Michael Phelps

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Chimps do it. Gorillas do it. Michael Phelps does it too. The exuberant dance of victory -- arms thrust toward the sky and chests puffed out at a defeated opponent -- turns out to be an instinctive trait of all primates, humans included, according to research released last Thursday.


Michael Fred Phelps (srsly) is an unhuman beast and LOLympian. He is able able to consume well over 9,000 calories daily because he trains so fucking much and is known to swim for food. There are rumors circulating that phelps is actually part zora, but you would like that wouldn't you? Damn furries. After a failed attempt to become a gay porn star, and working the streets since he was 10, Phelps was picked up by a John who also happened to be a swim coach. On August 16th, 2008 he had <15 minutes of fame on /b/ when he won a record 8 gold plated pieces of lead in the 2008 Olympics, although all he really wanted his bitch to hurry up with his god damned sammich.

Before his last race (a race - the 400 meters relay- that would give him moar Chinese Golds in an Olympics than previous record holder Mark Spitz) even happened and was televised, Americunt /b/tard newfags that don't know the unspoken, given rule that /b/ does not talk about sports began creaming their collective jeans about America's great white hope.

Posts were posted and taunts were taunted, unfortunately, most Eurofags were in bed at 4am GMT so most of the raging fell on deaf ears. Those Eurofags who were still awake, reminded the Amerifags that they FAIL at pretty much everything else, from soccer (where Team USA was beaten by Nigeria) to war to the national debt. The Americunts then reminded the Eurofags that they were, well, Eurofags, and everyone went home unhappy, and they need to stop watch the retarded sport of soccgayer because noone really gives a flying fuck about it, they just pretend to make their soccer players not feel like such fucktarded women whores.

After Phelps pwnt The Water Cube, China announced that since all America's dollars are belong to them, Michael Phelps is now a Chinese national and the 8 gold medals were added to the Chinese medal count.


   
 
Michael Phelps is a pretty cool guy. Eh pwns all my records and doesnt afraid of anything.
 

 
 

Mark Spitz, previous record holder for most Jew golds in a single Olympics.

Trivia & Controversy

  • As a child, Phelps suffered from ADD and nigger envy. As a result, he listens to Young Jeezy and Eminem on iPod to get pumped up before races. Lost on him is the irony that niggers can't swim. But they can make lame Phelps Phan YouTubes about him.
  • Has been rumored to be dating fellow Olympian swimmer Amanda Beard. However, when asked if she and Phelps were an item, Beard replied:


   
 
DO NOT WANT!
 

 
 

—Amanda Beard on dating Michael Phelps.

  • Michael Phelps was caught doping, but instead of roids, it was FUCKING POT! (See below)

Clearly, these fucktards have nothing better to do.

The remarkable finish

Doping Scandal

"No, man, it's the other kind of doping..."

Phelps was reported on January 31, 2009 through the shitty celebrity magazine "News of the World" to have been caught on camera smoking weed, which could put future participation in sporting events in jeopardy. Regardless of the possibility of getting IRL b& from the 'Lympics (because pot is a performance enhancing drug, right), it is clear that Phelps very much enjoyed doping... literally. If there wasn't a reason to sue somebody before, Phelps has a reason. Sadly, Phelps was suspended from swimming, and dropped by his sponsor. More importantly, the picture clearly shows Phelps lurking /b/.

Spammed on /b/

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"You got Phelpsed"

Phelps' complete decimation of the competition was so great that the worn-out Internet slang "pwn" didn't do it justice. His victory demanded the creation of a whole new verb, "Phelpsed."

To Be Phelpsed -
The act of being totally and utterly destroyed by your opponent. Although the loser may be absolutely "owned", ownage just doesn't do it justice. In Phelps' case, he "owned" world class athletes while at times making it look silly. You see being "owned" could mean that you fought a good fight- better luck next time. But to be Phelpsed is on a whole different level. In this instance, the loser was horribly defeated to the point that there was no purpose for his or her participation in the event. If you are Phelpsed by someone the course of action should be:

  • Move and change your name
  • Never show your face in that activity again, or
  • Just end it all.

The Facebook group that started it all.

Shit was SO splash

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Hey Frenchfags

My name is Michael, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are slow, mediocre swimmers who spend every second of their day watching me kick your asses. You are everything bad in the Olympics. Honestly, have any of you ever set a world record? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because you got the silver, but you all take it to a whole new level. This is even worse than mouthing off to the media before the games.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best stroke. I'm pretty much perfect. I was the first man to win 8 gold medals, and anchor of my relay team. What sports do you play, other than "sip coffee and discuss the philosophy of Sartre"? I also get straight Gold Medals, and I broke the world record 7 times. (I just blew you faggots out of the water; Shit was SO splash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and one of my medals

Gallery of Phelps

Phelps Gallery About missing Pics
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Phelps Phandom

Typical Phelps Phans
All we need is another version of Crank That
Wow, the pelvis moving and the shitty techno music makes this totally not gay
Just in case you needed a new place to derp.

See Also

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