Appearing in a sick fantasy near you, Muppets are creepy little monsters that can resemble anything. Anything. Actually, the word Muppet is a combination of puppet and marionette, since they are performed as puppets, in that the performer shoves his or her hand up their ass, and marionettes since said performer uses rods (which even kids can see) on the puppet's hands for movement. Sadly, though, none of them have strings attached to them, making the Muppet pretty much a puppet spoken by a retard. Muppets were bequeathed from the bowels of Jim Henson, a fat guy with a beard who desperately tried to cling to his childhood. When he died, his son, Brian Henson, took over and essentially ruined what little the Muppets had going for them. MOAR Muppet sex, amirite?
Cast & Characters
Most of the Muppet characters are completely flat and one dimensional. They only have one or two main interests, experience no growth or charm a character should have, and are pretty much predictable and sad.
- Kermit: What do you get when you take a frog with holocaust-like limbs and a New Guinea-like belly and give him a mouth like a nigra? Kermit is the quintessential no-personality. He's pretty much a wall other characters bounce off of. Kind of like Winnie the Pooh only more flat and not as retarded.
- Miss Piggy: Basically wants Kermit badly. She's literally a fat pig, but gets very pissy when someone calls her fat. Also is loved by beauty-pageant watching 40 year old men everywhere.
- Gonzo: Has a penis-shaped nose. He's also the hero of most fetish enthusiasts, as he is currently dating a chicken. No, not a talking puppet chicken like the rest of them, a bonafide buck-bagock chicken. Bestiality, amirite?
- Dr. Teeth: Basically some random fuckwit and a by-product of the 1960's. Still has acid flashbacks.
- Animal: Is a creepy, hairy creature with broken chain cufflinks. Why he has those accessories or how Jim Henson created him is a mystery. Frankly, it should remain that way.
- Doctor Bunsen Honeydew: A famous scientist who blew his eyes off in an experiment and wears glasses in an attempt to fool the common viewer.
- Beaker: Beaker was once a well-known scientist on the same level as Honeydew. However, Honeydew wanted all the fame to himself, so he slipped heavy doses of turpentine into his then-friend's coffee, effectively destroying his brain. Now the former genius is Bunsen's chief lab rat, getting blown up on a regular basis. One can only wonder what Beaker wants us to know every time he speaks.
- Statler and Waldorf: Two oldfags who spend their time trolling the living fuck out of all the other Muppets. They are usually seen in a balcony, where they conduct said trolling from.
- Rolf: Has a navel fetish. Also plays the piano. The two things are totally related.
- Swedish Chef: Bork bork bork. The lulzy thing about the Swedish Chef, is that the writers of the Muppet Show were trolling the kids watching it IRL for fucking years, since the word "bork" is actually used in the Netherlands to describe the sound of fucking.
Films / TV Shows / Other Shit
The Muppets' creators have actually produced a variety of films and shows so slapstick and so gag-ridden even a four year old would lose interest and rather play with math flashcards or something. Typically the movies are advertised for family audiences, but these audiences would only apply to mormons and old people, but even most old people realize these films are so milquetoast that they must occasionally envision themselves either raping someone or being raped in order to maintain sanity.
- The Muppet Movie: Anytime a movie starts out with a fucking puppet singing Rainbow Connection, you know it's a winrar. In this movie, we meet Kermit, a banjo playing frog who is trying to run away from a big businessman who thinks he will become a billionaire by making frog legs from Kermit. Of course, the businessman fails to realize that Kermit has only one pair of fucking legs. Kermit meets up with black person who black person his uncle's Studebaker as Kermit decides to travel to Hollywood to make it big (no one knows why he decides to do this. The plot just changes for no reason). Hilarity ensues as the two meet the rest of the Muppet gang, paint their car, go on an acid trip, and finally make it to Hollywood. They see Jim Henson, who looks like a fat guy moar concerned with raping your child, and he agrees to hire them on.
- The Muppet Caper: In this film, black person, Kermit, and Gonzo are all newspaper writers for some Americunt city. But, their boss gets wind of a robbery in London, so he does what any sensible entrepreneur would do and sends his boys over to London to become detectives. Because sending fucking newspaper writing puppets over to investigate a crime makes a whole lot of fucking sense. When they get there, Miss Piggy once again falls in love with Kermit, but she's immediately accused of stealing jewels and the baseball diamond from some whore. So, in short, 80% of the movie is spent trying to find the diamonds and clear Miss Piggy's name. It's just as exciting as an episode of Poirot.
- The Dark Crystal: If you are searching for a movie in which you'll never understand the plot, you've come to the right film. This movie features amazing special effects, like sickly puppets talking and A kid who can talk to said sickly puppets. Most of the movie is spent trying to glue two crystals together so all will be well with the world again. This box office flop will leave both adults and children ralphing at the horrid storyline and the fact that the fucking picture is so dark no one can see the fugly puppets. Also, the movie is actually deeply rooted in the occult, further proving that Jim Henson is indeed a warlock. Fun for the whole family, amirite?
- Labyrinth: An otaku chick has David Bowie in tight pants kidnap her little brother, just so she can stare at his crotch and be pyschalogically tormented him in a maze with some Muppets. If you know of this movie and/or give a shit about it you're either an 80s kid and/or shop at Hot Topic.
- The Muppets' Christmas Carrol: Since the release of this movie, there has been seismic activity reported near Charles Dicken's grave. That's because his body is rotating inside his casket at 3.2 revs/second. SPOILER ALERT: Kermit's son Tiny Tim does not die, and Caine is visited by three spirits, one being a child, another a child molester. Pretty much the only thing worth watching in this film is Michael Caine and how he manages to retain his sanity throughout the entire picture despite talking only to puppets. He also screams, cries, and sings. Worth a watch - just fast forward through the ever-creative ideas. Still remains to this day to be the best T.V. Movie rendition of the book.
- Muppet Babies: Originally from a dream sequence in The Muppets Take Manhattan, a movie chock full of fail and starring the likes of Danny DeVito, the creative juices flowed through Henson & Co. as they decided to turn the sequence into a TV series. Except they're not really Muppets here - they're drawn and they're babies. A typical episode involves the Muppets gang getting confused about something, then using clips stolen from other films to figure something out. Please note that many Muppet Baby fans are similar to babyfurs and are extremely butthurt when the show is critiqued.
- The Muppet Show: Just not worth watching. A typical show involves one human guest star (the bait) and explores how well he or she jumps through the hoops the Muppets place. It's pretty much a bad rendition of SNL on acid, except it's not really acid and more of a hangover. Was made in England, because no one in the United States wanted to make this and Henson and his crew had been run off the actual SNL.
- Muppets Tonight: Pretty much just like The Muppet Show from at least ten years ago, except the host is a red haired nigra puppet (srsly, it even has dreds!). Most of the episodes are one big can of shit and, again, are still worse than SNL ten years later, which is a hard thing to do.
- The Muppets' Wizard of Oz Disney bought the Muppets from Brian Henson before producing this film. Their thought was as follows: why not take a classic film and completely destroy it? This movie is something everyone can relate to, though. Dorothy is now a nigra living in a trailer park in Kansas with dreams of a signing career. She has a pet prawn, which makes a lot of sense because Kansas is completely surrounded by water, and once the tornado hits it can talk, which makes even moar sense. She then runs into a frog scarecrow (because frogs scare away birds?), a tin piece of shit, and a lion / bear hybrid. From there it's pretty much like the old version only shittier. The nigra is actually a singer named Ashanti. Never heard of her? That's because this movie exposed to the viewing world that she didn't have any talent - she can't sing, act, or even smile properly. As for the movie's reception - even kids don't like it.
As stated earlier, Brian Henson is Jim Henson's son. When Jim died, Brian took the company over and started making basic films about Gonzo being Charles Dickens and the like. But then the gay genius had a stroke of inspiration - why not take all of his sick fantasies and turn it into a Muppet porno show? In it, black person changes his name to Fozzie Bare, Gonzo changes his name to Groper, and Kermit sings memorable tunes such as It's not Easy Being Blue. But before it could reach an audience, Walt Disney bought the rights to almost every single Muppet (except for those on Sesame Street) after Brian had another stroke of genius. The show, called Puppet-Up! features characters no one cares about talking about the joys of buttfucking, watching people masterbate, and various other sick fuckery. It should be understood that anyone who pops a boner while watching Puppet Up would be classified as a sick fuck as well. Congratulations.
—Brian Henson on being a puppet fucker.
It's a shame none of these worked out, amirite? People might actually watch the Muppets then.