Death Stranding (a.k.a. Norman Reedus and the Funky Fetus) is a vaguely horror-themed 2019 walking simulator for the PlayStation 4 and PC. Development of Death Stranding began shortly after professional batshit insane drug addicted Japanese man, Hideo Kojima, was fired from Konami for attempting to turn the Silent Hill reboot project Silent Hills (a.k.a. P.T.) into a nonsensical homoerotic clusterfuck starring The Walking Dead actor Norman Reedus. Following his departure from Konami, Kojima stole the script for Silent Hills by inserting it into his rectum, threw in even more crazy shit, and finally slapped the egotistical label "A Hideo Kojima Game" on the finished product.
You Are Overencumbered: The Game follows the gripping story of a post-apocalyptic delivery boy Sam Porter-Bridges (played by Norman Reedus) as he hauls large amounts of cargo all the way across the United States in an attempt to "Make America Whole Again" and impress his ex-girlfriend who happens to be both the President of The United States of America and a hologram. Accompanying Sam on his long, arduous journey is a pickled baby who can sense ghosts or some shit – we already told you that Kojima made this game, so what the fuck did you expect?
Touted by Kojima as a brand new genre of action game, Death Stranding is, in reality, just a massively pseudo-multiplayer walking simulator that, for some ungodly reason, features a likes system that's stolen from Facebook and implemented in the style of Dark Souls.
If you have ever suffered through Kevin Costner in The Postman than this game will seem all to familiar.
Your job, in game, is to play a delivery boy and reunite the country by conving the people that America still exists and is a solid entity by making deliveries and reconnecting the internets in a dystopian world but with the added weight that the world may be coming to an end through a great extinction event like the one that killed of the dinosaurs.
|Sam Porter Bridges||Your resigned hero that seems to populate Kojima games that will go on and do great things like prevent the world from suffering nuclear Armageddon all the while, keeping everyone at an arm's distance while being preachy about the apocalypse and how our overuse of styrophoam is killing crickets in the rain forests. This time, However, the Hero, Sam, is an autistic chump and has to keep everyone at arms length because he can't be touched because he suffers from a phobia that keeps him living in fear at being touched by other people. What a twist. He was the first of the Bridge Baby, BB, experiments and gained his power to repatriate, or come back from life's big banhammer after Amelie found the infant version of him in his afterlife, beach, after he had been shot and she healed him and sent him back to the world of the living to be adopted by Bridget, Amelie's real world counterpart - Amelie being the after world counterpart or the second half of the whole, who wasn't able to have children of her own thanks to the Big C. As a character he is rather boring and the only thing that makes him of any value to the story is 1: you play as him and 2: his back story as a BB is the most interesting part of the Game and doesn't resort to the one sided Cliche that so many of the characters succumb to.|
|Amelie||Sam believes that she is his Sister and sets out across the country, uniting it with the internet and making deliveries in the Hopes of finding her again although she has never really existed in the real world, all they have ever met was on Sam's beach, afterworld. She is an extinction entity, meaning it is her job to bring about an apocalypse to end the current dominant species on the Earth and her whole motivation for wanting to bring about the apocalypse is because she got tired of waiting around for the right time to begin it. To put it bluntly she is the rich, socialite heiress that only robs houses because she is bored. A one dimensional villain that Kojima tries to add depth to in a 45 minute ending that just won't end. It's not her fault, it's her fault for caring too much because she decided to save Sam's life which set the whole ball in motion of the apocalypse by opening up people's beaches and connecting them together like the internet.|
|Bridget||Exists to show that a Woman president will only bring about the end of the world. Adoptive mother of Sam and it was during her administration that the Death Stranding began bringing about the end of days. More one dimensional than Sam. Her role is to show that politicians are the Evil and will do anything and everything to get what they want when she was willing to use fetuses, bridge babies, to be the connecting piece of her Chiral Network or internets. She ordered Die Hard Man to kill Sam's father Cliff. she is the Earthly half of Amelie and dies before she can be characterized.|
|Deadman||Gets his name from the fact that he's a Frankenstein's monster and consists of 70% dead organs and other body parts. A mortician by trade, he serves as Sam's conscious while spouting conspiracy theories about Die HardMan, the former president and Amelie. Mostly exists to move the plot along by convincing Sam to find Amelie, giving him jobs or theorizing on events such as Die HardMan can't be trusted because he is black. Gets his rocks off when he is finally able to hug Sam at the end of the game.|
|Fragile||Just some girl that teleports Sam around and helps him get over his fear of being touched. that's it.|
|Die HardMan||A wannabe Darth Vader that'sthe big nigger in charge. In the Metal Gear Solid theme of names Die HardMan gets his name because, as a soldier, he came back alive and uninjured from all his missions. Assistant to the president. it is he who puts Sam on his mission to find Amelie and connect the country with the Chiral network in the Hope's of reuniting the country as a whole. At the end of the game he becomes president despite his plans to have Amelie succeed who he believes to be her mother as president. Another one dimensional character. His whole reason for being is to kill Sam's father Cliff and steal his BB to give Cliff a reason to come back to the the realm of the living to find his lost son.|
|Higgs||Another wannabe Darth Vader that hides behind a mask. Your first villain that in Kojima plot structure you know will end up being a pawn to the greater villain which is Amelie. A Terrorist that wants to bring about the end of days simply because it will happen someday in the future and he wants to just get it over with now.|
|Cliff||Sam's father. His whole goal is to get his BB back and only calms down once he realizes that it is Sam. Amelie brought Cliff back to teach Sam to bond with people again because it would be Sam who decides whether or not the Apocalypse is let loose on Amelie's Beach. He sent Sam to his Beach, Afterlife, when he tried to steal him, his BB, from a government facility getting them both shot. He is the central character of the game and sets it in motion.|
|Heartman||An Emo, Suicidal An Hero doctor that gets his name because he is a repatriate like Sam but chooses to shock his heart off every 21 minutes and then rezaps himself alive because he is looking for his dead wife and daughter in the after life. His great achievement in game is making shit and piss bombs to throw at the monsters.|
As this game does it's best to kill the fun and joy of what it proudly calls itself as an action game with long periods of strenuous walking with no battles and boss battles few and far between that leaves the player unprepared for what's expected of them because all they'vebeen doing the last three hours before a battle is Walking. The better alternative to playing this game would be to take an ice pick and jam it in your ear. You'd get more joy and be doing society a service through self deletion
Even learning the commands are a chore. You have to remember to light tap at certain points of the command cycle, say taking on a mission, and then hold the. button down at other points, such as accepting the mission, and then there's the walking. Walking. Walking. maybe a little less walking and a little more action so it can be the action game it claims to be.
Death Stranding - Featuring Rick and Morty from Rick & Morty
- Plagiarism - Kojima just took the Silent Hills script, added The Post Man plot to it with a whole lot of gay and slapped his name on it.
- Metal Gear Solid - The only successful thing that Kojima is known for.
- Postal 2 - That other game that lets you piss all over the place.
- Fallout: New Vegas - The only game with a delivery boy protagonist that isn't complete shit.
- Walking Simulator - What this game is.
- BABY FUCK - Death Stranding meets Rule 34.
- Horizon: Zero Dawn
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