Robin Williams was a tomato-faced comedian whose most prominent roles were of an animated genie who develops a crush on a homeless boy, an adult who becomes a cross-dressing nanny in order to be around children, a manchild named Jack attempting to fit in with children, and an adult playing a scary game with children.
His death last Thursday spawned much wailing and memorial page tourism from the internet community, all of whom had downloaded his movies for free in memoriam. Ultimately, Williams died the David Carradine way, with a belt and a bottle of Jergens.
He rose to prominence in the 1970s, when he played fast-talking alien Mork in My Favourite Martian. His catchphrase "Crapoo Crapoo" captured the imagination of a generation for whom color TV was considered cutting edge. After this success, the Jews of Hollywood decided that they wanted a slice of his profitable ass.
In the sentimental comedy Good Morning Vietnam, Williams played a fast-talking disc jockey who single-handedly wins the war with his hilarious patter, thus cheering up Amerilards who were depressed about having lost that particular conflict to a bunch of paddy-farmers in pajamas armed with pointed sticks dipped in dogshit.
He revisited his success in sentimental coming-of-age drama The Dead Comedians Society, in which he played a fast-talking English literature teacher with incredibly hairy arms. Indeed his arms were considered so disturbing that he deliberately auditioned for shitacular forgotten flop movie Popeye specifically so that he could erase the memory of his arms from the public imagination with the animated salt's bulging prosthetic forearms.
But he had range too, sometimes playing characters that talked at something approaching normal speeds. For these roles, Williams immersed himself in character by bravely giving up his 2-liter-per-day Coca-Cola habit and switching to horse tranquilizers instead.
He advanced his agenda in sentimental comedy Mrs. Doubtfire, which was not in any way a dumbed-down rip-off of forgotten Dustin Hoffman vehicle Tootsie, and in sentimental Broadway adaptation The Birdcage, which explored the idea of men dressing like woman, and was also responsible for a cancerous rise in the number of trannies and otherkin with his film Bicentennial Man, which taught so many that mutilating your body because you think you're the wrong species is perfectly okay.
Fortunately, Mrs. Doubtfire 2 died with Mr. Williams.
By 2010 his popularity plummeted so deep that a paying audience could no longer expect to be bothered with, so Sobbin' Robin showed how truly desperate and out of touch he was by posting a response video on JewTube in a misguided white knighting attempt to perform the role of 'father' by talking some sense into the son he
never should've had, Christian Weston Chandler. The message of the video was about the errs of mixing his spunk with Orange Fanta (or at least drinking it on camera). Needless to say, his advice was no more heeded than his career was revived.
—Shepard Smith, telling it like it is
On August 11 or some shit, Robin Williams realized that people were actually laughing at him and not with him. This jostled his feelies and the fast talking was finally stopped in a sentimental suicide which Williams cynically performed in order to achieve some kind of immortality since he hadn't made a decent movie
for ages ever.
—Chris Columbus, lying through his teeth
But it wasn't all tears. Britfag "comedian" Richard Herring got himself five minutes of free publicity when he tweeted that Williams' death was "divine judgement for (sentimental comedy-drama) Patch Adams", but sadly no-one in Britain cared, although many LOLed when Channel Four News ended their item on his death by showing a clip from Good Morning Vietnam in which Williams says: "Get a rope and hang me!". Stateside, ABC News brought a sentimental fast-talking glow to the heart of the US by showing live feed of the house containing Williams' grieving family filmed while repeatedly buzzing it with a helicopter
What autopsy? Williams was cremated and scattered within 24 hours of his death. All that's left of him is a couple of blood assays, currently going through toxicology, due back, oh, week, ten days. Perhaps a fortnight. You know how difficult it is to see if someone's taken drugs. Nothing to see here, move along.
Daughter quits Twitter
After her dad's timely demise, Zelda Williams (yes, she is named after a horrible game) was collecting all the sympathy she could garner on her Twitter, when someone thought that she needed comfort in seeing fake pictures of her dad.
This resulted in her quitting Twitter forever as she had already gained enough money to buy a new sailboat. DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS, she rejoined 3 weeks later, like most attention whores do when they no longer get their fix.
Although the question must be asked: This was literally the day her dad died. How much time was she spending on the internet while her father's corpse was still warm that she could actually be trolled off of it? I guess those FarmVille crops weren't gonna water themselves.
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