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o hai, /b/, how far DID I bounce?
Bah.

Shaun Dykes (moar like Shawn Jew, lol amirite!?) was a seventeen year old from Derbyshire, UK. On September 28, 2008, he climbed to a high place with the full intention of either cooking up some pavement pizza or perpetrating the kind of scenario involving distraught crowds shouting "DON'T JUMP!" along with wobbly-legged firemen running to and fro with a tiny trampoline and women with huge breasts fainting dramatically.


   
 
I believe I can fly.
 

 
 

—Shaun Dykes

Sad to say, the three hours that followed played out like some sort of black pantomime (the kind which actually looked satirical when Chris Morris was sending it up ten years ago) as "Baying onlookers" hurled witty epithets and cheeky British humor at him in an attempt to cheer him up.


   
 
A shocking reflection on society.
 

 
 

—Superintendant Andy Hough

It is unknown why Shaun felt the need to punch his ticket. However, the fact that his MySpace page is covered in pictures of him and his boyfriend looking ecstatically happy and hugging - along with the mood "Smitten" being the last ever set - could provide some clue.

For the next three hours, police negotiators attempted to talk Shaun down, while the crowd shouted "DO A FLIP BARREL ROLL!", "DO IT FAGGOT" and "HOW FAR CAN YOU BOUNCE?" Unfortunately for him, he did not bounce very well.


   
 
Eventually Mr Dykes leapt to his death, perhaps strengthened in his desire to escape this earth by the antics of an abusive and ghoulish mob.
 

 
 

—Stephen Glover, The Daily Fail

His parents Harry Dyke and Leslie Dyke were reportedly "Too upset to comment," but bonus lulz were scored by Conservative Party Chairman David Cameron who then "Departed from his script" to the party conference in Birmingham and joked "I won't go on - there are people on balconies up there!" Angela Samata, Survivors of Bereavement From Suicide, commented "For some people it's a well-used turn of phrase, but for someone who could be the next Prime Minister you would expect a certain level of sensitivity."


   
 
One day my boat will come in, and knowing my luck, I'll be at the airport.
 

 
 

—Shaun Dykes


   
 
He was The Joker and smiled all the time. He was so funny and everyone knew him because he was so popular.
 

 
 

Lindsey, Shaun's best friend

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