View source for Wilkins Coffee

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[[File:Evil_kermit_bw.jpg|240px|thumb|right|The official mascot.]]
'''Wilkins Coffee''' was the most popular brand of coffee from [[Dinosaurs|the beginning of time]] up until about the [[1980s]], and for a damn good reason. If you were caught [[Asking for it|drinking any other brand of coffee]], [[Muppets|Jim Henson's]] proto-Kermit would [[SRS BSNS|shoot you in the fucking face]]. 

He literally [[Pun|killed the competition]] by offing any non-drinker of Wilkins [[At least 100|in a myriad of]] sinister ways, and even [[Badass|televised them]] in the form of [[Old|black and white]] coffee commercials as a way to [[advertise]] his unveiled threats. Each commercial came equipped with a corny yet [[Legit|deadly]] pun.

Wilkins eventually went [[Broke|out of business]] due to the countless lawsuits it received from the families of the [[victims]] who lost their lives to the blood-thirsty, coffee-crazed Kermit. Kermit was ultimately [[Win|acquitted]] of all murder charges and went on to become the star of both [[Sesame Street]] and [[Muppets|The Muppet Show]], and the family members of the [[Pwned|deceased]] had to live with [[File:Kermit buzzsaw.jpg|thumb|right|240px|"Without Wilkins Coffee, you may wind up with a splitting headache." -[[Psycho|Kermit The Frog]]]] seeing the murderer taunt them on national television for the rest of their [[Sad|mortal]] lives. 

== Substance of Sustenance ==
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The [[Solar System|discovery of the planets]]. [[Math|Algebra]]. [[Hookers and blow]]. [[Hitler|The Third Reich]]. 

These are the pinnacles of achievement by man on this earth, but they are like children [[Incontinence|shitting their pants]] in the developmental [[sandbox]], when compared to the greatest of achievements by humans to date.

Of course we are referring to the most addictive substance known to man, the [[Harry Potter|Philosophers Stone]] and Elixir of Life spoken of by [[Magick|alchemists]], the all-sustaining Manna of [[Moses]] given to him by [[God]]... all synonyms for [[Crack|Wilkins Coffee]].

===The Dark Recipe===
[[File:Worship Wilkins.jpg|260px|thumb|right|Our lord and savior.]]
The beloved coffee company was forced to liquidate its assets due to anti-trust lawsuits, a handful of first degree murder convictions, and the fact that Kermit basically [[Holocaust|slaughtered]] all of Wilkins' competition. Accordingly, it is now impossible to purchase this elixir from your local supermarket.  But fear not! Listed below are the ingredients and instructions you need to create a makeshift Wilkins for your every waking moment.

*Obtain the finest [http://www.amazon.com/Kopi-Luwak-Class-Coffee-Medium/dp/B001A4B8EM Kopi Luwak coffee beans] hand-delivered from Indonesia.
*Mix the beans with the bones of the [[Zombie|exhumed body]] of Jim Henson, ground carefully with a [http://www.baratza.com/flat-burr-grinders/vario-grinder/ Baratza Vario grinder.]
*Once the grains and bones have become [[Cocaine|a fine powder]], stir in the blood of a random [[hipster|Starbucks patron]].
*Remember to strain the blood multiple times to remove any [[AIDS|trace of Starbucks]].
*For [[epic|optimal]] Wilkins, brew with [http://www.bornrich.com/worlds-most-expensive-water-costs-1675-per-ounce.html Kona Nigari Water.]
*And finally, LSD. [[Logic|How else would Jim Henson come up with shit like this?]]

'''Woe unto thee who resurrect this devil's recipe and the blood-lust it inevitably shall bring.'''

=="I Don't Drink Wilkins"==
[[File:I dont like coffee.gif|frame|center]]

'''The following events are guaranteed to happen to anyone who dares not to drink Wilkins brand coffee:'''

*[[Pirate|Shot with a cannon]] 
*[[Cowboy|Shot with a revolver]] 
[[File:Wilkins steamroller.gif|frame|right]]
*[[Cop|Beaten with a club]] 
*[[Chav|Beaten with a broken bottle]] 
*Beaten with a can of Wilkins 
*[[Irony|Boiled in a cup of Wilkins]] 
*Fall out of a tree 
*Fall out of a building 
*Have a tree fall on you 
*[[WTC|Have a building fall on you]] 
*Burned with a Wilkins branding iron 
*[[Injuns|Ran over by a wagon]] 
*Teleported to another dimension 
*Blown the fuck up 
*[[Dying alone|Your wife leaves you]] 
*Put under the guillotine 
*[[Buttsecks|Get thrown in prison]] 
[[File:Vote for Wilkins gif.gif|frame|right]]
*Get thrown off a ship  
*Get thrown off of a hot air balloon 
*Get thrown off an airplane 
*"Faulty" parachute 
*Beaten with a hammer 
*Stabbed with an [[E-peen|épée]] 
*[[Chris-chan|House burns down]] 
*Have an [[Terrorism|airstrike]] called on you 
*Get the electric chair 
*Get cut in half with a circular saw 
*[[Curb Stomp|Stomped to death]] 
*Fed to [[sharks]]
*[[Ninja|Throwing knives]] 
*Horse stampede 
*Drown to death 
[[File:Wilkins lost my head.gif|frame|right]]
*Stabbed to death 
*[[Arrow to the knee|Arrow to the face]] 
*Gravity fails and float off the planet
*[[Emo|Razor to the neck]] 
*Fall down a manhole 
*Ran over by steamroller 
*Have a mountain climbing accident 
*[[Mafia|Car accident]] 
*Rocket accident 
*Raped by a Silverback [[Nigger|Ape]] 

'''Fatalities caused by Kermit''' - At least 76 are known, [[Some argue|although]] there are probably more due to Kermit's untamed lust for murder.

== Commercials ==

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|<youtube>ZxLyuw5bdyk</youtube>
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|<youtube>s5N6vVK2i3g</youtube>
|<youtube>rSicW13K3zE</youtube>
}}

== Gallery ==

{{cg|Gallery|Wilkins|center|<gallery>
File:Nice cup of wilkins.jpg|[[How About A Nice Big Cup Of Shut The Fuck Up|Have a nice steaming cup.]]
File:Robocop says drink wilkins.jpg|I'd buy that for a dollar.
File:Wilkins Brand X.JPG|An alternative is Brand X.
File:Wilkins Official.jpg
</gallery>|<gallery>
File:Wilkins Electric Chair.jpg
File:Fry Coffee.gif
File:Wilkins on Tumblr.png
File:Wilkins at ripley museum.jpg|Wilkins Coffee at the Ripley's Museum.
File:Wilkins Ringu.jpg
File:Wilkins Reich.jpg
File:Wilkins Jesus.jpg
File:Fixarticssig.jpg
File:Wilkins Wikihow.png
File:Wilkins Motivation.jpg
File:Wilkins vs Tom Preston.png
File:Wilkins Tupac.jpg
File:Wilkins Spam 2.jpg
File:Wilkins Spam.png
File:Wilkins Spam 4.jpg
File:Wilkins Condoms.jpg
File:Wilkins Battlestation.png
File:Wilkins Anonymous.jpg
File:Wilkins Relax.jpg
File:Wilkins Praise.jpg
File:Wilkins Low Quality Art.png
File:Wilkins Jews.jpg
File:Wilkins Huff.jpg
File:Wilkins Gore 3.jpg
File:Wilkins Gore 2.jpg
File:Wilkins Gore.jpg
File:Wilkins Baptize.jpg
File:Wilkins Anti Rap Squad.jpg
File:Wheres Wilkins.png
File:Wilkins Bonk.png
File:PiggyHatesWilkins.jpg|Miss Piggy hated Wilkins Coffee, now she's bacon.
</gallery>}}

== Theme Song ==

<center>*{{EDFthread|16832|"Wilkins Instant Coffee"}} by [[Dethklok]]'''</center>
{{frame|<youtube>P6NVKEVaq5A</youtube>
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<br />
<center><i>
Do you folks like coffee?<br />
Real coffee<br />
From the frog<br />
From the Muppets?<br />
<br />
Wilkins instant will wake you<br />
From a thousand deaths<br />
A cup blackened blood (dying, dying)<br />
You'll die without a cup<br />
<br />
Kermit recommends<br />
He'll stab your fucking ass<br />
Put you in a cannon (dying, dying)<br />
You'll die without a cup<br />
<br />
Prepare for ultimate flavor<br />
Or you'll get fucked up<br />
And scream, for the cream<br />
<br />
GO<br />
<br />
Wilkins instant<br />
Wilkins instant<br />
Wilkins instant<br />
<br />
Coffee<br />
</i></center>

==Fanfics==
'''The Legend of Wilkins and Wontkins"''' ''by Winslow Leach''
{{:Wilkins Coffee/Fanfic01}}

== See Also ==
*[[Muppets]]
*[[Elmo]]
*[[Java]]
*[[Old]]
*[[Murder]]
*[[Television]]
*[[EDF2#In_Jokes|EDF2:In Jokes]]

== External Links ==

*[http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Wilkins_Coffee Wilkins Coffee on the Muppet Wiki]
*[http://www.toughpigs.com/anthmadison01.htm A few transcripts]
*[http://www.methcoffee.com/video/ Meth Coffee - an acceptable alternative]

[[File:Wilkins - Strange Things.PNG|710px|center]]

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