Tom Newton, Also known as Jacob K. Reist (Real name Jacob Arturo Vigil) is the pseudonym of a blogger that creates the most impressive concentrations of fail and incompetence ever to grace our miserable lives. Tasked by his reptilian masters to make Dramacrats, Protestfags and anywhere they gather look as bad as possible, Reverend Jacob K. Reist is faced with this insurmountable challenge:
SAY THAT ANONYMOUS AND ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA ARE MEAN, AND GIVE EXAMPLES.
Even when confronted with the trolling equivalent of a barn door at broadside, however, Tom is unable to put a paragraph together without blustering, fabricating or contradicting himself mid-thought - and the shit he comes out with is still not even in the same neighborhood as some of Anon's great doings. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
In short, he combines the worst BAWWWWW of the Chanology with the shittiest internet tough guy act in the special class.
- 1 Acquitted for raping a 13 year old? Hammertime.
- 2 Jacob K Reist, Child-Rapist At Large
- 3 THE CHILD MOLESTER RETREATS
- 4 Early days
- 5 Trolls Trolling Trolls
- 6 Gallery
- 7 PACK UP YOUR SHIT - ED "REPORTED!"
- 8 Recent times
- 9 See Also
- 10 External Links
Acquitted for raping a 13 year old? Hammertime.
Let's first take a step back and review Tom's mission statement. All he has to do is point out that Anon makes racist jokes and trolls people. Not only does he miss the open goal, though, he actually breaks his neck by kicking himself in the back of the head. Let's have a look Anon's day-to-day life, compared to what Tommy considers to be "Black PR." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
|REAL ANON||TOM'S IMAGINARY ANON LITE|
|Anon ruined a young girl's life by sending her noodz to everyone in her school, including her principal||Anonymous doesn't care about free speech!|
|Evidence of Pedobear at work: 12chan||Evidence of Pedobear at work: One picture of ENG's girlfriend, fully clothed on ED.|
|Anon turned Alex Wuori into a gibbering mess of dogs and curtains||"Anonymous are not as serious, nor as informed, as they pretend to be."|
|Victims of Anon: Megan Had It Coming, Sweet Eva, GoddessMine||Victims of Anon: KawaiiNekoGirl, LaraLove, Sue_Scheff (actually the ONLY examples he gives of "Libeling" on his websites)|
|Anon drove Chris-chan to suicide. *||Anonymous are PROFESSIONAL ANTI-SCIENTOLOGISTS.|
Clearly, Anonymous is a hardcore hate criminal in Tom's fairytale mind. Stay tuned for his next EX POE SAY of the internet hate syndicate where he outs Anons for returning library books late, dressing dorky, and living in their Mom's basement.
Joking aside, however, the question of just why Newton finds it so difficult to make Anon look bad is something that has baffled the critics for the best part of 2008. One reason might be that as a Placentafag, he is forbidden from actually reading the internet. This idea is borne out by his brave and selfless sally into enemy territory, to which he gave the grandiose title "MY EXPERIENCE AT AN ANONYMOUS MEETING SITE." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
Tom manages to thread together a record five sentences ranting about Anon's "Seriously wrong" commitment to guro and teh prons, then as an example of the EXTREME CONTENT available provides the masterpiece seen here. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
Tom's Heroin Habit
Recent trolling failures have included:
Deliberately failing to understand jokes and satire aimed at twelve-year-olds.
Maintaining cognitive dissonance in insisting that Jewish and black anons are vile racists, yet maintaining typical scilon homophobia when attacking gay critics of Scientology.
Poor impersonations of whack-job OGs like Fredric Rice, wherein Tom feigns dismay that nobody was interested in his counterfeit copy of Rice's blog, which was was just as moonbat crazy and boring as the original...except for the child porn. Yeah, he's THAT stupid.
Accusing a defunct, non-English speaking Swedish cultural group of secretly organizing Chanology via time machine and hypnotic mind control.
Accusing a female commentator of being Tory Magoo's would-be rapist in the Thunderdome a year prior, based on his amazing powers of Google-fu.
Accusing Anons of being both anti-furry bigots and furries, at the *same time.*
Doxing Anons and innocent bystanders while bawwing about his own dox getting dropped.
Haha, B& from Twitter!
Forgetting to delete his own atheist rants before accusing anons of religious bigotry.
Admitted to be the animal killer who poisoned Mudkips (the cat of Sean Carasov).
Admitted to be the poisoner of "T-Rex," the dog of Boris Korczak
Had an opiate addiction which consumed the years 2004-2007.
Raped several children annally and orally. (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
Letting his "Jacobkreist.com" domain lapse, now owned by anons. Oops.
Jacob K Reist, Child-Rapist At Large
Tom Newton, just another web persona appropriated by "Tom Newton," aka "Reverend_Jacob_K._Reist,". Tom, a failed artist with a Scilon mommmy, tried and failed hard at some IRL trolling. What likely began as a continuation of this trolling became a full-blown obsession, with posts getting crazier and crazier.
Due to Anon's infamously short attention span, he got away with numerous major mistakes. First, leaving his ecrater, cafepress, Amazon affiliate, and Paypal accounts under the "Jacob K Reist" name. A quick tour of Jacobkreist.com's internet archive entry shows those same accounts. Tom's since abandoned the website and his long-running Yahoo group to pursue his non-paying troll career.
Additionally, Tom's IP address almost invariably emanates from the radius surrounding the child molesters Abuquerque home.
Although doing his best to cover his tracks by removing those accounts and his sorry Failbook page, the cat is irretrievably out of the bag, due to numerous archives Tom just can't remove. Sorry attempts at cover-up include pointing the finger at sad sacks like Barbera, insisting "Tom Newton" is an invincible army of OSA hackers, and dropping the ips of Russian spammers on 888-chan.
Although he has been acquitted for rape, he's still a registered sex offender in New Mexico. He works at a cafe in Albuquerque called the "Flying Star" on Menaul Blvd. Someone should notify his boss......
THE CHILD MOLESTER RETREATS
During the month of July, 2008, the OT 3 course materials were posted in the "comments" area of the blog. Tom's overlords decided to call him in to discuss some potential future projects, and for three weeks, no further posts were added.
After three painful weeks devoid of lulz a new "Tom Newton" was found/hired/grown in a Sontaran clone vat, and was posting moar hysterical drivel about Anons "Harassing" people. Dear me! Harassment! Let's hope he doesn't call us "Scallywags" or "Ruffians" next guise! (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
Unlike his predecessor, the new "Tom Newton" possesses a markedly better grasp of the English language. His spelling and punctuation skills have similarly improved. The new "Tom Newton" also writes with a far more confrontational and aggressive style, but rather than adding any gravitas to his writings, it just makes him look like a crack-addled drama whore.
Before Chanology began, Jacob K. Reist was one of millions of failed artists on the internets, trying to sell coffee cups and calendars with his weak, boring designs on them via Cafe Press. He also was a hot-shot on various "Goth" message boards on Yahoo, using the handle of "Reverend Jacob K. Reist" (get it? K-Reist like Christ. LOL!). He tried in various ways to learn the trolling arts, and even created an "American Heretic Association."
Trolls Trolling Trolls
Possibly seeing the total lack of success of Paul Fetch, Reist decided to take up the cause of defending the Church of Scientology from the legions of Anonymous. Another explanation of Reist's inspiration from Paul Fetch that Reist is simply in denial.
Jacob K. Reist began his attack on Anonymous by claiming ownership of one of the icons representing Anonymous and offering it for sale on the Internet  with the asking price of $10,000,000! (lolbaleeted) Since he can, apparently, rub two brain cells together and spark a thought, he decided to open a Cafepress account  and sell shirts, hats and other dumb shit with the logo on it, possibly in the hopes of raising the money one dollar at a time.
Opening several YouTube accounts, many of which ended-up getting closed, Reist began uploading several videos which were rambling and repetitive, much like Reist's mentor, Paul Fetch. Whether this was a joint effort or he just did it on his own, Reist is convinced that he is destroying Anonymous' efforts to bring-down the Church of Scientology and he may be anticipating some sort of substantial reward for his efforts.
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Reist claims that Wise Beard Man is the leader of Anonymous. Further, he has accused him of being not only against the Church of Scientology, but against all religions.
In a pathetic attempt to display some sort of talent and originality, Reist posted a video claiming that even Barack Obama opposes Anonymous.
Could it be him? Depends, does this look like a lonely beaner to you?
PACK UP YOUR SHIT - ED "REPORTED!"
As can be seen from the breaking news story pictured here, Encyclopedia Dramatica has been "Reported" for the "Welcome To 7chan" image. Wait, can he be talking about this image? He can't mean this image, because we just heard that this image has been reported! Hang on a minute, let me call my mom. There, this image has been reported again! Wait, wait, here comes my cat. BANG! REPORTED!
This is, of course, the work of Newton's two splinter blogs. One is dedicated to canonizing the notion of "EVIDENCE OF PEDOPHILIA FOUND WITHIN ANONYMOUS" (yeah, he must have been Sherlock fucking Holmes to figure that one out). Once again, however, charged with the insurmountable quest of finding an Anon posting CP, he devotes an entire website to two pictures of fully-clothed children in non-sexual situations found on ED.
The other blog, humorously entitled "The Internet Vs Encyclopedia Dramatica", encourage any who has been libeled by ED to write in. As for the matter of whether he will actually provide the funds for them to launch a case against it, no information is available. Suffice it to say that the smart money is not riding on "The Internet." (Oh yea, and Tom's a pedophile.)
"Tom" recently decided to display his mental instability in a new blog boldly entitled "ANONYMOUS" IS AN ORGANIZED CYBER BULLY ORGANIZATION. Strangely enough, the convicted sex-offender's blog focuses almost completely upon Encyclopedia Dramatica and its more prolific members rather than Anonymous itself. How somebody filled with such concentrated hatred manages to confuse Encyclopedia Dramatica with a completely separate entity is confounding, but the likely explanation is that Tom's long-term drug use has fried his brain. Further evidence of the screws missing from Tom's brain are the rambling, incoherent shitposts that he vomits onto the blog. The man frequently abuses ALL CAPS and bold text, sometimes mixing the two eyesores. The posts themselves are barely understandable to somebody without at least two mental disorders, but one can make out the fact that Tom's whinings usually involve old, uncontroversial information, desperate attempts to link two non-related subjects together, and utter hypocrisy. Much as all homophobes are closet homosexuals, Tom blatantly outs himself as a pedophile, drug addict, and bigot in every single rant he publishes by littering his posts with these creative insults. The content that he doesn't plagiarize provides an interesting glimpse into the twisted mind of a child-touching madman.
For more of Jake's bitching and vandalism, see this article's history page:
—JACOB K. REIST
Memorable Quotes From Tom
—Anybody want to call in the v&?
—Jacob K. Reist, kissing Church of Scientology's ass
—Jacob K. Reist, posting 2 years ago on The Big Pharaoh
—Jacob on being a pedophile
—Jacob K. Reist, now without bacon.
The new siteBALEETED The old siteBALEETED "Let's Sue ED" site (PROTIP: ED has never, ever been sued for anything)THIS TOO "ED Is Teh CP" siteAND THAT NEW FOR 2009: Anonymous Hate Group YouTube channel! (Deletes all comments which mention the name "Tom Newton")AND THIS New YouTube Channel(Pretending to be a certain anonymous user, typical Tom foggotry)AND FINALLY THIS TOO
- Dox Thread
- Another blog he uses
- And another.
- Tom tries tricking Anons into donating for a fallen /b/rother. Don't fall for it, it's really him.
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Taking Down ED
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|Featured article January 23, 2009|
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