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Forget everything you know about stormy break-ups. And forget the power of healing, reconciliation and humanity. Every lesbian relationship can lead to a future where there only is war.


The Break-Up

The Lesbian Break-Up is a highly ritualized form of warfare which at first appears to be between two lesbian former girlfriends, but which in fact involves all of each woman's family, friends, acquaintances, former girlfriends, co-workers, pets, neighbors, classmates, and congressional representatives. Frequently, it also includes a large number of passersby, wandering squirrels, and foreigners, none of whom have met either of the parties involved.

The general atmosphere of a lesbian break-up is similar to that of trench warfare, bearing in mind of course that the Geneva convention does not apply, while the casualties are more in line with global thermonuclear war.

Theoretical Background

When the Lesbian Two Degrees of Separation are accounted for, it rapidly becomes apparent that each lesbian break-up eventually involves every living thing on earth. Religious scholars have attempted to extend this by formulating what's called the lesbian theodicy, which states that "evil exists in the world because lesbians have free will to break up", but an analysis of this theory is beyond the scope of this article.


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