Parasite Eve

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Parasite Eve is a video game made by Square Enix; the very same fags who made the whole of the Final Fantasy series. Made in 1998, the game is "M" rated for its gore, which means it'll make not only your kid - but Orrin Hatch - wet the bed in terror. However, most /b/tards will happily commence choking their chickens every time someone explodes in a shower of blood and internal organs.

Yes, that's right.


You see, the main premise of Parasite Eve is that these little cellsnot-cells(LERN2SCIENCE) in people's bodies called mitochondria are OMG SUPER SMART and able to pwn people by exploding them into goo. Never mind that this goes against every single scientific journal ever published on the subject. This series, based on a novel about some guy and his dead wife that has a cult following in Japan - for reasons we will never even try to comprehend - could be moar aptly titled "Rip-Off Of The Andromeda Strain." Then again, we all know Japs are famous for copying American pop culture.

Sir, step away from the donuts.

The main protagonist of the series, Aya Brea, is sort of like Amputee-chan : being that she's half Jap; has blonde hair/green eyes; is no doubt the object of many pooper fantasies and risque fan art - to that end, she works the mean streets of New York stripping for bachelor parties. Unlike the latter, however, she can satisfy foot fetishes and perhaps most importantly doesn't afraid of racist WW2 vets with kanes. Take extra care to not fuck with her when she's on her period, or you just may find yourself enduring faildeath worse than seppuku - 20 cockslap holes from a .45, coupled with the licking of shattered organs through your wounds.

She'll cauterize the bullet holes with her tongue afterwards, on account of her ability to manipulate the powers of fire. Hawt, no? Yes. It is.

Anyway, since we're getting ahead of ourselves . . . Each game of the Parasite Eve series:

Parasite Eve 1

The game opens on the beginning of what (hopefully) is your fun-filled night of screechy opera music, cheap wine and getting your cunt eaten bone dry by a man you've only known for 12 hours. Little do you know, that is all about to go swirling down the crapper as Carnegie Hall's answer to Florence Jenkins squeals loud enough to explode the audience's eardrums; does her imitation of a deep frying cat; mutates into a kabuki theater reject; then announces to the world her plans to permanently close the gene pool with fail and cancer - in text. Yes, that's right. A game that tries to capture the atmosphere of New York, right down to that urine smell near the dilapidated cardboard box, skips over something as elementary as VOICE, thus indirectly confirming the rumor that the developers' tracheas were all deformed via incessant deep throat - since we know they weren't too cheap to hire voice actors.

From then on, you have to run around New York - from the same place where that Ben Stiller museum movie where everything comes alive was shot, to a hospital where . . . what? . . . not one doctor or nurse is in sight. Huh? Not even in the emergency room? On Christmas Eve, one of the worst nights of the year for traffic accidents? Sweet baby Jesus, MAY YOUR ENTIRE COMPLEMENT OF STAFF DIE IN A FIREKLJSDLF*-*.*--

(Attack: Revoke Medical License, Target: All)

And what game with hot chicks in the Big Apple would be complete without getting gang raped and beaten half to death in Central Park, then sliding into unconsciousness only to be woken up by a ten headed, three breasted, sextuple turd-spewing dong nippled abomination that would be better off put to use as an extra in the next "Hellraiser" movie soaking your face in piss and green cum?

PROTIP: Make sure to destroy it with extreme prejudice. Extra win if it dies when you put a lighter to your cunt and queef propane at it.

The horrible art you get when you cross Parasite Eve with a bloodbath.

The game is capped off with a thalidomide baby shoving an aircraft carrier down its cake hole, causing a massive explosion in which everything within a 10 mile radius is pwned mercilessly.

Job well done, right?

. . . Right?

No! . . .

There's moar! . . .

'Cause Square is full of sadists!

. . .

. .


Just when you thought you've beaten the game, the developers play a sick joke on you for the lulz: you've only beaten the n00b version!

Now, its "EX" mode tiem, which stands for "surprise buttsEX" or "EXTREMELY SUPER OMGWTFBBQSONOFABITCH()@*%&@*)&% HARD." Its main difference from normal mode is the 77 level high rise in there - the Chrysler Building. Normally, this is one of Jew York City's finest skyscrapers. This building, which in Parasite Eve is a cesspool of retardation and faggotry just begging to be T-boned by a 747, can only be ascended by turning in your badge and gun; becoming a janitor; mopping up a mixed trail of blood, slime and raep juices leading all the way to your dead sister. Sadly, she an heroes before you can kill her to get revenge for being put through this whole crock of crap. Or should that be "an villains" ?

Whatever. No one cares. Tiem for the credits to roll anyway.

Spoiler Alert: Did I mention you can only save every ten levels?

The second game, Parasite Eve 2


Frankensoldiers . . . little furry Gremlins . . . more loose threads than a Realdoll's snatch, the game's ending is - according to some people - almost as bad as that of Doom 3 . . . what could go wrong?

Not much more. However, all of that can be excused on account of the fact that this is the only game in the series in which you'll see Aya naked in the shower. No, really. it r tr00. She dries herself with the flayed skin of a retarded pyromaniac afterwards, effortlessly assuming the role of worst nightmare for every little arsonist in training. Kinda like a Smokey the Bear with C cups.

Therefore, it's the best by default and if you hate it you should fire a nail gun up your urethra immediately.

Fun fact: Liam Kincaid from "Earth: Final Conflict" has a recurring role in this game as the Los Angeles private dick.

Fun fact #2: Feeling slighted over their refusal to appear in her first game, Aya hunted down the three other kids from Captain Planet and killed them. She now has all their rings - well, except for the Heart kid because he failed so badly - and can mess with every other element on the periodic table. Beat that, Doctor Stephen Hawking.

And you thought the Bates Motel was bad?

PSP spin off nao in the works, Parasite Eve 3 : The Third Lapdance

This one reportedly shows Aya gleefully crushing the dreams of pimply-faced virginal cosplayers by getting married; it has something in it about a bunch of interdimensional harlequin babies called "The Twisted," and best yet - they've ripped off the part in FF7 where Sephiroth flips his shit and burns a whole town to the ground! Too bad the preview video, which is below, is in Japanese.

Note that the split screen effects look like complete ass:

Another webpage about it is here,


Parasite Summer's Eve:

The long awaited Parasite Eve game for the Wii, composed of nothing but Samus and Aya doucheraping each other. The first collaboration between Nintendo and Square since Final Fantasy 3. Rated NC-17 for incessant girl-on-girl action.

UPDATE: Due to creative conflicts between Nintendo and Square, and partly owing to the humongous e-peens of the Parasite Eve development team, this game will be released over 24 years and 7 months from now.


Like every other game with a woman in it, this too has its collection of 13 year old hormonally raging groupies:

Aya responed in almost a mocking cool voice of her own, "Mr Jordan, Im a cop and a good one at that, when I say 5 min you bet you butt that I'll be ready, with bells on.. by the way bring coffee, and asprin. Im out of both."


See Also


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