Perhaps you meant Atheist?
A pseudo-intellectual is that faggot you saw on Facebook the other night touting his IQ of 135. It's that forum mongrel that won't shut the fuck up about themselves and how intelligent they are, and that SJW on Twitter who won't quit pushing their misguided agenda – and it's also ironically used as an insult by other pseudo-intellectuals to denounce the opposition and attract attention.
The final boss of pseudo-intellectualism is a meth-ridden, middle-aged, manchild named Goronchev. Presently living in his parent's basement because he's so smart that employers are instantly intimidated by his masterful knowledge of everything and anything, he sits high as the electronic king of "intellectual checkmate," instantly winning any online argument simply because you are educated stupid and can't ever even dream of handling his ability to beat up 30 men at once or his massive pecker which extends all the way from A to Z across your keyboard! Comparable only to the magnificence of Chuck Norris himself, Goronchev is the game... and you just lost.
Pseudo-intellectuals Near You
The Internet is the world's safe haven for all of those USI-toting neckbearded beached whales who need to feel better than the people who bullied them in school. To find your nearest infestation of pseudo-intellectualism, simply go to your nearest niche forum, join a social media website, or start a blog! Like most things in life, there are a wide variety of types to be found, from your overly self-righteous vegan, to your gender-studies graduate with honors feminist, to your mommy blogger parenting expert. If you're looking for someone to educate you on everything, you're apparently doing wrong in life. The Internet has everything you never asked for!
You can likewise find overly self-important chuckle fucks irl down at your local Starbucks, community college campus or your nearest social dropout pandering loser convention. Animu, gaming, furry... whatever floats your boat. Mental masturbators can also often be found as the butt of jokes on cartoons, televisions shows and movies.
Bragging About Their IQ
This is generally the most common, lesser form, routinely seen amongst teenagers, Man children and feminists alike.
More often than not the idiot bragging about their IQ has never even taken an actual IQ test, but rather just fumbled through a "TEST YOUR IQ!" click-bait spam ad that rightly infected the moron's computer with malware by the time they finished getting their ego sucked off by a shitty piece of programming.
Most of these types don't even know what IQ even stands for let alone its numerous flaws and shortcomings when it comes to gauging overall intelligence. In most cases an IQ test just checks your knowledge of mathematical parlor tricks and random trivia.
"Nobody Understands Me"
It's so lonely up at the top of the intelligence tower! A lesser like you just wouldn't understand. Pseudo-intellectuals often have a nasty habit of using their supposed God level understanding of the universe as a means of putting themselves up on a pedestal and painting themselves up as a unique little snowflake.
Likewise, when thoroughly hammered in every other direction with irrefutable facts it makes a lovely cop out to side step the fact that they just got pwned in every other direction. Rather than offer any sort of coherent counter argument they can just slip right out of intellectual check by continually trying to fruitlessly move their last piece around on the board.
In order to be a true pseudo-intellectual you must memorize common fallacies names, such as "strawman" and "ad hominem".
Don't worry about actually memorizing what they mean or how they're even used at all. Just be sure to continually bleat them in response to getting verbally bitch slapped up long side your fat head. Randomly accusing your opponent of committing a fallacy is a fantastic way of "winning" arguments, especially in the off chance that the person you're arguing with doesn't understand what they mean either.
Using Big Words
One would not expect a philistine such as yourself to truly appreciate the finer points of using purple prose so potently poignant it paints a pristine picture of poetic perfection and preening precision upon people's opposing posts of piddling platitude, preached priggishly from their piss poor posteriors.
Unlike using big words in order to sound intelligent, Pseudo-Intellects often use this tactic, especially the ones in the feminist or SJW sector. Often will use words such as rape, Jewish leadership, x privilege, y privilege, Police Brutality, x shaming, y shaming, tucute, truscum, etc. The Apple fanboy sector also spouts buzzwords too, whether it's retina display, super fast processors, aluminum unibody, focus pixels, or a digital crown. They usually use this to attempt to sound like they're techies, but wound up coming out as nothing more than misguided hipsters repeating everything apple's ads said.
The Lurkers Support Me In The E-mails
If all else fails the pseudo-intellectual can retard back into the sheeple mentality for support. Using the "royal we" or just outright claiming that random people have been sending them messages about how awesome their arguments are and how they've totally owned their opponents. Most of the time these emails are as real as the Pseudo-Intellectual's proclaimed IQ score, which is also as real as your waifu or god.
Nothing says "smart" quite like being a pretentious jackass full of other people's ideas and creativity! The discerning pseudo-intellectual will be sure to use really obscure quotes that you probably haven't heard of in order to really show off just how well read and book learned they are to all those who are beneath them and their Brobdingnagian sagacity.
Bragging (in general)
This often takes the form of bragging about nonexistent education, degrees, jobs, political positions and accomplishments. In the most cringe worthy cases the aspiring pseudo-intellectual will tout the wondrous merits of having supposedly skipped grades in high school or how they single handedly could cure cancer... if they really wanted to. Often times outrageously stupid boasts will be made without any actual proof or under the tag of potential accomplishments... if they really cared enough.
Approximate Knowledge Of Many Things
Everyone can be a know-it-all with Wikipedia! One half-assed Google search and 38 seconds worth of skimming through long, boring texts on sites like Wikipedia and you too can achieve seemingly Akashic like knowledge and understanding of everything and anything.
Even better, don't actually even bother with direct plagiarization of the text material, simply provide a link to the page and present it as unexplained evidence of your argument's merit. When it comes to arguing online everyone knows it's the person who can post the most random links to completely obscure, unrelated and outright asinine websites that "wins" the argument!
For maximum effectiveness be sure to avoid any sites that have pesky URLs that end in things like .edu and .gov as those are just Illuminati controlled shill sites that will educate you stupid and blind you to the real truth! Jet fuel can't melt steel beams!
Tools of the Trade
List of Pseudo-Intellectual Asshats
- Apple Users
- Arthur Chu
- Brianna Wu
- Brian Mueller
- Fedora owners
- Feminist Frequency
- I Dislike Cis People
- Men's Rights Advocates
- Nice Guys
- Phil Fish
- Rebecca Watson
- Satyr Calicanstar
- Social Justice Warriors
- The Amazing Atheist
- Germany users
- Wikipedia admins
- Straw Man
- Ad hominem
- Fallacious reasoning
- Your argument is invalid
- Into the Trash It Goes
- Circular logic
- Take the meat bridge
- I have a 140 IQ
|Pseudo-intellectual is part of a series on Language & Communication|
|Featured article February 19 & 20, 2015|
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