Manti Te'o, aka The Lyin' Hawaiian, is a totally straight Mormon college football hero who definitely was not banging a Christian guy named , because that would be gay, and this guy is totally super straight.
Lennay Kekua was a hoax perpetrated by the much-less-to-lose Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, and not just an alias that Heisman Trophy nominee and NFL hopeful Te'o used for Tuiasosopo so that his super religious family wouldn't know that he was in a gay relationship. That most certainly is not how we're going to remember it.
The Hawaiian Dicking That Never Was
Before it was even known that Te'o was dating
someone that didn't exist a guy, he was famous for playing football at the University of Notre Dame. Due to sheer luck, biased referees, and playing only the shittiest teams in the entire country, Notre Dame managed to go undefeated in the 2012 college football season. Of course, when they actually got to the national championship game, they choked harder than Amanda Todd on a bleach-flavored cock in one of the humiliating losses in the entire history of the sport to fucking Alabama.
The entire time, Te'o was being considered for the Heisman Trophy, the biggest dick-stroking in all of college football, due to the fact that he claimed that he lost his grandmother and e-girlfriend all on the same day, chalking up his entire candidacy for the Heisman to a sympathy vote. Of course, he still lost to a freshman named Johnny Football, so it turned out to all be for nothing.
It wasn't until January of 2013 that a Deadspin alleged that the story about Manti's girlfriend was not only a hoax, but Kekua never existed in the first place. The entire sports media shat a collective brick heard round the world, prompting Notre Dame to go into full damage control mode and have their athletic director cry on camera, as can be seen here.
Pretty pathetic, right? It only got worse from there.
A Tale of Two Sea Niggers
The Great Hawaiian Shit Typhoon began stirring less than twelve hours later. Immediately, everyone from ESPN to Fox News pointed out the obvious: The story Te'o fed and Notre Dame endorsed to cover their own asses was so patently retarded and was such obvious bullshit that only the most gullible retard on the planet could have believed it. At first, Te'o claimed to have fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book, pretending to be someone else on a dating website, something only Chris-chan falls for on a regular basis. Less than 24 hours later, the story changed: It wasn't just any troll, it was one of Te'o's best friends.
The more this closeted sea nigger opened his mouth, the more bullshit kept spewing out. Every alteration to the story that he or one of his spokespeople (read: his parents) made was contradicted by something said earlier in a previous interview made on live television. Realizing they couldn't bullshit the very people who made Te'o famous in the first place, they instead opted for the 'everyone please feel sorry for me' tactic, while refusing to let Manti have his own interview.
First, Manti claimed that 'Lennay Kekua' was nothing more than your garden variety troll. We at ED would be the first to admit that anyone who can pull this off for at least three fucking years without as much as a hint of suspicion is probably one of the most dedicated and masterful trolls we've ever seen, especially considering the publicity it generated and how thoroughly it ruined Te'o's image. Of course, that's not the case, so the point is moot.
Second, Manti claimed it was one of his 'best friends' or one of his 'cousins' or some shit (it switched back and forth day-to-day). He immediately claimed the culprit was one Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, a friend of Manti's, despite the above video claiming it was just a couple of garden-variety trolls.
Then came January 25th:
Apparently, Tuiasosopo has a more feminine voice than most actual post-op transsexuals. After realizing he admitted to spending eight hours at a time fapping to a man's voice over the phone on national television, an actual woman came forward (probably at Manti's insistence on closing the closet door as fast as he possibly can) claiming to be the voice on the recorded phone voicemails.
The Eruption of Bullshit Mountain
- Te'o claimed that Lennay Kekua was just your typical troll. If it is, they should be entered into the trolling hall of fame for having the dedication to stick to this for three to four years and having Manti be none the wiser for the entire time, only to garner this kind of publicity.
- After Kekua's 'car crash,' Te'o was actually less than two hours away from the hospital where she supposedly was. If he believed this was true, what better way to meet someone for the first time than after they nearly died? He didn't. And the reason was because he didn't think daddy would let him.
- Both Te'o and Te'o's father have said on television that they met Kekua in person, and later recanted.
- Te'o has a reputation at Notre Dame for being a pathological liar and attention whore, even among other players on the Notre Dame handegg team. He could have also taken his pick of pretty much any girl on the campus, but instead wanted to be with some bitch he's never met and has only spoken to over the phone. Remember, he's not gay!
- Look at him, that's a faggot if we've ever seen one.
So, There Was a Girl, Right?
Actually, yes. There was a girl. Of course, she knew absolutely nothing about football or Manti's existence in the world. The pictures Manti saw were in fact pictures of Diane O'Meara, a former classmate of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, who while being much prettier and female, was marked as a potential for his lulz. She was the homecoming queen of their respective high school, and she was also considered one of the most beautiful girls in their area.
Although, the greatest irony in the entire story is that Diane works as an online marketing coordinator for the STN Media group, and she didn't even know her pictures were being used to troll Te'o. In fact, Ronaiah was stealing her pictures for the 2 years that Te'o was in the relationship with "Lennay". As Diane would recall, Ronnie the faggot would beg for pictures everyday to give to his cousin who was facing brain surgery.
Te'o and His Future
It is projected that Manti will not be affected in any way by this scandal. In fact, he's projected to be a top star in the NFL team, that is desperate enough to pay out millions in jewgolds for a guy who can't even admit that he was trolled by a gay man. Which, if anyone ever watches a game of handegg, you can see that little Manti and his gay ways are right at home... Because nobody in the NFL is gay. Especially an NFL player from Hawaii.
So, as usual. Any scandal that Manti has will be swept under the rug, by his handegg team of choice. And he'll be a well adjusted and repressed homosexual who will get into the common handegg player activities. Just like Ron Mexico and others of his upstanding reputation as good citizens of Dumbfuckistan.
The Gallery of Retards
- Not Gay
- Imaginary Girlfriend
- Penn State Scandal
- Hawaiian Dicking
- Cool Story Bro
- - Manti Te’o’s Dead Girlfriend, The Most Heartbreaking And Inspirational Story Of The College Football Season, Is A Hoax.
- United Press International Article - Manti Te'o hoax: 'Teoing' mocks Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.
- LA Times Article - Woman used as "fake girlfriend" shuts down all of her social media pages.
- - Collected 'Teoing' images.
- - His Facebook
- - His Heisman Trophy Support group, inactive
- NORPs - His "official" fan club, already trolled by the
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