Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones is a long-format pornography/snuff film which stupid people like you regard as well-written. Game of Thrones is based on A Song of Ice and Fire, a series of books written by George R.R. Martin, a neckbeard who faps on having characters fuck, kill each other, or fuck THEN kill each other. A pair of faggots named David and Dan are in charge of the televised shitshow, allowing an ironic nickname of D&D to refer to both, which can either mean Dungeons & Dragons if you're one of the retarded mongoloid sheep who actually enjoy their abortion, or Dumb and Dumber if you're one of the more intelligent individuals who realize they've turned an already overrated series into a festering pile of shit wherein each stool is looser and smells fouler than the last.
There is a metric fuckton of dull characters that are all in a generic alternate version of the Dark Ages where smug aristocrats endlessly drink wine and talk about boring Politics nobody but casuals and WoWfags care about. Then, they all have sex and/or failcest with each other and die while fighting over who gets to be gangbanged. End of rine.
In short, It's "Downton Abbey" at a Ren-faire, except they solve their disputes by murdering each other.
There are too many sub-plots in Game of Thrones. Don't worry if you can't follow all of them, they are too boring, usually lead to nowhere, and take forever to resolve. Hardcore fans think they are clever for keeping up with all. All you need to know is it takes 5 seasons for the sub-plots of the main characters to connect and when the writers had run out of ideas they just kill the character the sub-plot is about.
The series is based on the Song of Ice and Fire series of novels, which are basically The Lord of the Rings with less ambiguously gay midgets, more incest, and random lesbian quickies. In order to understand the subtle differences, compare Torchwood with Doctor Who, or Mass Effect with Star Trek. You'll notice that actual story is replaced with torture, sex, and gayness.
Sean Bean's Ghost
Like in every other movie, television show, video game, or pornography that he has appeared in, Sean Bean dies. He begins the series as the defacto main character before a plot twist demanded that he be M. Night Shyamalan'd to death, thus finally hitting his Diamond Death Jubilee and transcending into Valhalla. Sean Bean's career is essentially the show 1000 Ways to Die made flesh. This is because "The Sean Bean Effect" is so armor-piercing it even penetrates 10 layers of Plot Armor.
The show caused the word "sexposition" to be coined: when a character exposes important information about themselves while sexual activity is occurring.
An example scene may go something like this:
- Jon Snow: Blah blah blah honor of the Night's Watch...
- Background: Two dudes begin a train on this voluptuous hooker. As the surly armorer removes his helm he jams his powerful rod into the whore's fleshy cage. She moans vigorously as the bulky armorer bends lower to grant a fruity trap entrance to his hairy vortex. The sounds of ball-slapping and ecstasy echo throughout the chamber while the hefty milkmaid feeds goats beyond the window with her massive medieval tits. The man shoots his load as the wench lets out a bellowing scream before he lowers his axe onto her neck. As her head rolls along the floor, the trap finishes and pats the armorer on the back, making some reference to the uselessness of women.
- Jon Snow: I'm a bastard child...
The show features about four rape scenes. Two of them are of Drogo raping Dany. One of them is Jamie raping Cersei next to a dead Joffrey. And the most recent one is of Ramsay raping Sansa. This fact caused one cunt at The Guardian to stop watching the show entirely. A double standard is observed in the reaction to these scenes.
This show has way too many fucking characters. All of them have zero personality and get no character development except for maybe two.
Eddard "Ned" Stark: Main character of the first season. Eddard is the Lord of Winterfell, Warden of the North and head of the Stark family. He attempts to expose the fact that Joffrey "Baratheon" is a bastard born of incest. After the death of Robert Baratheon, the king, he tries to put Stannis Baratheon, Robert's younger brother, on the throne. Because of his naivete on how Westerosi politics works, up to making the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger (even after the latter had repeatedly warned Ned not to trust him), Ned is beheaded in front of his two daughters for denying that Joffrey is the rightful heir to the throne. Eddard is the very textbook definition of Lawful Good taken to stupid extremes.
Catelyn Stark: Eddard Stark's wife and Littlefinger's waifu. She hates Jon Snow, and is murdered at the Red Wedding. She is resurrected for necrophiliac fun by a priest of the Red God. Oops, gigantic spoilers. But it doesn't matter anyway because it never happened in the series.
Robb Stark: Eddard Stark's oldest son and heir to Winterfell. After his dad is killed, he loses his shit, declares the North independent, and styles himself as the King of the North. He is killed at a wedding and everyone forgets him.
Sansa Stark: Perpetual rape victim. Elder daughter of Eddard Stark. She is basically Anastasia Steele. She was betrothed to Joffrey Baratheon. Despite the abuse she received from Joffrey, she continued to stay with him even after he ordered the death of her father and even after being offered safe passage back to Winterfell twice. Only after Joffrey decides to marry some other broad (and once Sansa herself unwillingly marries Tyrion) does she realize the danger she truly is in and decides to GTFO. Just like her father, she makes the retarded mistake of trusting Littlefinger. She goes north with him to the Vale, only for Littlefinger to make out with her against her will, kill her aunt in front of her, and then give her to the Bolton-occupied Winterfell to be married to Ramsay Snow, another edgy sick fuck waste of imagination. She then escapes with Theon Greyjoy and actually gets some character development by becoming a carbon copy of her mother for the last two seasons.
Arya Stark: Younger daughter of Eddard Stark. After the death of her father, she manages to escape King's Landing through posing as a boy. She gets kidnapped by the Hound/Sandor Clegane, who wants to ransom her to her mother, but the Red Wedding happens and her mother dies. She later joins the Faceless Men, but the show doesn't bother to explain what those are. After that she kills people and cooks people and feeds people to other people. Is one of the biggest Mary Sues in the entire setting because she kills the Night King, aka the Big Bad of the entire series.
Brandon Stark: Useless cripple whose special power is taking over animals. He was crippled by Jaime Lannister throwing him out of the window when Bran climbed a tower only to see Jaime porking his own sister. His only purposes are telling Jon he's the true king (after becoming the Three-Eyed Raven) and becoming bait for the undead king. He becomes the king at the end. The writers said they'd planned this from the very beginning.
Rickon Stark: Literally who?
Jon Snow, aka Azor Ahai: He is Eddard Stark's bastard son and frequently moans about it. He decides to become more of an outcast and joins the Night's Watch, a pointless organization that guards a wall from wildlings crossing over with pointless vows of celibacy and membership for life. A shitload of filler shit later he is killed, then literally comes back from the dead. But even that doesn't do anything to develop his character.
PLOT TWIST: He's actually Aegon Targaryen, Daenerys' long lost nephew. Rhaegar Targaryen (Daenerys's big bro) annulled his marriage to Elia Martell then married Lyanna Stark (Ned Stark's sister) in a secret ceremony. Lyanna died giving birth to Aegon Targaryen. So actually he is the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. furthermore, as a Stark-Targaryen Hybrid, he literally is Azor Ahai, the prophesized Prince who was Promised, destined to kill the Night King. DISREGARD THAT, I SUCK COCKS. He never was Azor Ahai, only a total bitch who can only say "MAH KWEEN" and " I DINDU WAN DIS" until getting exiled to the Night's Watch AGAIN.
Hodor: Most memorable for only being able to say his own name. He is by far the most relatable character, since trying to remain interested in the various boring characters renders one about as coherent as Hodor himself. Once Bran is crippled, he carries him everywhere. His name isn't actually Hodor, it's Wylis. He dies while holding a door. "hold door", get it?
Joffrey Baratheon: The supposed son of Robert Baratheon who is later revealed to be a product of incest between his mother and his uncle. The writers really want you to hate him so he does insane asshole shit no real boy would do]]. As a result, a normal person (read: not a fanboy like you) can't get emotionally involved to care. He is killed at his own wedding as a result of a plot orchestrated by Littlefinger and an old woman named Olenna.
Myrcella Baratheon: Joffrey's younger sister, Tommen's older sister. She is also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. She is hot as fuck, but is actually only about 16. She's betrothed to a Dornish prince, and Jaime and Bronn go on a mission to rescue her. She gets poisoned and dies.
Tommen Baratheon: Joffrey's younger brother. He is also a result of incest between Cersei and Jaime. He becomes king after Joffrey's death. He's a massive pussy and does nothing meaningful. Jumps out a window after his wife blows up.
Tyrion Lannister: Youngest of the Lannister siblings and THE BEST CHARACTER IN GAME OF THRONES EVAR!!!!!. Slaps Joffrey like a little bitch and gets away with it. He is put on trial for poisoning Joffrey, and his father Tywin sentences him to death even though he knows Tyrion didn't do it, which prompts Tyrion to kill Tywin on the shitter. He then joins Daenerys out of butthurt. Be prepared for lame tiny penis jokes every time he's on screen.
Cersei Lannister: Boo hoo, she's evil, as over-exaggerated by her wearing black dresses all the time, and exploits her children to rule as queen. All her children are born from incest. Her excuse for being an obnoxious bitch is that she does everything to protect her family, like when she kills Tommen by nuking her city to stop a sect which rose to power due to her own fuck up. Thinks she can beat the undead army complemented by Daenerys' and Jon's forces once she's the only army left standing. Dies in a predictable way along with her incestuous brother.
Jaime Lannister: Some sister-fucking idiot whose personality is reset every season. Pushes Bran out a window to hide his incestuous endeavor. He is captured in the War of the Five Kings and has his right hand chopped off. Afterwards, he has sex with Cersei next to their dead son, for he is a necrophile and was super turned on by the sight of a dead body. Brienne thinks he's an honorable man.
Lancel Lannister: Cersei's cousin and substitute fuckbuddy while Jaime is away. He works with Cersei to kill Robert Baratheon. Joins an insane religious militant organisation and turns in Cersei for having sex with him before, for which she is stripped naked and shamed in front of the entire city. He is later blown up by Cersei.
Tywin Lannister: The Godfather. Father of Cersei, Jaime, and Tyrion, head of House Lannister, Warden of the West, and the world's richest man. He led the Lannister forces in the War of the Five Kings. Becomes Hand of the King after taking all the credit for winning a battle that was actually won by Tyrion. Exploits Joffrey and Tommen, who don't know shit about running a kingdom, to rule the Seven Kingdoms. Sentences Tyrion to death, and also sleeps with his hooker girlfriend, for which Tyrion later kills him while he's taking a shit.
Ramsay Snow: A carbon copy of Joffrey. Ramsay is incredibly sadistic and enjoys torturing people for fun. When he captures Theon Greyjoy, he tortures him as a pastime. He chops off Theon's cock and sends it to his family in a box. He later marries Sansa Stark and becomes the Lord of Winterfell after Robb Stark's death. He also rapes her, causing her to escape with the cockless Theon. Dies by getting eaten by dogs.
Theon Greyjoy: Raised by Ned Stark alongside Robb and Jon Snow. He is the son of Balon Greyjoy of the Iron Islands. In a colossal act of stupidity, he betrays the Starks and captures Winterfell... even if the Ironborn hates him for not being a true Greyjoy. Of course, colossal stupidity comes with colossal Karma: he gets captured by Ramsay Snow who tortures him to insanity and cuts his dick off.
Daenerys Targaryen: Arrogant and stupid, Daenerys has been a tyrant since the beginning, just like her brother she judges for being tyrannical. She's also the blandest character of the entire series, with her only personality traits being MUH KHAL DROGO, MUH DRAGONS, MUH REVENGE, and MUH JUSTICE. She's the rightful heir to the Iron Throne because her family was the ruling dynasty before Robert Baratheon rebelled. She goes on a boring ass quest to reclaim her title. She fails to acquire a personal army by marrying into a horsefucker tribe from Essos. Dragons hatch at the end of Season 1 from the three petrified dragon eggs she'd been given and she names herself the Mother of Dragons. She attempts to get her personal army again, this time by invading cities and arbitrarily declaring FREEDOM. Greyworm and the unsullied, cockless niggers she'd freed, join her to fuck around and fail at ending slavery. In a BAWWWish moment, her own dragon takes her to some grassy place where she's abducted by another tribe of the horsefuckers she's supposed to lead. She burns them down and returns to burn the slavers down too because muh authority. After what feels like an eternity, she finally travels to the Seven Kingdoms, assisted by Tyrion, and does the same tyrannical shit for which she's been constantly getting excused for. It takes her nuking the city Cersei had nuked before for the others to finally realize she's a shitty person. Jon kills her. You cry. For weeks. And make butthurt videos shitting on the producers for the wrong reasons.
Viserys Targaryen: Gets killed off in the first season for being a shitty person, but it takes her sister 8 seasons to get killed for being exactly the same.
Robert Baratheon: King at the beginning of the series. He is Cersei's husband and Ned Stark's best friend. He is a massive alcoholic and manwhore. He is killed by a plot orchestrated by Cersei and Lancel, who got him drunk at a boar hunt, which got him mortally wounded by a boar.
Stannis Baratheon: Robert Baratheon's younger brother and the one and only rightful king. He gets rekt in the battle of the Blackwater, where he attempts to take over King's Landing and Tyrion stops him by blowing up a ship. After that, he aimlessly travels around Westeros trying to somehow get back his throne. He also joins the religion of the Lord of Light and fucks a cultist priestess, who gives birth to a shadow assassin that kills Renly, Stannis's younger brother. He burns his own daughter alive at the stake. The Boltons defeat him when he tries to take over Winterfell, and he is killed by Brienne of Tarth.
Renly Baratheon: He is Stannis's and Robert's younger brother. Renly claims to be the rightful King of Westeros. He is also gay and his wife's brother is his fuckbuddy. He was killed by Stannis's shadow assassin in front of his own bodyguard.
Melisandre: The red priestess that fucks Stannis and other people with royal blood, such as Robert's bastard Gendry and Jon Snow. She has a demonic pussy. Commits suicide out of disappointment after finding out Jon Snow isn't Azor Ahai.
Davos Seaworth: Smuggler that is knighted by Stanis. Serves as his Hand of the King. Davos is taught how to read by Stannis's daughter. He is probably the most irrelevant out of all the irrelevant characters that pretend to be important.
Varys: A fat bald eunuch. He has the biggest spy network in the world. He helps Tyrion get out of jail before his execution, then they escape to Essos.
The Night King:
The Ultimate Evil of the entire series. He was created by the children of the Forest to exterminate all of Mankind, only to go Terminator and rebel against his creators. Only Jon Snow, Azor Ahai Himself, can defeat this eldritch abomination in an Epic Battle for the fate of the world. DISREGARD THAT, |I SUCK COCKS. He gets shanked by Arya like a little bitch.
Houses of Westeros
Westeros's whole society is based on Houses, of which it has about a million-and-one. They're all convinced their family is the hottest shit that ever lived and each have their own sigils and words which they plaster on every thing and person they own. Most have existed for like 10,000 years since the beginning of time, though somehow most seem to consist of a single nuclear family and maybe a cousin or two, honestly, it's a bit weird. The fact that like 100 legendary families which have existed since the beginning of the universe are now either extinct or poised to be so, and nobody seems to find it abnormal, is something you'll have to ignore.
The following is a short list of houses people bother to remember:
House Stark - Winter is Coming: The former ruling family of the North, who always compare themselves to wolves. The former head, Eddard, went down to the capital to help out his homeboy Robert Baratheon, but he got pwnt by the Lannisters. His son Robb raised the Northern army to avenge him, but along the way he shagged this one spic whore and that got his whole army killed at a wedding. Now the only true Starks left are children, which include an SJW sob story, a cripple, an aspiring serial killer, and some faggot named Rick.
House Lannister -
Hear Me Roar A Lannister Always Pays His Debts: Basically the Rothschilds. The ruling family of the Westerlands and de facto all of Westeros; these Selfish cunts hoard up ca$h money and use it to buy their way out of problems. Tywin Lannister, the Godfather of the family, kept things running smooth for House Lannister until he got nosc0ped by his dwarf son while taking a shit. Now it's left to a cripple and a USI bitch to run the family name into the ground.
House Baratheon - Ours is the Fury: The ruling family of the Stormlands. House Baratheon consists of three brothers who don't really get along with each other. Robert Baratheon, the eldest, was a bad-ass, El Che Guevara style revolutionary who brought down monarchies with his war hammer in one hand and his dick in the other. However, after he became King, he turned into a fat bitch who let himself get fucked by the Lannisters. He got killed by some farm animal, leaving his brothers Stannis, a religious fanatic, and Renly, a faggot, to squabble while the Lannisters fuck them both.
House Tyrell - Growing Strong: The ruling family of the Reach. House Tyrell is arguably the most powerful house in Westeros. Their future is questionable since their only heir is a faggot, but no one really gives a shit about the Tyrells because Papa Tyrell is a beta retard. House Tyrell currently has no living members.
House Tully - Family, Duty, Honor: The former ruling family of the Riverlands. Being at the entre of the continent, they get buttfucked by the other Houses all the time. The only members worth mentioning are Catelyn, who married Ned, Lysa, who married Jon Arryn of the Vale, and their brother Edmure, who is a retard who can't properly shoot a bow and who fucked up Robb Stark's grand strategy. House Tully is overthrown by House Frey and Edmure is captured at his own wedding, the Red Wedding. Only one member remains free, Brynden.
House Martell - Unbent, Unbowed, Unbroken: The ruling family of Dorne. Doran Martell is the head of the house and is trying his ass off to avoid war with the Lannisters, which is ruined by his brother Oberyn's lover when she poisons Myrcella. Sand is by far the most common surname in Dorne, since every other fucking person there is a bastard.
House Greyjoy - We do not Sow: The ruling family of the Iron Islands. They're basically Vikings. Many times, they have tried to become independent, somehow conquering massive swaths of land on Westeros, only to be beaten back and confined on their islands just as quickly as they rose up. The lord is Balon Greyjoy, who hates his only heir, Theon. Theon himself is probably the unluckiest person in the Seven Kingdoms. They also believe in the religion of the Drowned God.
House Arryn - As High as Honor: The ruling family of the Vale. House Arryn is the most irrelevant house of all. Jon Arryn is assassinated after finding out the truth of Joffrey's parentage. Lysa Arryn is a deranged lunatic addicted to Littlefinger's cock, who kills her and takes over the Vale. (Lysa Arryn has a striking resemblance to Gabrielle Chana, a non-fictional person, in both appearance and behavior). Robin Arryn, Lysa's retard son, is the most annoying little shit in all of Game of Thrones. He still sucks on his mother's tit as a ten year old. The Vale is full of barbarian tribes.
House Targaryen - Fire and Blood: The former royal dynasty of Westeros. House Targaryen is a House of Mary Sues, blonde purple-eyed beautiful people who have come from the ancient technologically-advanced superpower of Valyria, which collapsed due to their colossal hubris. House Targaryen unified Westeros through use of their pet dragons but once they died out, they were kicked out during Robert's Rebellion. Rhaegar fucked Ned's sister and got killed by Robert Baratheon. His father, the Mad King, got killed by his own bodyguard, Jaime Lannister. Viserys Targaryen, Rhaegar's brother, got killed by Khal Drogo. The only remaining members are Jon Snow, who is unaware of the fact that he is a half-Targaryen, and Daenerys, who is a terrible ruler, so house Targaryen is pretty much dead. Brother-sister incest is literally their most ancient and important tradition. Because their peroxide-blonde hair is a recessive gene, they see incest as a necessary measure to retain their superior Aryan genes.
House Bolton - Our Blades are Sharp: Literally the edgiest house to ever live; they're so edgy it's their fucking house words. They live in a giant torture-house called the Dreadfort and enjoy such activities as torture, Guro, hunting women, and rape. They've existed almost as long as the Starks and used to be kings who spent thousands of years in a pissing contest with the Starks over who could kick each others ass more. Each compete with one another to out-edge the last generation, including but not limited to making coats out of their enemies, making giant tents out of people-skin, and pulling out entrails. They practice Eugenics to make sure every Bolton is a psycho nutcase; the only decent ones get offed pretty quick. The house was led by Roose Bolton, who ruled the North after murdering his king at a wedding in a Bolton attempt to get the edge over his ancestors. Ramsay Bolton later killed Roose. House Bolton was later annihilated in the Battle of the Bastards by Jon Snow and men that fought with him against the Boltons.
House Frey - We Stand Together: The new ruling family of the Riverlands. Walder Frey is a treacherous cunt who has about ∞ daughters. Everybody in their realm hates them. They own an important river crossing in the Riverlands and anybody who wants to cross it has to pay them. House Frey is constantly pissed over how little people respect them for being literally nobodies and so constantly do shit that makes people respect them even less. They suffered from a bit of an Open Season wherein everybody in Westeros competes to kill the most Freys while they bitch and moan and their allies shrug and snicker at them. Arya Stark baked Walder Frey's sons into pies, fed it to him, killed him, stole his face, then impersonated him in order to fatally poison all the Freys.
House Clegane - [house words unknown:] A minor family in the Westerlands loyal to House Lannister. Gregor Clegane the Mountain, and his brother Sandor the Hound are the only two known members of the house. Both are huge men and renowned warriors, and they hate each other. Gregor is renowned for being a ruthless murderer, rapist, and idiot. He is killed by Oberyn Martell and then Frankensteined back to life by a mad scientist. Sandor is renowned for being the King's bodyguard, before deciding it was a shitty job (and rightfully so) and going rogue. He is killed by a lesbian warrior as tall as him. GoT fanboys jizz out of all their orifices at the prospect of a "Cleganebowl", or in other words a fight between Gregor and Sandor Clegane. There is absolutely no evidence to support this claim. The GoT fanboys seem to ignore these facts and are hyped as fuck for no reason.
- Lord of The Rings
- Dungeons and Dragons
- White Knight
- TheMarySue - hilarious, one-sided drama
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