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The Idol Represenatitve of Metrosexuality.
The metrosexual at play.

A metrosexual is a heterosexual man who thinks women are the shit, and thus has to do womanly things like carry a purse and have his nails done. Metrosexuals are unafraid to flaunt their feminine side, are typically rich and beautiful, and are usually homosexuals in disguise (in such cases, known as homopolitans). Metrosexuals are typically pushed around by their girlfriends, because to them they are the man. The evidence is pro soccer player Beckham -every metrosexual's ultimate perverted fantasy - who is clearly and without any doubt being pushed around, bitch-slapped and pussy-whipped by the so called "Posh Spice". Womanly Spice is too strong for metrosexuals, apparently.


Origins of Metro Sexuality

Metrosexuals have become prominent in popular culture due to the invasion of Crab People. Crab people intend to take over mankind and planet earth, however they are too small and weak to take over man by force. So they decided to turn men into bitches to weaken them, and eventually take over the world.

Dealing With the Metrosexual Agenda

According to Mark Simpson of, "like male vanity products and herpes, they're pretty much everywhere." Here are steps to protect yourself from this unique and scary metrosexual threat.

  • Stay away from San Francisco. If they aren't homosexual there, then they either work for LiveJournal or are metrosexual. In the rare case of Brad Fitzpatrick, he both works for LJ and is metrosexual, and should be avoided at all costs. (For UK, see Manchester, Brighton, Leeds and most of London. For Australia see Melbourne, Gold Coast and Brisbane).
  • Try to stay away from physical sports venues, especially the showers. Most sports enthusiasts have been brainwashed with aggressive metrosexuality (possibly due to being dumbasses and injecting female hormones by mistake in a misguided attempt to gain more muscles) especially ones that play soccer. For some reason, metrosexuals often go to gyms as well as doing manual labour jobs and playing sports, rather than engaging in healthy leisure pursuits.
  • Avoid hair care products. A non-metrosexual knows to shower 3 times a week and use a comb, while a metrosexual, who showers 3 times a day, is known for copious usage of hair gel.
  • If mediacrat offers you a modeling gig, decline it.
  • Stay away from people with a fashion concious mind, who wear female orientated clothing(Italy) designed for men to wear such as denim flares (non-60's style). Never move to any town that contains an H&M.

Should contact occur with a metrosexual, the quickest way to get them out of your life is to hit on them. Despite looking, talking, dressing and being super like your average homosexual, metrosexuals will take great exception to the suggestion that they are in fact not metrosexual, but actually just a mile into the closet.

Extremes of Metrosexuality

The Fancy Mullet - Common hairstyle for Peri-metrosexuals.

Peri-Metrosexuality - If God wants you to eliminate any race, it would be this. Peri-metrosexuality refers to people that derive from the perimeters of metropolitan areas mostly rural areas(i.e. country bumpkin areas) that have been influenced by media into expressing themselves as metrosexuals without living within the areas of the true metro culture.

Common traits of a Peri-metrosexual include fancy mullets, denim flares, cowboy country footwear, pink flannel shirts and t-top model Carmaros. Said Camaronans are usually blaring White Snake and sporting a sleeveless t-shirt. Peri-metrosexuals are considered the worst form of metrosexuality because they have really fucked up fashion sense, they are easily influenced towards homo/metro media through programs such as queer eye for the straight guy and Brokeback mountain (gay cowboys) and the fact they cannot even blame their metrohood on peer pressure or anything like that. Currently they are a rare sight due to rednecks finally doing something useful for a change, but they are starting to grow in numbers in their bumpkin regional areas where the pick-up truck has yet to be invented.

Metrosexual can also refer to individuals who have a sexual desire for subterranean public transportation. Much like those with a genital amputation fetish, most of these particular metrosexuals are only able to indulge their lust once in their lifetime.

Famous Metrosexuals

  • David Beckham
  • Isaiah Garnica
  • Mike Greenberg
  • Every male on Trading Spaces

See also


Metrosexual is part of a series on

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