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A million monkeys on a million typewriters, also known as FanFiction.Net, is one of many pus-filled boils on the tender ass-cheek of the internets. This site is a battle-ground between Animu fantards, yaoi Nazis, furfags, emo fucks, and 16 year old girls.
Founded at least 100 years ago, FF.Net is Fictionpress.com's mentally retarded buttbaby with Griffindor Tower. Oddly enough for a fanfiction site, much of its content has little or nothing to do with its source. Perhaps there were a few, somewhere along the way, but they were quickly overtaken by Naruto/Inuyasha yaoi x-overs.
Gifted with an exceptionally retarded fanbase, FF.Net manages to have the world record for most entries with spelling errors and 1337speak. Like its counterpart DeviantART, FF.Net actually slows and in some cases retards the creative process, meaning many competent writers will often be stuck doing slashfic while soaking up all the mindless praise and slowly forgetting hough two yous homonyms. It is interesting to note that many shitty DA artists have accounts on FF.Net.
Being an amazing website, FF.Net is a oasis of creativity. Even though there are literally tens of categories to fit your story in (only a handful of which ever get read), all fanfiction follows a set number of readers.
UPDATE: According to the great wizards of FF.Net, there hasn't been sexual or violent content allowed since 2002! Funny that they only now try to "enforce" this policy. Then again, most of you teen fappers won't even heed this warning. Sad. So many keyboards... forever sticky. If by enforce, you mean let the vilest string of words in creation to stew in FF.N's bowels, then absolutely.
Yaoi creaters are mostly girls that have absolutely no life what so ever, or are chicks who have never gotten laid and have nothing better to do but imagine men getting fucked because they never had. And are very very alone, they truly need to get some attention in their pitiful lives. However, this method of attention garnering is extremely effective, as many of the pairings you will see on the site will be impossible to forget without serious brain-injury (such as the countless ghoul/human pairings in the Fallout section), thus haunting you until death. Yaoi is the infection that leeches and drains on the minds of innocent browsers on FF.Net. Much of the time rape, epecially of minors, turns these pedo basement- dwellers on. Copy pasta is rampant, as these "authors" (if you could call them that) can't wrap their minute, warped minds around any concept other than constant raeping. However, occasionally a story is submitted for the lulz.
Like so. FUCKING JEWS TOOK IT DOWN
These stories are just not scary. Nope nope nope, not scary, never. When they’re not just ripping off Silent Hill, they’re just random scenes of "brutal" violence. It is not unusual to see a member of the Insane Clown Posse pop up somewhere. Often times the more serious the "horror" the more hilarious it is (most notably Spongebob horror fics).
These stories often contain vampires, because what’s more frightening than an emo dandy almost raping a bunch of characters not interesting enough to care about, slapping a bunch of run of the mill blood and gore and calling it original.
Then you come across a chick who while having no life, is slightly insane while she's at it, and has created a monster you can't help but tilt you head and stare at, unknowingly pointing in the process.
Or, emo emo bawwwwww! These are most often frequented by cutters who not only write both deep prose and poetry ripping off Evanescence, but often combine the two to create one massive lump of gay shit. Exhibit B: Jesus tittyfucking Christ. This bitch writes like she had her eyes closed and English is her third language, but claims to be "philosophical".
Suicide stories are not uncommon, with the surprisingly chipper author’s note saying "I almost tried suicide 1ce but now I no its not the answer lololololol." Authors that specialize in this genre can take even the most cheerful, outgoing character and turn them into a fermenting jug of emo jenkem.
Take for example the many many Harry and Edward fiction that graces the net with it's sucky presence. but hey, if i had a mass murdering shithead after me, or actually found myself liking that cunt who just wanted to get laid, I'd be depressed too. Then again, we all know they're Fags.
Really just an excuse to have a story 97 chapters long with an average of 100 words per chapter and a cliffhanger at the end of each one. Also! Notice! How! All! The! Characters! End! All! Of ! Their! Sentences! Like! This!
For those too cowardly to do yaoi. Contains some of the clumsiest descriptions of human interaction you’ve ever seen, possibly because authors in this category are mostly over forty and virgins.Mostly when someone fucks the person they were that they saw for one second and the bad guy is the person they are supposed to date. Self- insertion is a must!
These are completely unused categories. If you see someone post in them, it’s usually a mistake. Sometimes it is possible to find a fruity, swash-buckling adventure that doesn't know what genre it wants to be.
Hideously unfunny fantard humor. Usually involving their favourite character being hilariously wacky and OOC!!!111 Occasionally, you can find a good, funny parody of a shitty fandom, but these are very uncommon.
This is for the shit that’s too bland to even be romance. Usually stories about the main characters stubbing their toe and then going to buy batteries at a Bookstore. These stories are read by no one.
Rivaling DA in pure artistic failure, poetry is most often shit that they wrote while not paying attention in English. Typical subjects include rain, cutting, depression, cutting, existential shit, and how the blade of a knife feels so cool against your hot skin and how crimson blood is as it mars your pale flesh. And cock.
What’s somehow more derivative than a story using someone else's characters? A story using someone else's characters and a plot lifted from yet another person’s work, of course! Most crossovers include Harry Potter, Twilight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Naruto, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, Inuyasha, Final Fantasy 7, Kingdom Hearts, Sonic the Hedgehog , Yu Yu Hakusho, Charmed, and Sailor Moon. This is usually done for the sake of a yaoi pairing that wouldn't be possible otherwise.
On April 1st, 2009, the site's admins finally caved to bitching by its members and decided to take all the crossovers and separate them from the other fanfics, making it all the easier to find the most fucktarded crossover fics. Investigation into the matter has uncovered some truly disturbing crossovers:
- Mario/Care Bears
- Harry Potter/Anything
- House/Harry Potter
- E.T./Gilligan's Island
- Pirates of the Caribbean/Veggie Tales
- Lazy Town/Yu-Gi-Oh
- Sonic/Malcolm in the middle
- Kingdom Hearts/Glee
And that is merely the tip of the shitberg.
The mature stories, the nutsacks of the website, either contain unfunny chapters of children's cartoon characters cursing at each other every five seconds or worst of all, lemons. Good example here. So they take two characters (or, if they're really sick, more than that) and write about them getting into some steamy action, which is clearly their way of getting off on it considering how shitty and unrealistic the plot ends up being. Most of the time you can tell if the author is a virginal hambeast with frog- like features because of their lack of detail when the characters start having sex, or they just get their "Facts" completely wrong overall. Of course, you will rarely ever finish reading them, because by then you will either:
The authors of FF.Net comes from all around the world, yet there are only a few variations, because the only people who prefer fanfiction over original fiction are utter fucktards.
The profile spammer
[Hey, this girl reviewed my story. Imma open up her profile]
If you seriously read all that, congratulations, your life is meaningless and you should kill yourself. DO IT, FAGGOT. (Alternately: go to this user's page and flame the shit out of her for this faggotry.)
Optional: Stories of their own, reviews that amount to more than "lol", basic typing skills.
The tuff chick
The DA migrant
This person has come to FF.Net for one purpose alone, to make fanfiction that validates their yaoi otp/fancharacter ripoff/shitty fantasy concept. Usually starts out saying “this is my first story, plz bee kind thnks” but turns into a rabid snarling bitch when you dare besmirch her mighty craft. Besmirch I say!
The creepy yaoi girl
This is the fangirl that writes nothing but stomach-churning, obsessive yaoi between two characters that have no canon backup. Be wary of this one, because they’re just so batshit they can bite your scrotal sac off through the internet, they just have yet to figure out how. Generally, the more they like a character, the more times he will get raped.
The hyper grrrrl
Once spanning horizon to horizon of myriad fandoms, this author has become endangered what with Microsoft spellcheck and brass knuckles dropping in price. Nearly all of them were 13 year old girls, the remaining 5% were sad basement dwellers with otherkin dreams.
Really doesn’t deserve a category to itself, since they are only doing it for the attention, not the lulz. Will post fanfiction with chapters hitting the triple digits, each one containing an Evanescence or Taking Back Sunday song. The easiest author category to troll, possibly all that wrist slitting means they have no backbone.
On the off chance you DO find something halfway decent on the website that was volunteered for, the writer has long since left to do something useful, leaving unfinished work in an attempt to emulate Robert Jordan. Due to the constant influx of shitty fanfics onto the site, any reasonably well-written material found will be buried under countless layers of shit.
If you find a somewhat skilled author that is still active on the site, there are a few things you can do (after promptly ensuring that you aren't dreaming or completely wasted):
- Tell them that they're wasting their talent on contributing to the cesspool that is the literary equivalent of diarrhea, and that they should try straining their fandom-addled brains into coming up with an original work.
- Encourage them to write scathing reviews of other people's badly written works. Let them discover how delightful doing it for the lulz is when they see the inevitable whiny replies and fail attempts to flame their own fics (in the form of reviews) are.
- If their manner is similar to that of a pretentious tartlet, test the waters by posting some scathing critique of your own and see how they react. Sometimes these authors think that being able to write half-decent fanfics makes them Internet-famous, and will fly into a nerd rage, providing some lulz for your trouble.
Much like DA, reviews are not allowed to include any actual criticism, or it will be counted as a flame. Naturally, this greatly retards the creative process; when people only tell an author how much they loved their Naruto/Inuyasha yaoi x-overs, they get no idea what aspects of their writing should improve. Therefore the author becomes stuck in a vicious circle, writing the same shit over and over again with their fan's hands firmly on their e-penis.
Ideally, a review is two sentences long. The first sentence should be used to offer a generic compliment, and the second should refrence a specific part of the story to prove you actually read it. Unfortunately, a significant number of reviewers still fail to provide the latter.
- "taht was soo great! *squeal* kepp up the good work!"
- "lol i lurve that couple, everyone else is just jelous!"
- "awww, so sad! u dont need 2 try sucide its not teh answer!"
- "man dat was a unexpected cliffy! how u learn to rite so good?"
- "I love cock."
Types of Reviews
There are many different kinds of reviews one can leave on FFnet, but only some are considered good reviews (the ones that hold no depth and kiss the author's ass). Regardless of this, many reviewers feel the need to share their thoughts honestly, despite the abuse they will receive off the author afterwards. Many of these review types have developed into cliques on the site, with Flamers banding together thinking they are badasses, Concritters talking amongst themselves about how they are above everyone else and are like Gods, and Anti-Flamers, who go out of their way to bring down the Flamers and are usually butthurt authors who are incredibly easy to troll.
The Con Crit
Abbreviation of 'Constructive Criticism'; can be abbreviated further to 'CC', which just proves that 'writers' on FanFiction.Net are lazy fucks. This review is the choice of the intellect...or at least someone who would like to think they have a fucking triple-digit IQ. The review will point out everything wrong with a story, keeping a civil manner as they do.
These reviewers vary from people who know what they are talking about, to people who have worse writing skills than the author they're criticising, thus looking like a dumbfuck.
Con Crit excerpt:
The general opinion of Flamers is extremely conflicted, with some hating them and dedicating their existence to eradicating them, while others love them. Most just don't care, though (until they are flamed by one themselves), but it is agreed that Flamers are the assholes of FanFiction.Net. A flame is the equivelant of going up to the author and hitting them across the face with a crowbar, before then adding tips on how to improve their story.
Many Flamers have a tendency to look as if they are RAAAAAAAGE, but mainly they spam the swearwords and insults to get the best reaction. As most shit!authors are 13-year old girls, they are extremely sensitive to harsh language, and much BAWWWWWING will ensue. For those who wish to troll FanFiction.Net but would prefer to avoid the forums, flaming is the way to go.
A flame example:
The Retard Flame
Some people view Flamers as The Shit, and wish to be like them. They will then hunt down a shit!fic and leave a badly written review that gives the impression they are a dyslexic five-year old having a tantrum. Normal Flamers hate and often abuse these reviewers, because they make the rest of them look stupid. Everyone else hates them, too, and so they remain unloved, eventually commiting suicide because they have nothing better to do.
A good review type for trolling short-tempered, gullible Flamers. Warning: Flamers tend to be trollers themselves.
The Revenge Flame
Many a butthurt author that has been reviewed negatively will go to their reviewer, find their own story, and then leave a negative review for it. These reviews tend not to have any supporting evidence for their comments, usually because they realise they can't find anything wrong with the story, but still want to flame them in revenge. Their comments are incredibly vague, always badly written, and sometimes in all Caps.
The obvious troll reviews. Lulzy to exploit, but troll reviews are usually ignored, because no one cares. Mainly consist of bad typing and attacking a decent story for no good reason and with weak or false points. Can generally be found on popular stories with lots of fans.
Copy-Paste reviews were most commonly used by 'Flame Rising' and are another form of trolling. Concritters and Flamers tend to dislike Copy-Paste reviews, because of the lack of effort involved, and because one doesn't have to look at a story to review like this.
Flame Rising's infamous review:
Most commonly written by retard fans who wants to lick the ass of their favourite author. They post positive comments, even if the author doesn't deserve them, in hope they'll be written into the story somehow. Grammar and spelling is often non-existent, and the reviews are no help whatsoever. An author with even a slight amount of intelligence will facepalm every time they receive one.
Similar to the Revenge Flame, this involves no actual reference to the story being reviewed, but instead involves a butthurt author threatening to kill/maim/destroy/hack/rape/stalk/ban/summon an army of authors against the one they are reviewing. Of course, nothing ever happens, and they have a habit of blocking the one they are reviewing first, too, to stop the author replying with a 'I don't care.'
Often made by a friend or fan of an author. They will see a review they don't like and spring to the defence of an author, reviewing so all can see instead of just PMing them, and giving an overly positive review while shouting at the other reviewing, telling them to shut the fuck up.
Invariably, fanfics will contain fancharacters, or will have the characters from the show/book/movie acting like complete dipshits.
While many writers carry an avowed hatred of FC’s, those same authors are often guilty of the same damn thing. This has created a tense environment, with many in the fan Gestapo ranks ready to fire the moment someone screams “SUUUUUE!”
Also, Fancharacters are known as "OC" (own character). I suggest you don't read this kind of story (IF YOU CAN AVOID IT!)
The forums are the real reason any EDiot should go to FF.Net. Like any forum, serious discussion of a topic is extremely rare. Instead, there is a vast amalgam of fangirl talk, 7331, and asspies. The posts rival IMDb’s forums in sheer stupidity, spelling errors, and butthurt. Technically, it’s a lot like IMDb’s forums because instead of confining topics to things, y’know, concerning writing, they allow people to post about the subject itself, leading to flame wars and bouts of E-Tantrums that last for at least 100 posts before the site admins shut them down.
Most FFN forums are RP forums, many of which are frequented by the same shitty authors running the site. Only a few half-assed, decent RPs exist. The most popular forum on the site is an RP in the Kingdom Hearts section. Another forum that should be known for its explosive growth is PTS, the coolest forum on FFN.
No moar Rule 34?
Last Thursday, the FBI discovered the single largest cache of kiddie porn in the western hemisphere. Unsurprisingly, it was FF.Net. When threatened by the FBI party van, FF.Net quickly dumped its cache of NC-17 fics and child porn into Michael Jackson’s dumpster, while decoying people with the WTC.
This caused the largest wave of pedo butthurt that has been seen in years, many sobbing greasily that they were going to contact the government about how the first amendment applies to Harry Potter twincest. They all got a ride in the party van.
This probably led to the formation of its bastard ass-baby Adult Fanfiction.net, a site proud of its pedos, and is even more time-wasting than the original.
Anonymous Joins the Action
Last Thursday, Anonymous decided to get into the fanfiction business. They assembled their team of heroes and combined forces to create an incredible piece of literature, then uploaded it to Fanfiction.net. The profile the story was uploaded with can be be viewed here. The story embodied everything that was great about Anonymous. The venture was a smash success, garnering at least 100 reviews and Over 9000 hits.
1. Begin the first chapter with a pointless disclaimer saying you don't own *insert fandom here* because you think it will actually provide any sort of protection from copyright law, when really it doesn't and makes you look stupid (as if you didn't already look stupid by writing fanfiction in the first place).
2. Pick yaoi couple.
3. Write emo suicide.
4. Write horrible sex scene.
Like all online communities, FF.net can be trolled (very easily actually). The best ways to do it include:
Copy and Paste
Copy and paste a story (preferably new) from another author and claim it to be your own. You will immediately be raped with "OMG PLAGIARISM" and "YOU HAVE NO CREATIVITY". Remind the butthurt fanfictionfags that they are in fact the ones that have no originality because they are writing about characters and settings they did not create nor do they own. Also remind them that the stories on that website are not copyright protected, so you have every right to claim the copypasta to be yours.
Write a legitimate story (no matter how painful the process may be). However, make the ending horrible (everyone gets raped, Bel-Air, etc.). For the leet haxx0rs out there that have better things to do with their time than write flowery ass rape, lulz can be achieved by cracking an obviously-abandoned account that has some well-liked story (i.e. 1000+ reviews) and revising the final chapter with a terrible ending.
Fanfiction.net provides each fandom with its own forum. Enter one forum and spam the hell out of it; claim you are from another fandom. The members of that forum will retaliate against the other one (even though they didn't do anything, LOL) by spamming it. At this point all you need to do is watch the drama and laugh.
Recently, the site added a feature called "Beta-Reading". This allows authors to read and criticize the works of other authors before they put their stuff on the site. Unfortunately for trolls, one does not simply lulz their way into this Mordor. To become one of these, a member must have been a member for at least a month, posted 5 fanfics onto the site OR written at least 9,000 words, and fill out some crappy form that designates what shit you're willing to read. Essentially, one has to establish themselves as a member of the site. To get lulz from this requires patience and probably actual writing ability in order to lure potential lolcows in so they can be milked.
Note: Casual lulz can be milked by simply wafting through the sea of applicants. In fact, a drinking game can be created; take a shot whenever you see the misspelling "grammer" in the same context as "im rly gud at spellling."
- Tara Gilesbie
- Peter Chimaera
- God Awful Fan Fiction
- Mary Sue
- Plot bunny
- Critics United
- Undesirable Number One
- Ruining the internet
- A revived version of the former TV Tropes "So Bad Its Horrible" fanfiction pages, with many FF.net abominations documented within.
- A Helpful Glossary
- Troll, if you have time.
- And this one, too.
- He's practically begging for trolling. A goddamn Lucario furfag.
- Might be a troll.
- Godawful Fanfiction
- This is also a troll
- Somebody be trollin' or has the severe Assburgers
- "Goffick" fanfiction
- He said he wanted yami to rape my son's corpse so he wouldnt "die a virgin"
- World-wide butthurt over fanfiction
- Author so unoriginal she rewrites Scrubs episodes with her character in JD's place
- Author who states she hates fangirls yet her countless Wrestling Mary Sues & slashes prove otherwise
- a typical Jonas Brothers fan fiction
- NARUTO GOES TO HOOTERS.
- An excellent, erotic piece of literature. Be sure to have plenty of Kleenex nearby.
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