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Pikey Wedding. The bride is 16. They're all cousins.

A pikey, otherwise known as a Traveller, Knacker, Pavee, Tinker or "fucking smelly theiving stealing ugly smelly fucking catholic bastard" is a unevolved member of society, who smells like the carcass of a dead cunt-vomit. Pikeys hail from Ireland, but have travelled as far as East-Engerland. Pikeys, like other carnivores hunt in packs. Their natural habitat is a caravan, while the King of the Travellers is typically found in a larger version called a Mobile Home. Their American equivalent is Trailer Park trash. You can tell the difference between Pikeys & Trailer Park Trash by money (which pikeys have alot of) and teeth (which trailer park trash do not have many of). Often confused with Gypsies.

Traveller Traditions

A rare photograph of two pikeys mating in the wild.

These primitive forms of life, live in caravans (houses with wheels). However, despite having wheels on their homes - The cunts never actually move anywhere. They are known to sell "a bit of carpa" (carpet), fix shit that doesn't need fixing, scrounge around for scrap metal and beat up settled folk for their mobile phones.

Pikeys do not pay tax, but can be seen at the local dole office - sponging free money from tax payers. Pikeys do not adhere to common law, and settle things the old way. The old way usually involves pitchforks, axes and machetes.

Some Pikeys have magically (it involved leprechauns, absinthe and a time paradox) found their way to the United States over the past hundred years and now roam the country in filthy bands. Keeping up with modern times, they now half-ass install aluminum siding on the homes of America's brain-addled elderly.

The Pikey Way

Pikey children wearing age appropriate fur coats and dresses in front of a church.
  • The Pikey way involves violence.
  • Pikey families often inter-breed, which after many a generation has left them all looking very fucking similar.
  • Cousin marriage is very popular. The average wedding age is 16.
  • Pikeys have 11 sisters, and they have fucked every last one of them.
  • Pikeys will fight you for a fiver and carpet your house at the same time.
  • Some scientists now believe that there was once only a single 'Proto-Pikey' that reproduced by asexually budding.
  • Pikey cuisine is world renown for being almost entirely potato based and only cooked and served in discarded bean tins.
  • Stealing metal to sell for scrap. So as to cut off vital public services to isolated communities.
  • Setting up a camp on the side of roads.
  • Setting fire to bales of hay.
  • Stealing shit, like my dad's pick-up truck, fucking gypos.
  • Wife beatin'. [1]
  • Keeping Retards as slaves. [2]

The Pikey Language

The Pikeys have their own language, which is a fecked up hybrid of Irish and English. They also have their own words, which settled man is currently trying to decipher.

  • Byore = Young female
  • Feen = Young male
  • Feek = Fuck (Aka, sexual intercourse)
  • Serious = Awesome
  • Meet = To make out

Pikeys in popular culture

Pikeys can be seen accurately portrayed by Brad Pitt and all those other hollywood cunts in the movie Snatch.

The Intellectual Side of Pikeys

Self explanatory really. (also the concept of good quality escapes Pikeys, hence the recording is shit, Just like the quality of the pirated DVDs that they sell)


Direct Quotes from a pikey and translations.

Buy a bit of carpa?


—Care to buy a stolen rug?

Jer driveway need cobblin'?


—I'm here to scout your home so I can rob you tonight.

Go'wan ya cunt. I'll fight ya for a fiver!


—Excuse me while I have my ass handed to me by a superior male.

Me names Jimmy-James-Joeseph, but you can call me Jimmy


—It's a trick, refer to them as Lloyd

Wouldja buy me sister?


—Parents of Pikeys tend not to tell them the origin of children

I swear on Padre-Pio boss that I wasn't goin to rob ya


—I was caught red-handed.

Yuh callin' me a liar?


—See my lips moving? It means I'm lying.

I told ya sis', yella' to the front, brown to the back


—My underpants are quite tidy.

You Wanna' be a big man do ya?


—Got mud on yer face, big disgrace...

Boss, boss, I'd do ya a gud deal Boss


—A Pikey trying to sell you the shit that he stole from your neighbor

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