips against mine, and made a small kind of mewing noise, as her lips opened slightly. I opened my lips a little too as our kiss became more passionate. I felt something soft, warm and wet brush against my lips. My hard-on felt like it was going to burst, or snap or something. I stuck my tongue out a little and licked her lips as well, and when our over 9,000 tongues met, we broke into a fully passionate kiss. Both our mouths were open, both our tongues exploring. Her kiss was soft and rather wet. We did this, oblivious to the rest of the world, though i had no idea how long. At first it was a little awkward, we even bashed teeth a little, but she seemed to learn pretty quickly. Eventually she pulled softly away, a little chain of saliva stretched between our mouths, leaving a little bit of spit under her lower lip. That had to be the cutest most erotic sight I'd ever seen. And again she farted.

I caressed between her legs a little firmer, and she squirmed a little, moaning just slightly. We were both trying to keep quiet. and then I remembered something. "Shit!" I jumped up, and went to the door. And locked it. Just to be safe. My mind was on one thing only, Sara, and I didn't want anyone to interrupt that. In a hurry I ran back to her and resumed our face sucking. Her kisses were getting wetter, her lips and tongue spreading her shiny saliva around my mouth. She was really getting into it. My mind was going crazy, trying to remember and cherish every moment and detail. She even licked my face a little. She was crazy! I caressed her ass again, firmer this time. My fingers running down the middle. I was obsessed! And just as my hand was in the right spot, she farted again. On my hand. What the fuck! "Fuck..." she said. "that's not right, I'm sorry." Again I tried to reassure her, while making a mental note to never ever wash that hand again. This time she stank out the room. "Urgh, I feel a little funny she said, placing a hand on her lower tummy. "Are you okay?" I asked with concern. "Yeah. Dunno, must be something I ate." She winced a little, as if she was in pain. I was getting a little concern. "Oh no!" She whimpered. "Hmm? What's wrong?" i said staying close to her.

"Um, I have to.. I have to.. you know.. again." What a strange girl i thought. "What? Do you need to fart again?" She bit her lip and nodded gently with the most embarrassed look on her face. She was so cute, no matter what she did. I cuddled her, trying to be.. well I don't know. Supportive? She went a little tense. "It's okay, go for it!" I whispered. And so she did, with a little whimper of effort, she let one go. It was long and alternated from silent to loud. It was strange to hear, and to my twisted mind, somewhat erotic. This one was almost eye watering. It seemed to fill the room and thicken the air. I actually giggled a little, and as it was a ridiculous, awkward situation, all Sara could do was giggle as well. We both began to laugh. There was a lot of tension and nervousness between each other, so I guess neither of us knew what to do. So we both laughed quite loudly. But then she suddenly stopped, whimpered and gripped her tummy. "Urgh!" She groaned. I went wide eyed. "I.. I have to go.. I have to go.. oh no.. I.." She got up out of her chair, and tried to head for the door, stumbling a little gripping her stomach. "Woah!" I said as i jumped up to support her. She fell against me, and I held her. Holding her was amazing, but she seemed to be in trouble. "T... Toilet.. I need to go." The poor thing, I put and arm around her, and supported her as we moved to the door. She farted again as we reached the door. It sounded wet. Was she going to shit herself or what? I quickly unlocked the door and we went into the corridor.

Sara hung tightly onto my shoulder, as we walked down the corridor, and out to the toilets. We got to the door of the girl's toilets and let her go and motioned for her to go in. She limped and crouched over a bit. She really didn't seem well at all. Her face showed she was in pain. My heart ached for her a bit. "No.." She said, "I need your help, I can hardly walk." I was shocked. "But I can't go in there!" "Quickly..please!" She whimpered with her arm outstretched reaching for me. I didn't know what to do. There could've been other girls in there, I could have been suspended or expelled from school. But the look on her face, and my feelings for her threw my common sense out the window. "Alright. Gimme your hand." And so I held on to and supported her and helped her limp into the female toilets. To my surprise they were complete empty! No one in there at all, all the stalls empty. As I guided her to the first stall, I noticed that the place was filthy! The male toilets in the school were always in a sorry state, mess everywhere, burn marks, toilet paper everywhere. And I always assumed females were all tidy and clean and well behaved. But this place was even worse. "Will you be okay?" I said as she entered the stall and closed the door. "Yeah i'll be okay. But please don't go. Please stay!" I was just about to object when i heard her moan out suddenly. And then I heard the sound of her explosive diarrhea.

She whimpered from inside the stall as I heard her spraying shit into the toilet. She groaned deeply as if she was pushing. Through clenched teeth I heard her ask "You still there?" "Yeah! You okay?!" More groaning. I wanted nothing more than to get out of there. Some other girls could come into the toilet at any time. I was starting to panic. She moaned a bit more. "I'll be fine." She said, as I heard more of her fecal matter drip wetly into the toilet. I could hear all the splashing, and her farting noises as she pushed. I leant against the door listening, as my fascination clashed with fear. I still had a hard on. I think it had been going up and down regularly for the last half hour. But hearing her struggling away made me even harder. It seemed so wrong, so weird. Something like this shouldn't turn me on. But it did. So I did what males do, and I reached down, and began to fap slowly, just as I heard her push out what sounded like a large turd. She grunted with effort. The smell was putrid and penetrating, but kind of sweet too. Listening intently, I began to fap with more intent, my hand down my pants. She was panting inside the stall. Sounded like this was taking her a lot of effort. What the hell did she eat? "Hmmm.. I'm starting to feel a bit better now." She said from within the stall. I replied "That's good." Though I think my voice sounded a little strained, from my fapping. More sounds from the stall, and then I heard the sound of girls voices from outside the toilets.

Stricken with fear I went still, pulling my hand from my pants and the throbbing hard on. I was petrified. "Sara!" I whispered. All of a sudden the door to the stall which I was leaning on flew open. Nearly falling I saw Sara with a determined look grab my arm and pull me in. What on earth was she doing?! After shutting and locking the door, she sat down on the toilet again, with me in the stall with her. Standing in the same stall that she was going to the toilet in. I was in shock. It was almost too much for one day. I looked down at her. Her pants were around her ankles, and she looked up at me grinning. At that point I noticed her bottom half was virtually naked. Her skin was creamy and smooth. Pale and unblemished. Her legs were closed, but my eyes looked exactly where any horny teenage males eyes would look. Staring at her crotch I couldn't her VAGINA, but the sight was still enough to almost make me feel faint. Or was it the smell that was making me feel faint. As the girls voices grew closer, Sara hissed in annoyance. She whispered sharply "They'll see your feet!" You see, the stall doors had about a 1 foot gap from the bottom of the door and the floor. She was right. The girls coming into the toilets would definitely see me. I was done for. Then Sara opened her legs. I stared in surprise as her VAGINA came into view. There was very little hair, just a little sprinkled line of light brown hair just above her pussy. "Stand on the seat!" She said. But I was hypnotized, and didn't know what was going on!

"Hey! Quick." She said, snapping me out of my shock. Didn't she even realize she was pretty much naked in front of me. I couldn't stop staring at her cooch. "Hurry!" I finally realized that she wanted me to stand on the seat between her legs, so we could hide. So I quickly put on foot on the seat, lifted myself, and put the other foot down, terrified of falling in. So there I was, standing on a toilet seat between the legs of the girl I had a crush on for years, with the smell of her shit in my nostrils, and my tenting cock pointing right at her face. The other girls entered the toilet blabbering about pointless girl stuff. They were actually quite loud, and obnoxious. But I felt so awkward standing there, and looked down, and Sara was pretty much just staring at my crotch. She look up. I silently mouth the word "Sorry" to her, but I don't know if she understood. Still feeling awkward, I carefully and slowly crouched down, balancing with my feet on the toilet seat, hoping it would break, until my face was level with hers. I nearly lost my balance so I wrapped my arms around her to stop falling. Her arms also came tightly around me. The other girls were still talking, while they did whatever they do. They must've lit up smokes as well. They seemed to be taking ages. I looked into Sara's eyes. The last half hour non stop shock, and I wondered what she was thinking. She mustn't have been finished going to the toilet. Her face cringed a little, as I felt her push. It was the weirdest experience of my life, as she shat, right there in front of me.

The whole situation made me as horny as fuck, so I suddenly kissed her. At first she pulled back a little, but then pushed forcefully into the kiss. Our hands were all over each other. She was fumbling with my pants as my hand ran down her back. She pulled out my raging boner and clumsily started giving a hand job. But my hands kept going lower, and I started to caress her ass. But she was still SHITTING. WTF. I looked down and could see the shit she was pushing out, as she lowered her mouth onto my cock. I almost came right there and then. As the monster turd splashed into the shitty water, my hand and fingers ran over her asshole.

I pushed the tip of a finger into her asshole which was smeared in shit, while I pushed my cock forcefully into her mouth. I must've pushed to hard, cos she made a kind of panicked groan crossed with a gagging sound. Pushing my finger in deeper, i felt it push into her warm and moist shit. I could feel it pushing out, against my finger. I began to thrust the finger back and forth as more shit started to push out of her asshole. I twas all too much for me. I couldn't help it, i threw my head back and orgasmed, filling her mouth and throat with cum. The whole thing threw me back a little, making me lose my balance. My cock flicked out of her mouth, smacked her nose and got come all over her face, while my shit covered hand flicked specs of shit all over the cubical. I fell against the cubicle door, dizzy as fuck.

I looked at Sara. A look of disbelief on her cum splatter face. But she was breathing heavily, and started to have an evil glint in her eye. "Wow, I never thought anyone else in the world would like that kind of... Shit." she said. I was pretty much speechless. She suddenly slipped forward on the seat, and raised her legs up, the look on her face was positively evil. She spread her legs exposing her cunt and her shit smeared ass to me. I was just staring, not knowing what to do. So she instructed me, very explicitly, in a way that seemed way out of character. "Fuck me.. Please... Fuck me!" So, well I did as I was told. It was an awkward position really, i couldn't quite kneel, and couldn't quite stand. so I just had to bend my knees. She was panting heavily. "Please.. Do it!" And I obeyed, lowering myself a little, and rubbing my cock, which was dripping wet with her saliva and my cock, against her pussy. She was wet and slippery, but I still had trouble getting my cock into the right position. "Yes... yes.." She said, as if I had started fucking already. But I wasn't even in yet. I finally found where I was meant to go and started to push in.

"Ow.." she whimpered. I tried to push into her cunt, but it seemed really tight. Almost like there was something in the way. "Ow.. Ow... Ow.... Stop!" she whimpered. Pushing a little, I realized what was wrong. She was a virgin. Obviously the RIGHT thing to do woulda been to go POW and shred her hymen into, well.. shreds. But I really like her, so I stopped. "I'm sorry." I said softly. "No it's okay," she replied. "It just hurt a lot. And... and... I kinda want to stay a virgin." I lowered my head again, I didn't want to take that away from her. "I'm sorry.." She lifted my chin up with her hand, and said "You know what I do at home? I like to put things in.. you know.. the other hole. Why not try it there." I was shocked. Even after having her literally shit in my hand, I was still shocked. "But.. but.. you just shat!" "Yeah," she replied "It feels better that way! Please. Fuck me in the ass!" I was stunned, but instinctually nodded my head.

She actually moved with stunning speed, getting up from the seat, without even wiping her ass, and turned around, kneeling on the cold tiles. She leant her arms on the toilet seat, her head above the bowl, her hair almost hanging into the toilet. She raised her ass to me, and the sight i saw was just unbelievable. The most beautifully shaped and sized ass right in front of me, her ass crack smeared in shit, her asshole literally puckering in participation. The smell was mind boggling. Driving by animalistic desire, I did as she said, and gripped her hips with my hands, and leant forward to bury my cock in her ass. Of course, I missed slightly. Moved back a bit and tried again, using one hand to guide my cock. I was new at this! I felt my cock rub against her wet asshole. It felt amazing and warm. I pushed a little, and she let out a long moan. She pushed back against me and I felt her ass open up for me as the head of my cock sank into her. I pushed harder and she went "Oof!" as my cock slowly slid deeper.

She groaned and mewed and purred and started to push back hard on my cock. "Oh my god that feels so good." I said to her. Whether or not anyone could hear us, or smell us was no longer of concern. Her response was a grunt, as I finally sheathed my whole length into her shitter. But then I felt something warm against my balls, as well as something splashing against my feet. I pulled myself out a bit and looked down. She was pissing. She was pissing on me as I fucked her ass. It was even more of a turn on. "That's so fucking hot." I said, trying to sound sexy, but I probably sounded retarded. "Mmmhmm was her only response as she pushed back against my cock again. We began to build a but of a rhythm, my cock sliding smoothly in and out as her warm piss ran down out legs. I thought I was going to come again. But then she stopped moving. I looked as her face, which was downturned looking into the bowl. She was panting, and then I saw her cringe in effort. What I felt against my cock alerted me to what she was doing.

She was shitting against my cock. It felt warm and smooth, and I could feel her muscles pushing against me, as if they were trying to push me out. So I thrust in deeper, the head of my cock pushing into her warm shit. She gasped and groaned loudly. I let her push me out a bit, and then rammed myself back in, and started doing that over and over. Each time the shit slowly pushed around my cock. Going at a slow steady rhythm, she grunted with each thrust. I looked down as her shit started to push out of her ass and around my cock. It was all too much for me, and I knew I was about to come. So to make the most of the situation, I started to thrust as hard and as fast as I could. Her moans got increasingly louder. She seemed to be loving it. Or I was killing her. It could have been either. Piss and shit was dripping on my feet and mess was going everywhere, and I threw my head back and came in her ass. Shooting warm globules of seed directly into her fecal matter.

Hmm.. well.. I'm a bad story writer, so lets say those other girls tripped into a bowl of black holes and their atoms were scattered into other dimensions.

But anyways. Finished cumming in her ass. And she got scared and said you're moving in with you're uncle and auntie, etc, etc, etc.

The End!

See if you can tell where the story goes from being true to being fantasy.

A few years after, All of Sara's hair fell out, and now she wears wigs. And now she's twenty something, and looks like a grandma or something.

THIS IS NOT COPYPASTA

THIS IS NOT COPYPASTA

Hey /b/... So here's the deal. I've been on /b/ for a little less than a year now, and I've seen it evolve from the AIDSiest part of Africa into a machine that can fuck people up and do serious damage IRL (i.e. SciFags). I know it is fucking impossible to get a long thread going on /b/, so I might post this a couple times, but i hope it doesn't become copypasta...but hopefully some tits will help things get going.

/b/, unlike anything else that has ever existed in the world to this point, has an awesome power. It is a place where hundreds of thousands of people can get together and without any sense of order, and tons of porn thrown in, affect real life. Chanology shows us just the tip of what we are capable of. We are a generation who doesn't give a fuck about the world, because frankly the world has fucked us over. But we still want to make an impact, and let people never forget that we were here. If you've ever seen Fight Club, or more importantly, READ (i know you /b/itches read, don't lie) Fight Club, you'll know what I'm talking about. This is our chance to rebel, to throw off society, and bitchass consumerism, and everything pathetic about our lives (cause let's be straight, most of us aren't living how we hoped we would). /b/ offers a world where, just like FIGHT CLUB, there are no rules (except for CP), and most importantly, THERE IS NO LEADER (even Tyler Durden didn't lead fight club). Let the legion revolution begin here, tonight. we can use /b/ to rebel, to create chaos, to make people recognize that we are a real force.

A twist of Reno

It's not really a secret, but we don't really tell that many people about it. A couple years ago, my family was on vacation in Nevada. We went to Las Vegas and went to the shows and whatnot. It's crazy how many people have vitamin deficiencies in Las Vegas. (I was in medical school at the time and I couldn't go anywhere without trying to diagnose people.) Anyway, after my dad lost $150 at the casino we decided to take a little detour to Reno, because my fucking sister, and aspiring fashion designer, wanted to visit some faggy Italian guy who was famous for popularizing this 'revolutionary' way to hand-dye clothes.

So we get to Reno and after asking the locals we find out he's doing a demonstration of his gay little technique at a nearby bookstore. After 30 minutes of disorienting directions we finally find the store, but as walked inside, we had no idea where Mr. Bigshot designer was until we walked over to the group of 10 or so people crowded around his twitching body.

I recognized hyperglycemia when I saw it, and I also recognized that this guy needed to be injected with insulin as soon as possible. I rushed to the body, and found his insulin kit in his breast pocket. Without hesitation I prepped the needle and drove it into his abdomen. After 15 minutes or so, he woke up, with all seven of his fans gathered around him, my sister included. He was so grateful he insisted on making one of his stupid shirts for my sister. I guess the TL;DR of this story is, I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him dye.

Atheist extremists!

Atheist extremists fail just as bad as christian extremists.

Stop using the internet to try to change my mind about GOD. I believe in god that doesn't make me stupid or a bible humper it makes you a fag for trying to indoctrinate me and millions of others.Yeah I believe in god but I also believe in freedom to do what I want and think how I want without discrimination.Besides everyone knows that a little Christianity kicks ass,because us Christians have Christmas, the best fucking holiday ever.And if your and atheist and you celebrate Christmas then your a fucking hypocrite!So no present for you!

Diet Coke

9th grade: My first sexual experience that actually involved nudity. While we're fondling each other, she asks me if I like Diet Coke. Me: It's alright. Girl: Well, I LOVE it. How 'bout you go get me a bottle of it? I go downstairs and grab a 20 ounce bottle from the fridge. When I return, she says it's too cold. Girl: How 'bout warming it up...by rubbing it on my cunt? So I began to rub her vigorously with the bottle. Soon enough, she asks me to shove it inside of her. She really enjoys it, and so do I because I KNOW that, with this girl, I'm defiantly going to get off. That's when it gets crazy. She rips out the bottle, opens it, and begins filling her cunt! with Diet Coke. I swear, she nearly empties the volume into her cunt!.I had seriously underestimated this cunt's liquid retention volume. Girl: YOU LIKE DIET COKE?!?!?!? OH YEAH OH YEAH DRINK IT FROM ME! I was noticeably freaked, but I did want to get off, and I didn't want my first load-blow to be into 18.7 fluid ounces of a 0-calorie beverage. I began to go down on her, until she said the exact wrong thing. Girl: OH YEAH, DRINK IT FROM ME! I'M THE KOOL-AID MAN! OH YEAH! OH YEAH! I don't know how she did it with 16-year-old voice, but she sounded exactly like the Kool-Aid man from the commercials. I glanced at the wall, half-expecting him to burst through and over me a fruity beverage. I was extremely turned-off. She could tell, too. As she sat up to see what was wrong, she twisted her body in such a way that Diet Coke shot out of her and all over my face, chest, and groin. And it was at that sticky, low-calorie moment that my parents chose to pull into the driveway.


Anontalk: Apocalypse

Many of you may be aware of the current storm looming in the distance. The general chan sphere is being thrown increasingly into chaos by the spambots of Anontalk. 12chan is being spammed to hell. 420 /b/ is a radioactive zone. 99chan, ED, 711chan, OVERchan, and 420chan are all down. And the list grows. 7chan… Have you seen their front page? They told their users to peacefully, and LEGALLY report anontalk.com to their isp. As of 11 pm Eastern Standard Time, pings to 7chan.org have ceased to resolve.

To put it simply, our usually peaceful coexistence has been threatened by a hostile and outside force that is hellbent on our mutual destruction. If there was any shred of a doubt, it should be gone now. We knew about this months ago, and yet nothing was done. And by our inaction we have allowed the problem to grow and grow until it has become something that not even the full combined force of the chans can keep at bay.

The hordes of /b/ raided anontalk a few days ago, in the thousands. Flooding, spamming, all a just recompense for the months of faggotry endured at the hands of anontalk. But nothing prepared them for what awaited, not even Ackbar could have foreseen the trap we had stumbled into. Anontalk.com was the most exploit ridden, malware spewing website that I have seen for as long as I can remember. The effects were swift and brutal. Nothing stood in their way, whether it be Firefox, Linux, mac, peerguardian or whatever the skiddies used to cover their tracks. It had come down to the final showdown, and all our overwhelming numbers… they meant nothing. The newfags only served to add minions to the anontalk swarm, bots which were used to crush down 4chan in a fiery orgy of DDOS. Those who escaped fled, stricken with terror, shouting and spamming nonsensically for eyes and ears which remained closed. Few cared or bothered to read the dire warnings, until it was too late.

The worm which they loaded into the newfags computers is a versatile sonuvabitch. It spreads, copies itself, and randomizes its core processes so that it can change and evade the most sophisticated defense mechanisms in real time, all without a central server update. It sends itself through AIM, skype, irc, hamachi, etc. and anyone who has had contact with a victim is vulnerable. It completely takes control of a compromised system, and automatically scans the ports of its next targets, looking, just looking for a way in. I am sitting here writing this in a dark room on an old laptop running CD booted dynebolic Linux. No matter what the technology, they cant get to my CD collection. I have cut myself off from any form of direct contact with any of my associates, for their protection and mine. The windows partition is completely overrun, even with Linux running shit is extremely slow. I just know its in the firmware now, I only have a few minutes perhaps, saved by the usually pain in the ass shittiness of my comp. The piece of shit is overheating, what are they trying to do, kill me and everyone else on the street with fire? My router is completely compromised, I had to unplug it and dig out an old adapter and connect to the piece of shit citywide wifi, its worse than dial up, but internet is internet. If things get real bad I can always dig out my old win 3.1 computer (lol Netscape), but the monitor is downstairs and I can’t remember whether or not I threw it out.

Nazi Girlfriend

My Nazi fetish makes my boyfriend uncomfortable. I NEED ADVICE. You appear to be experienced in these matters, so I'll give this a try. My boyfriend told me that he finds my Irma Grese/Ilse Koch-style Third Reich dominatrix costumes to be disturbing; he seems reluctant to participate in Lebensborn roleplaying and even Auschwitz guard/ male prisoner roleplaying. He also suggested gently that I take down the Hitler Youth propaganda posters that are currently hanging over my bed. Is Nazism a 'turnoff'? If so, why?

Farting Penis

HI,

Not too sure where to start but I'm a 24 year old male with a VERY humiliating problem (at least to me). My PENIS farts. This is what my latest girlfriend called it. Although she says it's the cutest and sexiest thing she's ever seen, I cant begin to express how embarrassing this is to me.

It can be anything from a soft wet whistling sound to a very loud popping or air escaping quickly sound. Yes, just like regular fart but much higher pitched and can be about 5x as loud. (coming out of a smaller hole, I guess). During a typical hand job my PENIS can fart up to 30 times. My girlfriend seems to love it but I feel like crying. The gentlest squeeze especially at the base can elicit a fart but the worst is when I orgasm.

This is not a health issue as I've been doing this all me life. It doesn't hurt, in fact the vibrations alone can initiate an orgasm. Just humiliating. Most women don't say anything, some laugh but every girl who has witnessed this seems to be mesmerized by it.

I know women like confident men but I just cannot seem to get comfortable with this and I feel it is ruining my life. Girls talk and I feel like the talk of the town. High school was a nightmare.

My question is: Are my the only one. Has anyone else experienced this? I've checked books, done internet searches etc., but can't find anything related to my problem. I don't feel that I can cure the problem but how can I be more comfortable with it.

How would you feel if you met a man who was attractive, kind, sensitive and sincere but PENIS farted?

Sorry if I was being too graphic but I felt like I finally needed a woman's opinion.

Thank you for your help and concern. Best Wishes

Insomnia

For months now I've had worsening insomnia, and now I frequently wake up with the uncontrollable urge to just dive out of my bed and stand up even if I'm dead tired. I just spring up out of bed, and usually crawl back into bed a few minutes later or after I get a drink. I've considered a way of stopping myself might be to sleep in a large box so I can't easily jump out of it. That or placing an obstruction at the side of the bed so when I try to jump out I can't and then I have to stay in bed. Sometimes this startles my cat. My cat sleeps on my bed with me also and when I wake up suddenly the cat appears surprised and frightened by me suddenly jumping out of bed and standing up. Then the cat wants picked up which I oblige, and if I can't get back to sleep quickly I tell the cat bedtime stories and watch infomercials with it until I get tired again. This calms both of us and allows me to get back to sleep. Sometimes I dream about the infomercials but I never actually want any of the products featured in them, the contents of the infomercial just appear among anything else I'm dreaming about. If I wake up thirsty I usually just get myself some water, but I don't drink very much since I'll just have to wake up and go to the bathroom again later. I have a water cooler because the water is very hard and unpalatable here. The cat is fascinated by it's strange noises and will watch in amazement at the bubbling after I've filled up my glass. Usually I'll just stay there with the cat and we'll watch the bubbling before we go back to bed. I also experience this more than once a night on occasion, sometimes several times a night. It seems to occur less if I'm sleeping on the couch but it still happens, and I wake up with a sore back from sleeping on it. One time after attempting to stand from the couch I stumbled into the coffee table, which was confusing until I realized that I'm not in my room. There isn't a table in my room. If there was a table in my room I would choose a small table, and perhaps place a lamp on it. Unfortunately I have limited space for such things and so I've been apprehensive in acquiring one.


Tittied

Dear /b/,

I really need your help on this one.

My wife had breast cancer and she went for, what I thought, a removal of said cancer. However, when she came back and showed me the result the doctor had COMPLETELY REMOVED HER LEFT TIT. She asked me what I thought and my first response was: "It's horrible!" She cried and got angry, so I tried to explain it to her best I could I said "look honey remember when that one speaker of your car stereo was busted? You hated having to listen to only one speaker!" She continued crying and so I got mad and called her doctor to ask him what the fuck was wrong with him cutting off her complete left tit like that. I said: "Look pal maybe you buy your wife new tits every year but to me that's at least 9 months of salary!" to top things off her nipple is gone! They just threw away the tit AND the nipple. So even if I WOULD buy her a new left tit the nipple is god damned gone, now how in the hell is that supposed to make sense?! One tit minus a nipple. I told the doctor he owes me a new tit and a new nipple and slammed the phone on the hook. I god damned loved that tit.

Can I sue this doctor for a new tit?

Plot of new Batman movie "the killing joke

A series of Joker style murders wreak havoc in Gotham. However to make things weirder the Joker has died in Prison, Eaten by his cannibal cellmate Killer Croc. Croc claims Joker was already dead when he ate him. That some chick calling him "puddin" just dropped the corpse in his cell. Forensics on the bones show he died of blunt trauma from a crowbar. Bruce is doing all he can to find out if Joker is really dead and how, including dating his gifted young psychiatrist Harleen Quinzel. A renowned doctor who understands even the most bizarre residents of Arkham. She even claims to know what the joker was always laughing about when he killed people. What he found so funny.

Meanwhile an smart mouthed orphan of the Joker murders named Jason Todd begins trailing the wanted Batman trying to assist. When he is caught by police in a Robin Hood outfit he claims he is Batman and was just trying to vary his outfit to avoid capture. Harley tells Wayne the boy isn't the real batman, she believes he did this to get into Arkham and find information himself on who the real murderer is. Unbeknowst to them both the terrified autistic cellmate of Todd claims he doesn't know the Joker's killer, but Mr. Scarface does. Referring to a doll Dr. Quinzell smashed with a crowbar in a therapy session.

As our masked detective tries to use this opportunity to find more clues beginning to wonder if the Joker is really dead, or if it's some sort of copycat, Todd escapes his cell and begins to search desperately for the remains of the Scarface dummy in Harley's office. Rummaging desperately until he sees a shadow from behind him, of a woman in a jester's hat holding a crowbar, raising it above her head and when it came near, the license plate said fresh and it have dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab was rare but I thought nah forget it, "yo Holmes, to Belair" I looked at my kingdom i was finally there to sit on my throne as the prince of Belair.

What To Do If Someone Is Riding Your Ass

I hate it when someone rides my ass while driving, so I have developed the best defense for these fuckers. I have decided to share it with you my /b/rothers.

1. get the following items from your local Wal-mart.

A water baby (in the girls toy aisle where the lolis roam.) It is a regular looking baby doll with a hollow body that is supposed to be filled with warm water to make the doll all soft and jiggly like a real, no-boned baby.

3 jars of strawberry preserves. (It has to be preserves, jams and jellys don't work as well.

2. Fill the water baby with the strawberry preserves until it just about to bust and dress the baby with the clothes that came with it.

3. The next time someone rides your ass, throw the baby out of your window onto their windshield. The will see a jiggly baby go flying toward them and then explode into a pile of bright red and chunky gore.

4. The driver stops and is traumatized for life or gets in a wreck and dies. Either way, that bitch is off your ass.


THIS IS WAWA

OK, so I got fired from my job today and I thought I would share the story with you.

I work at Wawa. Well, I worked at Wawa. I was a cashier and I fucking hated my job. Every morning it was uptight old faggots buying coffee and donuts and every evening it was faggoty young faggots buying Rockstar energy drinks. So today I was incredibly bored and was passing the time by trying to replay the movie 300 in my head. I was just getting to the part where Leonidas says "This is Sparta" when this faggot in a bluetooth headset and his 300lb, 6-7 year old daughter. The faggot was literally yelling into his headset in ALL FUCKING CAPS BECAUSE APPARENTLY THE SIGNAL WASN'T SO GREAT. Then his goddamn mistake started pulling out all the chips and throwing them all over the floor.

So I tried to ask the man if he would kindly tell his kid to stop being such a cunt.

"Sir, could y-" was all I could say before he put his finger in my face in a "just a second" gesture.

"Choose your next words carefully, said the Persian messenger in my head.

"YEAH WE'RE ON OUR WAY," he said while putting the hot dogs he was buying on the counter, both COVERED in every condiment we carried, "WE JUST STOPPED AT FASTMART TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. YEAH OK. BYE." And he hung up.

He looked at me and I looked at him, his whale of a daughter back from fucking up my chip rack.

"Fastmart?" I whispered. My heart was pounding. I knew what was coming but I couldn't stop it.

THIS - IS - WAWA!!!!1!oneoneone

I picked up the condiment drenched hot dog and threw it as hard as i could at the guy. The guy was shocked but he had no idea what the fuck to do. So, as an instinct, he tried to deflect the meat away from his face but when he hit my arm, he swung from his right to his left. His daughter, who was admiring her work on the floor, looked up just in time to see what she thought was her father throwing a hot dog covered in ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise and relish right into her eyes.

She instantly started to cry and, in a fit of rage, attack her father whom she thought had just assaulted her with what was supposed to be her lunch.

The man was still in shock half saying "What the fuck, you asshole." to me and "OHMIGAWD IM SO SORRY!" to his failure of a child. After a few seconds he collected himself... then fucking lost it. /b/, I have never seen someone raeg so hard in my entire life. The volume of his screams only made his daughter cry harder, making the entire situation louder.

My manager came barreling out of the break room where he was probably fapping to some lolicon.

"WHU-WHU-WHU-WHUS GOIN ON?!?!" he cried in his niggerish blackcent.

The customer cried a series of indefinable obscenities pointed at me and pointed at his daughter, who was covered in mustard.

My manager took one look at the girl, who was now trying to salvage what was left of the hot dogs, and told me to, and I quote, "GET OUT OF MY CUNTING STORE." I walked out laughing my fucking ass off, hearing the sobs of the kid and a wave of "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

In before copypasta, anyone in the Richmond, VA area that caught the 11:00 news can back me up.

KKK for Obama

ELECTION DAY APPROACHES! We democrats and White Nationalists have been working hard to get the ideal man to achieve our goals. Who'd have thought he'd be a nigger? It is important to everyone who believes in our movement to vote for this man. His white half is better then McCain's full whiteness.

1. His stance on abortion is ideal. Ever since abortion became popular and we made the democrat party that they flocked to for civil rights the same one that endorses that black abortions have skyrocketed. More then 50% of today's American abortions are niggers. Before abortion they made up 1/3 of the US population, now it's less then 18% and FALLING! Not only does he support it he voted against the born alive infant protection act which would have protected babies born alive during failed abortion attempts. he will bring their numbers low.

2. He opposes Education reform. Rather then back the Voucher plan that saved the DC public schools his only plan is to raise taxes. Thank our property tax based school funding for the modern defacto segregation that keeps poor kids in schools funded by ghetto property taxes while rich white kids are issued a laptop per child cause their school is funded by higher value property taxes. He won't give the niggers a right to go to rich kids public school.

3. He'll keep the niggers dependent on governments. A higher minimum wage will make it harder for unskilled uneducated workers to break into the job market, and rather then encouraging businesses to build factories in poverty stricken projects where unemployment abounds he'll tax them to the point they will go across the border, so them damn Taco-nigger Mexicans can stay on their side and work.

continued next post.

4. Finally an end to the war on drugs. Sure we can't lock them up for stupid reasons anymore but if anything will keep them stuck int heir government housing with no ambition it's some heroine and crack sold at their local Korean liquor store.

5. Speaking of Koreans. Asian's high grades and college graduation rate is trumping our own. Luckily Obama's affirmative action quotas will limit high scoring gooks in favor of lower scoring niggers and whites. Keeping us dominant.

6. A windfall profits gas tax. This will increase the cost of gas because as always they will pass the cost on to the consumer, unlike a profit cap or a tax cut on condition of lower prices this has nothing to stop them from passing it on. FINALLY they will no longer be able to afford to drive around in those ridiculous rolling sound systems of theirs.

7. We can't risk people like McCain and his Jew-controlled campaign encouraging people to do like he did and adopt a nigger and raise them as a white. Then you have abominable creatures like SMART niggers such as Thomas Sowell who are capable of spotting our plans and ruining the great thing the Klan started in the Democratic party over 150 years ago.

VOTE FOR YOUR RACE'S GOOD! VOTE OBAMA!

Delicious Pancakes

Hey /b/

So this girl invited me over to her house early one morning. She said she need help with math, and offered to make me breakfast for all my trouble. I figured hell free food and time with a OK looking girl why the hell not. So I get up around 5am to get at her house around 6. It was kinda hard finding the place because it was sorta tucked in back of this big forest. I get to her house and ring the door bell, only half awake. She answers the door in a very small tank top and short shorts. "Oh, hay you made it, come on in." She said looking tired as well. I couldn't help but wonder why she would want me to come some early if she wasn't used to the hour ether? "Sorry about the mess and the time, this is about the only time everyone else is out of the house and I wanted to be alone with you."

"Alone but why, I thought you needed help on math." I said then felt instantly stupid. She smiled sweetly and offered me a seat at the table. "I have a big family, and they tend to be very nosy we wouldn't have gotten anything done had they been here." I nodded and sat down in doing so I got a very nice look at her ass which was actually very nice. "Do you like?" She asked me and I thought I had been caught, "Wait what?" I asked trying to keep my cool. "Do you like pancakes? I'm told I make some of the best, I even add different kinds of fruit to them. Also, I have some bacon and eggs going as well. Shouldn't be much longer." I nodded and she walked back into the kitchen, as the door opened I smelled the most wonderful smell ever.

I couldn't help but follow her in the the kitchen where I saw some of the best looking pancakes I had ever seen ever. I couldn't help but smile a big smile as I wondered what they would taste like. "I'm almost done, do you want orange juice or apple juice?" She asked me I told her apple and she poured me some from a chicken shaped kettle on the counter. I took it and drank it happily it was had the right amount of sweetness. "Why don't you go and take a seat, we can get started after we eat." I did as she said and sat down at my seat at the table.

Minutes later she appears with a bunch of big plates of food and sets them on the table. Then begins to dish out food for me putting over 9,000 light and fluffy, blueberry filled pancakes on the plate in front of me, and some bacon and eggs on a separate plate. "There you go if you want more when your done with that just ask." She then started to get some food of her own and I put syrup on my pancakes and took a big bite. It was the best thing I had ever tasted, ever. I hadn't even realized it but I was making a horrible face despite how awesome they were. "Oh, is something wrong?" She asked me sounding really concerned for me, she got up and started rubbing my back. "No it's just usually, I only have Reese's for breakfast." To which she screamed. "Candy, for breakfast?" "No." I replied. "Reese's puff cereal, it's candy for breakfast!"

Locker room erections in high school.

Guys locker room erection

Growing up in middle school and high school I always had a problem taking a shower with the other boys.

Many of the boys in high school would walk around the locker room with an erection. Rubbing it against the smaller guy’s and bragging about how big they were. My penis was very small about 1” with out an erection. In the locker room the guys would always make fun of me a tell me I was more like a girl. I realize it know that many of those guys were most likely gay. A few of the guys next to me used to come over a pinch my penis and when I got and erection about 3” would push me around the locker room and making sure everyone would see me. Once they pushed me outside in front of some girls and I was so ashamed not only did I not have en erection but it was almost an completely inside my body less then an inch and some of the girls thought it was so funny and did in fact make fun of me. A few girls were teasing me about my small penis and I had an erection at the time and they talked me into showing it to them.

That turned out to be cool because they thought it was small but a cute erection and three of them touched and played with it right outside the boys locker room!

One of the asshole guys onetime made me touch his erection in the locker room when no one else was around. We were in there shower and he made me stroke him with soap. He made me stand there as he put soap on my body then he rubbed my cock with soap and I got an erection. He soaped my ass and stuck his finger in it. My eyes started tearing up and I told him to leave me alone but he said he would pull his finger out and stick his cock in. I begged him to leave me alone and said other guys could come in the locker room at anytime and what would happen if they saw him. He then said I had a choice he would stick it in my ass, I could suck his cock or he would kick my ass and still do one or the other. He was so much bigger then me so I decided to have him pull his finger out and fuck me rather then suck him. He already had a lot of soap in my as and he slid his cock all the way in my ass which made me cry in pain but before he could start pumping a teacher came in and he quickly pulled it out and I even faster got out of that locker room and never took a shower unless there were lots of guys in there. I am now a bisexual man and I have learned to love seeing guys in the locker room and it’s always fun to see the younger guys walking around with an erection that they have no control over. I never grew much larger then 3” hard but there are a lot of guys that seem to appreciate it in the men’s locker room and unlike the early years I enjoy showing it and sharing it and the once in a while that I have sex in the guys locker room it’s always fun and exciting and not a nightmare like in high school, now it’s all fun.

Obama vs. McCain (recommended picture Obama in Yammukah at Holocaust Memorial)

I'm sick of you faggots talking about how the Obamessiah is the only one who can save us from Emperor Bush. I realized this is a gay forum and we are therefore all about gay rights, but It's time to talk about the issues, the only REAL issue that /b/ cares about or ever discusses at length.

Obama was born on August 4th 1961 in Honolulu, during the authority of Surgeon General Luther Terry, who advised that all males be circumcised. This being a birth picked up by the state as Anne Stanley was only accepting tuition money from her millionaire parents, that means the child would automatically be Circumcised unless the parents objected. Barack Senior being a Muslim who was himself circumcised and was still practicing at the time he would have had the procedure done even if the hospital had not. That's right. Barack Obama is a half-dick Cutfag.

There's more. John McCain born August 29, 1936 under surgeon General Thomas Parran who predates the recommendations to circumcise children in America. What's more he was born in the Panama Canal zone. Panama not practicing circumcision, and being in a military hospital they would abide by the surgeon general's recommendation who had not yet addressed this. Anything done would be at parent's request, his parents were both of UK descent and would not practice circumcision either. That's why Cindy McCain drinks wine before a blowjob, cause it goes great with Cheese and that's just what she's gonna taste.

Would you REALLY vote for a cutfag?

China's superiority

I am Chinese man and very happy. We taking all your money U.S.A. Ha Ha Ha. Soon you will all work for Chinese man. Ha Ha Ha. We make everything, you make nothing. Ha Ha Ha. Soon you are third world county like Mexico. Ha Ha Ha. We will be buying your country cheap. Ha Ha Ha. We make friends with Muslims and will get more of the oil so you have little. Ha Ha Ha. You have stupid politicians. Ha Ha Ha. Soon you will all be very poor. Ha Ha Ha. Soon you all be dead.

This Must Be Shared

It started out as a joke. My friends had joked about it - even egged each other on to try it. We all laughed at the concept.

Fucking a bowl of cheerios?

The mere idea sent shivers down my spine. The initial roughness in texture. The cold milk shrinking my erect PENIS.

"What joy could there be in that?" I thought to myself.

After a few weeks nobody brought it up anymore. We'd moved on to different jokes and catch phrases as most groups do. They weren't as funny, but they definitely weren't as weird. We did the usual things and Friday was drinking day. By 2:00 am all four of us were plastered. Jake let out a long sigh after pounding another shot of SoCo and Kevin was loudly snoring on the couch. After a twenty minutes or so it was just Steve and I alone left finishing off our remaining beers.

"Dude hold on," Steve smiled. "What's up man?" I said in my drunken stupor.

Steve sloshed his way over to his refrigerator and removed a gleaming white bowl from the fridge. I instantly knew what it was.

"What the shit fuck is that Steve?" I asked "Fuckin' Cheerios man. You should fuck them!" He seemed excited. "Dude it was just a joke. Don't tell me you..." I was cut off. "Naw dude I didn't fuck no cheerios. But I will bet you $50 you won't do it." I had my excuse. "Fine fucker I'll do it." I was becoming erect already. "How will I know you did it, huh?" I froze up. My erection started to die. "Is this some elaborate ploy for you to see my fucking dick, bro?" I shouted, nearly waking our sleeping companions. "Nah dude I just don't want any fucking cheating, man. I got $50 on this shit." "Fine, I'll do it with my back to you and just stick my dick out through my fly." I was erect again.

We both went silent. I carefully walked to the corner of the room and looked down upon the soggy mash of Cheerios awaiting my erect cock.

They were Honey Nut.

Without waiting I plunged my eager tool deep into the bowl. The milk washed upon my swollen testicles as they dipped into the soft contents of the bowl. I thrusted gently and realized how the cheerios seemed to react to the shape of my member.

The bowl was deeper than I expected. I heard cries of laughter coming from Steve but I kept going. I wave of white anticipation struck me as my PENIS grew stiffer and my balls rumbled with an all to familiar feeling.

I came. I came into that honey nut flavored bowl of beaten cheerios. My semen mixed flawlessly into the color of the bowl. My knees went weak. My breathing hastened.

"I fucking love cheerios," I said with a smile.

Three days had past since my first cheerio-man encounter.

I had since then started experimenting with different things. I tried chocolate milk, but it the whole experience just felt... interracial. I tried adding sugar as well but the clean up became a hassle.

Finally I settled on bananas. They were the missing part of the equation. The cheerio inspired orgasms had doubled in strength, but my roommates were growing suspicious. I had never ate cheerios in the two years we'd lived together and now I was going through a box per day. And nobody had ever seen me eat a bowl. I knew I had to be careful.

I called Steve to to joke about it a few days after it had happened and he didn't remember. I lost $50 but gained an experience that can only be equated with touching God. It was a fair trade.

With Steve out of the way I felt a little more relaxed.

"But not as relaxed as I could be," I whispered quietly to myself. A grin formed on my face as I slowly exited my room and made my way down the stairs. Only my roommate Lynn was home. She was gorgeous, but I had no time for girls.

I had cheerios.

I carefully poured the bowl of cheerios into the deepest bowl I could find. I delicately sliced one whole banana and placed it meticulously around the bowl.

"This is going to be a great night," I thought.

I snuck outside to let the cheerios moisten, my PENIS throbbing in anticipation. My mouth moist as if the cheerios had some Pavlovian effect on me.

I snuck inside quickly and plunged my cock straight into their cool, soft innards. I thrust my head back in pleasure as the banana slices gently caressed the sides of my swollen prick. It had been only a few minutes, but showers of cum sprang from my PENIS mixing into the milky broth. A quiet whisper escaped my lips.

I began to cleanup and headed to the sink to wash the dish when I heard it.

"What are you doing?" My roommate Lynn stood there barely awake. "I uh just having a bowl of cheerios," I smiled. "I'm fucking hungry and you keep eating them. Now I'm craving em. Hand em over."

I was erect again.

She eagerly filled her mouth with my magic potion of cheerios, banana's, and semen infused milk.

"God this is good. No wonder you like it so much," She said as little streams of milk poured down her chin. "Heh, you're getting it all over yourself," I said. "Oh, I'll get it," She licked her chops in a way that made gave my rod a new precum finish. "This is so much better than usual - what did you add?" "Se-se-se-seenamon," I sputtered. "It doesn't taste like cinnamon, but it does taste really familiar," I always knew she was a slut.

She looked as if she winked at me, but I played it off as if my eyes were playing tricks on me. She sloppily finished off the bowl and hopped up on counter. She put the bowl in the sink and placed her hands next to her.

"I always knew you were a Cheerio fucker," This time she definitely winked at me.

Life had been good since Lynn called me out about my new addiction. The truth was she loved the subtle semen taste mixed with milk as her ex used to cum in her soy milk when he was mad at her. She caught him doing it but had already developed a taste for it.

So our relationship started. I would sneak out of my room late at night and plunge my rod deep into a bowl. The thought of her devouring it the next day made harder than I thought possible and when I came it was, well, amazing. My life had taken a turn for the best and I was loving every minute of it.

About two weeks into our relationship Lynn informed all of us roommates that her Sister and her daughter would be staying with us for a couple of days because of a fire at their house. I guess money was tight and they couldn't really afford a hotel. Nobody really objected, but inside I was in turmoil. Could I really get away from my dark cereal obsession for a couple of days? I would have to try - I couldn't risk them finding out.

They showed up a that night and I could barely hold back the urge to plunge my cock into a bowl of oatmeal Lynn's sister made for her daughter. It was an idea I hadn't considered, but noted I must try.

We spent the rest of the night watching boring sitcoms on TV until everyone decided to get to sleep.

I laid on my bed for what seemed like hours. I couldn't hold back anymore. My erection had formed a circus tent on my bed and I knew what I had to do.

I snuck out of my room as I had so many times in the last few months and down the stairs. Lynn's niece was sleeping in her room, but Lynn's sister was asleep on the couch in that was less than 10 feet from the kitchen. If I was to do this I'd have to be stealthy, but the noises I made while fucking cheerios were ungodly. So I had another plan.

I'd fuck them in the bathroom.

I poured myself a bowl and snuck quietly into the bathroom near the stairs. I gave myself a few quick strokes to get me hard then I plunged right in. The cool milk creeped up my urethra and gave me a sort of numb sensation. I almost came right then, but I held back. My erect cock hit the bottom of the bowl like a sledge hammer of meat. I groaned as the soft but gritty texture of the cheerios rubbed against my sensitive PENIS. Pressure began building in my balls as the slapped against the outside of the bowl. I stopped and smiled for a second before resuming my unholy act.

And then it happened. I came but the sensation of fucking the cheerios so close to someone else took over and I came again - both ejaculations twice my normal size. I groaned loudly, but quickly caught myself.

I grinned to myself as I played the scene of Lynn eating these tomorrow in front of her sister and niece. She would barely be able to contain herself.

I walked to the door and went to open it, but as I approached I noticed I was hard again.

A warm feeling washed over me. One more load wouldn't hurt, right?

Yet I didn't sleep for long. I woke up early and went downstairs. I didn't watch to chance missing the show. I wanted to see Lynn get as worked up as she normally did when she swallowed her first bite of my cum and cheerios concoction.

She had gotten so worked up about a month ago that she had started fingering herself as she ate. I'm sure most guys would have gone crazy to the sight, but I was fixated on the soggy lumps of over-worked cheerios.

As I walked downstairs I heard the voices of Lynn and her sister. I hadn't really caught their names since I had been preoccupied with my secret so I figured now was a good time.

"Good morning guys!" I smiled at both of them as they sat on the couch and watched morning cartoons. "Good morning," they both didn't look up. "My names Jack. I don't think I got your names though," I put on a fake smile. "Well my names Karen and this little terror is Stephanie," She smile back at me as she pointed to her daughter, Lynn's niece. "Well it's a pleasure to meet you guys. Mind if I join you for some TV? I love this show."

I wedged in the seat next to Karen and zoned out waiting for Lynn to come downstairs. About 20 minutes later she did. She was dressed in a tiny mini skirt and a sports bra. She looked fantastic.

It was the first time since cheerios I had actually been turned on my a woman.

She mumbled a greeting and walked to the refrigerator. I became hard with anticipation and did my best to shift my position as to not alert Karen or Stephanie.

Lynn's eyes widened as she looked into the fridge. I could see her knees weaken a bit and she let out a little bit of a groan.

"Are you okay?" Karen asked her. "Uh, um, yeah. I'm just feeling a little sick." Lynn lied. "Oh, well if you need anything let me know. I can't thank you enough for letting us stay her. You too Jack."

Just then something terrible happened. Stephanie, who couldn't have been more than 5 years old piped up.

"Mommy I'm hungry!" She said.

Lynn's facial expression became devious. Mine became horrified. We both knew what was about to happen.

Lynn spoke before I could.

"Well we're out of breakfast foods really. But there is a bowl of cheerios in the fridge if you're hungry Stephanie." "I love cheerios," Stephanie sat right up and headed to the breakfast table. "They're a little soggy. Is that okay?" Lynn was clearly getting off on the idea. I hate to admit it, but I was too. Precum was oozing off my cock like the first time Lynn ate my cheerios.

Lynn handed her the bowl and a spoon and sat down next to here with a glass of OJ. Karen asked us if we could watch her while she took a shower and Lynn agreed.

"Why don't you join us Jack," Lynn smiled at me and I eagerly got up and headed for the table.

I sat down next to Lynn and noticed that she had already started playing with herself under the table. I smiled at her and she winked at me.

She took a sip of her orange juice and gently moved her hand out of her crotch and into my lap. She undid the button and tugged on my erect cock and gently started stroking it.

Meanwhile Stephanie was about to eat the cheerios. She was about to take her first bite when my conscience kicked in.

"Hey Stephanie," I said. "Hi Jack," She put the spoon down. "What if I take you out for some pancakes instead?" I smiled. "I love pancakes even more than cheerios!" She smiled. "But I mommy told me not to waste food!" Stephanie looked sad. "Well maybe Lynn will eat them," I smiled at Lynn but she wasn't having any of it. "No I'm not hungry. Jack why don't you eat them." As she spoke her grip tightened on my PENIS and the stroking stopped. "Yeah Jack, can you please eat them?" Stephanie's pleading eyes caught me off guard and I knew my fate. "Alright, I'll eat them. Then we'll go out for pancakes okay?" I gulped. I had never considered it but my cock was growing and Lynn could tell. She started stroking again. Her pace quickened as the cheerios got closer.

I took my first bite and nearly came as it washed down my throat. The strong honey nut flavor was complimented by the subtle saltiness of my own semen. I was worried that I might have been disgusted, but all hesitation was gone now. I was thoroughly enjoying every bite.

I could see now why Lynn loved it so much.

Each salty bite was like a wave of passion flooding over me and I could feel Lynn stroking my faster than before. The pressure was building and I knew I had limited time before I’d explode in a wave of euphoria. Normally I wouldn’t care, but Stephanie was still eagerly watching me devour my tainted cereal.

“Stephanie - why don’t you go and get dressed? I’m almost done and I know you’re hungry.” “Okay!” She hopped up from the chair and disappeared upstairs.

She was just in time to because as I heard the door slam Lynn dropped to her knees and slid my already pulsing PENIS into her mouth and then deep into her throat. She gagged a something I can only assume was sexy as I put the bowl to my lips and began to suck the thick milk and jizz mixture; slurping as loud as I possibly could.

I finally finished coming and Lynn sat back in her chair. “You have a really small PENIS, Jack” She laughed. “Hey – at least it’s circumcised!” This time I laughed. “Yeah, I can’t stand uncut guys. But seriously it’s kinda small. You’re lucky your semen is like nectar. I can’t get enough.” She licked her lips to show me she wasn’t kidding. “That’s good to hear. Thanks for that by the way. You almost compare to cheerios.”

A few months had pass since Lynn’s family left and I had kept up on my cheerios fucking adventures. Lynn still enjoyed her morning bowl and I had now upped it to four loads. But like any relationship things had become less exciting. I needed something to spice things up – to make things the way they used to be. I had let Lynn in on it, but she wasn’t very much help.

“Why don’t you just fuck me? I’m pretty hot and I can take a dick well,” It was the only thing she really said and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was too different and frankly kind of grossed me out.

But then I had an epiphany. Maybe it was time for a fantasy I had always had. My dick was already 4 inches deep into a bowl of cheerios as I came to the concept.

It was time to try corn flakes.

I went down to the local grocer and could barely contain my anticipation as I approached the cereal isle. Euphoria hit me like a sack of bricks as I walked down the glorious aisle. I had been here many times, but the concept of a new cereal made this experience new. It was like I had broken up with a girlfriend and could simply pick a new one for the price of $3.99 (or 2 for $5 with a club card).

My erection was obvious as I side stepped an older lady to get to the corn flakes. I’m sure she saw it, but I didn’t care. A white box with a giant rooster on beckoned me. It was almost as if it was meant to be. I started to leave the aisle but something didn’t feel right. I immediately figured out what it was. We were out of cheerios at home.

I picked up a few boxes of cheerios with a grin and headed to the check out.

When I got home I was greeted by six strangers - all of the trashed and all of them obnoxious. I had counted on a nice quiet evening with a bowl of corn flakes and maybe a bit of wine, but I would have to wait. My other roommate - Paul - was throwing a party. I couldn’t really complain because he was extremely quiet and never really did anything to step on anyone’s toes.

It didn’t matter. I’d just fulfill my mission in my room. Maybe Lynn would watch.

I walked to the kitchen and grabbed two bowls and a gallon of milk and hobbled up to my room. I knocked on Lynn’s door but she didn’t answer.

It looked as if tonight was going to be just me and my cereal.

I stared at the bowl longingly as I poured the cornflakes out of their box. My cock started pulsating as the orange tinged flakes toppled out into the bowl. Milk soon joined them, and my throbbing PENIS drew closer, almost with a mind of its own.

A few strokes to get hard, and I was in. The texture, the shape, the color, the slightly roughened, non-circular edges caressed my meat as I plunged my dick further in. I had been taking PENIS enlargement pills on behalf of Lynn, who desperately wanted me all the way down her throat. My dick wasn't fitting the full way in, so I figured they must be working, and how!

Suddenly the door burst open. I wheeled around to see Lynn standing there, her eyes hungrily fixated on the bowl, wedged onto my dick.

"Is it my turn yet?" she inquired.

She flicked her brown hair and winked at me, and with a final thrust my load burst all through the cornflakes.

"Yes, just in time too."

She stalked over toward me, and grabbed the bowl off my crotch. Milk and stray flakes fell from my groin as she began devouring the fresh made bowl. Corn flakes were my new god, the shape and form created an ecstasy from which I could not hold back. Lynn looked up from her bowl, and questioned me for what seemed like the thousandth time;

"Please, Jack, can you fuck me while I eat this?"

My mind started whirring, I had formed a plan, a devious plan. I would give Lynn what she wanted, while escaping from my own dilemma of not wanting to fuck her. I would pour cornflakes and milk inside her. It would be orgasmic.

She seemed to read my thoughts, and nodded. I grabbed the packet of corn flakes and she fell onto the bed and spread her beautiful, long brown legs. I opened her wide, and started jamming in fistfuls of corn flakes with my hands. I added milk, and she yelped softly. I was throbbing with anticipation already.

I directed my pulsating cock into her moist pussy, her juices flowing and mixing with the milk and flakes. I jammed it inside her, forcing the cereal further and further inside her, fucking her with all the intensity I could manage despite the utter ecstasy I was in.

Harder and harder I pushed, her face staring up at me, milk mixed with my semen dribbling down her chin, wetting her tiny tank top. It was becoming too much. I thrust further and further inside her, the mix of cornflakes and pussy juices creating an amalgam of awesome that I just could not resist mentally.

"FUCK!" I screamed, as I shot what I would call one of the biggest loads I have ever felt through her system. Sh vibrated and clenched the bowl, dropping it to the floor, were it smashed, sending the contents scattering across the room.

I had made Lynn orgasm.

She immediately jumped up after she had recovered from the pleasure of the climax coursing through her body, and leapt off the bed. She then began licking the milk and flakes off the carpet, making distinct "Unghh" noises while she was doing it. I saw her thick, firm ass cheeks from behind, her pussy dripping with milk and juice, with the occasional flake falling out.

"I came inside you, Lynn." I said solemnly.

"I know, I'm on the pill, its okay." she said quickly, then resumed licking the flakes from the floor, her ass moving up and down slowly as she lapped up my body's fruits.

After that night, things seemed different. I couldn't find the same pleasure as I had fucking the cornflakes inside Lynn's pussy. I tried everything, I filled up a fleshlight with corn flakes, cheerios, bananas and milk but I just couldn't manage it, and Lynn didn't seem to be dropping any hints that she wanted more, and besides, she was going away for a month to see Stephanie and her mother's new home, and stay there for a while to "break it in".

After many unsuccessful attempts to reach the climax I had achieved before, I decided it was time for a more radical option, something I had considered yet never tried. I wasn't going to fuck a bowl, or a fleshlight, I was going to fuck the opening of a milk bottle, filled with cheerios, bananas, cornflakes and the rim lubed up to maximum.

I went to the store and purchased the ingredients. The checkout worker had come to learn my name and special, and as soon as I started walking towards him he already had the register open with my standard order programmed in.

"One more item today, Jer." I said to him, holding up the bottle of lubricant. He merely raised his bushy eyebrows and smiled, ushering me through.

"No need to pay for that one, with the amount of cereal you eat it must be a pretty inexperienced woman to have a thing for you!" He said, jokingly.

"Hey buddy, when you graduate from scanning my products to benefiting society, I'll take your opinion." I said, shoving the extra cash for the lube into his hand and walking out.

My hands were sweating all over the wheel of my car as I made the journey to my apartment. I raced in the door with my bags and set them on the table, and looked up to see Steve sitting there, watching TV.

"What are you doing here today bro?" I asked.

"Ah, I got the sack. By the way, did Lynn tell you before I left? There's some renovators coming in about 20 or so minutes to fix up the bathroom and buffer out some of those cracks in my walls, they're getting pretty damn big man."

"Oh. Cool." I responded. What the fuck! Where had this come from? Where would I bust this load now, my dick had been begging for it since I had arrived at the store and located the milk.

"How long will they take?" I inquired, covering my annoyance with nonchalance.

"Oh a few days or so. We're going to have to sleep and live down here for a while, is that cool?"

"Uh yeah, no worries... Where do I shit?" said I.

"Whoa, uhm, well there's a public toilet not far away, a 1-2 minute walk, I was hoping you wouldn't mind if we could use that?" Steve said, going a little red in the face. This was really starting to get to me, however I retained my composure.

"Well dude, I don't know. Seems a bit of a stretch, but I guess we need to stop this place going to shit, so I'll have to cope." I was infuriated. He was sitting there, smug little grin on his face. He'd never done anything like this before. But I already knew what he was having for breakfast tomorrow morning. A quadruple shot bowl of Cheerios.

It was just a shame Lynn couldn't be there to enjoy it.

I grabbed my shopping off the table and walked back out the door. Steve looked up at me for a second inquisitively, then evidently dismissed the thought. I strolled on down to the public bathrooms in the park just near our place, and entered stealthily.

I unpacked my things onto the closed seat of the toilet. Tipping a fair portion of the milk into the toilet bowl, I grabbed up the cheerios and the cornflakes and made haste in emptying them into the partially drained bottle. I broke up the banana with my hands and added that too, I felt like I was on some rabid druggie cooking show. My cock rose up in my pants as I took the tube of lubricant and applied it to the rim of the bottle, my hands quivering with excitement.

Slowly I bent the completed orgasm tube towards my cock, a little of the contents spilling down my legs. One thrust, two thrusts, and it was in. And was it ever in. Jamming my dick back and forth out of this bottle was possibly equal with fucking Lynn's cereal VAGINA.

Suddenly from outside I heard the cruel laughter of young boys. Evidently just off some sort of bullying endeavor, they strutted into the bathroom, and started kicking my door. I screamed at them to fuck off, but they just laughed and kept doing it. Then Jack had a plan. Jack had a devious, evil plan.

I blocked out the noises of the kids smashing my door in, and kept furiously working the bottle back and forth along my cock. I started making noises, and there were a few distinct "What the fuck is he doing?" calls heard from outside, but nothing could stop me, this was everything I had been waiting for the whole day. I pushed harder and harder, my dick pulsating with carnal desire for my whole grain lover, when I felt my balls rumble.

It was time.

I ripped the bottle off my dick, and jerking myself furiously I charged out of the cubicle, cock dripping with milk and precum. And I fired the greatest load of sperm I think I have ever witnessed, from any human. The cum arced, and I watched almost in slow motion as if covered the baby face of some 12 year old ass hole, his backwards trucker's cap soaked in, his face a mask of terror. They all screamed like little bitches and fled before the advancing wrath of my throbbing member.

Instantly, I was hard again. I closed my sacred cubicle, and started pumping the bottle back and forth. Steve was going to enjoy his breakfast tomorrow, I thought to myself. Over about an hour I came four separate times into that bottle. My balls were black and blue, and I stumbled back to our place. Falling through the door, Steve was nowhere to be found. Hopefully he was out looking for work. I dropped onto the couch and set my watch alarm to wake me at 6am tomorrow morning to organize Steve's feast. It was about 8:30PM when I fell asleep.

The next morning I awoke to the beeping of my watch. Steve was on the floor, on some sort of mat that I didn't even know we owned. It looked pretty grungy, however it would have nothing on what he was about to eat. I got up groggily, sleep inertia clouding my senses, and stumbled to the fridge. Opening it, my jaw dropped. The bottle was gone.

I looked around, I couldn't see it anywhere. Had Steve found it? Had he already eaten it? Anxiety collected in the pit of my stomach. I ran into Lynn's room to see if I could find it, to find her, head tilted back, drinking the miasma of soggy cereal and four shots of my nut butter.

"Hey Jack. Work told me I needed to be back so I had to come. Speaking of come, this was pretty strong stuff. You been eating much raw salt lately?" she said, winking, and tossed the bottle into the corner and walked out of the room. I realised then that I wanted her again. I wasn't sure if she didn't want to take my dick any more or if she was playing hard to get, but I wanted her lips wrapped around my shaft, more than a good cold bowl of Cheerios.

But the fact still remained, Steve had escaped my wrath. So I formed a plan. A plan to win access to the warm bowl of Lynn's VAGINA and destroy the mind of Steve for subjecting me to the torture of those bastard children.

I thought I'd kill two birds with one stone.

Speaking to Steve, he said he was out last night at the bar, busy with his dealings with the ladies, as he likes to say. I decided to lie a little. I said that Lynn would be bedding in a hotel, and she told me to tell him this if he had woken up and she had left for work. He bought it like the docile fellow he is. I moved the conversation on to her room, and said that she had proposed that either of us could sleep in her bed. I decided to "martyr" myself for him, and allowed him to use it while she was away. He had a huge thing for her, and he'd probably skeet from just being in her room. I convinced him to have another night out at the pub, and that perhaps his luck would wax strong tonight with concerns to the "ladies". By no means was Steve an unattractive man, and I hoped he'd find some early consolation before having his mind obliterated.

Part A of the plan was complete. Part B would be initiated when Lynn arrived home from work. But first, a trip to the store for the supplies. The delivery must be perfect if I was to pull this off with maximum efficiency. Thus, away I went, and arrived home about an hour before Lynn was due home. Perfection. Steve had left the house too, even better.

Part B rolled into action. I had purchased a little something extra today from the chemist, and by purchased, I mean I asked my friend at the counter for it and he handed it over free of charge, on the condition that I explained the whole story to him. By the way Andrew, if you're out there, you're part of the reason I'm writing this. I know you're lurker. Anyway, I had me some Viagra. I didn't know what would happen if I took this, but I knew that if I was going to get as much semen into the bowl as I needed, then I was going to need stimulation worthy of Zeus.

When I arrived home, I poured myself a bowl and quickly shot off my first two loads. This wasn't even a challenge anymore. As my cock started to hurt, I took the Viagra. Instantly I was revitalized, and managed a full three more loads sprayed into the bowl. But my last tablet I was saving for when Lynn got home. I quickly cleaned everything up and got to my room, where I lay in wait. My cock was in terrible pain, but I needed just one more load, for Lynn.

I heard the front door click open. It was about 11PM at the moment, she was about three hours late, which seemed odd. She walked inside, I heard the fridge open, and a grunt of dismay. She then called my name.

"Jack? You home?"

I decided not to respond. I was standing in her room, totally naked, packed of cornflakes on the floor, milk in one hand, and the quintuple shot Cheerio bowl in hand. I quickly trod on the "send" button on my phone, which lay beneath my feet. The message would arrive on Steve's phone any second.

"Get back here now, preferably with the girl you're talking to. I have a nice surprise for you two."

Steve was the kind of man that couldn't resist a good surprise, especially one which involved him and another woman. He'd be home soon.

The handle on the door to the room slowly began to turn. I had taken exorbitant amounts of Viagra and my cock felt as if it was going to explode. The door creaked open, and there she was, in her work clothes, a tight black skirt, hair done up, and a suit jacket over her shoulders. Her blouse was bursting, it was just too small for her tits. I assumed she had been going for a raise today. She looked at me with mouth wide open. Her purse fell to the floor.

"Cheerios? 5 shots in this one." I calmly stated.

She rushed at me, facade of disinterest gone from her eyes. She grabbed the bowl from my hand and literally plunged her face into its depths. I could hear soft "Unghh" sounds from her diaphragm, my dick was so hard it was unbelievable. She noticed, and grabbed it, and began to rub it. The feeling was amazing. I managed to murmur;

"Cereal...In your pussy?"

She managed to nod amidst the devouring of my honey nut butter Cheerios. She sat down on her bed, and started eating, as I grabbed the milk, cereal and banana, and began to create my concoction. I poured it into her VAGINA and stuck my cock in as soon as I could. I was fucking her hard as she munched on the Cheerios, my cries of ecstasy mixed with her grunts and snorts of pleasure. She was in heaven, and so was I. I kept plunging my cock in and out, until I realized that we needed so add something. I turned her over, and spread her ass cheeks, shoving fistfuls of cornflakes and cheerios into her tight anus. In went the milk, followed closely by my banana. I had found the meaning of life. I was drilling her in the ass, an ass filled with delicious cereal and my meat, together creating a miasma of pleasure that made me see Jesus.

When suddenly the door ripped open, and we saw Steve standing there, complete with some unattractive whore he had found at the bar. His mouth was wider than Lynn's anus. But that wasn't stopping us. There was shit and milk everywhere, my room mate standing at the door to the room, and me fucking his lifelong love in her ass while she ate a bowl of semen infused Cheerios.

My relationship with Cheerios is now serious.

We haven't heard from Steve in a long time.

And the volume of the profanities he was screeching, well that I'll take to the grave.

Was I raeped?

I just wanted to know if I was almost raped or just taken advantage of or what happened. So, last night I went to watch a movie with a guy I met a few days ago. I have no friends at college and he said he'd be my friend. So we went up to his friends dorm and had some drinks. I thought we were gonna watch the movie there, but of course it didn't faze me when I found out we were watching in his dorm room. And we watched the movie, but he kept hugging me and trying to get closer. I could tell he was getting a little discouraged because I wasn't responding to him in the way he wanted. I told him I had a girlfriend earlier hoping that that would set some ground rules automatically, but he said I shouldn't have a girlfriend because I was in college. Anyways after the movie, he started kissing me and kissed my neck and left hickeys all over them. I told him to stop... and that I didn't want hickeys all over my neck. And he said to trust him. I told him I can't do this I have a girlfriend, but he kept going. He lifted up my shirt and started to suck on my nipples and then he reached down in my pants and started to play with me. I told him I was on my period and that I should go. If I hadn't said that I don't think he would have stopped. I cried myself to sleep. Especially when I saw the hickeys and when I realized what almost happened. And I had just figured out how much I really love my girlfriend. That guy didn't care!!! My girlfriend is coming tonight and I have to tell her and I don't know how. I'm afraid she isn't going to want me anymore, and I have to live through this alone. Whether or not it was an almost rape. I'm scared and upset and so many other things. Please help, /b/.

American idiots

I am sick of tired of Americans everywhere. Specially politically speaking. I mean, you guys avoid doing any actual thinking! You just seat on your high political standpoints and call all those that don't agree with you "Liberal" or "Conservative". Now, your economy is getting fucked up and all you can do is point fingers to blame your opposing party, or immigrants, or just everyone that isn't you.

Why are you so lazy? Why don't you get up from your McDonald's fat ass and do something for yourselves? Starting with some thinking.

And for godsakes, don't be so freaking easy to manipulate! The stupid Iraq war for example. The whole country got played on like a drum, and you even elected dumbass bush a second time. After proving his Olympic grade incompetence for four years.

What good did the war serve? Other than screwing you economy that is.

Eight Days of Misery

Hello, /b/. It’s time that I admit I am Jewish. I have kept this secret for a long time, but I must come clean. I cannot keep lying to you, because that means I am lying to myself. I must also admit that I am of the Jewish faith so that I can tell you about my Hanukkah. It may have been the worst eight days of my life.

Day One: Day one seemed to go normally, except when I called my girlfriend Jessica, she did not answer. Confused, I asked my brother Jack if he knew anything that might be happening with her. He did not clearly answer me, just shrugged and mumbled some shit.

Day Two: When Jessica came over, she seemed to be ignoring me a lot. I kept trying to talk to her, but she acted like I did not even exist. "Come on, Jessica," I pleaded. "What's wrong?" She whipped around and glared at me. "God, Jeremy! Why won't you give me any space!" That hurt more than any physical pain I could imagine.

Day Three: I could really tell something was amiss, so I asked everyone I knew about it. At first they did not respond, but eventually my mother tearfully admitted something to me. “It’s your brother,” she said. “He’s been sleeping with Jessica.” I shook my head, in the warm comfort of my denial. "No way," I claimed. "Jack would never do something like that." "It's true," said my mother. "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, Jeremy." I went to my room without a word.

Day Four: I had to absorb this knowledge overnight before I could confront Jack. On day 4 I finally did. "Why did you sleep with Jessica!?" I demanded. "Who told you!?" "Mom did." Jack sighed. "Oh, man, I begged her not to tell anyone else." I ignored his pathetic excuse. "How could you, Jack? You're my brother!" As he opened his mouth, I got so pissed off at his fucking face and that huge, stereotypical Jewish nose, that I slammed my fist straight into it. Jack fell backwards screaming, then kicked my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. We came to blows, beating at each other until my dad managed to separate us.

Day Five: Jack and I still refused to speak to each other. Jessica called me twice, but I ignored that cheating whore!

Day Six: This day remains imprinted in my memory. I sat down and talked with Jessica. "Why would you do this to me?" I asked. "I don't know, Jeremy. I-I love him!" I could not handle this. It was as if my arm had a mind of its own. It snapped up and slapped my hand across her face. Jessica looked at me in shock, then ran away. I actually cried that night.

Day Seven: I remained in my room for most of the seventh day of Hanukkah, not speaking to anyone, contemplating what to do.

Day Eight: On the eighth day, I finally figured out how to solve the problem. After waking up, I laid in bed until everybody else was up. I stood and grabbed the switchblade from my dresser. Placing it in my pocket, I went downstairs. There I saw Jack next to the Hanukkah candles. "Hey," I said quietly. Finally, I really spoke to him. "Jack, we shouldn't keep this grudge up over Hanukkah. Come on. We need to make our peace." Jack nodded soberly. I looked over at the candle. "Come on. Let's light the candle, Jack." We lifted the match to the eighth candle, and just as the flame lit, I pulled out my switchblade and stabbed hi

This is my first and last time posting on this website

This is my first and last time posting on this website. My son was in a drunk driving accident yesterday and his last dying words were: Mom, do a barrel roll. I did a Google research on it and that led me ultimately here.

Looking at your website for the last hour I have seen:

  • Pictures of corpses
  • Misogyny
  • Terrorism
  • Discussion of rape
  • Encouraging suicide
  • Encouraging the use of drugs and alcohol

There is a line between free speech and insane disgusting crap that has already been detrimental to the lives of MY children and I am sure children across the world. It says i have to post an image so i did but i just want you to know that i have started my campaigning against your website as of today. If you as an online community do not clean up your act, i will be forced to take legal actions against your website. I myself am a very rich woman, and i will be sure to get the best team of lawyers to do the mash, to do the monster mash. The monster mash, it was a graveyard smash.

Jewfag lololol

So i was sitting in class today and this Asian kid says "fucking shit" and I talk to him I'm like Asians must curse a lot because I saw this show with an Asian on in and he got kicked off for swearing too, and your Asian so i conclude that all Asians swear excessively. I was kidding, OK? And I'm Jewish, big deal Jewfag lololol, So he comes back out of nowhere like "Yea, well Jews are more flammable" and I'm like "wtf I'm just as flammable as you" and he's like "No you're more flammable and I've got 6 million pieces of evidence" WTF

I was about to stab him in his fucking eyes slits and punch him in his chink ass face, i didn't though.

If you were in my position would you have punched the shit out of the kid?

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